Victim Shamers: 5 Types in Your Community and How to Deal with Them

Victim Shamers are those who have more sympathy for the abuser than the victim. They are the ones who have excuses for abusers and will make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior. It’s enough to make any survivor of Cluster B (Trauma Glossary 1) abuse feel just as attacked by their community as they had when they lived with their abuser behind closed doors.

While “End the Stigma” on Cluster B’s is trending, too many influencers have overlooked the stigma that children of adverse homes have always endured in their personal lives. Until awareness is raised on this issue, we will continue to be stigmatized by the ignorant and uneducated.

As children of adverse homes, we tend to grow up with the assumption that if our own parents don’t care, then surely no one else will. How tragic it is, when we encounter a victim shamer who “confirms” those assumptions. The truth is, there are people who care and are willing to hear your story without judging or censoring your words. Victim shamers have the power to finish what our gaslighting (Trauma Glossary 1) parents started: to make us permanently doubt both ourselves and our ability to relate to others.

Don’t let these people influence your perception of the world. The victim shamers aren’t playing with a full deck, anyway, as you will see. In fact, their most common denominator is in how they hold onto a single point and weaponize it, forsaking any other points of reasoning in the process. I call this tendency Rubberized Brain Phenomenon (Trauma Glossary 1). Here are the top five victim shamers we deal with in our personal community.

Enabler Parent:

(weapon of choice: trauma bond Trauma Glossary 1)

I defined the enabler parent in Trauma Glossary 1 and I stand by every word. If you had this one, you likely suffered a fresh hell when, upon breaking free from the abusive parent, the “nice one” revealed their true colors.

Even if the enabler is not a personality disorder, they have succumbed to so much gaslighting and enmeshment (Trauma Glossary 1), that their brain is incapable of independent thought. They see only through the eyes of the house tyrant. The enabler parent prefers minimizing every abusive act committed by the tyrant than to validate your reasons for breaking free.

Family-First Shamers:

(weapon of choice: family values)

As if being hurt and invalidated by the enabler parent wasn’t enough, we get to hear these people spew much of the same garbage. These people are a special kind of stupid. They take for granted the fact that you survived your adverse home as meaning it couldn’t have been as bad as you claim.

Part of what’s going on in their misfiring brain circuitry is that they are interpreting your story as meaning that you are bashing all parents all over the world. I actually witnessed one’s whole demeanor change once when I casually mentioned how kids of adverse homes are the first to tell those who had good, nurturing mothers to NOT take that wonderful woman for granted. The person transformed from judgmental to open and compassionate before my very eyes. I was too much in shock to offer anything further, however.

They shame the abused spouse as well, especially when the battered spouse has had enough. All of a sudden, the battered spouse is accused of not trying hard enough. The good news is, these people are easy to spot because they verbally vomit the same lines. Like I said, the family-first shamer is a special kind of stupid, incapable of finding new words for their flimsy argument.

One can’t help but wonder if the family-first shamer is shaming the abused spouse because they think the abused spouse is bashing all marriages all over the world of all time.

Flying Monkey:

(weapon of choice: the Cluster B’s words)

This one is the grown-up version of “the coattail kid” in high school. (Those who ride the coattails of the schoolyard bully in order to look tougher than they really are. Hence: coattail kid.) The flying monkey is more than likely, a Cluster B (Trauma Glossary 1), themselves, only less intimidating. (Just like the high school coattail kid) Eager to please the abuser, this one will do anything, from spying on, to shaming the victim. It’s amazing how common it is for these people to act so quickly based off ONE person’s version of events. Just as quickly, they close their mind to the victim’s side of the story.

The flying monkey uses the same script every time: “I know (Cluster B’s name), and (Cluster B) would never do that!” Well, naturally, anyone who spends a lot of time kissing the cluster B’s royal behind will incur less abuse than others. As long as the cluster B has other targets, of course. Distortion Campaign (Trauma Glossary 1) is a good point of reference here, considering the flying monkey is first to believe the Cluster B’s nonsense and act on their orders.

Spiritual Abusers:

(Weapon of choice: See the two types listed.)

*Special Disclaimer: I am not in any way bashing either belief system. I have met many of both Christians and New Agers who have been open to understanding the victim’s side of the story without judgement or shaming. I have also heard from a vast array of those in the CPTSD community who have credited either (sometimes both!) belief systems for being instrumental in their healing. What’s described here are those who twist such belief systems in order to push their own agenda. This type of abuse was introduced in Covert Abuse: 7 Types You Need to Know.

1. Kumbaya Shamer: (weapon of choice: holy bible) They know every scripture by heart and use it to shame others into praying for the soul of the abuser while simultaneously rushing the victim into pre-mature forgiveness (“You don’t want go to hell, do you?”) These self-righteous hypocrites even tell the victims to thank the lord for the hell they endured, since, according to this shamer, it’s either brought them closer to god or it’s all part of his master plan anyway.
   
   They talk a good game about wanting to bring people closer to god, while simultaneously turning their hearts off from god. The Kumbaya Shamer knows exactly what they’re doing; they are delivering a version of their god that directly reflects them. No compassion, all judgement and a full blown narcissist. I sure hope they get to take plenty of SPF lotion with them into the afterlife; from what I hear, it gets pretty hot down there.
2. Clairvoyant Shamer: (weapon of choice: karma and reincarnation) These people are the new age spiritual abuser. They tell you that the reason you were abused is because in your past life, you were the one who abused your abuser. But wait! There’s more! In order to break free from your karma, you must make peace with your abuser. If you don’t, you will never have peace in this life or your next one.
   
