Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Divorcing one tends to be exhausting. That’s because the abuser becomes the most unstable when the victim – who they view as their property – breaks free from their control. That’s why we often see divorces from these high-conflict people drag on for years. Taylor’s story is no exception. She is exposing the messages her abuser left her when, after seven years of separation, their divorce is finally finalized. That’s when her abuser, angry over the loss of his last shred of power over her, leaves her a string of nasty voice messages.
This is the final installment of Don and Taylor’s story – two survivors of abusive relationships before finding each other. These voice messages (four in all) have been transcribed into written format. So, there is a language warning because I have decided to show the full abuse of his words. Only Taylor’s and Don’s last name and the first and last name of Taylor’s abuser have been deleted. The purpose of exposing these messages is not to exploit, but to educate.
Sometimes as outside observers, we are unsure what we are hearing, especially when the rant is without obvious threats. Is this justifiable anger or is it gaslighting and DARVO? The Cluster B disorders have a knack for distorting the truth and building seemingly “reasonable” excuses for themselves. (All underline terms in Trauma Glossary 1.) That’s why Taylor is exposing her abuser’s messages while providing context on what actually happened versus his interpretation.
A Recap and a Little Context First
Since this is the final installment of Taylor and Don’s story, here are the first three.
Autism vs. BPD: The Stark Contrasts in Neurodivergence. Taylor and Don introduce themselves and Taylor talks about her autism.
Escaping Coercive Control: An Interview with a Survivor. Taylor describes her 13-year-long relationship with her abuser and how she escaped him in 2015.
Suicide Theater, False Reporting, and Abuse: A Survivor’s Tell-All. Don describes the 3-year-long abuse he endured at the hands of his ex-girlfriend with borderline personality disorder. Taylor and Don also describe how they met each other in 2019 and how Don finally escaped his abuser that same year.
We are now at the year 2022 in Taylor’s story. First, just a small quote from Taylor’s interview when she escaped her abuser. Check out how close she came to losing her farm on her abuser’s behalf in 2015. But more astounding than that, wait until you hear how Taylor found her abuser seven years later when serving him with divorce papers.
Taylor: We were going to sell the farm at the end of 2015 and buy his parents’ farm [8 hours away]. We were in the process of moving there to make it easier to sell my farm when I realized he was still seeing the other woman.
Our financial separation was finalized in 2018, where I paid him out the amount he requested, I assumed all our debt, and gave him any assets (car, cattle, heirlooms, etc.) that he requested.
Escaping Coercive Control: An Interview with a Survivor
Taylor: In August 2022, I called and asked if he would sign the divorce papers (the last of my ties to him, but legally only stopping us from remarrying – the financials were already done). He agreed to sign them, and I drafted the documents, had a lawyer review them and – by the end of October – drove to (8 hours away) for him to sign them. He was living with his parents there. Don was with me for this trip as there was no way I would go see him unattended.
“And just like that, I wasn’t going to anymore. I wasn’t going to engage, I didn’t need to defend myself…”
Taylor: We drove around the block a few times because I was scared to go face my abuser. I almost didn’t go because my anxiety was through the roof. But Don said, “We came this far, just go ask him to sign”.
So, we pull up and I see this dirty bearded guy hiding by his parents’ porch. He was hunched over and crazy faced. I said to Don “That’s probably his older brother. He is diagnosed bipolar and sometimes has episodes if his meds are off”.
We park and I get out of the car and turn to the man, who I think is his brother and he says, “What do you want?” I realize it is my ex and am in shock. I said “Hey (his name)” and reach my hand to shake his, trying to be civil. He says “No”. I smiled politely and said, “I am here with the divorce papers for you to sign like we discussed a few months back”.
He says, “Let me see” and I give him the papers. And now he’s staring at me like a crazy person, and he says, “Get off my farm”.
I had no desire to fight. My anxiety was now gone – seeing how he was a complete loony made me realize he never actually had any power over me, and I just gave him my power. And just like that, I wasn’t going to anymore. I wasn’t going to engage, I didn’t need to defend myself, I didn’t need to argue. I didn’t need to justify myself to him. So, I just said “Ok” with a smile and got back in the car.
