The Biological Science of Enablers

The internet gaslighters are encouraging a new generation of enablers. They have been weaving a fantasy world for some time. And it goes something like this. First they describe Cluster B disordered (Trauma Glossary 1) behaviors as nothing more than a trauma response. “Those poor abusers were once, themselves abused! Don’t you feel sorry for them?” Is what they’re really saying. Then they follow up with the hero narrative. “If you love them more and keep being consistent, one day they will finally understand that you’re not going anywhere. And then they will calm down.” This is diabolically unrealistic. Do they not realize that the Cluster B’s primary attachment figure is already hooked into doing exactly this? And that they are doing so at a great cost to themselves?

Further confounding this mess are the enablers (Trauma Glossary 1) with their so-called “success stories” with their abusive partners. They are only too eager to tell other partners of Cluster B disorders that “It gets better” followed by a long diatribe of all the enabling they have done for their partner. “I’ve been in this (toxic) marriage for 20+ years. It hasn’t been easy, but my partner has improved.” Has anyone noticed how they can’t be specific? They claim that their partner has improved, and yet they can’t provide solid examples. They actually believe “It gets better” despite how they can’t name anything in their life that has.

Right now, you’re probably asking, “How is it then, that enablers believe things have improved when the reality is, they haven’t?” That’s because of a little stress hormone called norepinephrine. It’s the thinker and doer hormone that numbs our emotional reactions while we are enduring trauma. Norepinephrine is also the enabler hormone.

Just a small disclaimer:

Primary Attachment Figure (PAF): Talk about a term that’s been watered down by the internet gaslighters! Thanks to them, you may know this as “Favorite Person” or what BPDs have shortened as “FP” because let’s face it; it sounds more flattering than PAF. The PAF is the primary supply person to the Cluster B, the very one they will unleash their true selves around while demanding validation for doing so. Due to the Cluster B’s weak sense of self, they are merger hungry and obsessed with their PAF. The Cluster B will go to great lengths to ensure that their PAF will mirror and enable them. The more the PAF is manipulated by the Cluster B, the more the PAF is in danger of losing their own sense of self. The Cluster B’s goal is to whittle down the PAF to the point where they only perceive both people and the world through the eyes of the Cluster B. Once they achieve this, they have successfully created their very own Enabler.

See also: Gaslighting; Enmeshment; Love Bombing; Intermittent Reinforcement; Soul Murder; Trauma Bond

Trauma Glossary 1

If you identify as the primary attachment figure to your Cluster B partner and you are daring to ask “Should I leave?” I stand with you. The internet enablers have ceased asking that question years ago, if they ever asked themselves that at all. At the same time, you need to understand that the biological science I’m describing in the enablers is also your science. I hope this article helps you make the right decision. If it does, I hope you stay with me to the very end, when I talk to you about the ways you can start correcting your biological science. But I warn you now. It begins with you answering your own question with a resounding yes.

Norepinephrine as the Hormone for Enablers

Norepinephrine, also known as noradrenaline, is not a bad or “evil” hormone. In fact, it has excellent uses, especially when we know how to work with it so that it can provide us with maximum benefits. (I will link that article on how to work with it later.) It is simply being misused and overused by the enablers. We will be expanding on their biological science with charts and images as we go along. But here is the “bare bones” synopsis:

Norepinephrine is one of the major converters for cortisol. Cortisol is the hormone in charge of our stress response. And living with psychological abuse is a guaranteed way of throwing our cortisol levels out of whack. (Cortisol imbalance.) This automatically leads to an imbalance in our serotonin levels too. But wait! There’s more! Norepinephrine is also a converter for another hormone you’ve probably heard of: dopamine. So, as our cortisol and serotonin are thrown out of balance, we become dopamine deficient. And, since enablers are in a trauma bond (Trauma Glossary 1) with their partner, their oxytocin lowers.

This (shall we say) “poop show” of hormonal imbalance is the biological science of what is going on inside the brain and body of all enablers. And which hormone is acting as that proverbial “man behind the curtain” that’s upsetting the balance of the most major hormones in the body? Norepinephrine. Every enabler’s choice hormone. They just don’t know it.

Small “t” traumas: The Science of Normalizing Abuse

Big T versus small t sounds like a trauma competition, but I assure you it isn’t. Check out the visual aid below. It’s from an article I wrote on norepinephrine almost a year ago. The very one that talks about how we can work with it for maximum benefits. Funny how it takes on a more sinister meaning in this article, isn’t it?

Ever heard abuse survivors say, “You never know how bad it was until you’re out of the situation”? Or how about battered spouses who don’t understand they are in an abusive relationship until they take an online test like this one? R. Kelly’s ex-wife, for example endured multiple abuses. But she had no idea she was being abused by him until she saw how high she scored.

Big T traumas come at us as a shock to the whole system. We have no way of preparing for it because it has never happened before. Adrenaline is designed for fast action because it wants to get us away from the danger. However, when it happens again and becomes more frequent, it loses its shock value and we become desensitized to what’s happening to us. And that’s how they become small t traumas. Norepinephrine takes over. It helps us endure by numbing our emotions so that we can focus on what must be done for our safety. This is how enablers kid themselves into thinking “It’s not so bad.”

With Oxytocin for the Trauma Bond

Oxytocin, that so-called “love hormone” is really about our social memory. [citation] Bonding and connecting with others is the result of having enough positive social memories to do so. (Ideal) Too high, we are flooded with negative social memories and are fearful of getting too close to anyone. But check out what happens when oxytocin lowers. What does it have in common with what I just said about norepinephrine?

