3 Days to No Contact: Daughter Shares What Happened

Kelley McCord is back again this week! This time, she is talking about how the days that followed her brother’s death led to going no contact. If you have been following Kelley’s saga these past two weeks, you know that her mother has ruined many lives. In Kelley’s first interview, we learned how her mother, who had borderline personality disorder (Trauma Glossary 1) committed serial parental alienation and got away with it. Then last week, we learned how that very same mother made Kelley’s stepfather’s death all about her.

Thanks to her mother’s shenanigans, Kelley and her biological father had no means of contact for eighteen years. So, growing up, her stepfather had been the only father she knew. Then she lost him at age twenty-one. Though she moved out shortly afterwards, and despite all the drama her mother constantly stirred, Kelley remained in contact with her. That was until age twenty-eight, when her brother, Jimmy died. Once again, her mother made someone else’s death all about her.

Reunions with our family and friends, especially when sharing grief over the loss of a loved one bring us closer together. However, when that friend or family member is toxic, it does the reverse. It seems to me that there’s something about being in close quarters for an extended period with the toxic person. It reminds us of all the reasons we couldn’t wait to get away. Then we wonder for the first time, why have we waited so long to go no contact? This happened to me at age twenty-five, on a week long visit with my borderline mother. And the same thing happened to Kelley in just three days. Except in her case, she was forced to go no contact with her surviving brother as well.

In case you missed her past two interviews, her first one, concerning her mother’s parental alienation is here.

Kelley’s second interview, on how her mother made her stepfather’s death all about her is here.

3 Days to No Contact

Just a little note. Only the name of Kelley’s deceased brother, Jimmy is used. He was her half-brother, the result of her mother’s first marriage. Kelley and her surviving brother are the result of her mother’s second marriage. She is choosing nicknames for both her borderline mother (which is “Egg Donor”) and her surviving brother (which is “Mini-Me”). This is to help you understand who’s who in her story.

Recap from Kelley’s Introduction Interview

Kelley McCord: I was 28 maybe 29 when I got a phone call that Jimmy’s dead. A tooth infection is what killed him unfortunately.

So, we all met at Jimmy’s house and I was just covered in tears. Jimmy’s dad was there and his other two siblings, and they were hugging and comforting each other. Egg donor and Mini-Me were there too. I ran up to Mini-Me and I hugged him, and it was like hugging a complete stranger. Not the warm embrace that I would have expected, given that he and Jimmy were like, the best of friends.

So, we were all up there together for three days to handle everything. The whole time, egg donor and Mini-Me were already buddy-buddy and they acted like it was just another day!

Jaena: Whoa! Help me make sense of this. Mini-Me had been no contact with Egg Donor all this time [six years]. He had also been “best friends” with Jimmy. But as soon as Jimmy died, he no longer seemed to care about him. And he promptly attached himself to Egg Donor, the serial perpetrator of parental alienation, just like that?

Kelley McCord: Yes.

Parental Alienation: Daughter of a Repeat Offender Speaks Out

“Always have an exit plan!”

Jaena: How far did you have to travel to get to Jimmy’s house?

Kelley McCord: 4 hours, but I actually drove an extra hour to stay at Jimmy’s dad’s house. I called Jimmy’s sister while I was on the road. I wasn’t sure where I was going to stay and so they offered I go to their house (Jimmy’s dad), stay the night, and we’d all head out in our separate cars to Jimmy’s house the next day.

Jaena: It’s telling how you called the paternal side of Jimmy’s family instead of your mother (Egg Donor) and your other brother (Mini-Me). Like you instinctively knew who would be most comforting and validating.

Kelley McCord: Oh absolutely! I had very low contact with Egg Donor. We only talked on holidays or something. And Mini-Me and I only talked when we were around Jimmy.

Jaena: So, Egg Donor and Mini-Me were already at Jimmy’s house before you got there?

Kelley McCord: Yep. Jimmy’s ex-wife was there too, and his two kids. But they were so little, they didn’t really understand what was going on. Anyway, I’m…pretty sure Egg Donor and Mini-Me were staying at Jimmy’s ex-wife’s house. The rest of us had hotel rooms in town.

Jaena: This is also known as having an exit plan. Those are important when in the company of a toxic person. Just some means of getting away whenever necessary.

