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This defines who the abusers are and what they do. There are words for what happened to you and how you developed CPTSD or D.I.D. as a result. Also included are the techniques they are using today to silence your voice.
Ableist: the original definition (added to the dictionary December 2019…let that sink in) is one who engages in the discrimination or prejudice against people with disabilities in favor of able-bodied people; hence, the term is rooted in “the disabled vs. abled” type of thinkers. The Cluster B’s wasted no time throwing this word around at anyone who dared to say anything as basic as being abused by a personality disorder. This is mostly due to the years (yes, years, at least since 2014) they have been allowed to attack, unchecked, while claiming their behaviorally based disorder is a “mental illness”. This is not the first politically correct term they have weaponized as a quick power grab, nor will it be the last.
Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD): Law breaking, deceitful, physically aggressive and has complete disrespect and disregard for others and their property. Not all ASPD are sociopaths, but every sociopath has ASPD in their makeup.
See also: Cluster B Personality Disorders
Baiting: classic bullying tactic where perpetrator has already decided they want to attack their targeted person. For whatever reason (some deformed version of a conscience?) they are looking for any excuse to justify the urge. So, they goad their target into the desired reaction (often as minor as a facial expression or tone of voice) to feel good about attacking their targeted person. In a dysfunctional home, the attack is typically followed by the enabler parent and/or mini-me sibling victim shaming targeted person for supposedly being the one who instigated the attack. Also, not uncommon for Enabler Parent and/or Mini-Me Sibling (see article on Family Dysfunction) to attack targeted person on perpetrator’s orders.
See also: Gaslighting; Soul Murder; Triangulation
Borderland: Thanks to Christine Ann Lawson (author of Understanding the Borderline Mother) for this term. It associates growing up in the home of a parent with BPD as living inside Alice in Wonderland. Logic is scarce while confusion reigns supreme. Constant, volatile changes in the child’s daily life, forcing them to cope by anticipating the needs and ever-changing mood swings to survive living with the borderline parent.
See also Borderline Personality Disorder; Gaslighting
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): this is considered the “counterpart” to ASPD, due to their shared traits of poor emotional impulse control. Here the aggressive behavior is triggered by neglect, abandonment, and, most recently, perceiving themselves as “stigmatized”. Further confounding this is their rapidly changing mood swings; (unlike bipolar disorder, which is fully capable of maintaining a mood for days, weeks, even months at a time) in a single day.
See also: Cluster B Personality Disorders
Brainwashing: the conditioning of one’s beliefs through equal parts toxic shame and perpetual attacks on one’s identity to the point of soul murder and confusion. In CPTSD engineering homes, this is coupled with cognitive dissonance and triangulation. The outcome of childhood brainwashing includes numerous symptoms of CPTSD, as you will see in Trauma Glossary 2.
See also: Cognitive Dissonance -DIY Cognitive Dissonance; Gaslighting; Operant Conditioning Abuse; Soul Murder; Trauma Bond; Triangulation
Circle Argument: See also JADE
Cluster B personality disorders: Irrational, erratic behaviorally based personality disorders with poor impulse control and no thought to consequences. “It isn’t me, it’s everyone else” is their mantra. Pathologically self-centered people who believe they are good or exceptional. This is because they blame others for their abusive behaviors. Their complete rejection of personal accountability makes them naturals at conspiracy theories. E.g., “Everyone has brainwashed my (insert target/supply person) against me!” These unusually high functioning “mental illnesses” make them fully capable of hiding the abusive behaviors that “they can’t help” from the outside world. (They have validated this tendency of theirs by referring to it as “unmasking”, which they feel fully entitled to do so “inside their own home”.) While those who live with them behind closed doors pay the ultimate price. They prey on those closest to them by first, hooking them in and then draining them for their own emotional needs that are impossible to fulfill (nothing you do will ever be enough because they are empty). It’s important to understand that, most often, each Cluster B disorder tends to be comorbid with at least one of the other 9 personality disorders.
See also: Anti-Social Personality Disorder; Borderline Personality Disorder; Histrionic Personality Disorder; Narcissistic Personality Disorder; Unmask
Cognitive Dissonance: the mental conflict that occurs when one holds two or more contradictory beliefs that affect one’s behavioral decisions or attitude
- DIY Cognitive Dissonance: (Do It Yourself) the ongoing attitude or behaviors one puts out in the world “confirming” one’s adverse beliefs that were forged in trauma; this solidifies the adverse belief while disabling one’s ability to accept the contradictory belief.