   This type of shamer could use a history lesson, because making peace with our abusive parents was one of the many quack methods used in 90’s therapy. It took the psychologists a while to come down from their high horse, but when they finally did, they realized that shaming the child abuse survivor into peace talks with their parents wasn’t the most effective treatment plan, after all. And as per the whole “you abused your abuser first” approach, well, all I have to say is, this shamer has some bad karma in store for them in their next life.

Toxic Positivity:

(weapon of choice: Happiness and Now)

These people think they have trauma all figured out. All you have to do is put it behind you and just let go of those sticky thoughts already. Because, you know, whatever happened to you belongs in the past anyway; you can choose to be happy, so they claim.

If you can’t be happy, then they accuse you of holding onto your trauma. This is because they know nothing about Flashbacks (Trauma Glossary 2) or the nervous system, neurotransmitters (under body chemicals) misfiring or parts of the brain affected by trauma (Trauma Glossary 3). Unfortunately there’s been a slow rise in “therapists” as well as charlatan life coaches who are promoting this quackery.

Being present in order to work on having the sort of future you deserve is a process in itself. In order to do that, you first have to allow yourself to feel the feels while processing the past. This requires experiencing those pesky “Debby Downer” emotions fully in order to transcend them. No, friend, you are NOT the one holding onto your trauma. Glossaries 2 and 3 are proof that trauma is actually holding on to you. Any therapist who isn’t interested in helping you process your trauma is NOT trauma informed enough to help you. Don’t walk, RUN and find a new one.

The community victim shamers lack the intelligence to see the world beyond their rose-colored glasses. This is why they judge you. Confiding your story to a community victim shamer is a waste of time. However, due to their busybody nature and a passion for inserting their unsolicited opinions, dealing with them can at times be unavoidable.

Here are the ten most common buzzword/phrases, with rebuttals to help you validate yourself: Remember, holding your own against them is not going to change their minds, but rather, it’s about affirming yourself.

To the child abuse survivor:

“They did the best they could. ”

WE did the best we could just to survive. Were those who murdered their own children also “doing the best they could?” What’s their definition of an abusive parent “doing the best they can” anyway? Do they have any examples of what this even means?

“How could you say such things against your own mother/father?”

How could any mother/father abuse their own child? They hear the story of an adult survivor of child abuse and are horrified that anyone could have any resentment towards those who brought them into the world. Never mind that the very people who brought us into the world proceeded to traumatize us over and over again. They fail to consider, for even a moment, how a mother/father could do such a thing to “their own child”.

“But, that’s your mother/father!”

Yes, and that makes it even worse; you do realize that, right? Spoiler alert: No, they don’t and they won’t realize that having one’s “own parents” acting as our abusers makes the pain and the trauma even worse.

“They brought you into the world, and they can take you out!”

1) You do know you’re quoting a serial rapist, right? Bill Cosby first used this line in his stand-up comedian days. It was used again in the pilot episode of The Cosby Show, where Bill Cosby, as Heathcliff Huxtable, delivered this line to his TV son, Theo. Bill Cosby has since been convicted of serial rape.

2) Do you justify murder as long as it’s committed by the parent? In most cases, their minds are too small to comprehend that they are condoning murder. Some are so determined to win their argument, they’re willing to go that extra mile and say Yes. In that case, a great follow-up question would be: Then why aren’t you out there protesting the incarceration of all those parents who did just that?

“You only have one”

Thank god we only have one abuser! This flimsy argument is used to justify why you should keep that abuser who happens to be your parent in your life. Just in case you haven’t heard this lately: No, keeping your abuser in your life is never okay; DNA is irrelevant.

“You’ll regret it someday after they’re gone, trust me.”

I’ve regretted that I have not had a loving parent my whole life. The community victim shamers are using their experiences of love and nurturing and projecting it onto you. They are failing to consider your situation, much less, your hurt. It must be nice to come from a family that was so loving, that they literally can’t imagine what it’s like coming from an abusive home.

“Honor thy father and mother.”

Colossians 3:21 “Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Ephesians 6:4 “Provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Rebuttals for the self-righteous.

To the battered spouse:

“Give your spouse one more chance”

To do what, turn me into a statistic? It could be that this shamer is justifying their argument purely because they’ve seen no physical marks. There are many ways to destroy a human life. Murder is just the physical means of doing so. Many enabler parents reached that point of no return by getting caught up in giving the abuser multiple “second chances”. Don’t let the voices of the ignorant drown out your intuition.

“You made a commitment and you owe it to your kids to try”

I owe it to my kids to get them far away from the abuser. Seriously, DO NOT become an enabler parent (Trauma Glossary 1). No child deserves to be raised in an adverse home. Nor do you deserve to be abused.

“Children need both parents.”

Thanks to people like you, our joke of a legal system agrees, despite the number of abusive parents who kill their own children. Keeping the child safe from harm is more important than the abuser’s visitation rights. The more we are allowed to raise awareness on this, the better chance we have of changing laws for the better.

I’ve saved my favorite rebuttal for last.

I encourage you to use it whenever and however often you wish. Shock their tiny brains with the following history lesson:

“Susan Smith, Diane Downs and Theresa Knorr murdered at least one of their own children. If their children could pull a Lazarus today and speak out against what happened to them, would you use the same lines against them? Would you tell the non-abusive parent, who mourns their child’s death every day, to send their children back to the one who already murdered them once?

To date, I’ve never gotten a response, but at least they stop talking.