“And we left, joking with each other of the insanity that I let that little crazy man cause me to live in fear for so long.”
Taylor: During this whole exchange, Don had been trying to find and put on his coat. He stood up and I was gone. He looked at my ex and said, “Nice to meet you” and looked around for me, then realized I was in the car.
Don got in and asked “Where’s (the ex)”. I replied, “That was him”. He asked, “Did he sign?” I said, “Nope”. Then Don said, “We should make him. We came all this way. It’s been 7 years – this needs to be over”.
And I replied “I’m not fighting with him. It’s what he wants. I gave him a chance to sign. He doesn’t want to. I will serve him, and we will get the divorce that way. There’s no stopping it – I just wanted him to have the chance to be part of it.”
And we left, joking with each other of the insanity that I let that little crazy man cause me to live in fear for so long.
Jaena: I am really glad you had Don with you though. A one-on-one encounter with a cluster B disorder is most dangerous when separating from them. I’m sure he didn’t resort to violence because he knew there was another man in that car.
Exposing the messages he gives his girlfriend
Taylor: I stayed with his brother’s ex-wife because she and I have remained friends.
Jaena: Is this the same brother’s wife who refused to lie for your abuser in 2015?
Taylor: Yes, she is now also divorced (well separated – his brother is making the divorce as drawn out as my ex made ours). And I stayed with her the whole time.
Later, once I got to her house, I got a call from his girlfriend (the same girl that he continued to see after I said I didn’t want an open relationship anymore). I almost didn’t take the call, but curiosity got the best of me. She talked to me for over an hour.
She told me that he was living in a trailer at the back of his parents’ property. He had no running water or electricity. His parents didn’t allow him near the house, but he snuck there during the day to steal water, etc. The guy is 40 years old. When I pulled in driving a friend’s car that was loaned to me since mine had some issues and I didn’t trust it on a 8-hour trip, he thought it was his mom coming home early and that he was busted. Apparently it was the same year, make, model and color of his mom’s car. He was convinced that I drove that car on purpose to upset him.
The insanity of that distorted perception is huge – even if I cared that much about mind fucking him, how would I know the year, make and model of his mom’s car 7 years after we went no contact? How would I find one to borrow or rent??
Suicide Theater, Triangulation, and FOG – Oh my!
Taylor: She then went on to tell me he was suicidal (using suicide theater to control people around him was an old trick). That he wouldn’t live in the apartment she was in because he didn’t like the roommate (triangulating). That he couldn’t work because he’s in a bad state (ie: using her for her money like he used me). And that they just had to get over this rough patch and everything would be good (there was always something we needed to surmount and then he would be good. It was like that for 13 years for me. Only now that the FOG has cleared can I see that there was never going to be a time that we got over the hump and it would always be someone else’s fault that he was a loser and a failure).
I think the saddest part for me talking to her that day was realizing that these Cluster Bs are so predictable. He was doing to her and playing her and using her in all the same ways he used me. There was nothing unique or brilliant or particularly intelligent in the way I was manipulated. But I let him do it. And now she was letting him do it to her.
Divorce Procedures in Canada
Jaena: That’s quite a lot of drama for one day. With your abuser refusing to sign the divorce papers, what are your options now?
Taylor: So, the divorce process when both parties don’t agree and sign is: 1) party that wants divorce files with the court. The court copies the documents, and the person has a week (I may be wrong on that timeline) to serve the other party. 2) Serving can be done through a serving company. However, that wasn’t an option with the rural location of his parents’ farm. It can also be done by family or friends of the person serving. I went that route. I had asked a cousin if she could do it (her cottage is out that way) but she didn’t feel safe. Don did it for me though.
In the serving process, the server needs to confirm that the person is indeed the person to be served. This can be done visually if they know the person or by verbally confirming. Don did both – he had met (ex) when we went to his parents’ house and he asked (ex) if he was (ex’s first and last name), which (ex) confirmed. The server also needs to state their name and that the person has been served. Don did that as well. Lastly, the server needs to sign a form saying they completed all of that and submit that form to the courts.
