Today I want to talk to you about the Cluster B personality disorders: Narcissistic, Histrionic, Borderline, and Anti-Social. There’s one more you might not have heard of because it was removed at the publication of DSM 5. It’s Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. Just because it was removed doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. My argument is that we should move away from calling it narcissistic abuse and move towards calling it Cluster B abuse. Because if we call it narcissistic abuse, it implies that only one personality disorder is capable of committing coercive control on their partner and engineering complex PTSD in their children.
When we understand the Cluster B continuum, we see the big picture. After all, narcissists are not the only parents or partners that will keep you walking on eggshells. The child or battered partner of a borderline for example would be hard pressed to understand what they’re dealing with if they were only focusing on narcissistic personality disorder.
The other reason is that the Cluster B personality disorders have many traits in common. In fact, the most rare personality disorder is the one who only has one disorder. More often than not, they tend to be comorbid with at least one other personality disorder.
Too busy to read the rest of the article? Listen to it on my podcast (here) available on all listening platforms. Or my YouTube channel if you want to see the woman behind this site (here) speaking on this topic.
What are the Clusters of Personality Disorders?
There are three main groups, or clusters of personality disorders: Cluster A, Cluster B, and Cluster C. Psychology students are taught to remember them as mad, bad, sad.
Cluster A: mad – why are they mad? Well, they are under the category of the odd and eccentric personality disorders. So, mad is for madness. One example is Paranoid Personality Disorder, which is in the Cluster A group.
Cluster C: sad – why are they sad? Well, they’re under the category of the fear based personality disorders and one example is avoidant personality disorder which is in the Cluster C group.
And now for the Cluster Bs – what makes them bad? Well, you’re about to find out.
Cluster B Personality Disorders 101
First, Cluster B is under the category of erratic, irrational, and antagonistic. Further confounding this is how they all refuse to take personal accountability for their actions. In fact they will go to great lengths to avoid accountability. They outer-direct their blame through projection, gaslighting, and DARVO. These are the three most important vocabulary words to know when you’re dealing with a Cluster B disorder.
Note: The following terms that are covered in this article can also be found in Trauma Glossary 1:
- DARVO
- Gaslighting
- Laundry Listing
- Love Bombing
- Object Permanence (Lack of)
- Projection
- Trauma Bond
- Unmasking
1: Projection
Have you seen the memes going around lately that say projection is a self-confession? Well, there’s a lot of truth in that because they’re refusing to take accountability and they don’t want to look at themselves. So, they’re taking what they have done or what they plan on doing and project it onto other people.
2: Gaslighting
Now this is the crazy maker. It should come as no surprise that the cluster B disorders live in an altered state of mind due to the fact that they’re going to great lengths to escape personal accountability and they don’t want to look at themselves. This (gaslighting) is how they make you doubt your reality. Some examples are:
- “I never said that.”
- “I don’t remember it.”
- “You’re the crazy one.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Over time it works surprisingly well. Your whole world seems a little off-kilter and the Cluster B appears to be the only source of reality that you’re holding on to. And this is how a trauma bond gets formed over time but we’ll get more into the trauma bond later on in this series.
3: DARVO
DARVO is a five-letter acronym for Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. As the name of implies, that’s exactly what they do. They do something offensive and then turn the tables somehow on it being your fault. Or as I like to say, it’s the mentality of “I am never wrong but when I am, it’s always someone else’s fault.” This is yet another means of them finding any kind of a justifiable reason to excuse themselves by blaming you. And so, this is how they do the role reversal in their head with the outer blaming. “It’s all your fault. I’m the victim.” They give themselves the victim card every time because that’s yet another little side note. They’re the professional victims. They act like victims when in fact they are not.
What is Object Permanence?
The next trait they (Cluster Bs) have in common is their lack of object permanence. So, what is object permanence? It’s understanding that an object continues to exist even when it is out of our sight or away from us. Having object permanence in a relationship, using myself as an example looks like this. My husband is currently at work and I’m at home making this podcast (and these transcripts) for you guys. I understand that our marriage still exists. He is still very much in my life. It doesn’t change anything just because he’s away from me. So, now when we apply a lack of object permanence to the Cluster B disorders, there’s a complete breakdown.
4: Lack of Object Permanence
Think of it as a scale of cheating to stalking. That’s the usual behavioral outcome of a lack of object permanence in a relationship.