Covert Abuse: sneaky types of abuse that easily slip under one’s radar for detecting whether one has been or is in an abusive situation. When the abuse is covert, one feels a stronger temptation to dismiss one’s emotional cues and body sensations to go along with the covert abuser. It should be the reverse, because any one of these types of abuses can escalate into Overt Abuse on a dime.
DARVO: (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) All four Cluster B disorders share a major core trait: the refusal to be held accountable for their abusive behaviors. In fact, they will all go to great lengths to avoid accountability. This is a primary tool they use to achieve this. In one’s personal life, they have a talent for manipulating both authorities and the reactive abuse of their victims, the latter of which are the ones who appear to be the guilty party and end up paying the price. There are numerous examples all over the internet, especially when a victim dares to share their story and attempt to use it to warn others about Cluster B’s.
See also: Baiting; Cluster B Personality Disorders; Negging; Reactive Abuse
Distortion Campaign: When love bombing fails, the distortion campaign begins. This is how they start enlisting flying monkeys. Cluster B’s have a knack for acting as their own P.R. rep, or spin doctors. They do this by taking a kernel of “provable” truth and build an exaggerated tale around it. Due to this kernel of provable truth, the unenlightened are tempted to believe the full, distorted version of events that the Cluster B has woven.
See also: Gaslighting; Love Bombing; Soul Murder
Enabler Parent: *Special disclaimer: there are many of you who got away from your abuser and carry a tremendous amount of guilt for even exposing your child/ren to someone so toxic. I’m also aware that you’re the same type of parents who, while you were in that abusive partnership, you intervened numerous times on behalf of your child/ren, much to your peril. To you, I say on behalf of your children, thank you, and I assure you, I am NOT describing you. *
The true Enabler Parent is the one who goes along with the tyrant parent, excusing the abuse, no matter what. Any parent who puts the house tyrant’s needs above the welfare of his/her children is NOT a true parent. The Enabler can have a personality disorder, as well but not necessarily. In most cases, purely because the Enabler parent is prone to fewer temper tantrums, the children grow up perceiving this parent as the “nice/rational” one and therefore the “safe” one. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. The enabler parent is looking out for his/her own preservation and is therefore choosing what’s “easy for now” without any foresight on how hard choices made today can and will lead to an easier future. Never mistake the coward’s weakness for kindness (read that again). The enabler teaches the children self-defeatist “life skills”, particularly how it’s more important to appease bullies than standing up for what is right; not to mention the guilt for having emotional needs that (god forbid!) contradict the tyrant’s.
Emotional Argument: See also JADE
Emotional Incest: See also: Covert Abuse
Emotional Neglect: See also: Covert Abuse
Enmeshment: blurred to nonexistent boundaries that engulf one’s sense of self to the point where one has difficulty understanding how to separate one’s emotions from the other’s; the over-involvement in one’s life; the exploitation of a relationship by living through the other person.
Gaslighting: often referred to as the “crazy-making” manipulation tactic; the Cluster B personality disorders have mastered this one. This is because their toxic hunger for validation themselves causes them to toxically invalidate others. This is the primary tell worth noticing if you suspect you’re being gaslit. The one-two punch of being invalidated while they are validating themselves. Other noteworthy tells include: The shifting of blame by minimizing one’s responsibility while magnifying their victim’s responsibility in a conflict. To make one doubt their own perception by instigating a reaction from the victim.
See also: Cluster B Personality Disorders; DARVO; JADE; Projection
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD): this is considered the “counterpart” to NPD, due to their shared need for crowd pleasing attention. Extremely shallow, provocative, with a pathological need to be center of attention. The walking stereotype of the high school Queen Bee who never matured post-high school.
See also: Cluster B Personality Disorders
Hoovering: Stage 3 of toxic relationship. This is a covert version of love bombing. This is when, after some time and distance, the Cluster B will contact you under seemingly innocent pretenses, “just to see how you’re doing” of course, or have some mundane or irrelevant news in general to share. It isn’t uncommon for them to make a generalized apology over past wrongs. Please note, they will never name specific wrongs that they committed because the mere thought of owning up fully is triggering to these PERSONality disorders. Also included is when they play what I refer to as “the third-party messenger game”, when instead of contacting you directly, they call a friend or relative to ask about you and how much they miss you. Remember, they always sound better from a distance than they do behind closed doors.
See also: Love Bombing; Intermittent Reinforcement
Infantilize: The parental encouragement of making the child behave less mature than their age. This is often reinforced by a toxic level of nurturing (which is more like love bombing) and over-validation. This is most often seen in the makings of the Mini-Me sibling.
