We are back with Part 2 on narcissistic personality disorder. In Part 1 (here) we went through the 9 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and examples of what they mean. We talked about the niching down narcissist who has found a specific area in their life to feed their addiction for narcissistic supply – explaining why there are so many names for various narcissists out there. The spiritual and cerebral narcissist are just a few examples up the niching down narcissist. Now we are going to talk about the kind of narcissist you get when they are comorbid with another personality disorder. Because like I said, the most rare personality disorder is the one who only has one disorder.
Too busy to read the rest of the article? Listen to it on my podcast (here) available on all listening platforms. Or my YouTube channel if you want to see the woman behind this site (here) speaking on the comorbid narcissist.
Note: The following terms that are mentioned in this article can also be found in Trauma Glossary 1.
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- Breadcrumbing
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- Covert Abuse
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- DARVO
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- Hoovering
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- Intermittent Reinforcement
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- Love Bombing
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- Narcissistic Rage
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- Shape Shifting
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- Splitting Episode
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- Trauma Bond
Grandiose (“Pure”) vs. Covert (Comorbid)
First off, let’s introduce the grandiose and the covert narcissist. These two don’t look like they have anything in common, and yet they are both narcissists.
The grandiose is extroverted while the covert is introverted. The grandiose is outwardly self-assured while the covert is the quiet narcissist. Grandiose is full of false bravado while the covert is – big surprise – the coward. The grandiose is offensively entitled while the covert is so nice. The grandiose is the closest you will get to a pure narcissist. In other words, the narcissistic personality disorder that is not comorbid with any of the other disorders – or is it? Meanwhile, the covert does have a comorbidity, and do you know which one it is?
PAPD + NPD = Covert Narcissist
Contrary to popular belief, the covert narcissist is not comorbid with borderline personality disorder. It is actually comorbid with passive-aggressive personality disorder, and that was the disorder that was removed at the publication of DSM 5. Before it became known as the covert narcissist, the DSM 4 had named it the compensatory narcissist.
The reason borderlines are confused for the covert narcissist and vice versa is because there is one type of borderline that is comorbid with the passive-aggressive personality disorder. It’s known as the petulant borderline. So in other words, the passive-aggressive narcissist and the passive-aggressive borderline are going to appear to have similar traits, not because narcissists and borderlines are similar. In fact, the criteria for both are quite different. But it’s because number one, they’re both in the cluster B continuum. So, they’re going to have those ten traits in common with each other. Second, and most importantly, they have the same comorbidity going on with the passive-aggressive personality disorder.
Covert Narcissist & Petulant Borderline
Both a passive-aggressive narcissist, known as the covert and the passive-aggressive borderline, known as the petulant are hypersensitive to criticisms slights and disapproval. Both have deep-seated feelings of ambivalence. With the passive-aggressive narcissist, it’s deep ambivalence towards other people in general. With the passive-aggressive borderline, they have ambivalent feelings of connecting with others versus the fear of losing their independence. Further confounding this is that the passive aggressive narcissist vacillates rapidly between wanting to take charge and then wanting someone else to do it for them.
That’s why it’s so confusing. You might be feeling right now like, “Oh my God, my head hurts. What in the world?” Well here’s the primary tell. What’s the thing that sets the narcissist apart from the other cluster Bs in the continuum? It’s that the narcissist can hold themselves together the most –comparatively speaking. Compared to the other cluster Bs, they can hold themselves together, whereas the others – umm not so well. The petulant borderline has more acting out behaviors, lashing out on themselves and on others. Meanwhile the narcissist – even the passive-aggressive narcissist – is more image conscious. So that’s going to be the primary tell to look for on whether you’re dealing with a covert narcissist or a petulant borderline. If they are not emotionally dysregulated, chances are you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
Covert Narcissist 101
Now you might be thinking “What could possibly be so dangerous about an introverted, cowardly, nice, quiet narcissist?” Well it’s called covert narcissist for a great reason because covert narcissists are pros at covert abuse. And what is covert abuse? It’s sneaky abuse because you’re unable to validate the situation you’re in when you don’t understand you’re in fact being abused. Overt abuses are obvious. For example, if someone hits you or screams in your face, you’re obviously being abused.
However, there’s the covert way and I have a great example for you because once I once dated a covert narcissist back in the day. You see, the covert narcissist isn’t going to lead with arrogance. As a matter of fact, you’re more likely to detect a lack of confidence within them, which is one of the reasons the covert also goes by the name fragile narcissist and vulnerable narcissist. It’s all covert narcissist.
How Coverts Work the Trauma Bond
So hopefully you’re familiar with the intermittent reinforcement, also known as breadcrumbing stage – which comes after the love bombing stage. Love bombing is the honeymoon stage with a cluster B disorder. They shower you with love and attention and you think you have found the perfect love. Then stage 2: intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing. They start withholding. They pull away and even abuse you. Then they will give you little crumbs of what you tasted in the love bombing stage and it gets you hooked into what’s known as the trauma bond. Where the covert narcissist is concerned, it begins with simple emotional neglect.