The Cheater
So what does it mean is when their partner is away from them? It’s like the relationship doesn’t exist. The person is not a part of their life at the moment and so, the cheater is going to look at it as what I call the “What’s in Vegas stays in Vegas” mentality. It’s “out of sight out of mind” gone terribly awry. If the partner is not here, in the head of the cheating Cluster B – because like I said it’s a scale – then the relationship isn’t real. Because the partner – for the time being – is not in their life. So, it’s okay to cheat – what’s in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Further confounding this is that the cheater can turn into a stalker on a dime and the stalker can turn into the cheater, also on a dime. Haven’t you ever heard of the partner who has been cheated on, gotten fed up, and left the cheater? Then suddenly the cheater starts stalking the ex-partner and you’re left thinking “What in the world?? This person has been neglecting their partner all this time, cheating on them as if they didn’t even care about the relationship. And now just because the partner has gotten fed up and left them, now they’re resorting to stalking and threatening and all of that other behavior?” Well see, now we have a name for it. The Cluster B continuum.
All Roads Lead Back to DARVO
They will also cycle right back to DARVO if they’re caught cheating. “Oh, you neglected me and I felt so alone.” It always cycles back to DARVO in some way, where they find every justifiable reason under the sun for doing what they did. Now let’s look at the scale from the stalker’s perspective.
The Stalker
For their lack of object permanence when their partner is away, they become desperate for the person. So, there’s going to be constant texts, phone calls, checking in, and an explosion of emotion dysregulation when their partner can’t call them back right away or answer a text immediately. It is not at all uncommon to see a series of text messages that the partner never even had a chance to respond to – it looks like they’re having an argument with themselves. That’s them having a fit because the partner is not fulfilling that lack of object permanence need. And no, this is not victim blaming at all. This is helping you make sense out of this senselessness.
The other thing is, a stalker will find reasons to be where the partner is. They will often use the excuse that sounds good on paper except in actionable behavior. They will say something like, “I just want to be included in your life,” but what they really mean is, they want to act out in ways that will exclude the partner from their friends, their family, and even their coworkers. And what is it we know about the stalker? It’s that other people tend to be in even more danger than the one they are stalking. The stalker sees other people as threats to the relationship with their partner – which brings us to the next point. They’re jealous.
5: Jealousy
They all have different ways of exercising and feeling their jealousy – jealousy of their partner, jealous of other people’s success, other people’s joy, jealous of their own child’s individuality. And so, they want to act and speak in ways that steal other people’s joy, other people’s success, and individuality in any way possible so that they can feel better. Because they are that insecure on the inside.
6: They Hate Boundaries
Now we’re moving on into the hypocrisy territory of the cluster B continuum. They hate boundaries – or better put, they hate other people’s boundaries. It’s okay for them to set the rules but those same rules don’t apply to them. You don’t get to set the boundaries. If they want to set one, it’s okay, but you do it – well, they’ve got questions.
A major red flag here is: A lot of people get hooked in the love bombing stage thinking, “Oh my God this person is really, really into me!” It could be a red flag if they’re demanding more and more intimacy. What they’re really saying is, “I don’t want boundaries” and that is a dangerous sign you’re dealing with a dangerous person who hasn’t yet fully unmasked. That’s the best advice I can give you. Also, the fastest means of finding out if you’re dealing with a Cluster B is to set a boundary and see how they react. They will either respond with DARVO or better yet, the trash will take itself out. Suffice to say that this will save you from a traumatic breakup with an unstable person. So, count yourself lucky.
7: Excessive Need for Something from Others
The next thing that the Cluster Bs have in common is, they all have an excessive need for (fill in the blank) something that they can only get from other people. For example,
- The narcissist has an excessive need for admiration from other people.
- The histrionic has an excessive need to be the center of attention.
- The borderline has an excessive need for co-regulation and validation.
- The anti-social has an excessive need to unleash their wrath on others.
- And finally the passive aggressive personality disorder that we hear least about is that they have an excessive need to complain to others. Always complaints, nothing they can do about it because they’re passive aggressive.
So, they have unrealistic expectations of how their needs are being met – unrealistic expectations on their children, unrealistic expectations on their partners. It’s never enough and the reason is, they are a bottomless pit that’s never going to be satisfied. That’s why they have excessive needs and so, they have a tendency to hook people – especially their partners – into this cycle of being stuck in an almost enough mentality. (For example) “My partner is almost okay. I’m almost meeting all my partner’s needs.” But it’s never enough and the partner tends to be living in the potential of the Cluster B while forgetting their own potential.
And the potential in the Cluster B, no matter how much you see it like, “It’s there, it’s there! It’s right there! I can see it!” – it never brings fruition. Never. Because it’s a perpetual cycle. Their needs will never be met, it’s unrealistic expectations.