He repeatedly asked me to identify myself and I repeatedly told him “I am Don *** and I’m here to serve you these divorce papers.”
Jaena: Pause, because I’m smelling drama a mile away. If there’s one thing we know about those who commit coercive control, it’s that they never relinquish control without throwing a temper tantrum. What happened when you served him, Don?
Don: I knocked on the door, introduced myself (to identify myself), and asked if he was [first and last name withheld]. He said yes, (confirmed it was him) and I shook his hand. Then I reached in my coat and pulled out the documents and notified him that he was served. I then attempted to leave, but he demanded I stay to identify himself and why I was there (which I repeated again). This went on and on. He repeatedly asked me to identify myself and I repeatedly told him, “I am Don *** and I’m here to serve you these divorce papers.” I continued to repeat in a Grey Rock tone whenever he asked again. He finally demanded I leave, which I had tried to do earlier.
Taylor: Two days later, I get my first voice message from him.
Jaena: It took him two days? He must have been doing some hard ruminating over that incident. Before we start exposing his messages, I just need to clarify that you never responded or engaged with him?
Taylor: Absolutely not. We left for home after Don served him.
Jaena: Good! One thing we should never do is engage with them. And now I’d like to give you the opportunity – if you wish – to act as our reality translator. Because we are about to embark into heavy gaslighting territory.
Exposing His Messages Part 1
Abusive Ex: This is [name withheld]. We’ve got quite a few things to talk about. I don’t think you’ve gotten my ignoring you’re reaching out.
Taylor: Which is it – do we need to talk or are you ignoring me. Because it can’t be both. These sort of statements within a relationship leave the abused partner never knowing what the “right” answer is, because there is none.
Abusive Ex: Because I find that quite rude and aggressive.
Taylor: This is projection. There is nothing rude or aggressive serving divorce papers following the legal process after attempting to do so by asking. He is, however, being both rude and aggressive demanding that I speak to him but also ignore him, leaving minute long VM on my phone with vague accusations, etc.
Abusive Ex: We’re not in a good place. Now, I’m calling because a Don ** just came by a few days ago. And I’m sitting here trying to figure out who this guy was.
Taylor: He didn’t need to figure anything out. Don identified himself repeatedly when asked. That’s how he knows his name for this call. He also met Don a few weeks prior when we were there asking him to sign the divorce papers so I wouldn’t need to serve them.
Abusive Ex: Because it was funny, turns out it’s your fiancé.
Taylor: We were dating, but not engaged. After the shitshow that was my marriage, I don’t think I’ll ever get married again.
“…not identifying himself or saying who he is…”
Abusive Ex: Now I’d like to know what the fuck this guy’s doing showing up at my door and not identifying himself or saying who he is.
Taylor: Again, he did say who he was. This is repeating the lie to make it more believable. It is an effective technique to gaslight someone – keep repeating the lie until they doubt their own memory of events and believe it.
Abusive Ex: And more, I don’t fucking wanna see this guy or his face.
Taylor: No problem. It wasn’t a social visit. It was to finalize my divorce 7 years after the initial split and 4 years after the financial piece was over. It’s why the papers are being served – I don’t want to see you or your face either.
Abusive Ex: This is going a little too far. Little too far having this guy show up at my house and not identify himself.
Taylor: Again, repeating the lie to make it the new reality, despite reality.
“I’ve had quite enough abuse from you.”
Abusive Ex: I don’t know if you call this harassment or slander or what the game is.
Taylor: Claiming victimhood and making accusations of abuse, despite this simply being the normal legal process to move a divorce forward when one party refuses to sign. Rather than acknowledging that his own actions – refusing to sign the divorce papers 7 years after separation – are what led to the serving process being necessary, he is trying to make it out that he is abused and the victim instead of the perpetrator. Projection by accusing me of playing games when this is just a normal legal process, but because Cluster Bs are always playing games and manipulating, they assume others must be doing the same.
