Covert Abuse: 7 Types You Need to Know

Covert Abuse is sneaky because it’s “legal” ways to get away with abusing the targeted person, as opposed to Overt Abuse, which can be illegal, but unfortunately, not in most cases. While covert abuse can remain just that, it shouldn’t be underestimated. After all, overt abuse is typically the result of covert abuse that has escalated.

While all of these abuses can be found in world-wide cultures, this article addresses what it looks like in intimate relationships, as well as in child abuse, itself. How it begins in covert stage, what it looks like as it escalates into overt abuse, and the lasting effects it has on the child and partner’s psyche, long after it’s over. While the different types of abuses can often be co-morbid with the other types, the purpose of this is to show each in its most “pure” state so that you can name what it is that has happened to you or is happening to you now.

The key here is tuning into and listening to your feelings and body sensations that will cue you in. I have provided some of the most common emotions and body sensations to look for in these situations. The very sensations that are there to validate you so that you can either start healing from your past or escape your current situation.

Emotional:

(shame, loneliness, self-abandonment type urges)

This is also known as emotional neglect; emotional needs are disregarded by one’s caretaker or partner. This type of abuser is emotionally immature and too caught up in themselves to stop and consider the needs of those closest to them. It is the root cause behind one’s false belief that one’s trauma is minor compared to others, not because one’s needs were consistently neglected. It’s because those times that one’s needs were actually attended to, it was delivered with at least one confession of self-sacrifice, coupled with expectations of gratitude out of proportion to the deed, itself.

Emotional Neglect escalates into Emotional Abuse when one’s needs are met with contempt. What the emotionally immature abuser wants is to be mirrored, even though, especially where childcare is concerned, it’s supposed to be the other way around. Remember that this type of abuser is self-absorbed due to their emotional immaturity. So emotional abuse can be triggered by simply attending to the needs of someone else, for a change. This is the part where they spew Projection (Trauma Glossary 1); accusing you of being selfish, uncaring, always only thinking of yourself, ungrateful, among other things the emotional abuser is actually guilty of.

The lasting effects of emotional abuse:

• Minimizing one’s own trauma via over-comparing. “I didn’t have it nearly as bad as…” or “What I went through was nothing compared to…” (Please note that this language happens so frequently, that I made an official rule in my group against minimizing your trauma. You won’t start to heal until you fully own what happened to you, friend.)
• Struggle to understand one’s own emotional needs.
• Invalidating one’s trauma by making excuses for the emotional abuser.
• People pleasing, due to the victim internalizing the projections spewed by the emotional abuser. What lies in the core of the people pleaser is the fear of being selfish and must therefore, overcompensate through self-abandonment. (Self-abandonment is in Trauma Glossary 2)

Financial/Education:

(options blocked; feeling inferior; helpless, forced dependency)

Where the spouse or partner is concerned, the financial abuser maintains control over finances, from determining how the money is spent, coercion into overspending, or simply withholding resources. For the child, it’s the thwarting of one’s education and/or basic life skills: causing the child to miss enough days to fall behind in school; denying the child extracurricular activities that can help them grow into a more well rounded person; failure to teach the child basic life skills, such as maintenance or balancing the budget.

It’s important to note that the financial abuser wants to keep their victim/s bound to them, for what lies in the core of this abuser is extreme possessiveness. This is why they are not above harassing you at work: excessive phone calls, emails, or demanding you leave work right away to attend a so-called emergency. Their so-called love language is material gifts, which is anything but a gift in the truest sense. The “gifts” from the financial abuser are used as leverage, usually at the first perceived threat of being abandoned or neglected by their victim.

As Financial Abuse escalates…

Where the child is concerned, there can be a sudden demand for “paying rent”, particularly when the child gets their first job. Continued education can also be met with sudden so-called setbacks, especially if the child has (often intentionally) chosen an out of state college. Escaping from the clutches of this sort is tricky, because they don’t relinquish control of anything once they get their hands on it.

I have never heard of a financial abuser who allowed their targeted person to just go quietly. They start to call in on the debt you owe them, because those gifts, of course, came with strings attached. They have a knack for dragging out the court system as long as they can, especially when it concerns money they owe you, or even going broke in the process of dragging out a divorce proceeding. How dare you take their possession away from them! That possession, of course, is you.

