This article explores the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in context of Narcissistic Supply (NS) and its distinct primary and secondary forms. It contrasts how the NPD differs from non-disordered people in their need for and pursuit of NS.
Normal and Pathological Narcissistic Supply
NS is a term used to describe both a basic and universal human need, as well as what pathological Narcissists compulsively require at all costs. Normal NS is affirmation, recognition – more or less any positive feedback we need from others to feel adequate in our social surroundings. When this basic human need turns into a hunger that can never be satiated, when no amount of gorging is enough to make a person feel adequate, this person has become a Cluster B disordered personality. There are four of these disorders, but this article limits the scope to NS in the context of NPD.
Normal people need NS in measured amounts and are not comfortable with too much NS. We need positive ques from other people to both feel like we belong and are appreciated, as well as to positively reinforce prosocial behaviors. Too much NS, like gushing, too much attention, or standing in the spotlight for too long, makes normal people uncomfortable and we avoid it. Normal people also reject destructive and grossly unwarranted criticism (we can think of these as negative NS). Normal people prefer constructive resolution to conflict (conflict is also negative NS) and can go relatively long periods without receiving NS.
The NPD differs from normal people regarding NS in two ways. First, they need NS in endless amounts, but no amount ever satisfies them. The second difference is that negative NS meets their need in the same way regular NS does, in stark contrast to normal people. The NPD is a literal addict to NS. They are always looking for their next fix but are never satisfied for long before the compulsion returns. They order their entire lives around getting NS and progressively lose their ability to function if they cannot find it.
The Addicts’ Withdrawal and Collapse
The end-stage of their withdrawal is narcissistic collapse, which they express with rage and impulse and harming others. They often reach this end-stage quickly, which explains their frequent antagonistic behaviors. The NPD can reach this end-stage in another way by experiencing anything that hurts their notoriously fragile ego. Their hunger is never stilled for long, and insignificant events hurt their ego. This combination explains why the NPD hurts people so often, and why they reach narcissistic collapse so often.
Primary vs. Secondary Narcissistic Supply
The NPD experiences two types of NS: primary and secondary. Primary NS can be positive or negative, but secondary NS must be positive. Primary supply is active attention or validation of their importance through day-to-day interactions. It can be public attention like fame, infamy (negative NS), recognition of professional achievements, or being feared. It can also be private attention like compliments or conflict.
Secondary supply itself has two distinct forms. The first form is passive, leading a normal life, having a life partner, maintaining a career, or anything that makes the NPD seem like a normal and successful person to the outside world. The second form of secondary NS can be thought of as a reservoir of NS for when primary NS is unavailable for too long. The most common reservoir is the life partner of the NPD.
The partner of the NPD witnesses the primary supply events over time and remembers them. Examples include successes in education, promotions, public recognitions, and the list is endless. When the NPD goes too long without experiencing these events firsthand, they can reexperience them through the secondary source, the reservoir. The life partner provides this by reminding the NPD of the primary supply events, for example by talking about how well they did in school. When the secondary source fails to provide what the NPD wants, the NPD will initiate conflict to extract (negative) NS.
The NPD prefers primary NS because it is changing, dynamic, and exciting, but they cannot control it to receive adequate and regular access to it. They fill these gaps by having a life partner who they can turn to during periods when primary supply does not meet their needs. They do not love their life partners, but they desperately need them as a backup source of NS, either through secondary supply or though conflict.
The Bottom Line
If you’re stuck with a narcissistic partner, you can use your understanding of NS to, at least temporarily, dampen their mood swings and avoid some temper tantrums. Whether you are with one or not, these people should be avoided in all circumstances. After all, they care only about themselves and see other people as only objects that they are entitled to use for whatever their immediate purposes are.