We hear of the domestic violence victim who stays or keeps going back to their abuser. And until we understand coercive control, we will keep asking, Why can’t they just leave? We are asking the wrong question. The victim is free to leave at any time in the physical sense. But coercive control is psychological bondage and it should be as commonly known as domestic violence because the two are synonymous. If physical abuse was the only abuse tactic, more victims of domestic violence would ask for help. But domestic violence is more than physical violence. It’s the psychological erosion of the human spirit. Just because we can’t see the victim’s chains doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
As outside observers, we see “just leave” as the clear solution. But what we cannot see are two things. One is that leaving this type of abuser tends to be more dangerous for the victim than staying. The other is the biological science behind their psychological erosion. Psychological abuse doesn’t only harm their mental health. It also impacts their body chemicals, brain chemistry, and nervous system. And until the victim separates from the abuser, the victim’s body and brain will continue playing its macabre symphony on the abuser’s command. The science behind their mental health is the reason we see the victim staying or continue going back to their abuser. (See also Trauma Glossary 3: Brain and Body on Trauma for a crash course, though we will be going more in depth.)
And so, the question we should ask instead is, Why is it in their best interest not to leave? A special thanks to Monckton Smith (see citation at the end). After years of investigating coercive control, Smith has reframed this question. I only changed the pronoun to include both genders.
Men Too and a Disclaimer
As a woman, I am well aware of the fact that women tend to be vulnerable against male abusers. I am also aware of certain cultures that actively oppress women in a patriarchal society. The oppression of all human beings deeply offends me. And while I am aware that, statistically speaking, more women are murdered by abusive male partners than the reverse, I will not take these facts and use them to throw out the baby with the bathwater.
As a woman who was abused by a woman, I also grew up watching my father being abused by that same woman. Upon educating myself on Cluster B abuse and speaking with male survivors of this, I can confirm that what I grew up witnessing is no isolated anomaly in this research. Statistically speaking, male victims of domestic violence are less inclined to ask for help, much less report it.
Male victims of domestic violence are in a double-bind. Society tends to mock them if they report it. “You got beat up by a woman?” they jeer. And yet, if the man puts up his hands to defend himself, he will be the one arrested for domestic violence.
It’s for this reason the suicide rate is higher in male victims of domestic violence. Because for many of them, their only options are ending their physical life or going the way my father has. My father is still married to my borderline mother for 50 years now. And I assure you that he is dead in every sense except physical.
If these facts and my insistence on using they/them pronouns to include all victims offends anyone’s cognitive bias, there are a multitude of articles on the internet raising awareness on coercive control in regards to women only.
The Stages of Coercive Control
Domestic violence does not have to be physical abuse. But that does not mean that the non-physical type of abuser won’t escalate at the threat of losing their victim. Just look up Josh Powell, who never hit his wife but he very much used coercive control. The mere threat of his wife leaving him ended in murder. And when faced with going to prison and losing his two sons, he burned both himself and his children alive.
This can’t be reiterated enough. The coercive control abuser is most dangerous when faced with the threat of losing their victim. The victim is the abuser’s property and if they can’t have them, no one else can. What you will see are all the psychological abuses that occur in this type of abuse. Like cancer, early detection saves lives.
Stage 1: The Whirlwind Courtship
Love Bombing: Stage 1 of toxic relationship. The attentive, charming, and caring mask abusers wear in the early stages of romancing their newest supply person. They are experts at sweeping people off their feet in a whirlwind type of courtship. If you suddenly feel like you’ve never met anyone who (conveniently) likes all the same things you like, or someone who is just “so perfect” in every way, it’s like it’s too good to be true, chances are high that it really is too good to be authentic. Love Bombing is simply how they get you hooked before they unmask.
Trauma Glossary 1: The Abuser’s Culture
The infatuation stage of all relationships tend to come with a bit of that “rush”, the excitement for when we will next see our person. Then as the relationship develops, the rush calms as we form a secure bond. Abusers bypass the secure stage and lull their victim into a false sense of infinite euphoria. There’s bonding and then there is the trauma bond (also in Trauma Glossary 1). The trauma bond is an addiction to the abuser and it hits the same body chemicals that are present in substance abuse.
It begins with dopamine, that “beautiful, euphoric high”. They want more and can’t get enough of it. Except this isn’t a substance. This is a person. High dopamine is linked with two things. Addiction is one and the other is a term that comes from attachment theory known as Activated Attachment System. But we can think of it as a fancy word for separation anxiety. This is important to remember in coercive control. Because the abuser will continually play on the victim’s dopamine throughout the relationship.