When Abuse becomes Overt…

The good news is, this type of abuse actually is illegal and therefore, you can file criminal charges, just make sure you document everything! As I said, escaping from the clutches of this sort is tricky. The victim who’s trying to escape usually does so by saving and hiding money. If the financial abuser discovers this stash or secret bank account before the victim has a chance to escape, it can escalate into any or all types of abuse: from confiscating the stash, to verbal raging, or physical violence. Also included here is the destruction of property, because if the financial abuser can’t keep it, no one can.

As the covert abuser isn’t above harassing you at work, their overt side is triggered once they know you’re determined to escape. This can turn into a smear campaign (or Distortion Campaign in Trauma Glossary 1) against you to your boss and/or coworkers. Illegal financial abuse of the child can be particularly devastating, from squandering the child’s inheritance from a grandparent or close relative, to committing identity theft. There are those who, upon entering adulthood and trying to establish credit for the first time, discovered that their credit had been ruined years ago by parents who had opened up credit cards under their own child’s name.

The lasting effects of financial abuse:

• The classic miser, who is hyper-vigilant (Trauma Glossary 2)  over money and watches every cent. What lies in the core of this trauma response is a scarcity fear on a primitive level. The miser can easily panic or worry incessantly over small financial losses.
• The compulsive spender who was “spoiled” only in the financial sense. As the financial abuser’s love language was material gifts, so the compulsive spender knows this as the only form of self-care.
• Ultra Independence due to the fear of being indebted to anyone who assists them. What lies in the core of this trauma response are specific trust issues that I refer to as the Checks and Balances mentality. It’s the belief that everything comes with a price because this is what the financial abuser has taught the ultra independent. Therefore, this one has difficulty believing in those who give without expecting anything in return.

Mental:

(muscle tension, held breath, confusion, fear)

*Special note: setting boundaries, teaching children values and that inappropriate behaviors have consequences is good parenting, NOT mental abuse. What’s described here is the type of abuse that’s cloaked under the illusion of “teaching values”*

The most covert of all, particularly if other covert abuses are either absent or kept to a minimum. This type is equal parts controlling and gaslighting (Trauma Glossary 1). This is the parent or partner who rarely raises their voice so that their demands for “what’s good for the household” is delivered with kindness. The mental abuser has trust issues with other people’s boundaries and tends to make the worst assumptions. For example: Wanting to talk on the phone in privacy is met with questions by the abuser, who wonders if you have something to hide; Spending more than the perception of “enough time” grooming may cause the abuser to question the victim’s vanity or attention-seeking issues.

Escalates into Overt: Speaking up against this is often (and easily) met with resistance by the mental abuser, who challenges the victim to Name what it is that’s off. The abuse has run on such a subliminal level, that it’s hard for the victim to find the words. If the victim does find a word or two, classic gaslighting language immediately ensues. Over time, those “questions” the mental abuser had in covert state, turn into full-blown accusations. The mental abuser now “knows” that you have something to hide and will therefore go through your personal belongings relentlessly in order to “confirm” and exploit. The mental abuser is not above reading their child’s diary.

Lasting effects of mental abuse:

• Gaslighting one’s own self: Doubting one’s own intuition by using typical gaslighting language on one’s own self. For example: “I’m being stupid/paranoid” or “I’m imagining things” being most common. No matter how often one’s intuition was proven correct, there tends to be that lingering self doubt. Gaslighting environments tend to produce ongoing trust issues with one’s own self.
• Toxic Shame (Trauma Glossary 2)
• Isolation: When one’s privacy was constantly invaded, it amplifies the emotional need for it, especially when one was never told they had any right to set boundaries.
• Crisis of identity: Never allowed to discover one’s true self, those who leave the mental abuser are often shocked by how little they really know about themselves. (Tools for Identity/Self-discovery are in Master Toolbox 1.)

Physical:

(extreme dread, ongoing pain/discomfort, held breath, fear, activated freeze response)

*special disclaimer* Honest mistakes happen! What’s referred to here is when those “mistakes” are so consistent, it’s better defined as habitual.