Kelley McCord: Always have an exit plan!

It’s an opportunity to make her son’s death all about her.

Jaena: So, from the recap, you all arrived, everyone was emotional except for Egg Donor and Mini-Me.

Kelley McCord: Egg Donor was searching through paperwork and trying to find out if Jimmy had a will and that kind of stuff. But I don’t recall her ever trying to hug me or comfort me and I certainly wasn’t seeking that out from her either.

Anyway, Jimmy was going to be cremated. So, Mini-Me and Egg Donor were using the excuse that because they’re in the medical field, that they know how to contact the right people and to get this stuff kind of taken care of. The rest of us didn’t care, you know. We were like, Okay, fine, whatever. So, they go meet with whoever does the cremation. And when they get back, she keeps talking about how she’s done all of this work, and she’s talking to this person, talked to that person, blah-blah-blah. You know, she’s the queen bee and she’s handling everything.

Jaena: Of course she is. It’s an opportunity to make her son’s death all about her.

Kelley McCord: Exactly! So, that night, I found this little steakhouse bar next to the hotel I was staying at. Then Jimmy’s dad and two siblings show up because it’s the only decent place in town. So we’re all just like, “Hey, let’s eat together and have drinks together and just share nonstop stories of Jimmy.” So, Jimmy’s dad paid for my meal that night and for my hotel. I told him, “You don’t have to do this, I’m not your kid,” and he’s like “No, I want to make sure that you can stay here as long as you need to.”

Jaena: So far, so good.

Kelley McCord: Wait for it…

2 Days to No Contact

Mini-Me Throws a Tantrum

Kelley McCord: The next day we were supposed to go to the Funeral Home, I guess it’s called. It was to see Jimmy one last time before he was cremated. I remembered how traumatized I was at seeing my stepfather in his casket, and so I just didn’t want to with Jimmy. So, I texted them real early that morning and I said, “You know, I’m not up for this. I want to remember Jimmy how I remember him.” No response. So then later we meet up at Jimmy’s ex wife’s house.

Jaena: Just you, Egg Donor, and Mini-Me for now?

Kelley McCord: Yeah, and Mini-Mini says, “It was real f***ed up how you didn’t show up for that.” So I told him, I don’t want to see my brother on a slab. I think I’m well within my rights to do that. If nobody else was there and I had to do it, of course I would have done it. But you and Egg Donor were there, so I didn’t need to do this.

And then Egg Donor speaks up and she goes, “Well, I’m just happy to know that we were here for Jimmy until the very end. Obviously, that was a dig at me and I was just like, Okay, good for you.

Jaena: This, coming from the very same mother who has shown no emotion all this time?

Kelley McCord: Yep.

Jaena: Just checking.

Mini-Me Throws Another Tantrum

Kelley McCord: Then later in the day, Jimmy’s dad and siblings show up. So, we’re all talking about the previous night and how we all hung out together at the steakhouse bar. Well, Mini-Me and Egg Donor didn’t know that because, why would they? It wasn’t a planned event. So, they hear how we all hung out and they are super p***ed! Of course, Egg Donor could never confront anyone with real stuff, so Mini-Me comes over to us. He says, “You know, it’s really f***ed up that you guys didn’t invite us. It would have been really nice for the whole family to be together for Jimmy.” And then he just really starts going off.

So, I said, “I don’t know where you guys ate last night but this is what happened to me. I was sitting by myself and they showed up. It was just a coincidence and we all hung out because of it, no big deal.” And I asked him, “Did you guys want to get dinner tonight? Is that what you’re you’re after?

And then Mini-Me said, “No, we don’t want to hang out with you guys because clearly, you don’t want to hang out with us.”

Jaena: It still amazes me, how swiftly he went from no contact with Egg Donor to becoming her henchman in what, two days?

Egg Donor Throws a Tantrum

Kelley McCord: Anytime we’d be talking about anything, Egg Donor and Mini-Me would be off to the side saying things like, “We took care of everything for everybody,” or “We found this and you guys didn’t even look for anything.” But we were doing everything to try and pull ourselves together. We weren’t thinking of looking for anything.

