The holiday season and other special occasions are for celebrating togetherness with family and loved ones. That’s why survivors of toxic parents and/or partners tend to feel holiday blues instead of holiday joy. There’s no one to celebrate.
Some had to go no contact with their parents for very good reasons. Then they were forced to go no contact with other family members purely because they revealed themselves as flying monkeys (Trauma Glossary 1). Others are still in contact with their toxic parents and are dreading the holiday season because it’s synonymous with obligation instead of true family togetherness. Some have left their abusive partner and are now struggling with getting to know who they are as an individual separate from their abuse. Others have not yet broken free and are dreading the season because it means yet another holiday of walking on eggshells.
And so, with nowhere else to go to unburden their pain, they turn to their online community. Those private support groups for those who understand because they too are struggling for the same reasons. This quiet exchange of pain helps bring relief to the sadness. The internet has been instrumental in making such support groups possible. Because life in the “3D world” (off the internet) can be lonely for the trauma survivor.
If you are the founder, co-admin, or moderator of one of these types of groups, thank you for your service to the community of trauma survivors. Now, what if I were to tell you that there are ways you can do even more than just provide an outlet for their pain?
More Than a Support Group – It’s a Festive Holiday Community
With just a little creativity and imagination, you can create true family-like togetherness for the holiday season in your very own support group. Let them keep unburdening their pain but give them an infusion of the very thing they’re lacking – joy! I’ve been running a support group on Facebook since 2018 and these are tried and true methods for putting smiles on the faces of your group members and making them feel like someone out there loves and cares about them so much that they are determined to bring joy in some way during the holiday season. But then again, that’s what my group has been about since its inception. We identify problems and then we explore, What can we do about it?
From inside the space of your group to special events you can host on Zoom, here’s what you can do.
Within the Group
Share Recipes and Holiday Traditions!
Nothing brings us closer together than food because everyone has to eat. Encourage your group members to share what they’re cooking for the holidays and the recipes. Take it from me. It tends to inspire at least one group member to try it.
Do you know what else we tend to love? Learning about other people’s cultures. The best part about having an online support group is that you get members from all over the world. Each country has their own tradition as per how they celebrate the holidays. So, encourage them to share how they celebrate the holidays. I guarantee you that others will be fascinated and eager to learn more. And what happens to the sad heart when it’s learning something new from a kind person they are engaging with? The sadness feels less overwhelming.
Games
BPD and NPD bingo cards are a huge hit for those of whom are still in contact with their toxic parents or partners. It provides comic relief as they navigate the dreaded obligation of dealing with that narcissist or borderline who insists on stirring up drama at every turn. When that narcissist or borderline does something pertaining to the bingo card, they get to mark that space on the card, just like the classic game.
Someone started a game last year in my group playing on the 12 Days of Christmas song. Except in their post it was the 12 Days of Cluster B Christmas. They started the post with the first day and added something like “one explosive temper tantrum”. Then our challenge was to build on it with the second day, then the third day, and so on. We got all the way up to 25 days though, way beyond the traditional song. But it was perfect gallows humor for the holiday season and the hilarious banter brought us even closer.
Holiday Heckler Memes
Because it’s still a support group, reward anyone who shares their story or processes their trauma in your group during the holiday season with a little bonus. Choose any picture out there on the web of two people (or even cartoons) having a conversation. Then add thought bubbles to the two people. “Holiday Hecklers” refers to heckling the group member’s abuser and validating the group member in some way. Trust me, that one little meme that you create and share for them not only makes them chuckle but it warms their heart at the same time.
Here’s an example. A couple years back, I had a group member who was processing her hurt over her aunt who was acting like a flying monkey. Being the history nerd that I am, I chose the painting of the Constitutional Convention, where you can clearly see Alexander Hamilton and Benjamin Franklin sitting next to each other and Hamilton is saying something to Franklin. So, I made Hamilton say to Franklin, “Can you believe (deleted name’s) aunt is too stupid to see that she’s unworthy of even speaking to (deleted name)?” Franklin’s response was, “It’s a shame that tarring and feathering the little flying monkey bastards has gone out of fashion.”
Surprise Them with a Free Playlist
I once asked my group members to share their favorite music that helped them cope while living in trauma and what songs do they lean into most while healing from it. Then I reminded them that all music was welcome. I got well over fifty songs by the time that thread was exhausted. Then I built the playlist on YouTube as per everyone’s songs and posted the link to our collective playlist. Their response was overwhelmingly beautiful and I admit it brought a tear to my eye. Trust me, music is food for our soul and our emotions.
Create a Christmas Tree for the Group and Get Them to Help Decorate it!