Routinized caretaking of child without any care taken to minimize the pain it’s causing the child. Most common examples are: Mercilessly brushing the child’s hair without bothering to create enough slack to prevent scalp pain; washing the child’s hair without bothering to shield the face from soap in the eyes or periods of sputtering for breath when the water gets into the child’s nose and/or mouth.

Also included is verbal raging, slamming of doors, punching walls, purposely destroying objects, all of which are displays of violence without touching people or animals. Where the partner or spouse is concerned, it’s “affection” which causes pain. Some examples are squeezing one’s hand too tightly, causing pain during intimacy without remorse, or the sort of “playing” that causes bodily harm.

Escalates into Overt: The so-called caretaking of the child described above is really just a form of Baiting (Trauma Glossary 1). When the child gets scared while sputtering for breath during bath time, or cries “Ow!” while their hair is being brushed, it’s enough for the physical abuser feel justified to utilize its arsenal of overt abuses: Emotional (“Stop being such a baby!”); Physical, such as hitting the child for not being still enough; Mental, which in this case, is what I refer to as their Victim Blame Game, because they refuse to take responsibility for their violent behavior.

Lasting effects of physical abuse:

• Easily startled
• Hyper-vigilance (Trauma Glossary 2) easily triggered by witnessing violence, such as news, horror movies, road rage or verbal confrontations.
• Submissiveness due to a fear of confrontations. It’s a failure to assert one’s needs or set a boundary due to the ongoing consequences one endured in physical abuse.

Sexual:

(feeling dirty, icky, flesh crawling sensations)

Where the child is concerned, this is also known as Emotional Incest. All the abuses described are violations of boundaries in some form. Covert Sexual abuse takes that boundary violation to a whole new level. No physical lines are ever crossed but boundaries are completely eroded. It’s the denial of any right to privacy, including the child’s own body. Some of the most common examples are: parent habitually undressing in front of child; parent expecting child to undress in front of them; constant uncomfortable/inappropriate comments on the child’s developing body. Forcing the child into the role of the parent’s therapist by oversharing information that’s inappropriate for the child’s age, such as confiding marriage problems or sharing details of their sex life with the child. Also common is watching sexual themed movies together.

The sexual abuser despises boundaries just as much as the mental abuser. The difference is, while the mental abuser is fueled by trust issues, what lies in the core of the sexual abuser is the demand for extreme Enmeshment (Trauma Glossary 1). The sexual abuser wants its victim’s identity to become that of the sexual abuser. The sexual abuser wants to be a part of every aspect of its victim’s life: the so-called “favorite person”, which is better defined as Primary Attachment Figure (also in Trauma Glossary 1).

Where the spouse or partner is concerned, covert sexual abuse is also known as Sexual Coercion or Non-consensual Sex, which is any method of non-physical force being used for unwanted sex. Or, as I prefer to call it, Legal Rape. Some general examples are: waking up to painful penetration; being manipulated, pressured, tricked; verbally threatened. If you ever watched Dallas reruns, J.R. Ewing’s character often blackmailed women into having sex with him, including his own wife. In other words, he was a legal serial rapist. It goes without saying that this type of partner only cares about pleasing their own self.

Lasting effects of sexual abuse:

• Vulnerable target for sexual predators, pedophiles, overt rapists. Due to never being taught that we all have the right to set boundaries on our own bodies, the victim of covert sexual abuse has a harder time understanding when they are in the presence of a potentially dangerous situation.
• Emotional flashbacks (Trauma Glossary 2) of feeling disgusting or dirty.
• Hates being touched
• Attract partners who commit legal rape more often than consensual sex

Social:

(dread, embarrassment, shame, betrayal, shock)

At their most “innocent”, the social abuser can appear to be a hopeless gossip type. While gossiping is a form of social abuse in itself, it’s important to note that the social abuser is on a specific mission: to isolate their target from others. What lies in the core of this type of abuser is extreme jealousy and a determination to destroy that which they covet most: you. In the covert stage, the social abuser wants their targeted person to themselves and therefore, anyone who connects with their target poses a threat.