Jaena: The more we’re overwhelmed by our emotions, like grief, the harder it is to think clearly. For whatever reason, Egg Donor and Mini-Me were not overwhelmed by grief. Therefore, they were thinking clearly. It’s just amazing how they failed to understand everyone else’s emotional state of mind.

Kelley McCord: At some point, we were like, do you need help with that? Or, you didn’t tell us to go look for anything so how were we supposed to know? And every time, it was, “Oh well, Mini-Me and I took care of it, (or) we are taking care of it.” And so, we were just like, Okay…and just backed off.

So then Egg Donor starts constantly talking about how much it cost to have Jimmy cremated, and reminding everyone of all the work she’s done.

Jaena: Let me guess. By now, everyone is starting to tune her out, particularly since making it clear that she wants no one’s help.

Kelley McCord: Exactly! So, as soon as Jimmy’s dad and siblings left, Egg Donor started throwing a fit. She said “Jimmy’s dad hasn’t even offered to help pay for half. This is his son and he should really contribute.” Just on and on and on.

Jaena: “2 Days to No Contact” should have been titled A Day of Tantrums instead.

1 Day to No Contact

“Then she just said, ‘Oh,’ and stuffed it in her wallet. She didn’t say thank you or anything.”

Kelley McCord: The next morning I picked up donuts and coffees for everybody, and then I went to the ATM and I pulled out half of whatever the bill was for Jimmy’s cremation. Then I get to Jimmy’s ex-wife’s house and everyone is there and they jump on the donuts and everything. And then I hand Egg Donor this wad of cash and she’s in shock and starts getting accusatory on me. She said, “What’s this?” And I said it’s…whatever the amount was. Then she said, “Who is this from?” And I said, it’s from me. Then she asked me, “What is this for?” And I told her it’s to pay for half of Jimmy’s cremation and that I’m more than happy to help contribute. She asked me if this was from Jimmy’s dad, and I reminded her, No, it’s from me. I just went to the ATM.

Jaena: Nice interrogation!

Kelley McCord: Then she just said, “Oh,” and stuffed it in her wallet. She didn’t say thank you or anything.

“Egg Donor asked me where I worked, and I told her. She said, ‘Oh, I’ve never heard of it.’”

Kelley McCord: Later, it was just me, his ex-wife, his kids, Egg Donor, and Mini-Me sitting around the table. Egg Donor asked me where I worked, and I told her. She said, “Oh, I’ve never heard of it.” Well, I know she’d heard of it because this was one of the big companies in that tiny town. It was just another attempt at trying to diminish anything that I was doing. So, when she said it, I laughed and said, “Really? The largest tech company in the entire town and you’ve never heard of it?” And she was like, “No, I haven’t,” and then I just said, “Okay well, that’s weird but whatever.”

Jaena: First, for her to even have to ask you that question really shows how low your contact was with her. Second, funny how all this time, she never thought of asking until you presented her with money. But you know what? I admire your resiliency when she attempted to diminish you. Most of us would have felt the sting of such words.

Kelley McCord: I don’t give a f*** about her or Mini-Me. I’m not worried about anything they’re going to say because I’ll just say something back.

Jaena: Classic Fight Type. I love it!

“She said, ‘You know it’s not a secret that Jimmy and I didn’t get along.'”

Kelley McCord: So, by mid-day, Jimmy’s dad and two siblings left and went back home. Then I just straight up asked Egg Donor, “How come you’ve not been upset over Jimmy? How come you’re not crying?” And I will remember this quote, probably forever. She said, “You know it’s not a secret that Jimmy and I didn’t get along.” I was like, That’s her excuse for not crying? Looking back, that was my final true point of 100% going no contact, never contacting her again, or responding. It’s like, Okay, your son died. Your first born son and you’re not even upset because you guys didn’t get along. So, to me, I think that was the final moment.

Jaena: But I understand you didn’t leave for home right away?

Kelley McCord: I was going to leave, I was getting so p***ed off! But that’s when Jimmy’s ex-wife was like “No no, it’s getting late. Stay here and just don’t talk to her.” She was really sweet. Plus, I got to spend more time with my nieces, so I stayed.

No Contact!

