Debunking Their “Just Abuse” Argument: Affirmations to the C-PTSD Community

The Cluster B‘s (Trauma Glossary 1) are now demanding we stop calling it borderline or narcissistic abuse (because it’s a “mental illness”) and instead, call it “just abuse”. If you think for one minute, honoring this latest campaign will end their internet abuse, think again.

I come from the pre-language days of the ’90’s and I can confirm what a disaster it was. Attempting to stand in one’s truth went one of two ways. 1) Trailing off into silence after a sentence or two, because explaining without having specific language for it is too daunting. 2) Attempt to spew the full autobiography of eighteen years inside hell itself and hope you don’t lose your audience in the process.

The latter was a painful attempt in itself. Not only was the narrator forced to relive each trauma, but the risk of not being believed or worse, invalidated, was forever in the back of their mind. Children of adverse homes have always been surrounded by a unique community of victim shamers. Especially if they carry any ounce of resentment against “their own parents”.

Family-First Shamers on the Internet:

Eminem was blasted for rapping about the hell he endured by the hands of “his own mother”. In 2014, just before mother’s day, an article was published that announced he had just made up with his mother. To this very day, I regret reading the comments that were flooded by the ignorant. Family-first shamers (defined in community shamers) making derogatory comments that ranged from “He sure has a lot of making up to do for all those years he trash talked his own mother” to “He made those stories up about her, anyway.”

Christina Crawford was attacked by a swarm of hate mail when she published Mommy Dearest. Fans of Joan Crawford failed to wrap their tiny brains around the concept of an actress who was a child abuser in real life. I’ve seen comments from the ignorant who, in their quest to keep Joan Crawford’s image holy, have debunked Christina’s entire narrative with “She only wrote that book because her mom left her out in the will.”

The very stunt that Joan Crawford pulled in her will is the red flag in itself, however. Consider, for just a moment, what kind of a mother would leave behind such hurtful last words to their own child? Joan Crawford’s die-hard fans refuse to consider this argument. I can’t help but wonder, how many children of abusive celebrities are too afraid of speaking out because they’ve seen what’s been said both to and about Christina Crawford.

Invalidation Continues by the So-Called “Experts”

Funny how the abusers’ allies have led the charge on “ending the stigma” on Cluster B’s while ignoring the ongoing stigma that surrounds the children of adverse homes. Where progress could have been made on ending the stigma against abuse survivors, the internet gaslighters (defined in A history lesson on the rise of the abuser’s culture) have chosen to empower the abusers. The abusers’ allies have led us to believe that we are supposed to consider the feelings of our abusers. Yet they ignore the fact that the abusers have no consideration for how we feel.

“Practice separating the person from the disorder” is being thrown in our face. Articles written for us, concerning the lasting effects of being raised by a Cluster B open with a three paragraph apologia to the Cluster B’s, themselves, before the author finally gets around to addressing their targeted audience. We are being encouraged to change our behavior in order to meet the needs of those who have the behavioral problems.

Their Laughable “Armchair Diagnosis” Argument:

The “armchair diagnosis” argument is being thrown around as a means of invalidating those who never had a chance at an “official” diagnosis, purely because their Cluster B parents refused to seek therapy. Well, you don’t have to be a meteorologist to know that a storm is brewing from looking at the sky. Or, to quote Dr. Palmatier, “You don’t have to be an ornithologist to identify a duck.” If these analogies are not enough to debunk the armchair diagnosis argument, check out the Cluster B’s failures at practicing what they’re preaching.

The abuser’s culture continually debunks every psychologist in a crime documentary who diagnoses the criminal as a Cluster B. Don’t believe me? Hop over to YouTube, concerning a crime documentary on a woman named Theresa Knorr and read the comments. The psychologist not only diagnosed Knorr with Borderline Personality Disorder, but backed it up with the criteria which matched her behaviors.

This is their typical reaction. As a matter of fact, where YouTube is concerned on any topic concerning Cluster B’s, I’ve learned to read the comments before deciding whether or not said video is worth my time. If the Cluster B’s are attacking the video, chances are, it’s a truth telling video. When the Cluster B’s are singing the video’s praises, I know it’s a gaslighting (Trauma Glossary 1) video and I won’t waste my time on it.

There’s a blaring contradiction going on today in TV and movies where this whole “armchair diagnosis” argument is concerned. Unlikable characters, from the 1986 film, Fatal Attraction, to Kassidy’s character in Shameless have been “armchair diagnosed” by the Cluster B community. Despite how none of the aforementioned characters were diagnosed in the show, the Cluster B community not only recognized their own traits in the characters, but also took offense by how they were portrayed.