If you’re savvy with digital creations, go for it! I am not and that’s why mine is a hands-on creation but more on that later. Once your tree is created, encourage your group members to help decorate the tree. If they can share a picture of whatever it is in your group, it gets added to the tree. Anything goes, from personal artwork, pictures of their fur babies, or a meaningful scene that they captured. They also get to specify the size they want for their decoration. Is it a big, medium, or small decoration? Also, is their decoration a “set”? (Because some decorations come as a set instead of individual decorations.) If it’s a set, then how many? In other words, how many duplicates do they want of this picture on the tree? And let them know that they may add as many decorations as wish!
If you decide to turn your support group’s tree into an annual tradition, I recommend storing this year’s pictures into your device. Because you can use them the following year – just one each of the old decorations (duplicate decorations are for current year only) – to start the decoration of the new tree. Put the old decorations along the bottom of the tree and that way all the new decorations have room towards the top of the tree. Not only will it give your newer members ideas for their decorations but you’re building something else that’s even more special. Just like loving families, you’re building a history with your Christmas tree, since every decoration tends to have a story anyway.
Examples
Here is my TikTok explaining the history behind our past decorations before I cut them and stuck them to the tree.
And here is my TikTok after I added our decorations from the past two years along the bottom of the tree. See how much room we have on this year’s tree?
The weekend following Thanksgiving is when I do a live video exclusively for my support group so that they can watch me put the tree together. I make mine out of 9 green poster boards and 9 brown cardstock or construction paper (for the trunk). Just in case you want to know how to put something like this together, I created six diagrams with step-by-step instructions (here).
New Year’s Reflections
Did you know that it’s better for us to practice New Year’s reflections instead of resolutions? That’s because we tend to set the bar impossibly high for ourselves when we make resolutions for the year. Then when we don’t meet our unreasonable expectations, discouragement sets in and our confidence is even worse off than before.
Start a thread that encourages your group members to find at least one thing they are proud of. Then be sure and pour into them with positive feedback so that their pride feels seen. This will go so much further in building their confidence as they look ahead to the new year than making New Year’s resolutions.
Parties on Zoom
The great thing about Zoom is that it’s free and you can send a link invite for members only. How cool is that?
Watch a Movie Together
This is our most popular event. With Zoom’s share screen option and chat box, your group members get to experience a movie and chat along with each other via text. There are lots of free movies on YouTube you can choose from albeit with commercials. Just make sure that if any group members outside the U.S. are interested in this one that you check with them and make sure they will be able to watch it. What’s readily available to us might have restrictions in other countries.
Last year we had three movie nights but I must say the best movie experience was the day we watched (this one) together. Hats off to Christmas Vibes on YouTube for not only stitching together Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, and Little Drummer Boy in a single video but it was commercial free too! I couldn’t resist giving my group members advance notice before we watched this one. I said something like “Grab your sweets and your hot cocoa because we’re bringing our inner child along for this one.” But the best part was the reactions from two members in particular – one lives in Poland and the other lives in India – who had not grown up watching these Christmas classics. And so, they were watching them for the first time.
Virtual “Restaurant”
Everyone has their meal ready at whatever agreed upon time. Then once the Zoom meeting starts, it’s like you all met up at a restaurant. Talk and laugh together while you eat and compare dishes. Did you cook your own meal or did you order Door Dash? If you have the time to spare, you can of course turn it into a dinner and movie night.
Gingerbread Houses
What’s a holiday season without building gingerbread houses together? Tell those interested to pick up a gingerbread house kit and then meet up on Zoom so that you can all start putting them together. Those who are seasoned in gingerbread houses can help coach the first-timers. Some will create gingerbread beauties while others might create disasters. Be sure and applaud the beauties and laugh with (not at) those whose houses crumble and break. Remind them that it’s about having fun, community involvement, and most importantly, lots of laughter.
Crafting Parties
Calling all artists and creative minds in your support group! Ask them for their own crafting ideas. Is there something that they are good at and want to involve others or teach them how to do what they can do? Build a Zoom event based on their suggestion. In the past, we have had a beginner crochet class, painting, embroidery, and resin pour classes. This year we are doing a paper ornament crafting party as per a group member’s suggestion. So, as you can see crafting parties have limitless possibilities and it’s a wonderful opportunity for people to share and teach their talents.
Other Special Occasions Outside the Holiday Season
Valentine’s Day tends to be painful for survivors of abusive partners. Some things that are helpful for those types of blues is turning Valentine’s Day into a Self-Love event. Challenge your group members to practice self-care and share what they are doing for themselves. You can of course turn a self-care activity into a Zoom party where you all work on a self-care activity together. It’s a reminder that love has many more forms than just romantic. Love is also friendship and a supportive community.
Mother’s Day and/or Father’s Day tend to be painful for adult survivors of cluster B parents. Something helpful is challenging them to create an honest card for the mother or father that failed as a parent. Do NOT send the card to the toxic parent. It’s for the trauma survivor, not for the abusive parent. Or they can create a card honoring someone special outside their home that served as a positive role model. Zoom parties are another option and can serve as a reminder that true family does not have to share DNA with us.