Narcissistic Personality Disorder Part 1: The 9 Criteria

Today and for the next four weeks I want to do a series on each cluster B personality disorder. My argument has been that we need to move away from calling it narcissistic abuse and move towards calling it cluster B abuse. If we only settle on one dangerous personality disorder, we forget about the other dangerous people and their red flags. So, picking up from last week when we talked about the ten traits all cluster B disorders have (here) today we are focusing on narcissistic personality disorder – the most infamous of all cluster B disorders. The Internet has exploded raising awareness on these people like a public service warning.

To those raising awareness on narcissistic abuse, I applaud you because narcissists are dangerous people. However my problem is with pop psychology. I mean really how many different types of narcissists are we up to now? 7? 8? 9? 10? What they’re really doing is one of three things:

 

1. 1. They’re describing one of the other cluster Bs and rebranding them as a narcissist.
   2. They’re describing a narcissist that’s comorbid with another personality disorder and not bothering to tell us because like I said last week, the most rare personality disorder is the one who only has one disorder.
   3. Most likely they’re describing the niching down narcissist. That’s the narcissist that has found one specific area in their life to get their narcissistic supply. For example: the spiritual or the cerebral narcissist. But we will get more into the different types on a simplified level after we read the criteria.

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Don’t Panic Warning!

I must state this. “Back in my days, sonny” – which was the early 00’s when I first started learning about narcissistic personality disorder – all the information out there came with don’t panic warnings. That’s what we got and it was for very good reasons. First of all, every one is going to have some form of the traits present. We have to have a certain amount of healthy narcissism to get ahead. If you don’t have any ounce of narcissism – and healthy narcissism, not the personality disorders, so don’t get it twisted – if you don’t have it, you’re going to be a doormat. And that’s the reality. It does not make you a narcissist and that’s why we had these don’t panic warnings. Because narcissistic personality disorder is going to be on an extreme level and they have to meet at least five of the 9 criteria.

And remember: there is hope for anyone who is willing to practice personal accountability and self-awareness. However, no personal accountability, no self-awareness, there is no hope. Now for the narcissist. Just like all the cluster B disorders, they are going to great lengths to dodge any form of accountability because they don’t want to look at themselves. That’s why they’re outer blaming all the time. For the narcissist, think the keyword: fantasy image. They are living in a fantasy image – not the real image – because the narcissist doesn’t want to look at themselves. They’re clinging to this fantasy image like a life raft and once we understand that basic concept, the rest of the criteria will make sense.

Note: The following terms mentioned in this article that can be found in Trauma Glossary 1 (here)

 

• • Cluster B Personality Disorders

• • Narcissistic Rage

• • Object Permanence (Lack of)

• • Word Salad

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Criteria

Criteria 1: Excessive need for admiration.

All the cluster Bs have an excessive need for something specific from other people but that need will never be fulfilled because they’re like junkies for it. It’s a bottomless pit and no one person has enough energy to please them. So, for the narcissist they have a need for excessive admiration and today we know that as narcissistic supply. That’s one of the criteria for them, that admiration.

We all need some level of narcissistic supply, right? Positive feedback is key to our confidence and self esteem; being assured that we did something good and to keep going. However, too much flattery, too much narcissistic supply, we’re going to get uncomfortable. It’s going to turn into a cringe moment like: “OK yeah, that’s enough. Thanks I got the point. Let’s move on.” However with narcissists, they’re junkies for this narcissistic supply and that’s why that excessive need will never be fulfilled.

Criteria 2: Exaggerates self-importance in a grandiose manner; exaggerates achievements, and wants to be
recognized as special.

So, here we see how the narcissists love compliments – even when they’re completely undeserved because here again, they’re living in the fantasy image. Therefore it’s a fantasy world and so, they will exaggerate, they will talk about something they have done and then they will spin it into something amazing. But as soon as you do a little fact checking, it’s a little (disappointing sound) kind of moment.

Criteria 3: Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, or ideal love.

And here is where those who are ambitious might go, “Uh-oh, I fantasize about meeting my goals or getting an award for doing something great, or getting that promotion and everyone is admiring me for all the hard work that brought me to this moment.”