Do you see where this is leading yet? If we give them what they are currently demanding, calling it “just abuse”, they will assume even more control over our narrative in the future. Imagine, telling your story and getting attacked and shut down anyway, all because you provided enough detail that describes the criteria of the Cluster B you were raised by. That’s coming, and it will only get worse…

A Victim Blaming Classic…

Speaking of Fatal Attraction, there exists articles right now, written by the abusers’ allies, who have reinterpreted that movie. Talk about your classic victim blaming maneuver! According to such articles, the true villain was Dan Gallagher (played by Michael Douglass) because he cheated on his wife with Alex Forrest (played by Glenn Close).

While I’m certainly not condoning infidelity, it’s a deplorable argument geared towards absolving the accountability of the one who was (in this case, Alex/played by Glenn Close) “wrongfully portrayed as the villain.” The stalking of innocent parties, which included kidnapping the daughter and boiling the family bunny, in no way justifies doing so just because she was a jilted one-night stand.

And Cue in the Apologists:

Remember when I defined the apologist (Defined in last week’s article) as going along with whoever has the loudest voice of the moment? There’s been a gradual uptick in apologists supporting the very articles I just described. The comments on “poor Glenn Close’s character” concerning her “tragic” death at the end of the film: “She was just sick and needed some help.”

All I can say is, Wow, I’m sure glad these are fictional characters. Otherwise, I could only imagine how the wife and child would feel. People actually think they should have had more consideration for the stalker’s feelings while their lives were in danger??

And yet, this isn’t far from becoming our future too. Imagine, telling your story, only to be invalidated by an apologist who tells you the very same thing. “Your parents were just sick and needed some help,” without any consideration for the help you needed when you were a defenseless child, much less the help you require as an adult survivor in processing your trauma.

Clarity + Validation = Healing

In order to start healing, both clarity and validation must be established. This means naming the type of abuse that happened to us. Knowing that we were “just abused” is not enough for processing our trauma. Calling it “just abuse” is certainly not enough for standing against the onslaught of the community shamers.

My Mother, the Psychopath: Growing Up in the Shadow of a Monster by Olivia Rayne is a perfect demonstration of this. To anyone who reads this, notice all of the confused years the daughter endured into early adulthood. She knew her mother was “just abusive” but it wasn’t enough for her to understand that she had the right to break free from “her own mother”. Then she got educated on psychopathology. Once she realized that there was a name for her mother: psychopath, she broke free and then finally started to heal.

I’m sure you know of other people’s healing stories that followed this same basic blueprint. (Be sure and add those resources in the comments!) What a shame if such validating language is stolen from us, due to the bastardized term, ableist (covered in last week’s article; there is also a shortened definition in Trauma Glossary 1) being given more power than it deserves.

The Laws: Voices Carry the Power for Change

We have always known of laws that protect abusers. Right now, laws are being passed to protect them even more, while being labeled as Protecting the “Mentally Ill”. This rise in the abuser’s culture has been giving them more of a public voice, while the voices in the CPTSD community are restricted to private groups. While a special note of thanks to those who run real support groups is in order, the internet needs to become a safe enough place for the victims to share their stories publicly.

Your stories have the power to change laws for the better and ensure that future generations are protected against enduring what you have endured. This is why the abuser’s culture is attacking your voices into silence now. They want more laws that enable and protect them.

Radical Acceptance

I have spent the past three weeks naming the all of the assorted victim shamers out there based on this very principle. It’s my belief that when we can name both what they are and what they do, we can validate ourselves and stand against it. While true, it’s a cesspit out there, both in our personal lives and the world-wide web, the way I see it, we have two choices on how to deal with this:

1. Allow this growing trend to invalidate you. Succumb to all the guilt and shame and face the prospect of never healing from your trauma.
   
   
2. Or say No to all the shaming and the gaslighting. Know that your voice matters. Your story matters. What happened to you deserves zero excuses for why it happened. No one has any right to guilt you into wasting your compassion and empathy on those who are not wired for returning the favor.

Don’t waste your precious healing journey on an internet gaslighter, the grifters, or their sub-types: false advocate or narc in sheep’s clothing (defined last week in The Bastardization of Ableism: Complex-PTSD Advocates vs. Grifters). Whenever you see any such article or video by any of the aforementioned, stop watching, stop reading and just keep scrolling.

This action, alone, is opposite in nature to the Cluster B community, who seem to take a perverse pleasure in feeding their rage. This is why I know that every psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, borderline, histrionic and anti-social personality disordered (all of whom are defined in Trauma Glossary 1) person who has looked themselves up and stumbled upon my site, are reading this very article all the way to the end. So I’ll close this with a message to them:

How about instead of attempting to send us back to pre-language days, you, the Cluster B’s practice Radical Acceptance? When we are sharing our stories about our Cluster B parents, we never named YOU specifically, so stop acting like we are. After all, no one would have ever known you were a Cluster B until you started keyboard raging.

And let the hate mail begin…