The social abuser will often “confide” what others think of you, things that were either taken out of context or blatant lies. Some common examples: “They were all looking at you like you were stupid when you said/did…” or “That person you like was talking about you.” The social abuser will top it off by sharing distorted stories about others to you. All because the social abuser wants to see you depending on them exclusively.

Social Abuse escalates…

Where the spouse or partner is concerned, it’s ultimatum time. It’s always the same script: “You need to decide right now, them, or me?” If you choose the social abuser over your friends, you’re in for the same erosion of self-worth that the social abuser inflicts on the child. (Don’t become an Enabler Parent. I ruthlessly attacked that type in Trauma Glossary 1.) Once the isolation stage is achieved, the social abuser will, in each group setting (always in your company, of course, if you chose the social abuser over your friends), be sure and make at least one insulting aside against you. All in jest, of course, though it will happen more frequently and with more venom each time.

Where the child is concerned, the social abuser doesn’t have to manipulate their target into isolation. Instead, they abuse their parental authority in order to curb their child’s social life as often as possible. All they have to say is No whenever a child wants to visit, talk to, or text a friend. In which case, the child is unable to develop one’s social identity through the natural practice of social skills and etiquette. Experience that can only be learned via connecting with different types of people one’s own age. Sadly, the social abuser further destroys the child’s social identity by “confiding” all of the negative opinions everyone else supposedly has.

Social Abuse becomes Overt: Distortion Campaign (Trauma Glossary 1) begins against you. That which the social abuser most coveted is the very thing they most envied while in covert stage. The social abuser targeted you because you had whatever trait they lacked and they wanted it for themselves. Upon realizing they can’t get it by isolating you, they then choose to destroy it.

Lasting effects of social abuse:

• Social Anxiety (Trauma Glossary 2)
• Trust Issues: The longer the social abuse, the more guarded one becomes against threatening betrayals.
• Poor Self-esteem: This is due to the social abuser learning your most vulnerable parts and using them against you. Who wouldn’t have an eroded self-esteem from that? Just remember that you were targeted out of jealousy and repeat it to yourself like a mantra.
• Isolation: One unfortunate consequence where trauma is concerned, what’s done to us, we often end up doing to ourselves.

Spiritual:

(self-doubt, guilt, shame, fear, confusion, isolated, loneliness, reluctant conformity)

This type of abuser is a black and white thinker with rigidly stubborn beliefs. While religious beliefs are certainly the most common, so are political beliefs, as well as the distortion and weaponizing of what’s “morally correct”. The spiritual abuser is both self-righteous and a hypocrite, but not everyone can see through the veneer of their superficial charm.

The spiritual abuser has no sense of identity, apart from knowing deep down that he or she is bad. It’s for this reason that the spiritual abuser clings to their beliefs like a life raft, infusing their very sense of self with those beliefs. Therefore, anyone who disagrees with the spiritual abuser is, in their mind, attacking their core self. The amount of danger the spiritual abuser poses is directly proportionate to the amount of power they are given.

Spiritual abuse escalates in the home…

Think in terms of a cult, because the only difference between a cult leader and a spiritually abusive parent is the size of the audience. Children are vulnerable targets and when no one is around to put the spiritual abuser in check, the abuser is free to abuse its power. The spiritual abuser will use their beliefs to justify any number of the other abuses. The fear of punishment or neglect is enough to silence the voices of anyone who disagrees. The spiritual abuser is a natural at brainwashing and soul murder, (Trauma Glossary 1) both of which involve the complete breakdown of the human spirit without leaving any bruises.

Spiritual abuse becomes Overt: The more support the spiritual abuser has – whether it’s fellow believers of the same doctrine, or naïve friends of the abuser – the more dangerous it can be to escape. The spiritual abuser is capable of rallying their supporters into righteous anger, which is a recipe for the classic mob mentality, or even ritual abuse.

Lasting effects of spiritual abuse:

• Soul Death (Trauma Glossary 2)
• Weak sense of identity: “I don’t even know who I am,” is often the result of one who’s trauma included having one’s sense of self constantly eroded. (Tools for Identity/Self-discovery can be found in Master Toolbox 1.)
• Sense of being a step or two behind everyone else develops out of living under consistent confusion while one’s natural curiosity was thwarted.
• Vicious Inner Critic (Trauma Glossary 2)