I guarantee you it is not the same way it is for the narcissist. There might be others out there who are looking for love and they get this idealized vision of the kind of partner they want. But here again for the narcissist, the ideal love they’re looking for is admiration, that ultimate narcissistic supply that will make them feel permanently amazing. That’s what criteria 3 is all about. So, rest easy. You are not a narcissist because you’re ambitious or you’re looking for that perfect love out there.

Criteria 4: Believes only special or high status individuals can understand his or her unique thoughts talents and problems; is critical of others, looking down on those they deem unimportant.

I want to pause right here and give you an example – a variant of what this criteria means because it can sound confusing. It implies that the narcissist believes that only celebrities or someone like Einstein would understand them. That is not entirely accurate – not to say that there aren’t narcissists out there who believe that only celebrities or Einsteins would understand them, but the more common example is how they temporarily idealize their narcissistic supply or even trick the supply person into believing they are special for understanding them.

Understanding this criteria through my first experience with a narcissist at age 17

I have my own experience and in fact, it took putting the material together for this article when it occurred to me that my first interaction with a narcissist was at age 17. I was working in a fast food restaurant at the time, and you’ll see how this one little criteria played out through what he did.

So, we got a new manager in the store. The other managers didn’t like him just because of his arrogance, overconfidence, and believing that he was the solution to all these imaginary problems that were going on at the restaurant. Now check this out! His opening comment to me the very day we met was, “You’ll either love me or hate me. There’s no in-between.” And it affected me because I picked up on the emotional cues, the tone. He didn’t have to say that only good, compliant, useful people will love him and that only useless, bad people will hate him. He didn’t have to say that. It was like I received that unspoken message right away, and let me tell you something. My back straightened immediately and I couldn’t wait to prove that I was a good employee, I was useful and all of these things.

Hindsight is 20/20. He knew that I was absolutely positively starved for a parental figure in my life. He supplied that for me but in exchange, what was I doing for him? I was giving him narcissistic supply simply by being good and compliant. We had this great friendship at work. I would talk to him about my boyfriend problems and he was like a big brother-meets-father figure for me. It was great! But later on, his criminal behavior was revealed.

The hidden danger behind this one criteria

While he was treating me like his sweet and innocent golden child, he was targeting another young girl who worked there in a sexual manner. He took advantage of her by threatening her job unless she gave him what he wanted. When she finally told her parents, criminal charges were filed against him. I remember hearing the news and thinking, “No way! He’s so nice to me. He’s my big brother-meets-father figure. This can’t be true!” Except for it was, and then I remember shaking my head and thinking, “Wow, you think you know someone…” and then I just never thought of it again until now. Because now it’s occurred to me, my God, that man was a narcissist!

It just shows you the hidden danger behind this one criteria. It also shows you how narcissists can be so nice to some people while showing another side entirely to someone else. And it can happen where they target only one person while appearing to be good people to others. All the while, that one person who’s being targeted is going to feel so isolated and alone.

Criteria 5: Has an air of entitlement with unreasonable expectations for special treatment.

Here again, we have the excessive need for admiration with unrealistic expectations for having these needs met. Because they’re junkies for narcissistic supply and it’s a bottomless pit that will never be fulfilled.

Criteria 6: Takes advantage of others in an exploitative manner.

Just like that manager I described when I was 17. That other girl was targeted in a very exploitative manner.

Criteria 7: Is unable or unwilling to relate to the needs and feelings of others; has insufficient empathy.

Note here that it does not say they have no empathy. Narcissists actually have cognitive empathy. They do understand the feelings and needs of others and they’re observant about it. They know what they can do to take advantage of others to get the narcissistic supply from someone else. And hey, going back to the story about that manager back in the day – how swiftly he read into me that I was starved for a father figure! He supplied that and I supplied my loyalty and admiration and willingness to work hard for him. It goes back to that fantasy image and that excessive need for admiration. All of the criteria revolves around that.

Criteria 8: Envies others or believes they envy him or her.