See also Family Dysfunction; Love bombing
Intermittent Reinforcement: Stage 2 of toxic relationship. The most manipulative and therefore, most effective strategy abusers use to strengthen the trauma bond with their Supply Person, I mean “significant other”. Ever hear the DV victim’s cliched excuse as per why they stay in the relationship: “When things are good, they’re really, really good”? This is the method used to keep them there. Remember that the Cluster B’s modus operandi is to hook in the victim until the victim forgets oneself in the process. Where intermittent reinforcement is concerned, this begins with Love Bombing. Once the supply person is hooked on the so-called greatest-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me, the attention and the “showering with love” wanes drastically, to the point where the supply person, unaware that the love bombing phase was a mask the whole time, is willing to do anything to get the early and false version of the manipulator back. Occasionally, the manipulator will slip the mask back in place and respond to supply person with a morsel of the attentiveness they had in the beginning. Despite how the special occasions don’t last long, the supply person’s view is clouded by the addiction of false hope, itself.
See also: Brainwashing; Gaslighting; Love Bombing; Primary Attachment Figure; Trauma Bond
JADE: Justify, Argue, Deny, Explain. Also known as the “Circle Argument” or “Emotional Argument”. This is yet another skill that only gaslighters know how to pull off. They goad you into an emotional reaction, all so that they can accuse you of being the one with the problem. (e.g., Them: “If I’m wrong, then why are you so defensive?” You: “You’ve been nagging me about the same thing for over an hour.” Them: “So now you’re blaming me?”) Don’t even think about making them see reason, much less, logic because they also like to switch topics and find something else to argue over. Yes, I know, your side of the argument makes so much sense, surely if you Explain it *one more way* they will finally see it. WRONG! Such things only bounce off their heads (I’ve named this Rubberized Brain Phenomenon) while their brains shrink even more into their own perspective and no one else’s. Yet another appropriate acronym because arguments like this will certainly leave you jaded.
See also: Rubberized Brain Phenomenon
Laundry Listing: Another way of looking at this is evidence gathering for abusers. Gift giving and/or “good deeds” that come with strings attached. It’s used as leverage to keep one trauma bonded. Whenever the victim tries to set a boundary or hold the person accountable for their behavior, the abuser has their laundry list of “great things” they have done at the ready. It’s a form of gaslighting that’s meant to imply that they are the givers, and the victim is the taker. However, what’s absent in their laundry list is any evidence of compassion. That’s worth noting, as compassionate behavior towards someone doesn’t require material gifts or favors. Conversely, the abuser can also laundry list all the horrible things the victim has done. In either case, compassionate behaviors do not stoop to such low levels.
See also Cluster B Personality Disorders; Cognitive Dissonance; DARVO; Gaslighting; JADE; Trauma Bond
Love Bombing: *the following is two parts: (1) what it looks like when the abuser is love bombing their child and (2) what it looks like when you’re being romanced by an abuser just like your abusive parent. *
- A tactic abusive people utilize when their victim separates from them. When going no contact, they really turn it up. Most common lines go something like this: “I had no idea I was hurting you; Please, you’re my world; I’ll do anything”. Most often they acquire a new personality (mask) that’s conveniently loving and caring, from a distance. This is the most hurtful betrayal the abusive parent commits on their child because it fuels false hopes that at long last, they finally get the loving parent they always wanted. Don’t fall for it. As soon as you’re back in their clutches, they revert to their old ways.
- Stage 1 of toxic relationship. The attentive, charming, and caring mask abusers wear in the early stages of romancing their newest supply person. They are experts at sweeping people off their feet in a whirlwind type of courtship. If you suddenly feel like you’ve never met anyone who (conveniently) likes all the same things you like, or someone who is just “so perfect” in every way, it’s like it’s too good to be true, chances are high that it really is too good to be authentic. Please note that Love Bombing is stage 1 in Intermittent Reinforcement. Love Bombing is simply how they get you hooked before they unmask.
See also: Gaslighting; Intermittent Reinforcement; Hoovering; Primary Attachment Figure
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): has a grandiose self-image that fuels the excessive need for attention. Due to their weak sense of self, they place high emotional demands on others to venerate and assure them that they do, in fact, measure up to the fantastical ideals they have of themselves. Not all NPD are psychopaths, but all psychopaths have NPD in their makeup.