Kelley McCord: Early the next morning, I was getting ready to leave. All of a sudden, Egg Donor is saying how she wants a relationship with me. So, I told her if she wants to have any possible relationship, that I was not looking for an apology but I wanted her to admit that she wasn’t a good mom. I gave her a couple of examples. Like, she would drag me by my hair down the hallway and throw me into my room when she was mad at me.

Jaena: She also isolated you from your biological father for eighteen years.

Kelley McCord: And her response was, “I just I don’t remember that.” It wasn’t even anything like, Oh, I’m sorry – of course not! It was just, “Well, I don’t remember that happening.”

Jaena: Disordered parents always play selective amnesia! Do they really expect their child victims to just play along and pretend it never happened?

Kelley McCord: And then I was pretty much like, “Look, if you’re not able to admit to things, there’s no possibility of having a relationship.” Then she told me that I need to move on and just forget the past, look to the future. And I was just like, “No, the future is not going to include you,” and I pretty much just got in my car and left.

Kelley’s Epilogue

Jaena: First, as an overall recap of your saga, you really experienced multiple deaths of good people in just a few years. Your stepfather at age 21, then both your paternal grandparents not too long after you had finally reconnected with them, and then your brother, Jimmy.

Kelley McCord: I spent a good solid five years in there with just incredible depression. I felt lost, I felt like an orphan.

Jaena: Interesting how you say you felt like an orphan before you went no contact with “Egg Donor.”

Kelley McCord: Hah yep! Absolutely. That’s how bad she was at ever being a real mom. I had been talking to my biological dad but his current wife at the time wasn’t the nicest most caring person. So, she definitely got into the middle of our relationship. I was just kind of cutting everybody off. It was just like, why wake up, what is the point of this? Life is terrible.

Jaena: And then you experienced a true mother…

Kelley McCord: Maureen. I went home…home to her house after everything that happened with Jimmy. I told her all about it and she couldn’t believe a “mother” could ever be like that. She was super supportive of me cutting Egg Donor off.

A Period of Major Transitions

Jaena: How did Maureen enter your life? Or, better put, how did you enter her life?

Kelley McCord: I was living with a boyfriend and he came home one day and was just like, “Pack up your stuff. I don’t love you anymore.” So, I was in the range of being homeless, I didn’t have any money in savings, I was about to start a new job in like, 3 days or something. I had nowhere to go, I had no family, and I actually called up my friend Ed, who I had known since I was probably about 20 or 21. I knew that he lived in town with his mom (Maureen). I’ve known him and his mom for years and they were always very nice people. So, I asked him if I could stay in one of their guest rooms because I didn’t know what else to do. He talked to his mom and she said yes.

Jaena: How long was this before you lost Jimmy?

Kelley McCord: Just two or three months.

Jaena: Wow, you were lucky she was in your life while you were going through something like that.

Kelley McCord: I cried to Maureen I don’t know how many times and she was the first one who ever gave me that warm motherly embrace. You know where you just feel like you could be 50 years old and still feel like you’re 10 years old in your mom’s arms? That’s her. Even to this day, when I visit, she makes sure to have root beer in the fridge because she knows it’s my favorite.

New Beginnings

Kelley McCord: Not too long afterwards, I put in a transfer to another office that we had in North Carolina. I wanted to get the furthest away from that town with Egg Donor and Mini-Me as I could. So, I packed up my car and moved across the country.

Then maybe a year or so later, I went online dating and I found my now husband. He was going through a divorce with his daughter’s mom who also has borderline personality disorder. So, I understood who she was real quick and helped him kind of see who she really was so that she could stop manipulating him. He has very nice, wonderful parents who have accepted me and have been so sweet and generous. We got married after about two years or three years of dating, had a beautiful wedding, and Maureen and Ed walked me down the aisle.

Then we had our miracle baby. He was supposed to be born in July but he decided to come 10 weeks early. Now he’s two and a half and he’s amazing. Looking at him now, you would have no idea he was ever a preemie, that he was ever under four pounds. He’s my absolute pride and joy and for years, I was so worried about becoming a mother. I just didn’t want to be like Egg Donor. I didn’t want to turn into that. But when I had him and the moment they put him on my chest, I knew that was impossible. I love him so much that I could never do anything remotely close to what Egg Donor has done to me. But that’s my wonderful, beautiful life. You can absolutely recover from absolutely anything.