The unsuspecting victim has no idea that their dopamine high is blinding them to the early warning signs. They have finally found their perfect partner. They live and breathe for this person and will do anything in the world for them. Including forgiveness for their person’s flaws. But the mask has yet to slip and the abuser knows that they can’t keep up this façade forever. That’s why they rush their victim into a commitment. The moment the victim and abuser begin cohabiting is when the mask slips.
Stage 2: Intermittent Reinforcement and Gaslighting
Intermittent Reinforcement: Stage 2 of toxic relationship. The most manipulative and therefore, most effective strategy abusers use to strengthen the trauma bond with their Supply Person, I mean “significant other”. Ever hear the DV victim’s cliched excuse as per why they stay in the relationship: “When things are good, they’re really, really good”? This is the method used to keep them there. Remember that the Cluster B’s modus operandi is to hook in the victim until the victim forgets oneself in the process. Where intermittent reinforcement is concerned, this begins with Love Bombing. Once the supply person is hooked on the so-called greatest-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me, the attention and the “showering with love” wanes drastically, to the point where the supply person, unaware that the love bombing phase was a mask the whole time, is willing to do anything to get the early and false version of the manipulator back. Occasionally, the manipulator will slip the mask back in place and respond to supply person with a morsel of the attentiveness they had in the beginning. Despite how the special occasions don’t last long, the supply person’s view is clouded by the addiction of false hope, itself.
Trauma Glossary 1: The Abuser’s Culture
Intermittent reinforcement is also known as breadcrumbing. The victim is living off tiny morsels of the love and illusion that was so abundant in the love bombing stage. Like a drug dealer, the abuser is withholding love as a sick means of “training” the victim into accepting their abuse by living for “those beautiful moments in between the abuse”.
No abusive relationship is complete without lots of gaslighting (also in Trauma Glossary 1). Gaslighting is how the abuser makes the victim doubt their reality. Given how the Cluster B disorders are notorious for denying accountability by blaming others, it should come as no surprise that they increase this malicious intent on their domestic violence victim. The victim tends to experience memory loss, both real and induced by the abuser. Over time, this leads to decreased activation in the top section of the brain, known as the Prefrontal Cortex. Brain fog tends to be its side-effect. And so, the victim relies on the abuser as their only source of stability, unaware that the abuser is the one orchestrating this false reality.
With Isolation and Enmeshment
Isolating the victim is a major hallmark of coercive control. The abuser must do this so that the victim has no one to turn to. Otherwise, the abuser cannot keep the victim hooked in their gaslighting and intermittent reinforcement cycles. Either the abuser convinces their victim to move far away with a tactic known as future faking. A euphoric paradise is waiting for them, but only if they leave the victim’s friends and family behind. Or, unable to move away, the abuser begins to find fault in one friend and family member after another. And each time, they demand that the victim cease contact with those who are seeing through the abuser and wanting to help the victim.
The abuser is paranoid of others validating the victim. And that’s why they control and monopolize the victim’s time. The abuser demands to always know where the victim is and who they come into contact with. If the abuser has their way, they will accompany the victim each time they leave the house, jealously guarding their supply person.
Many abusers find the means of doing exactly that. From getting a job at the same company to keep a watchful eye on the victim, to installing home cameras as a means of watching the victim’s every move, or putting a tracking device on the victim’s car. Other ways are making constant calls at work, checking the victim’s phone, and even the insistence of tagging along while grocery shopping. “We go together, or you go nowhere at all,” is the abuser’s unspoken language. There is nothing the victim does that the abuser knows nothing about.
The Science of Coercive Control
Do you know why isolating is such a devastating form of abuse? It shuts down our Social Engagement System, which is in the top section of our brain and half of our Vagus Nerve (the VVC). Isolation is the fastest means of having a Dopamine deficiency. Because Dopamine shares a converter (Norepinephrine) with Cortisol, it becomes imbalanced. Imbalanced Cortisol automatically imbalances Serotonin. Our system still runs the same as it did in primitive times, when safety in numbers was key to survival. So, when we are isolated, we have emotional numbness, a loss of identity, digestion and immunity problems, and we forget that we can call for help.
And that’s just what happens without abuse entering the equation. Psychological abuse with isolation makes this biological programming even more intense.
Interpersonal Trauma is the No Closure Wound
How much worse does it get with abuse? Well, without access to an outside support system, the victim’s social engagement system (the VVC) is shut down, thereby losing access to their mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are how we experience being seen, heard, and validated. It’s how we smile when others smile at us or frown sympathetically when a friend shares a painful story. We tend to underestimate the power of an emotional facial expression in response to what we share. Until we imagine a life without it. Without access to those of whom they can process what’s going on, the victim will remain confused and enmeshed with the abuser.