Dopamine: The Enablers’ “Reward System”

True story. I was raised by a mother with borderline personality disorder (Trauma Glossary 1) and an enabler father. One day, at age twenty-seven, I asked my father, “Why are you still with her?” His immediate response was, “When things are good, they’re really, really good.” When I looked at him like he sprouted two heads, he added, “No one will ever love me like she does.” To this day, I don’t know which was more shocking, his firing off not one, but two D.V. victim clichés, or how he wasn’t remotely taken aback by my question. It shows that like all enablers, he has known all along that there is something seriously wrong. He has spent a lifetime rationalizing it.

Intermittent Reinforcement is in Trauma Glossary 1, and it’s another word for Breadcrumbing. Since even an enabler will leave if a relationship is all bad all the time, Cluster B’s will, on rare occasions, behave lovingly to their partner. Enablers already have a dopamine deficiency due to their trauma bond. So, when their abusive partner does this, it keeps the enabler hooked. No matter how rare or short-lived, the good times are magnified inside the enabler’s head. And they will live for the next good time, no matter how long they have to wait to get it. Just as my father’s example clearly demonstrates.

Below is another chart I originally made for my article on norepinephrine. I only changed the left column to show what the enablers’ reward system looks like.

Serotonin: The Enablers’ Brain and Body on Trauma

The chart below was originally used in this article when I talked about our hormones and the importance of rest, exercise, and nutrition to heal from our trauma and achieve balance in our lives.

Imbalanced cortisol will automatically lower our serotonin. That’s because they act as a counterbalance. For one thing, serotonin is the mood stabilizer to cortisol’s stress response. So, there’s the mental health connection. But there’s also our physical health and it starts with our gut. Cortisol is responsible for producing stomach acids so that we can digest food. And there is more serotonin in the stomach than there is in the brain. So, what sort of problems will we have when they are not working together?

So, while enablers are pushing their agenda on others, perhaps we should ask how they are dealing with their head and stomach pains. I’m sure their medicine cabinet would be quite revealing. But if that’s not scary enough, check out this fact.

Nearly 25% of Cancer Patients are Domestic Violence Victims

In case it’s your first time hearing this, domestic violence includes more than just physical abuse. As a matter of fact, psychological abuse triggers this hormonal imbalance faster than the physical kind. Until now, we’ve been focusing on low cortisol, which is the body’s response to learned helplessness. So, what’s the body saying when cortisol is high? It has shifted into fight or flight mode. Below, I have highlighted only somatic effects of high and low cortisol.

So, nearly 25% of enablers have this to look forward to with their Cluster B partner acting as caretaker. Over 75% will just have to worry about not pooping their pants (IBS with low cortisol).

How Enablers Have Lost Their Identity

Now let’s take a look at the enabler’s mental health using the same chart. Notice the patterns of chronic fatigue and depression. Of course, enablers are in denial of their depression. But that’s only because their emotions are blunted by norepinephrine, low oxytocin, and dopamine. Digression aside, what else sticks out with low serotonin?

So, naturally when we do break free, there’s that sense of not knowing who we are. Let me assure you that this is 100% natural. Children of Cluster B’s reach adulthood with no idea of who they are. Having spent a lifetime in a role the parent assigned them, it’s a long journey for the adult child to discover their authentic self. The same applies to the battered spouse, often forced into the caretaker role.

Enablers’ Hormonal Imbalance is Identical to Addictions!

It’s true. Exactly the same hormones we’ve covered are also triggered in addictions. I took the liberty of highlighting the hormonal range of each hormone that applies to both the enabler and the substance abuser. Check out all the hormone deficiencies highlighted. It looks like the chart of someone who is barely living.

There’s a difference between bonding with the partner and the trauma bond. The latter is the enabler’s choice drug. After looking at the above chart, it’s pretty revealing. The enabler is just an addict trying to push a lethal drug onto battered spouses. Their so-called “success stories” lack solid evidence, as they are speaking through their norepinephrine. Marriage, or any adult relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not the babysitter’s club.

An Open Letter to Those Who Identify as the Primary Attachment Figure

If you have read this far, you’re stronger than you think. Conversely, if you skimmed all the way down immediately upon reading my little disclaimer to you, hey no judgements here. Either way, it shows you’re open to learning what you can do to improve your mental and physical health. The biological science described here is an ugly truth, but the good news is, it doesn’t have to be permanent. The bad news is, the resources I have for you won’t do much good until you leave the abusive relationship. That must be step one for healing.

Step 2: I recommend this article on proper breathing. Believe it or not, trauma tends to make us breathe backwards and we don’t even realize it! This impacts our nervous system and overstimulates our fight/flight response. All the hormones described in this article connect from the nervous system to the brain. So, proper breathing is a pretty big deal.

Step 3: Master Toolbox 2. Scroll down to section 3, where you will see tools for getting our hormones to ideal levels. Please don’t neglect tools for dopamine while there. I know I didn’t talk of it too much here, but it’s kind of the “chief influencer” of all our hormones. Besides, it’s key to building confidence, something you desperately need now.

Master Toolbox 1 is another great resource. The best way to explain it the differences is that toolbox 2 focuses on healing the science of our trauma, while toolbox 1 focuses on healing the psychological problems.

Don’t forget the other two articles I linked within the bulk of this one, as I believe both will be beneficial to your healing as well. In case you missed them, the article for norepinephrine is here.

The article concerning rest, nutrition, and exercise is here.