Abusive Ex: But I am not happy with this. I’ve had quite enough abuse from you.
Taylor: Going from insinuating he is being abused to making the outright claim. He sees abuse as him not getting what he wants – to maintain “ownership” of me through marriage.
The Last Step in Canadian Divorce Procedures
Jaena: You’re already back home on your farm by the time you get his voice message?
Taylor: Yeah, with a farm, it’s hard to get away.
Jaena: I can only imagine. So, now that your abuser has been served the divorce papers, what’s next in this process?
Taylor: The person served now has 30 days to contest the papers. In this case, (ex) could have gone to the courts, stated he didn’t agree and filed his disagreement. This would have forced us to go to court. However, I would have won as there were zero grounds that he could say we were still together, except religious ones or the fact that he thinks I am his property lol. Once the 30 days has gone by and the court hasn’t received a response from the defending person, they send an email saying that the person who served “won” based on the other person not replying.
The 30 days since serving had gone by on Nov 29. The courts had notified me that it was finalized and would take effect 30 days after that but could no longer be contested. (Ex) did not like that. So, in short, he left the 3 messages bitching about the visit when he was served because he was now unable to do anything about it and had been notified as much.
Part 2: Exposing the Messages He Left Her in a Single Day
Taylor: Even though it sounds like something occurred between each message, they were actually all left a few minutes apart with no response from me regarding them.
Jaena: One major tell that we are dealing with someone in a narcissistic rage or a borderline in a splitting episode – both equally dangerous – is their rapid series of angry texts or voice messages without any involvement from their target. So, it looks like they are having a conversation with themselves.
While exposing his messages, would you like to act as our reality translator again?
Taylor: Sure!
Exposing the Messages (1 of 3)
Abusive Ex: Hi Taylor {LAST NAME WITHHELD}. This is {FIRST AND LAST NAME WITHHELD}.
Taylor: This was a bizarre way of starting the message. I am not sure what his goal was, but I found it very entertaining. One of the things that happens once you don’t give them your power anymore is you realize how weird, pathetic and weak they are.
Abusive Ex: I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for a while. Apparently you’re trying to get ahold of me.
Taylor: I was not attempting to get ahold of him. His girlfriend had reached out to me, so I notified her that the divorce was finalized. This was petty on my end, but I also was done with allowing him to lie about what was going on. It was a simple text to her saying “(Ex) and I received the email from the court that the divorce is complete. I know he doesn’t check his email often, so I just wanted to be sure everyone was aware.”
Abusive Ex: So, I don’t know what’s happening. I’ve called this number many times. I’ll just keep trying until I get through and if not, I guess I’ll try dropping by sometime.
Taylor: This was a threat that would cause me to panic in the past, back when he still had control over me. The idea that he would just show up. It was an idle threat, as he is too lazy to make that long a drive. But in the past, it worked. After healing from the abuse, it just made me giggle at him.
“We have to talk.”
Abusive Ex: So, my number is *. And surely you’re getting these messages. So, just call me back on the phone. We have to talk.
Taylor: Notice all the commands given here, as though he still thinks he has power over me. When we are abused, we actually think we have to obey these commands. We do not. It is sad and pathetic and so is our abuser.
Abusive Ex: You’ve gone out of your way to approach people I know, to drop by, we’re gonna talk.
Taylor: This is incorrect. I visited other mutual friends while I was in the area. However, as is typical of Cluster Bs, he felt that I had no right to see anyone he didn’t want me to see.
Abusive Ex: So, answer your phone or call me.
Taylor: Another command. As though he has power over my decisions and actions. Not anymore!
Exposing the Messages (2 of 3)
Abusive Ex: Hi, it’s me again.
Taylor: Remember – this was sent just minutes after the first one. Cluster Bs will also do this with texts or in face-to-face convos where they are having entire conversations in their mind, getting angrier and you have literally not even responded.
Abusive Ex: I just thought it was important that I put out there too. But uh, this whole Don [last name withheld] coming by and not identifying himself, which is just weird.