See also: Cluster B Personality Disorder
Negging: The “backhanded compliment”, a tactic used for manipulating the target person into living for their approval. The compliment tends to have some covert negativity attached to it, which dampens the target person’s feeling of being good enough. (e.g., “Just think how much more beautiful you’d look if you lost weight.” The target is told they’re beautiful while feeling self-conscious about their body image.) There are numerous examples that fall under the umbrella of negging. Comparing the target person to someone else, or claiming they’re proud of target person’s accomplishment, even though they “know” the target person could have done better, are just a few. The primary goal of the one who negs is to keep their target hooked in the perpetual sense of “almost good enough, but not quite there.” With parents like this in our lives, is it any wonder why we struggle with accepting compliments from others or feeling like we’re good enough?
See also Covert Abuse
Operant Conditioning Abuse: In operant conditioning, it’s the application of using both positive and negative reinforcement on a person or animal to produce the desired behavioral outcome. In operant conditioning abuse, however, the negative reinforcement is amplified, while the “positive” reinforcement is nothing more than relief from the abuse. E.g.: A parent who beats their child, then beats the child harder for crying. The beating ends only once the child stops crying. Over time the child’s ability to grieve is blocked because the mind has been conditioned into associating tears with severe punishment. Note: this is a so-called “outdated” term, but this author believes it deserves a permanent spot in the trauma glossary.
See also: Brainwashing; Intermittent Reinforcement; Soul Murder
Pedophile: Grown people who are sexually attracted to children. They have already started their movement, using the same invalidating language the Cluster B’s have been using. “Not all pedophiles molest children,” they claim. (Familiar phraseology to anyone else?) They believe that pedophilia should be recognized as a sexual orientation. They are next in line where forced tolerance and inclusion is concerned, unless enough people are willing to see the abuser’s culture for what it is and are equally willing to stand up.
Primary Attachment Figure (PAF): Talk about a term that’s been watered down by the internet gaslighters! Thanks to them, you may know this as “Favorite Person” or what BPDs have shortened as “FP” because let’s face it; it sounds more flattering than PAF. The PAF is the primary supply person to the Cluster B, the very one they will unleash their true selves around while demanding validation for doing so. Due to the Cluster B’s weak sense of self, they are merger hungry and obsessed with their PAF. The Cluster B will go to great lengths to ensure that their PAF will mirror and enable them. The more the PAF is is manipulated by the Cluster B, the more the PAF is in danger of losing their own sense of self. The Cluster B’s goal is to whittle down the PAF to the point where they only perceive both people and the world through the eyes of the Cluster B. Once they achieve this, they have successfully created their very own Enabler.
See also: Gaslighting; Enmeshment; Love Bombing; Intermittent Reinforcement; Soul Murder; Trauma Bond
Psychopath: The Anti-Social Personality Disorder meets Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The psychopath is typically born this way, not made.
See also: Anti-Social Personality Disorder; Cluster B Personality Disorders; Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Projection: the assumption that the other person has identical traits, motives, and/or actionable behavior as oneself. Where Cluster B’s are concerned, this comes out in the form of character assassinations and absurd accusations that are downright paranoid. (E.g., Spouse is five minutes late coming home; Cluster B accuses spouse of cheating.) If we consider how empathy is a form of projection, in the sense that how we understand and identify with others comes from having been in or currently in the other person’s shoes, it’s telling on what sort of person we are dealing with. Is there true depth behind the person’s perception of others or does the perception lack luster? If it’s the latter, you’re dealing with a Cluster B.
See also: Splitting
Rubberized Brain Phenomenon: Both the Cluster B’s and the10 types of Victim Shamers suffer from this one. In fact, it’s one of the fastest means of detecting the sort of person you’re dealing with. Having a debate with an intelligent and decent person is supposed to produce some air of open-mindedness between both parties. Where Cluster B’s and victim shamers are concerned, it’s the reverse! Their brains hyper-focus on their own perspective, like tunnel vision on steroids. Simultaneously, it’s like a force field effect of rubber springs up around this viewpoint. In the process, reason and logic will bounce right off their brain. Their language tends to get “stuck” on repeat, like a broken record. Hence, its namesake, Rubberized Brain Phenomenon.
See also: JADE
Reactive Abuse: prolonged abuse that’s intended to goad the victim into an abusive reaction. The abuser’s goal is to accuse the victim of abuse while simultaneously engineering toxic shame into the victim who “didn’t know what came over me”. The abuser knows exactly what came over their victim, since they kept abusing the victim to their breaking point. Like a pressure cooker ready to explode, wrathful words or physical violence can and will come out of the victim in the blink of an eye. Most often, the victim is shocked by the outburst or violence, as if the victim’s body or mouth reacted with a mind of its own. It’s important that the victim understands that this was a natural reaction to prolonged abuse.