With the covert narcissist, you’re less inclined to see the narcissistic rage. It’s more like narcissistic snaps instead of narcissistic roar. Not to say that the roaring won’t happen, just a lot less often than the other narcissists. The breadcrumbing that I was experiencing with my covert narcissist was that he became suddenly unavailable to go out with me for a few weekends in a row. So, I got the hint. Who wouldn’t? I thought, “Well OK, this person is pulling away. Gee it sure was good while it lasted,” not knowing any better. Then out of nowhere, here comes the hoover and he loved bombed me, dropped a little breadcrumb just to get me hooked back in. So, I was like, “Oh, we’re back on? OK then.” This pulling away and then hoovering me back in would continue for eight months.
Passive complaints with calm self-praise
Looking back now – hindsight is 20/20 – he definitely wanted to see how far he could tear me down and humiliate me. He just operated in this subliminal way because I would see the way he would smirk sometimes and I would wonder about that. Then I’d tell myself, “But he’s such a nice guy. He’s so quiet and laid back.” Another thing he enjoyed doing was he talked about his coworkers flaws a lot and then end his spiel with “While I have a perfect record.” He did this whole comparing and criticisms on a quiet, calm level. He also wanted to get ahead – he talked about that a lot. And yet he didn’t want to do the work to get there. He was afraid of all responsibilities, both at work and even any ounce of responsibility he had for our relationship going terribly wrong.
The covert’s narcissistic snap
Here’s a great example of narcissistic rage in a covert. Check this out! His came out quietly. It would be single sentence snaps – just snap at me in one sentence and it was over. He would do this periodically. I remember only one of the things he said when he snapped at me because it was many years ago. I said to him, “I wonder what it would be like to be more mainstream.” He said, “Stop reading books and watch TV more often like normal people!” and that was it. It was over. He would do this – not all the time but often enough – just make these snappish insults at me.
The Dangers of Mental Abuse
Just one more thing because more awareness needs to be raised on mental abuse. We know a lot about emotional abuse and we think of emotional and mental as interchangeable. But there is a difference – especially when the emotional abuse is absent and they’re not doing the name calling and character assassinations. You’re left with just the mental abuse, which is the most covert abuse of all. The primary tell that you’re being mentally abused is how you feel like you’re always on guard around the person, a fear of being judged, fear of doing something wrong.
That’s how I felt the whole time I was in his (Covert) company. I remember how the song Unpretty by TLC would play in my head a lot because he kept me feeling like I had all these flaws and needed to improve and I was constantly falling short. I just never knew what kind of flaw he would find next and in his very covert way he would make a little comment about it. So when we ask what kind of danger can a covert narcissist pose, I can say this. Of the two narcissists that I dated my self-esteem took a far worse beating from the relationship with the covert narcissist. ,and that’s really saying something.
I am pleased to report however, that I am 19 years happily married to a wonderful human being. But believe me, before I found my king I dated some real wieners – I mean winners. I just had to hit my relationship rock bottom – as I refer to it – so that I would wake up finally and go, “You know what? I’m fed up with my usual type.”
Speaking of relationship rock bottom…
HPD + NPD = Somatic Narcissist
I dated that one too and not to slut shame here but…this is the sluttiest comorbid narcissist you could possibly get. This is the narcissist who’s comorbid with histrionic personality disorder. And by the way, of all the cluster Bs histrionics have the most similar traits to the narcissist, they’re just more shallow and theatrical about it. The crazy overlap should come as no surprise, considering narcissists are living in their fantasy image while the histrionic wants to be the center of attention. One of the criteria for histrionic personality disorder is they’re extremely shallow and so it blends quite nicely with narcissistic personality disorder.
It’s also important to note here that the term narcissistic was actually inspired by the guy Narcissus from Greek mythology who died after falling in love with his reflection in the lake. Well the somatic narcissist is Narcissus Incarnate. In fact that’s the nickname I have for my somatic ex. The somatic narcissist takes the image consciousness of a narcissist to a whole new level. They love grooming themselves and looking at themselves in the mirror. Let me tell you, my somatic narcissist lived with me and I remember him grooming himself in front of the mirror and saying “Damn I’m sexy!”
The Serial Cheater That Demands to be the Center of Attention
Because of the histrionic side wanting to be the center of attention at all times and it’s blended with the narcissist, you’re going to get a chronic crowd pleaser. Someone who is always studying the crowd, looking around to see who’s looking at them while using the narcissist cognitive empathy to feed them whatever they require so that the narcissist can get that narcissistic supply back from everyone in the room. They’re very body conscious too because the histrionic is provocative. So when it blends with narcissism, you’re going to see tight body-fitting clothing or clothing that leaves very little to the imagination. They’re going out to look sexy. They want that type of attention and they want everyone in the room to see them.