Here again, we can use that manager as an example. What do you think he was implying when he said so confidently, “People either love me or they hate me, There’s no in-between”? That’s one of those outer-manifestations where he didn’t come right out and say “They’re jealous because I’m this amazing manager who’s going to make all these great changes in the store” but it was implied by his unspoken emotional language, his body language, and the assertive confidence in his tone. So, that’s just some of the little variants that can come out, because they won’t always say “I’m amazing”. They won’t always say, “Everyone’s jealous of me”, etcetera.

Criteria 9: Is arrogant or haughty; maintains an egotistical attitude; believes others can’t do as well as they do.

How many boxes were checked just from the tiny little snippet of a story I shared with you about that manager? It’s mind blowing, isn’t it? And how extraordinary that it never clicked for me until I started putting together this material on narcissistic personality disorder.

NPD within the Cluster B Continuum

So, now that we understand the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, compare it to the cluster B continuum that we covered last week on the 10 traits (here). Where the narcissist is concerned, we only need to scrutinize two of them.

Poor Impulse Control

Comparatively speaking – and I’m only saying that compared to the other cluster B disorders – because the narcissist is so image conscious, they’re going to be the most held together of the other cluster B disorders. Does that mean they are held together all the time? Oh God no! Otherwise there would be no such term as narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage is terrifying and it can in some cases even be deadly. What I mean is – and I’ve heard this from others who were raised by or experienced abuse by a narcissist who have encountered another cluster B who is not a narcissist. You know what their number one tell is that they’re dealing with another cluster B but not a narcissist? Time and time again they say, “Well they can’t be a narcissist because they can’t hold themselves together like a narcissist does”.

Lack of Object Permanence

When we talked about the scale from cheating to stalking, the narcissist is more inclined to cheat. And not all narcissists, but an overwhelming number of them actually do. The cheating is because of that constant hunger for narcissistic supply. No one person can satisfy that hunger for their narcissistic supply, and they more inclined to get their supply from those with a low self-esteem.

Why the narcissist targets those with low self-esteem

Think about how the narcissist is because they tend to be image conscious. I have to keep drilling that in. They’ve got this fantasy image that they’re living in. So, they’re going to look very presentable in public. They tend to be good-looking, charismatic, charming, and think about how someone with confidence and self-esteem is going to respond to a person like that who approaches them. And just say that this person with high confidence and high self-esteem knows absolutely nothing about narcissistic personality disorder – or how charm, charisma, and a pretty face tends to be a 1-2-3 punch of red flags that you might be dealing with a narcissist. Well someone with good self-esteem is going to enjoy their company but they’re not going to think in terms of unworthiness.

Now think about it from the perspective of someone with low self-esteem or no sense of self-worth. They’re going to feel like, “Oh my God, I can’t believe a person like this is giving a person like me the time of day.” You don’t have to say it. The narcissist is going to read it because they have cognitive empathy. They understand what you’re thinking and feeling through your posture, facial expressions, and mannerisms. They get it. They’re hunting for this type of supply and that’s exactly the kind of admiration they’re looking for. People with low self-esteem tend to feel honored just to be in their presence – and that’s how the narcissistic supply is fed.

The Narcissist Who is Always “Single”

Another common thing that narcissists do is, they’re always conveniently single for years. It’s weird, isn’t it? They’re so good-looking and charming and funny and all of that – and yet they are always single. Well they’re getting their supply. They’re just not ever letting everyone know about it because they want more supply. If they’re in a relationship and everyone knows, well then the narcissistic supply train might dry up. So, they want to always look like they’re single.

When they’re in a relationship with someone who’s giving them their narcissistic supply, they’re going to come up with all kinds of excuses as per why they haven’t changed their relationship status. It goes something like this. “Well you know it’s bad luck, it always ends whenever I change my relationship status,” or “I don’t tell people ever that I have a girlfriend or boyfriend in case it doesn’t work out.” And so, you’re left inside this commitment limbo with a narcissist because they’ve got to keep those options open at all times for more and more narcissistic supply.

