In chapter 11 of Pete Walker’s book, Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, he briefly describes the symptoms of blocked emotions. It’s under the subsection, Crying and Angering in Concert. Blink, you will miss it. But in those few words, he perfectly describes my ongoing problems with having blocked grief. And after numerous discussions in my group, I gleaned insights into the ongoing problems with blocked anger. It’s for these reasons that Blocked Emotions were added to Trauma Glossary 2. (I will link that glossary at the end.)
The past two articles have in some way covered the emotions we have trouble feeling. Depersonalization is the emotional flatline and then the next rung up is Alexithymia, numbed emotions. Well, the next rung up from there is blocked emotions. This is when our emotions fail to flow because we are stuck in a stagnant mood. And that stagnant mood is the result of the blocked emotion. It’s going to be either anger or grief, one working overtime to make up for the other’s absence. This impacts our outlook and limits the way we respond to life’s ups and downs. Over time, we end up with default settings that keep us stuck in a hamster wheel.
You may ask, “But wait, doesn’t Complex-PTSD mean having too much fear, guilt, and shame?” That’s correct, we do have a predominance of the three. But more often than not, we use anger or grief for dealing with those emotions. And when healing from our trauma, anger and grief are the two most important emotions to safely experience and work through.
Anger and Grief as Our Inner Parental Unit
Anger and grief complement each other. After all, anger is one of the steps in the five stages of grief. And grief, our inner nurturer gives us comfort as we grieve – to help us endure mourning the injustice of what has happened. Then anger, our inner champion and protector reminds us that this won’t go on forever. There is something we can do. But first, we need grief’s tears to cleanse us so that we’re more clear-headed when taking on anger’s demands for “action!” But what does healing look like when one of those emotions is blocked? Well, we have a single-parent household.
So, with blocked emotions, we can still work through our trauma; it just takes a while longer because our “single parent” is doing all the work. We may be “experts” on grieving the problem into full acceptance, but we see the problem as infinite and there is nothing we can do about it. Or we may know how to assert and stand up for ourselves, but we stay stuck in the same problem because we never take the time to accept that there is a problem. Depending on which of the emotions is blocked , one “parent” is doing all the work with limited resources. But without the other parent to pick up the slack, we stay stuck in the same problems.
The Origins of Our Blocked Emotions: We Did the Best We Could…
What’s the number one cliché toxic parents say when confronted with their abusive behaviors? Besides “That never happened,” what’s the other cliché? “We did the best we could!” Well, it’s true, except for the part where they forgot to complete the sentence. It should read, “We did the best we could for ourselves!” Ah, now it’s the full truth, because they certainly did the best they could to hide what they were doing to us. Digression aside, what’s the point? We learn how to parent ourselves as children based on our limited options. But where self-parenting is concerned, we really are “doing the best we can for ourselves.” Even when we’re using information from our toxic childhood.
Unsurprisingly, when raised by a Cluster B disorder (Trauma Glossary 1) we grow up feeling powerless, helpless, and without any hope of rescue. We learn that expressing our feelings can be dangerous, and so we choose how to respond and how to cope. There is no “one size fits all”.
We may buckle under the sheer weight of feeling helpless because it makes sense. After all, what can anger do for us if we’re too vulnerable to take a stand? And so, we double down on self-compassion. We do the best we can at nurturing ourselves and self-soothing the pain.
We may become fed up with feeling helpless and so we look for ways to empower ourselves. Grief intensifies those feelings of helplessness, the very thing we’re trying to reject. We associate crying with weakness. And so, we double down on “being strong”. We do the best we can at championing for ourselves and roaring at the pain.
Now using anger and grief as our inner-parent analogy, let’s name grief Comfort and anger Protector while we explore our blocked emotions in action.
Blocked Anger
The Protector that we need to take action is stuck in our core and it can’t get out. Because of this, Comfort is the overworked parent. As the nurturing parent, it wants to make sure that we always feel safe. Comfort fully accepts the problems that come up. But the problem is, Comfort sees them a little too clearly and that’s why risks loom larger than life from Comfort’s perspective. Comfort talks us out of taking those risks by showing us everything we can’t do. And so, we sob in self-defeat, thankful we at least have a modicum of safety inside our Comfort zone.
The stagnant mood is helplessness. We tend to see the world through a “sad” lens. This makes us more vulnerable to minor setbacks and disappointments as each one discourages us from feeling there is anything we can do about it. Because sadness drains the energy, we are more prone to chronic fatigue and we tend to cry easily.
We’re often aware of the Protector’s imprisonment. It’s the unmistakable sensation of it gnawing in the gut. And we might even verbalize it: “I just want to punch something!” But the emotional and physical fatigue of perpetual sadness – that clings to us like a second skin – represses the energy we need to release that anger.
Blocked Grief
Comfort that we need to endure is stuck in our core and it can’t get out. Because of this, the Protector is the overworked parent. As the protective parent, it wants to make sure that we never feel helpless. Anger is the highest emotional energy of all, and so it has taught us the importance of “action!” and “Put on a brave face, or the world will eat you alive.” So, we know how to take care of business and appear “strong”. We can even kid ourselves that we are strong. After all, look at what we can do with our actions.