The Dopamine – Norepinephrine – Cortisol – Serotonin – Oxytocin Domino Effect
How quickly the dopamine pendulum has swung for the victim. From the euphoric “high” – which is the side-effect of dopamine when it’s too high – during the love bombing stage, and straight into a dopamine deficiency in stage 2. At this stage, we can understand why it is in the victim’s best interest to stay by remembering that the trauma bond is an addiction. The victim is living for glimmers of that person they had originally fallen in love with. And each time the abuser – their only source of love now – throws them a breadcrumb, the victim gets their “fix”. That dopamine high that’s gone too soon.
Dopamine and cortisol’s converter, norepinephrine starts working overtime. It must, or else the adrenaline spikes from repeated abuse will send the victim into cardiac arrest. Norepinephrine numbs the emotions so that the victim can keep surviving the abuse. The problem is that over time, numbed emotions trick the brain into thinking that the situation is “not so bad” and that those breadcrumb moments mean, “It’s getting better”. This dysregulates cortisol – the body’s stress response – and serotonin, its mood stabilizer. One of the major signs of a serotonin deficiency is the loss of identity and we will see how the abuser plays on this in stage 3.
Then what’s next in this domino effect of imbalanced hormones? Oxytocin. We know it as the hormone that helps us bond with others. But here’s an interesting fact you may not know. Oxytocin is really about our social memories. It just happens that when it’s ideal, we have enough positive social memories so that we can form secure bonds. So, what occurs in a trauma bond? Memory loss!
Stage 3: Fear, Shame, and Destroyed Identity
Learned Helplessness: This is a byproduct of repeated exposure to threatening situations where one had no control or hope for escape. Trauma’s golden rule is it keeps us stuck. Where learned helplessness is concerned, one’s outlook is over-generalized by the 3 P’s of pessimism (thanks to Dr. Martin Seligman for this one): Personalizing “It’s my fault”; Pervasiveness “I can’t do anything”; Permanence “It will always be this way”.
Trauma Glossary 2: Ongoing Problems You May Have
Learned Helplessness is also a sign of a cortisol deficiency. That’s when the body is stuck in the mode of accepting defeat for what’s happening or will happen to it. So, not only is the victim feeling this psychologically, but the body is backing up this mindset. And when learned helplessness is this deeply ingrained in the victim, all decisions will trigger a painful fear response called catastrophizing (also in Trauma Glossary 2). Catastrophizing is a future-focused fear that’s rooted in self-doubt. It fears change, including positive ones. The victim may not even know what it is they fear, only that it’s triggered when making decisions. Their choice between staying or leaving their abuser appears to them as choosing between scary but certain versus scary and uncertain. And so, it is in their best interest to stay with what’s familiar when both choices lead to scary.
Between their loss of autonomy, the serotonin deficiency wiping out their sense of identity and the dopamine deficiency robbing them of their sense of purpose, the victim’s self-awareness erodes. That’s when it opens itself to new beliefs, which the abuser happily supplies. Thanks to the brain fog and memory loss, the victim adopts their abuser’s perspective. The abuse has now escalated from mere physical and time enmeshment into psychological blending. The victim’s relationship with their Self is so destroyed, that they will lie to themselves to protect the image they have of the abuser.
This wiping of the old identity and replacing it with new beliefs is eerily similar to the science of brainwashing that occurs in POW (Prisoner of War) camps. (See citation at the end.) There are marked differences, of course. Then again, the only difference between a cult leader and a spiritual abuser is the size of their audience.
Coercive Control and Why They Keep Going Back
Statistically speaking, the domestic violence victim leaves several times before permanently separating from the abuser. As outside observers, we wonder why because we can’t see their science. There are three reasons this happens. One is the activated attachment system we spoke of earlier. As extraordinary as it sounds, the separation anxiety causes the victim’s mind to flood with every positive experience they had with the abuser. And no matter how many abusive experiences, the victim forgets them while in this manic dopamine state.
The second reason is also linked with dopamine. Thanks to Ross Rosenberg, (citation at the end) we know of one more superpower the abuser has. Induced conversation is what the Cluster B disorders use to gain an emotional reaction from their victim and exerting control. From a simple phrase to a mere tone in their voice, they can induce anger or induce love to hook their victim back in. It’s particularly lethal when they induce love. Even hearing the abuser’s voice over the phone has the power to pull the victim back under their spell. But coercive control also induces codependency, which Rosenberg has rebranded as Self-Love Deficiency Syndrome. A fitting name, given everything the victim has been through.
The third reason is all the science behind this abuse is still active. In fact, it takes separation and then healing work to correct it. Each time the victim returns, the abuse increases. Some may remove one type of abuse, tricking the victim into thinking it’s gotten better. But the abuser is also doubling down on the other abuses. This adds confirmation bias to the learned helplessness and catastrophizing cycle. And that makes it more difficult for the victim to try leaving again.