The Narcissist Who Does Commit

And just to give you some variants here, not all narcissists will always keep their relationship status as single. Some of them will marry or even go public with their relationship but even then, it isn’t because they fell in love with their partner. It’s because they are looking good by association with the partner. The partner is either extremely successful or extremely good looking. There is something there that makes the narcissist feel like their image is being elevated simply because this partner is in their life.

And see, here we are again at the “only special people can understand them” part of the criteria. They are coveting what the partner has and the catch-22 is that jealousy that comes into play. They need their partner to give them that narcissistic supply – that never-ending, “You are so much greater than I will ever be” language. So, while the narcissist is coveting whatever it is that the partner has, they’re going to start tearing down the partner. They tear them down because the partner is not allowed to be more than the narcissist. They want their partner to feel inferior so that their partner will make the narcissist feel superior. The whole “You’re inferior while I’m superior” game is an ongoing one with the narcissist. That’s because of their altered reality with their fantasy image.

Narcissistic Niching

Now let’s talk about the different manifestations of narcissists as the pure personality disorder. Narcissists – like I said in the beginning – they will niche down. They found a specific niche to feed their narcissistic supply, such as the spiritual narcissist and the cerebral narcissist, which we hear the most about today. They’re just pure narcissists who have simply found a niche for where they feel “amazing” and where they can feed off vulnerable people to get that narcissistic supply.

The Spiritual Narcissist

So, the spiritual narcissist will be attracted to becoming a new age charlatan or even joining the church. It’s a means of them sounding superior with their beliefs and their spirituality while you – “You little peasant!” – will never be saved unless you agree with everything the narcissist is saying. Praise their almighty backside for their wisdom and their guidance for being the most deeply spiritual person of all time.

What’s coming out of their mouth is not love. It’s like they know the scriptures but they lack compassion and that’s one of the ways of spotting them. They’re self-righteous hypocrites. (All the cluster Bs are hypocrites.) Where the spiritual narcissist is concerned, they simply found this niche in spiritual beliefs to use it as a means of virtue signaling and victim blaming. “Everyone else, look at me look at me and my perfect morals. I am so much better than you and if you disagree, shame on you. May God forgive you!” – and all of that word salad nonsense.

The Cerebral Narcissist

Now for the cerebral narcissist. They’re going lead with their knowledge. It’s all about what they know and it makes them superior to all us slow thinking little peasants. AKA: “I am so much smarter than you and by the way you aren’t very bright.” Remember, they don’t ever have to say those exact words. It’s all in how they make you feel when they are delivering their superiority. When asking a question or debating their knowledge, they’re going to at least imply, “I know so much more than you”. It all goes back to how they exaggerate their achievements and accomplishments.

Other Examples of the Niched Down Narcissist

Now those were the two most famous of the niching down narcissists. There are multiple niches for narcissists to choose and I believe that’s why we’re seeing so many unnecessary names for different narcissists out there. They meet the criteria and they just found their own niche for getting their narcissistic supply, that’s all. I’ve heard of one narcissist who throws all of their love and care into their lawn their garden. They have the most amazing lawn and garden on the block, and yet there’s no substance outside of that. So, there’s another tell on the niched down narcissist. Anything outside of whatever niche they’re getting their narcissistic supply, it’s like there’s nothing there. No meat and potatoes, no substance, a lackluster.

Another example is from the 2004 movie Napoleon Dynamite. Uncle Rico anyone? Now that’s another niche down narcissist. Uncle Rico was living in the past where he was this talented jock. How many times was he watching videos of himself playing football and bragging about his amazing talent, despite how he couldn’t see that he was passed his prime and so – hey, the NFL isn’t going to be calling him. And before you say, “Well that’s just fiction,” I once dated a guy very much like Uncle Rico. On our first date – I kid you not – he wanted me to watch videos of him playing football. He was 32 years old and wanted me to watch his videos. That was right before I started researching personality disorders. Life does in fact imitate art.

But more on that in Part 2: The Comorbid Narcissist, when we explore what kind of narcissist do you get when they’re comorbid with the other disorders, and how the other cluster Bs compare to the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.