Taylor: If Don didn’t identify himself, how does he know his first and last name? Don repeatedly told him his name every time he asked – which was multiple.
Abusive Ex: I don’t know what the game is there.
Taylor: There was no game. This was to serve him the divorce papers per the legal method demanded by the Canadian court system. He was also told this repeatedly by Don while he was there every time he asked Don to say why he was there.
Abusive Ex: So, I assume it’s an act of aggression. It’s very much and I want to be clear that’s how that was taken.
Taylor: They believe that their feelings are facts. Because he is an aggressive and violent man, he assumes those around him are as well. Just the act of showing up, introducing himself, shaking his hand and handing him the divorce papers is viewed as an act of aggression. Don was not aggressive and in fact used many de-escalation techniques to ensure that the ex didn’t become violent.
Jaena says Pause for a Second
Jaena: As we are exposing his messages, I feel a need to ask a rhetorical question. He is bringing up that one-time incident that happened 30 days ago and talking about it as though it’s just happened?
Taylor: Yes.
Jaena: And now he is building a distorted version of what actually happened?
Taylor: Correct.
Jaena: No wonder you’re so amused! I sure am. To our readers, grab your popcorn because as we return to exposing these messages, it’s going to get more comical.
We now return to message (2 of 3) of this episode of exposing his messages!
Abusive Ex: That it was made clear to you that I didn’t want to talk to you in person, you sent your new little boyfriend over to do what? To confront me physically? [He starts breathing weird here as though trying not to cry.]
Taylor: Again, the purpose was to serve divorce papers SEVEN years after the separation and with a phone call notifying him that I was going to pursue the divorce. None of this is a surprise, none of this is aggressive. None of this is unreasonable, other than the fact that he refused to sign the papers after 7 years and I was forced to serve him.
Abusive Ex: And now the weird part is this game where he doesn’t identify himself.
Taylor: He knows Don’s first and last name – because Don identified himself. I feel silly writing it so many times, but I made the decision to write it every time he repeats the lie, to really highlight how gaslighting works. He keeps repeating the lie in the hopes it sticks. It doesn’t.
Abusive Ex: I don’t think that was the plan. I think when he showed up, you know it turned out he was just a pussy, and he wasn’t really man enough to face me.
Taylor: It went exactly to plan. He knocked on the door, introduced himself (to identify himself), confirmed it was the ex and shook his hand, reached in his coat and pulled out the documents and notified the ex he was served. He then attempted to leave, but the ex demanded he stay to identify himself and why he was there (which he repeated again).
They attempt to lure us in to talk to them by saying things like this
Abusive Ex: But I just want to make sure it’s clear like if he just shows up ever again out of the blue or just having someone else – some guy – for like, this is an extreme act of aggression and a very serious thing to me.
Taylor: No worries. I have no desire to talk or see him again either. And since the divorce is finalized, there is no reason to.
Abusive Ex: And again, the big reason why I wanna talk to you, make sure this is all cleared up, exactly what’s going on, and what the intent of people are.
Taylor: There is no finding an understanding with a Cluster B. They attempt to lure us in to talk to them by saying things like this, but we know that they are unable to hear facts. What they actually mean is they want to tell us that we are wrong, and their delusions are reality. And they will become more and more dysregulated if you don’t agree with their delusions. So…no thanks. Not interested in that.
Exposing the Messages (3 of 3)
Taylor: This last one was about 10 minutes after the second. I am not sure what conversation he had in his head, but he left this really special one last.
Abusive Ex: Okay Taylor, you have shown up at my parents’…
Taylor: Because this is where he lived and he said he would sign. When he didn’t sign, this is where he had to be served. Jesus!
Abusive Ex: you have sent your fiancé to show up at my house, just unannounced…
Taylor: Yes, you don’t normally notify a person that you are coming to serve them.
Abusive Ex: not identifying himself…
Taylor: Yet, he knows his first and last name and also met him when we went up together to have the ex sign before serving him.
Abusive Ex: throwing all these things in my face…
Taylor: I’m not sure what he is referring to. I assume he means the served divorce papers?
