How to Spot a Child Who is Living in an Adverse Home

Mainstream media would have us believe that those who act out are the only ones living in an adverse home. Thanks to the so-called “trained professionals” throwing around the over-generalization that “Hurt people hurt people,” we have only one clue. This is not to say that children who act out are not living in an adverse home. What I am saying is that there are many children living in abusive homes who do not act out. They are the ones who are going unnoticed all because they are the hurt people who are not hurting people. No child who is living in an adverse home should fall through the cracks just because they don’t display delinquent behavior.

What’s even more interesting is how this clue is opposite of the one the so-called “trained professionals” are touting. (The hurt people hurt people lie.) It’s probably because they are the very same ones promoting another phrase: “the so-called ‘personality disorders.‘” It seems to me that we have found an obvious connection between two equally incorrect statements here. These so-called “trained professionals” have spent too much time with their beloved cluster B disorders (Trauma Glossary 1) and not enough with their victims.

If you are reading this article, either 1) you came from an adverse home or 2) you are among those who care and you want to understand more. If you’re the former, I welcome you to add any clue I may have overlooked in the comments. And if you’re the latter, I cannot thank you enough. Whoever the child is that you’re concerned about, I hope this article helps you help that child, however limited your capacity may be, thanks to our joke of a legal system.

Social Paradoxes of a Child Who is Living in an Adverse Home

The members of my group are survivors of adverse childhood homes. All of whom were raised by cluster B disordered parents. So, I asked them what clues can help outsiders see that there’s a world of chaos a child is living in. And here are our results.

1. Unusually Well-behaved for Their Age

Talk about the most popular response I got! The child who can be counted on to never give the adults any trouble is a relief to anyone, especially if they have a slew of other children in their care. However, when considerate, obedient, and polite are all you can think of when describing the child’s personality, it might be a red flag. Children have high energy and they tend to get overstimulated. This makes them loud, rambunctious, and yes, naughty at times. But they develop by learning there are consequences. That’s why the unusually well-behaved child is a clue that they have experienced severe consequences for minor misdeeds. Just ask a few of my group members:

“Omg I was going to scream ‘super well behaved’ as soon as you asked the question! I was definitely eager to please, volunteered for anything and everything, wanted to be at school late or on the weekends.”

“I become very shy and withdrawn, hyper-vigilant, and eager to please. At least: that’s what happened with me, and as long as I was not creating any problems at school, the school staff had little incentive to try to correct things for me at home.”

A note: Hyper-vigilant is in Trauma Glossary 2.

2. Socially Awkward

That weird kid who doesn’t quite mesh with kids their age. It’s a strange paradox, indeed for a child who seems so mature for their age around adults. How is it that kids their own age think they are immature? Children in nurturing homes get to explore what interests them. Then they mature as the novelty of the old interest wears off (such as playing with toys) and they are free to develop a new interest. Not so for the child who is living in an adverse home. Parental needs take priority over child needs, which forces the child to assume the adult role early. That’s how they’re able to impress adults with their maturity, while being a step or two behind kids their own age.

“I absolutely had no idea how to play. I learned naturally at 36 by imitating my toddler and seeing what he thinks is funny. My sense of humor was much older, too. If I wasn’t playing a game or sport, I didn’t get it and felt uncomfortable. I always felt super awkward hanging out with peers because I also felt less than.” 

“I grew up in the 80’s when riding bikes was everything but I was the last kid who learned how to ride without training wheels (9 years old). In the 6th grade, I learned the hard way that everyone was into clothes when someone asked me what I got for Christmas. I bragged about my new toys and the kids all made fun of me. I mostly hung out with kids a year or two younger than me. We just connected better.”

Emotional Paradoxes of a Child Who is Living in an Adverse Home

3. Unfazed by Parents’ Verbal Abuse

Have you ever been shocked by a parent’s outburst at their child, only to realize the child reacted with complete indifference? That’s because you are witnessing the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on behind closed doors. Verbal abuse happens so often, that the child no longer reacts to it. Chances are, they have more escalating types of abuses to worry about at home.

“My borderline mother attacked my character so often, it never even registered that she would often insult me in public. But when I came out to my relatives about all the abuse I suffered in my childhood, that’s what they led with. ‘She always talked horribly to you and she never had anything nice to say about you.'”

4. Highly Sensitive to Minor Reactions Outside Home

When a child feels unloved at home, they look outward for emotional nourishment. So, any minor “trouble” they get into cuts deeply and they react as though their heart has been broken. It isn’t uncommon for them to adopt a “favorite adult.” The favorite adult is the one who makes them feel safest and loved. From the outside looking in, the favorite adult might wonder why they’re unfazed when their parents scold them. And yet, they have a meltdown if they’re gently corrected by their favorite adult.

“If I got in trouble even once over something tiny, I felt like the teacher didn’t like me anymore and it took a while for me to feel and act the same again.”

“My grandmother was my favorite adult when I was a little kid. I guess I didn’t understand how she could always be sweet, nurturing, etc.. So, if she even shifted her tone of voice with me, I started crying. I was scared she wouldn’t love me anymore, and then my whole world would collapse.”

Other Clues for Spotting a Child Who is Living in an Adverse Home

5. Chronic Daydreaming

That kid who is always zoning out in class and when the teacher calls on them, they look lost and confused. The classroom erupts in laughter because this kid has no idea what’s been discussed the whole time. Children of adverse homes are unable to fight back or run away. So, they cope via the only tool left: dissociation (Trauma Glossary 2). They escape inside their heads. The problem with dissociation is one, it’s habit forming and two, their brains develop into doing this on autopilot. In other words, it starts to happen without the child having any control over it. This happened to me my 7th grade year, which I shared towards the end of my article on Transference.

“Sports were more humiliating than the classroom. I’ll never forget that time in softball when the ball rolled right past me and everyone had to yell my name to yank me out of…wherever my mind was. By the time I ran and got the ball, the other team scored a homerun.”

“I daydreamed constantly. To the extent my family made fun of me. They’d say ‘Earth to Lori!’ Or call me a ‘Space cadet’ or a ‘Ditz’. I grew up seriously believing I had a learning deficit because of it.”

6. In Their “Shell”

Children of adverse homes hunger for acceptance. They don’t understand what makes them appear socially awkward, or why their minds keep dissociating on autopilot. This only “confirms” their parents’ daily insults of them. It’s why they are plagued by self-doubt and foresee more uncomfortable moments than validation if they speak up.

“I was so scared of looking stupid, I never asked any questions. It seemed I was always saying or doing something weird, and I didn’t know why. So, I pretended I understood everything the first time, even when I didn’t.”

“I remember once, my best friend and I stopped at her friend’s house. She asked if she could have a glass of water and her friend said sure. She asked if I was thirsty too. I said yes. Then both girls said that I was too quiet and asked me why I didn’t ask for some water too. Because I didn’t know it was okay to ask.”

There is so much “missing information” in their programming because they aren’t allowed to develop the way children from loving homes are. See also Developmental Arrest in Trauma Glossary 2.