See also: Baiting; Brainwashing; Operant Conditioning Abuse; Soul Murder
Sociopath: This is the low-functioning version of the psychopath. Whereas the psychopath is typically born a psychopath, the sociopath is made (childhood environment). Before anyone feels too sorry for the sociopath, remember that Adolf Hitler was also an abused child. His childhood does NOT excuse his actions as an adult.
See also: Psychopath
Splitting: failure to see both positive and negative traits in a person. Each person is perceived as either “all good” or “all bad” without any grey areas. This is typically a part of projection, whereas the Cluster B has taken their own bad traits that, instead of looking inward long enough to accept it as them, they hurl it onto their target person. Meanwhile, they perceive the “all good” person as a reflection of the idealized image they want to merge with. Because the “all good” person is not psychic, sooner or later, “all good” person will fail to follow the Cluster B’s imaginary script and will therefore shift rapidly into the perceived “all bad” person.
See also Primary Attachment Figure; Projection
Soul Murder: the act of committing spiritual annihilation on a person through an extended period of emotional abuse, neglect, gaslighting and control; to slowly erode one’s joy, self-esteem and sense of identity while ultimately confusing one’s victim to bond with their spiritual predator for emotional validation and needs
See also: Brainwashing, Trauma Bond, Gaslighting, Enmeshment
Suicide Theater: *special disclaimer! * Suicide Ideation (see also Trauma Glossary 2) is not only a common problem in CPTSD, but there are those who have attempted suicide or talked about an urge to end their life when they were sincerely crying for help, NOT as a motive to manipulate, or worse, the ultimate act of vengeance, as you will see. Suicide theater is composed of three platforms. 1) Coercive Threat: “If you do/don’t (insert what the Cluster B wants) I will kill myself!” 2) Fake Attempt: they actively attempt suicide in some way but with an obvious safety net which insures they won’t lose their life (e.g., Swallowing a bottle of pills and promptly “passing out” within minutes before spouse/children arrive home). 3) Final and Ultimate Vengeance: they complete suicide, not as a means of ending their suffering, but to inflict the ultimate abandonment on you. It’s the final act of holding you responsible for their decisions, to the very end. Their declaration of suicide is horrific abuse designed to keep you bound to them. The problem is, playing into this only further enables the Cluster B into more Coercive Threats or Fake Attempts. If their tactics work the first time, they will keep doing this.
Trauma Bond: also known as Stockholm Syndrome, a by-product of brainwashing where in this case, the outcome creates one’s sense of loyalty and attachment to one’s abuser. Created out of constant swinging of the emotional pendulum (perpetuated by the abuser) from extreme love for victim to extreme character assassinations with little to no middle ground; creates confusion and disorientation to the point where the victim 1) clings to the elusive hope for the extreme love to return 2) looks to abuser for primary source of validation 3) therefore unable to detach because the victim feels destroyed without the abuser.
See also: Brainwashing; Enmeshment; Soul Murder
Triangulation: “Divide and Conquer” type of manipulation that promotes rivalry and conflicts among people by treating them vastly different (e.g., Unfairly validating one while scapegoating the other). This discourages civilized communication (except through the one committing triangulation) between the manipulator’s targets. This is the major theme that’s played in family dysfunction.
Victim Shamers: Those who have more sympathy for the abuser than the victim; those who make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior. There are victim shamers who take it to the next level and are aiding and abetting today’s Abuser’s Culture. In fact, there are so many, I was forced to turn them into a series of four articles. They are:
The 5 Types in our (offline) community
A History Lesson on how the abuser’s culture has risen up on the internet (I introduce you to 3 Types that started this trend we’re currently in.)
I introduce our current climate, the 3 Types of Grifters and their targeted audience, the Apologists and Enablers (who I also defined in this one)
Finally, I wrapped up this series with affirmations to my CPTSD community and a reminder that this site will never follow “what’s trending” on the world wide web.
See also Rubberized Brain Phenomenon (because each type in this series takes what they have used to limit themselves and turned it into their Weapon of Choice.)
Unmask: At long last, the answer to the most asked question: If it’s a mental illness, then why are they self-aware enough to behave themselves in public? It turns out, they’ve had their own name for this for a while; they just don’t want you to know. Going out in public with their masks ON is as binding as the ladies of centuries past felt in their corsets. Imagine the relief they must have felt at night when their bodies were at last freed from those bindings. Except for where cluster B’s are concerned, home is the relief point from their mask of human decency, the very place where they unmask and behave as their true selves.
See also Cluster B Personality Disorders