Abusive Ex: making all kinds of accusations against me.
Taylor: I’m thinking he means the fact that I openly talk about recovering from Cluster B abuse. If he doesn’t like what is said, maybe he shouldn’t have done it? We are not bad people holding our abusers accountable.
Abusive Ex: I’m really not appreciating any of this.
Taylor: Cool. It’s not actually for you. It is to finalize the divorce. You chose to go this route and not sign. I chose to follow my legal rights.
Abusive Ex: You were asked not to.
Taylor: You don’t get to decide when or if the divorce happens. You not wanting the divorce doesn’t mean it won’t happen because you aren’t the only one involved.
“I’d like you to find you know some evidence here or one person that will speak badly of me or of my mental state…”
Abusive Ex: I’ve asked you not to talk to other people about me and you continue to.
Taylor: I am assuming he means his girlfriend, who is the one that reached out to me. And yes, I did tell her that I would not be reaching out to him as his mental health scared me.
Abusive Ex: Yet you won’t talk to me and instead say to me that you can’t because there’s something wrong with my mental health.
Taylor: Correct, as evidenced by these 3 voice messages left a few minutes apart in response to a divorce being finalized 7 years after we split.
Abusive Ex: I mean, come on. This is unbelievable.
Taylor: Yes, your response to this has been.
Abusive Ex: So, I’d really like to address this. I’d like you to find you know some evidence here or one person that will speak badly of me or of my mental state…
Taylor: Several people, including his girlfriend, told me about his mental health state. His threats of suicide (just suicide theater – guy is still hanging around), tantrums in the street where his parents had to drag him off the road so he didn’t get hit, his appearance when I arrived to ask him to sign, skulking around his parents house where I later learned from his girlfriend he wasn’t supposed to be and he was to remain at his trailer in the back of the property, delusional accusations, etc.
Abusive Ex: or about my abuse.
Taylor: Your girlfriend told me about the covert abuse you were doing to her, although she didn’t recognize it yet. And I don’t need someone else to tell me about my experience, although everyone validated me once I left.
“Now none if this was necessary but you wanna know how I feel?”
Abusive Ex: I’m really sick of it. And I do wanna talk to you because again, you’re showing up at my family…
Taylor: He lived on his parents property, so I went there.
Abusive Ex: and you’re sending your fiancé up randomly…
Taylor: Not random – to serve you divorce papers.
Abusive Ex: and I want to know what’s going on…
Taylor: We are getting divorced and you are being served because you refuse to sign.
Abusive Ex: and when this is gonna stop…
Taylor: Now – the divorce is finalized so I don’t need to serve you again.
Abusive Ex: and what else I can expect.
Taylor: Nothing – we no longer have any ties.
Abusive Ex: Now none of this was necessary…
Taylor: Correct – you could have signed the papers 4 years ago when the financial piece was settled, but you didn’t.
Abusive Ex: but you wanna know how I feel?
Taylor: No. I don’t really care. I spent 13 years worrying more about how you felt than I did, so I am kind of done with that now.
Abusive Ex: I do not agree with this divorce.
Taylor: Cool. You don’t need to. I am not your property, so I get to decide if I stay or go.
(Oh my God, he’s still talking??)
Abusive Ex: It was unreal the games you played during it…
Taylor: Throughout the separation agreement, I agreed to everything he asked and when I didn’t fight him any longer, he would ghost his lawyer for months at a time to hold up the process.
Abusive Ex: and how I got fucked. When I offered you a very small amount of money for what I could have taken…
Taylor: He didn’t offer me money – I took on our full debt, gave him whatever cattle and sheep he wanted, gave him the car without payments, and paid a lump sum cash settlement that he upped at the last minute, and I agreed to to be done with him.
Abusive Ex: Now legally I was not able to follow through like I could. So, that’s why I didn’t like the idea of the documents being signed.
Taylor: I’m not sure what he thought the divorce would change – the financials had been settled 4 years earlier.