And here comes the hypocrisy…
At the same time – holy hypocrisy Batman! – the Cluster B disorders cannot meet their partner’s needs or their children’s needs. They can also trick their partners and children into thinking that they are meeting their needs by using the projection, gaslighting, and DARVO of course – and one more. Which brings us to the next point.
8: Laundry Listing
This is another form of trickery they use. It’s how they con you into thinking that they do all sorts of things for you. You’re just forgetting. I call this one laundry listing. Whenever a Cluster B does something nice for you or gives you a gift, always remember that everything comes with a price in the Cluster B continuum. They will not let you forget. Ever. They will always bring it up.
They’ve got a list of all these amazing things they’ve done for you. It’s another form of DARVO. It’s to remind you of how great they’ve been and they will never let you forget that. They will pull it out in a moment’s notice – in an insecure moment, a jealous moment, or when they’re being held accountable for something. They got that laundry list ready and they are magnifying all the good things they have done through their laundry list while minimizing what you’ve done.
It’s gaslighting too of course – gaslighting is their superpower. They’re convincing you that you are the taker and the user in the relationship because “clearly” by their laundry list, they’ve given you everything. The worst part is, have you heard this saying, that the most convincing liar is the one who believes their own lies? Well, in the case of the cluster Bs, that’s exactly what’s going on. They’re believing their own words that are coming out of their mouths and it’s a crazy maker in itself. It gets you trapped into questioning yourself, questioning who you are. “Am I the bad person? Am I the user, am I the taker?”
9: Masking and Unmasking
If you’ve ever wondered, If it’s a mental illness, then why do they act so fake in public? Well, it turns out they’ve had their own name for it for a long time now. I can confirm this because I’ve had spies in their support groups for quite some time. You’d be surprised what they admit when they think no one else is around to see it. Masking and unmasking, they put on a great facade in public and they unmask behind closed doors. So, those living behind closed doors are the ones paying the ultimate price.
Many Cluster Bs wear their masks so well in public that they can look like amazing human beings to the outsiders looking in. Unfortunately, it makes those who live behind closed doors with them feel isolated and alone. Because if they speak out, who will believe them? And children are the most vulnerable to Cluster B parents who – by the way – have no business being parents. The child grows up wondering why mom or dad is nicer to everyone else. Children being children are going to blame themselves thinking, Wow there must be something wrong with me because mom or dad is nicer to everyone else.
10: Poor Impulse Control
The last thing the Cluster Bs all have in common is poor impulse control with no thought to consequences. In fact, the most authentic thing you will ever see in a Cluster B disorder is that shocked facial expression once they learn there are consequences for their erratic, irrational, or antagonistic behavior. And of course, here comes DARVO once again. It’s always falling back to DARVO moments. They’re always going to be the victim and everyone else is the offender.
Final Thoughts
So, now that we fully understand the Cluster B continuum I’m going to leave you with one final thought. There is hope for anyone who is willing to practice personal accountability and self-awareness. However, no personal accountability and no self-awareness, there is no hope. And to quote Dr. Carmen Bryant, “Hope is the last thing to go” when you’re dealing with a cluster B. It’s hope in the cluster B that dies, but do you know what gets reborn? Hope for yourself, hope for your recovery from their abuse, and hope for your healing, because you can practice self-awareness and personal accountability. So, there’s always hope for you, especially when you go no contact with these people, and that’s what I promote. Forged in trauma, rising as warriors.
This is Jaena the Writer Speaking to My Readers
Introducing myself to the audible and video platforms, I chose to lead with raising real awareness on the Cluster B disorders. As someone who is deeply passionate about our cause – which is standing up to the abuser’s culture and hopefully shut it down – I also realized that after three years of writing articles on this site, I have never written a single article on this topic, or the next five upcoming videos and podcast episodes. Those next five will be a deep dive on – and the different manifestations of – each Cluster B disorder. So, what to do when you have fresh material that you passionately believe in? You scream it on every available platform. And that includes this site.
In other words, while this one and the next five articles will be the cleaned up and organized versions of my spoken transcripts, this is not the new forever here. Because after that, there will be fresh articles unrelated to my latest podcast and YouTube episodes. It’s also an opportunity for you to find me on other platforms.
If you followed either link at the beginning, you are now familiar with the difference between Jaena the speaker versus Jaena the writer. Suffice to say that having spent many more years of my life writing before I learned to use my voice and speak out, I’m a far more experienced writer than speaker. At the same time, I intend to do learn from this past week’s errors so that I can grow as a speaker.