Stage 4: Murder, Suicide, or Soul Death
Soul Murder: the act of committing spiritual annihilation on a person through an extended period of emotional abuse, neglect, gaslighting and control; to slowly erode one’s joy, self-esteem and sense of identity while ultimately confusing one’s victim to bond with their spiritual predator for emotional validation and needs
Trauma Glossary 1: The Abuser’s Culture
This is the stage where it is too late for the victim. Murder or suicide is how the victim loses their physical life. Another way that the victim can lose their life is all the medical problems this type of abuse causes, even without physical abuse. While I have not covered what happens to them medically – choosing to talk instead about the science in their psychology – I do have an article for you at the end that addresses both.
The body begins to reject the abuser and the primary tell is when the medical problems with too high or deficient cortisol intensifies. Rapid weight loss is a sign of deficient cortisol. So are autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue, and digestion problems like irritable bowel syndrome and acid reflux. High cortisol means the body has shifted from learned helplessness into fight or flight. Weight gain is a major symptom of high cortisol. So is high blood pressure, diabetes, and cancer. This tends to happen after years of living in coercive control. The victim has endured every type of abuse and is eroding psychologically into nothing.
The body is trying to signal to the victim, It’s time to escape, if not physically then by death. If the victim does not know how to listen to and obey their body, complete soul death occurs. The victim shuts down psychologically and will not know how to function without their abuser. Even in the rare case that they outlive their abuser, the victim cannot recover their old self because the soul has been murdered past the point of return.
The “Whittling Down Effect”
Many adult survivors of having only one Cluster B parent grew up witnessing what happened to the other parent who chose to stay. They talk about the whittling down effect it had on the battered parent, even when the abuse was non-physical. And I count myself among them. Because I witnessed this whittling down effect on my father as day by day and year after year, he was slowly losing more of himself. And now – or so I have heard, having been no contact since 2009 – after surviving two cancer diagnoses, he has an obnoxious beer gut, even though he doesn’t drink. He no longer responds to my borderline mother’s daily rages. He only frowns and grunts. It is too late for my father because he can no longer function without his abuser.
It is also worth mentioning that we tend to call that parent the enabler parent (also in Trauma Glossary 1). However, I also know that not all victims of domestic violence make the same choices that the enabler parent makes. That’s why the definition of the enabler parent also comes with a disclaimer. On this site, I stand with children first and adult survivors of childhood trauma. I also stand with battered spouses but I will not stand with enabler parents. No amount of abuse or trauma excuses enabling the abuser to hurt the children.
How We Can Help the Domestic Violence Victim
Validate them without judgement. Even though we want the victim to leave, we must also be aware of the process it takes for them to do so. When the victim is ready to open up, they will remember the one who never said “just leave”. And that’s the person they will open up to. Bear in mind another extraordinary fact. Many victims of coercive control don’t understand they are being abused. But anyone who watched the R. Kelly documentaries also know that his wife had to take a test similar to this one to find out if she was being abused. The domestic violence victim carries lots of shame, both about themselves and all the abuses that are going on. The victim has been programmed into protecting their abuser. So, be aware that what they share might be just the tip of the iceberg.
Never, ever underestimate the malicious intent of this type of abuser when faced with the threat of losing their PERSON -al property. Anyone evil enough to commit coercive control is capable of murder, regardless of having no history of physical violence. It is in the victim’s best interest to not “just leave” but to strategize a safe exit plan. And they must be sure the abuser doesn’t suspect a thing.
Then once they escape, there’s the withdrawals of that lethal drug known as trauma bond they must work through. Making a list of all the abuses they suffered while under their abuser’s control can help bring clarity during those manic spikes of high dopamine. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I’ve seen how these lists have helped other victims break the trauma bond.
Citations and Further Reading
The article on Moncton Smith’s investigation not only summarizes her findings. It also includes a link to her book and you get to see her Ted Talk all in one place! That link is (here).
What are the similarities between coercive control and brainwashing in POW camps? That article is (here).
Ross Rosenberg’s YouTube video on induced conversation is highly enlightening. Be sure you watch to the end, when he shows a clip from The Blues Brothers to demonstrate the swift power of induced conversation. Check it out (here).
If you want a more thorough understanding of the science of this type of abuse, both psychologically and medically, I have an article for you. It also includes nine visual aids. That article is (here).
I have one more for you because I know I didn’t get into the other types of abuses that go on in coercive control. However, my article, Covert Abuse: 7 Types You Need to Know has you covered. What is covert abuse? They are the sneaky types of abuses that tend to escalate in a coercive control relationship. Each type is described in their covert stages, then how each one escalates, and then the lasting effects we tend to have from these abuses. Abuse is like cancer. Early detection saves lives. And if we can catch abuse in the covert stage, we can escape before it becomes the domestic violence situation discussed in this article. The article on covert abuse is (here).