The stagnant mood is an irritable one. We are easily irritated because without Comfort in our life, we are limited in how we respond to everyday stressors. And that’s with increasingly more irritation. What’s the golden rule with anger? It’s energy, and so it builds like a volcano. Cooler heads prevail. But without Comfort to help us relieve that energy, we tend to lose our temper more often.
We’re often aware of Comfort’s imprisonment. We feel it in our core during quiet melancholic moments. It’s that sense that somewhere deep down we are crying our eyes out. And yet we can’t seem to let it out. It’s usually due to us being too curious about the emotion that invalidates it into (seemingly) going away. Though it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s repressed. But the thing about grief is, it’s the slow building volcano compared to anger’s swiftly building one. Without grief to help us process and accept that we have a problem, we will continue to ignore it until that slow building volcano erupts. And depression lasts far longer than a lost temper.
The Beliefs and Thoughts Behind Our Blocked Emotions
Both blocked anger and blocked grief have the same core beliefs. They simply respond to those beliefs in opposite ways. And even more incredibly, both keep us stuck in the same outcome.
Common Beliefs:
- Both believe that the world is a cruel and dangerous place. This is also known as Negative Noticing. Blocked anger gives up, hides, and appears more submissive. Blocked grief is determined to do something and mask their vulnerability by appearing “strong”.
- Both are trapped in Learned Helplessness. Blocked anger feels helpless and is therefore more aware. Blocked grief, on the other hand, has disowned it. Denial is one of the five stages of grief. And that’s where blocked grief is stuck. They minimize the problem by denying it exists.
- Both doubt their strengths. Blocked grief hides their vulnerability. So they are more aware that they aren’t as “strong” as they appear. Not to say that they are weak, just that they fear being vulnerable. Without self-compassion, how can we develop self-esteem? Blocked anger, on the other hand, perceive themselves as weak, when in reality, they are stronger than they believe. They just need to practice the trial and error of proving their worth. Without daring to try, how can we develop self-confidence?
So often, we get amazing clarity as soon as we identify the thoughts behind our feelings. Then once we see it, we can start challenging the thoughts that are responsible for our blocked emotions. So, let’s take a closer look at what might be going on in real time when we’re feeling the urge to cry or anger but we can’t let it out. You may have even heard these when you were growing up and now you’re accidentally carrying around as a false belief.
Blocked Anger Thoughts: The Art of Magnifying Our Problems
“There is nothing I can do about it.” Ever heard the expression, “Can’t see the forest for the trees”? It means we’re too involved in details to see the full picture. Remember this. All problems literally mean there is some resistance to getting what we want. So, when we have a problem and believe there’s nothing we can do, we’re too focused on what we can’t do. Widen your focus and look for the one thing you can do, and then do it. Most problems tend to have at least one doable option. So, maybe next time we catch ourselves in this thinking, chase it with “I’m not seeing the solution for the problems,” and then see if it helps widen our focus.
“There will be huge consequences.” This is a fear-based belief, and I get it. Any form of asserting came with huge consequences when we were too helpless and vulnerable to protect ourselves. This tends to lead to ongoing problems known as Catastrophizing. It’s when we over-imagine the worst-case scenario and fully believe in it if we dare do something, whatever that something is. We need to remind ourselves that we are in grown-up bodies but using the child’s imagination and child experiences to predict outcomes that will never be as bad as we think.
Blocked Grief Thoughts: The Art of Minimizing Our Problems
“Crying about it won’t solve anything.” It’s true that we are not going to solve a problem while we are crying about it. That isn’t what crying is for. Grieving helps us process the problem and fully accept its existence. And then we can use our anger more wisely.
“Cry over what? And why?” Anger announces those answers before we even ask. Grief, on the other hand, works slower. That’s why we sometimes feel the urge to cry without understanding why. But grief will numb itself if we ask too many questions. The greatest challenge for blocked grief is practice patience, which is the opposite of anger. Sit with the emotion and just let it flow. The information will slowly reveal itself.
Reparenting Ourselves
Here is a link to Trauma Glossary 2. You’ll find definitions to the terms mentioned in this article that you may have never heard of before. They are, in alphabetical order: Alexithymia, Blocked Emotions, Catastrophizing, Depersonalization, Learned Helplessness, and Negative Noticing. Among many others not covered here. So, have a look around and see what other ongoing problems you may have in your life. Because you will also see that many terms have links to Master Toolbox 1, which, like its namesake, has tools listed for working through our problems.
A year ago, I wrote a series of articles on our uncomfortable emotions which included anger and grief. Rather than bombard you with links, I will offer you my wrap-up article: What Do My Emotions Want? Answers in 14 Visual Aids. That one does have links embedded to the articles in question, anyway. Just in case you need more information behind the “flashcards” I created for understanding the language behind our emotions. And then how to work with them instead of against them.
We really did do the best we could for ourselves while growing up in a toxic environment. And we continue doing the best we can, even when we are using the same coping mechanisms from our childhood that no longer apply in the adult world. It’s up to us to challenge the false perceptions we learned and see ourselves in a more compassionate light. That’s why every one of my articles thoroughly define the problem and then end with a list of things we can do about it. Because healing begins with understanding our problems and then asking two important questions. What problem would I like to work on? And then, “What can I do about it?” There’s always at least one thing we can do.