Abusive Ex: That’s why I didn’t like you calling me out of the blue and pretending like we’re friends after all these years of slander against me…
Taylor: Being civil is not being friends, but he wouldn’t understand that. As for slander, slander is saying things that didn’t happen. I have spoken on things that did and that I have evidence of, so no slander. He just doesn’t like who he is being exposed.
Abusive Ex: and the way you’ve treated me always.
Taylor: Cluster Bs use a lot of always and never. I’m not sure how he thinks I have always treated him, but I’m sure in his delusional mind, he is a perpetual victim.
“You owe me big time.”
Abusive Ex: This is something else. So no, I am not OK with this divorce being done.
Taylor: You don’t have to be. No one cares how you feel about it and you couldn’t have stopped it at this point.
Abusive Ex: You owe me big time. You owe me for you know, not letting me have access to my home, to my animals, when I legally did…
Taylor: If you legally had access, I couldn’t have kept you from it.
Abusive Ex: and then again this divorce which was ridiculous, completely ridiculous and you got away with murder. I am not settling any of this, I am not forgetting.
Taylor: Cool. Because it is settled.
Abusive Ex: You owe me big time.
Taylor: He clearly believes this, as he has said it twice. I’m not sure what he thinks I owe him, since he got a paid education where I did his homework, he got trips around the world, he had someone who tolerated his violent outbursts, he had someone who worked multiple jobs to pay his drug habits, but I guess he should have got more.
Abusive Ex: And the big thing you owe me is to not be stopping by any of my family members…
Taylor: I never saw his parents, just him. Because I was there to see him at his home.
Abusive Ex: and not to be contacting my current spouse about me…
Taylor: Does it count if she contacts me?
Abusive Ex: and once again I hope this is clear and I’ve had nothing to show that you’ve heard about this or that it’s done. Having men that I don’t know show up at my door OK?
Taylor: I don’t think I will need to serve you again, so I think we’re good.
Taylor’s Parting Words for Us
Jaena: Oh my goodness, exposing these messages with your translations inserted had me laughing out loud. And hopefully, doing so has empowered you even more.
Taylor: When I got those messages, instead of that rush of anxiety and cortisol and all of that shit that I used to get when I’d hear his voice, I just started laughing at how ridiculous everything he said was. How out of line everything he said was and how comedic that he had all of these demands that I not talk to him but to call him immediately. You realize it when you’re not in it anymore. And you realize that you’ve actually healed when you listen to all that and it doesn’t matter. It’s literally just word salad and it doesn’t matter and it has no power and it causes no emotional response other than as if you were watching a funny movie and the bad guy finally got what was coming to him.
Jaena: I must say that after four weeks invested in your and Don’s stories, I’m going to miss having you two on my site. Although it’s a good thing because it means you have no more drama in your lives. You two are proof that a beautiful life is possible after escaping these abusive relationships.
I understand that you have some final words for us.
On Gaslighting and DARVO
Taylor: Abuse to a Cluster B type person is any time they aren’t validated, agreed with, given in to, etc.
Jaena: And yet Quackery, I mean Psychology Today is pushing us to do exactly this. Validate the cluster B, give into them, etc.
Taylor: But it is part of how they control their victims, by constantly flipping the script and claiming they are the ones being abused and you are the abuser.
As a good person, you keep trying to stop hurting your partner, not realizing that the things you were doing were not abusive. They were reasonable. In this case, ensuring that my divorce was finalized 7 years after the separation. If anything, I should have done it sooner.
This behavior is even more effective controlling someone with autism as we often don’t understand social norms and think we must be doing something unreasonable and that is why they are upset. Compounded with the trauma bond, (Trauma Glossary 1) we get very confused and doubt ourselves and think, “Maybe I am being abusive”.
Space and distance help with perspective and I can very comfortably say that there was nothing unreasonable or abusive asking to finalize my divorce 7 years after the separation. There would be nothing unreasonable asking to finalize it 1 year after separation. Space and distance will lift you out of the F.O.G. (Trauma Glossary 2) and if you learn, you will stay clear of these people in the future.