The worst part about this type of comorbid narcissist if you got one of these as your partner is that they demand to be the center of your attention. Not only are you guaranteed to be serial cheated on by this type of narcissist, but they’re also going to turn around and demand that you make them the exact center of your entire world. Drop everything at a moment’s notice on their account.
When I finally got fed up with my somatic ex and found out how much and how often he had been cheating on me, I went straight to the doctor to get myself checked. Because in my head, “Surely I have at least one disease. Please, please, don’t let it be anything permanent” was all I was thinking. When the doctor gave me a clean bill of health, I swear to God, my first response was, “Are you sure? Do you need to test me again?” Others are not as lucky as I was. I can tell you that.
ASPD + NPD = Malignant Narcissist
This is narcissistic personality disorder with antisocial personality disorder. If you’ve never heard of that one it’s a very misleading title.. Antisocial as a personality disorder simply means anti-law, anti-humanity. It is basically the psychopath, sociopath. So this is the narcissist with psychopathy. Now statistically speaking, this is the most dangerous and unhinged narcissist. When the narcissist blends with antisocial personality disorder, the narcissist has feelings of entitlement while also believing that ordinary rules that apply to others will not apply to them. Because antisocial means anti-law anti-humanity.
So, you’ll see more of those traits coming out in this type of narcissist. This narcissist escalates from merely exaggerating themselves to being blatantly and intentionally deceptive, and conning others just to get what they want. Also a vendetta is mixed in with this narcissist. So, when the narcissist is comorbid with sociopath/psychopath, you get a very dangerous cluster B cocktail in a single person. They are also going to be domineering because the narcissist wants to feel superior by making others feel inferior but when they’re blended with antisocial, they’re going to be domineering and exercising high levels of extreme control.
Comorbid Narcissists Can Have More Than One Comorbidty
Here’s another little takeaway for you because you don’t have to box them into one comorbid type either. The somatic narcissist that I was involved with also checked just enough boxes of antisocial personality disorder to qualify for that. He simply didn’t hit as many boxes with that one as he did with narcissistic and histrionic.
Some of the ways the malignant would come out in him was that he was intentionally deceptive. There was absolutely no sense of responsibility. He fully expected to skate through life on his looks, charm, and mooching off of others. He was always broke, couldn’t keep a job at all, and he simply just wanted to be a partier while living off one woman after another. So, you could call him the hobo-sexual. Whoever created that meme and that word, I love you! That was pure genius, because that was my ex, living off other people. And yes, he was extremely controlling and scary at times. That temper of his, when that narcissistic rage came out, it was absolutely terrifying.
My Storied Example
I got a story where he became the most unstable I had ever seen him and it’s worth telling. It’s an example of how terrifying these narcissists and other cluster B disorders can get. He showed up where I was simply hanging out with my friends. He didn’t like me hanging out with my friends because that’s when he wasn’t the exact center of my universe for the moment. So, he guided me outside and proceeded to cuss me out. Naturally one of my friends – who was a man – came out and told him, “You don’t talk to my friend like that.”
He attacked my friend in front of a big crowd of people, punched him twice actually. Somatic turned malignant narcissist on a dime. He immediately played DARVO and told me that I caused the whole incident. Then he told me that we had to leave now. Here I was in my perspective – I know everyone will judge me for the fact that I got in the narcissist’s truck with him – but my perspective was, “He just attacked my friend because of me. I want to protect my friends from more violence. So, I will leave with this violent man and God help me.”
The Reason Shape Shifting is in Trauma Glossary 1…
So, we left and here was the terrifying part. This is the very reason shape shifting is in Trauma Glossary 1 on my site. Don’t get it twisted, they’re not actually turning into something else. But what you see sometimes when they’re raging – the narcissistic rage or even the borderline splitting episode, which is a variant of the narcissistic rage – they start to look markedly different. So, my somatic turned malignant boyfriend was driving extremely reckless, like almost hitting things – cars and even a pole – terrifying me.
His voice dropped several octaves. He sounded exactly like the scream metal musicians – you know the scream metal musicians with that voice? He was speaking through that voice, punching the steering wheel and punching the part of the dashboard that was right in front of me. I thought he was going to either hit me at any second or hit something with his truck because he was driving so recklessly.
All the while he’s doing that scream metal raging and punching everything inside the truck, I swear to God, every single vein in his face popped out. He looked deformed and I’m going to tell you what it reminded me of. That year 2000 movie Supernova right at the end where that guy’s face gets all deformed with the bones sticking out. That’s what my somatic turned malignant narcissist reminded me of with all those veins sticking out. That was a terrifying moment when he showed his malignant. So guys, don’t feel like you have to limit whatever cluster B into only one type. We look at the cluster Bs and the continuum. Like my ex, he was mostly the somatic narcissist but there was plenty of malignant in him too.