Depersonalization: The Emotional Flatline

Depersonalization is a deadened emotional state. It’s an abrupt disconnection from the Self because we feel detached from our thoughts, feelings, and our own bodies. We feel like an outside observer watching someone else walking around in our bodies and making decisions for us. And they aren’t always actions we would normally choose, if only we didn’t feel so trapped in a dream-like state. It’s a dissociative disorder that’s often comorbid with derealization, but not always.

Derealization is another dissociative disorder where our surroundings seem unreal. Objects or people can seem a little “off” but we can’t always place our finger on what it is about them. So, Depersonalization is when we feel unreal as a person. Derealization is our perception of what we are seeing (outside the Self) that seems unreal. So, when experiencing both at once, it’s like a double whammy of being plunged inside a waking dream.

The good news is, it is not permanent and no, depersonalization is not a sign you are going crazy. Many have experienced a moment of intense panic followed by depersonalization (or its counterpart, derealization) that lasted minutes or even hours. Then their first question upon reconnecting with the mind and body is, “What the heck was that?” Because it feels downright weird.

The bad news is, depersonalization can stick around for months, sometimes years. This happened to me at age twenty-one. I depersonalized for a year. But this was all the way back in 1995 and I didn’t know there was a name for it, much less tools for recovery. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Depersonalization is a special kind of hell. But fortunately, we know so much more today than we did in 1995.

What Causes Depersonalization or Derealization?

High stress is the culprit. A panic attack can trigger depersonalization or derealization momentarily. But a traumatic event, like a car accident or the sudden loss of someone close to us can trigger it to stick around longer. So can compounded stress. For example, excessive anxiety over more than just one area of our lives. Or worse, experiencing multiple losses without enough recovery time in between. This is what happened to me at age twenty-one when I depersonalized for a year:

But by 1995, a slew of terrible things shattered my inner landscape. I trusted the wrong people, the manipulators and users. I got financially swindled by my first roommate, my car died, and my credit was shot. Then I got my rejection letter from a major literary agent who told me in plain English that I was a terrible writer with no talent. All these events happened in a matter of months. I was twenty-one years old and I had no inner defenses. It felt like the whole world rejected me in one voice.

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Other symptoms of depersonalization include:

• Distorted sense of time. For example, in my depersonalization year, all those events that triggered it “felt like” they had happened years ago. I knew that they had been recent, but I just couldn’t shake that feeling away.
• Significant drop in energy. I was sleeping fourteen hours a day during this period.
• Brain fog and trouble focusing due to a low attention span. When I was awake and not at work, I sat on the couch watching sitcom reruns. I knew I needed to do something to take back control of my life but I lacked the cognitive ability to form a plan. After everything that happened to me, it all seemed hopeless anyway.

It doesn’t seem fair that a condition triggered by high stress increases anxiety over our own condition. “When will it end? Is this my new forever?” I remember thinking, as each day I was trapped in the same headspace as the day before. Little did I know that my daily worries over my condition was the very thing fueling its longevity.

The Biological Freeze State: The Brain “Passing Out” From Overwhelming Stress

We’ve all heard stories of physical injuries and the pain was so intense, it caused them to pass out. Well, depersonalization is the brain “passing out” from too much stress. And it takes its orders from our nervous system. Just as there’s only so much physical pain we can handle until we either go into shock or pass out, there’s only so much stress our nervous system can bear until it shuts down. And that’s when it tells the brain that it’s too tired for fight or flight. It’s time to freeze.

I’m going to throw a couple of terms at you from Trauma Glossary 3 (here). In section 1 of that glossary, Primitive Brain (“Lizard Brain”), which is the bottom most section of the brain. You will notice that it houses both the Brain Stem (“basic housekeeping”) and the Cerebellum (motor function). This is the section of the brain most activated when we are in the freeze response.

The other term from that same glossary (one more time, it’s here) is in section 2, Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). You will notice that it’s in charge of regulating the Sympathetic Nerve (arousal and the fight or flight response) and the Parasympathetic Nerve (calm, relaxed, and the freeze response).

See where we’re going here? Now let’s take a look at some visual aids. Because in order to escape this hijacked freeze state that depersonalization causes, we must understand what’s going on. The answer lies in our biological science, the core problem itself.

The Brain and Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) Basics

The first visual aid was originally featured in my article, The Vagus Nerve and its VVC and DVC Explained. Its purpose was to show the three major sections of the brain and how each has its own theme. It also shows where in the brain the vagus nerve’s two systems are operating (in blue) and where the ANS’s two nerves are operating (in red). So, for the brain we have, from top to bottom, the Prefrontal Cortex, which is where we make our rational decisions (executive functioning) and also engage with other people.

So, that leaves us with the Parasympathetic Nerve (calm, relaxed) or in a high-stress situation, it becomes our freeze response. It operates in the bottom section of the brain known as Primitive or “Lizard Brain.”

Depersonalization on the Brain and ANS

Now with the same image as before, but this time I added fog. The fog represents where we experience decreased activation in the brain under depersonalization. Just look at all that fog. Over two-thirds of our brain is being affected. Now what do you notice about the ANS?

Silver Linings

Decreased Activation Does NOT Mean Deactivated

There’s a difference between having parts of our brain deactivated versus decreased activation. Rest assured that the parts of the brain trapped in the fog are still working, just at a lowered capacity. For example, in depersonalization we feel unreal but we have enough reality-awareness to know we are real. In derealization, people and objects appear unreal but here again, we have enough reality-awareness to know that our environment is real. These are signs that the rest of the brain is still functioning. Otherwise, we would be trapped inside Primitive or “Lizard Brain” and I’d have used skull and crossbones stamps instead of fog in the above visual aid. (Wink!)

Freeze Response versus Freeze State

We’ve all heard of the “deer in the headlight” look. It’s when someone stares wide-eyed in shock and it’s arguably the very face of the freeze response. How does the deer respond when it sees the headlights of an approaching car? It stares unmoving. In other words, the deer is in the freeze response. Remember what I said earlier about the Lizard Brain being home to the Brain Stem (“basic housekeeping”) and Cerebellum (motor functioning)? Well, in the freeze response, the Brain Stem is over-activated while the Cerebellum is temporarily deactivated. That’s why movement never occurs to us when we are in a freeze response.

Depersonalization is a hijacked freeze state. Despite all the brain fog and feeling like we’re trapped inside a dream, we can still move. Our Cerebellum is still very much online. And therein lies one of the keys to recovery.

Depersonalization: Tools for Recovery

The goal is to increase activation in the top section of the brain without upsetting the mid-section, or “Emotion Brain.”

1-Movement

Check out this science hack. I added the relevant parts of the brain in each section. So, what’s in the top section is in blue, mid-section is in red, and the bottom is in green. The Control Panel is actually two parts of the brain that send and receive information from other parts of the brain that can make or break our executive functioning levels. Notice the connection that’s highlighted below.

So, the key phrase here is active rhythm:

Timekeeper

Motor Timing: Rhythmic exercises, such as drumming, Tai Chi, dance. Even a light sport, such as throwing and catching the ball is good practice because you’re working with hand and eye coordination. If you’re a gaming enthusiast, you’ll love this incentive: certain games that rely on strategic timing on when to aim and fire on the opponent are beneficial; bonus if the game requires rapid use of multiple buttons on your controller. Just don’t justify spending all day gaming because you’re working on your timekeeper. Remember there are two other aspects which need to be worked on, too.

Master Toolbox 2: Creating New Neuropathways

2-Stimulating the Nervous System

Yoga is another way we can practice active rhythm. The Sun Salutation for the win, as it’s part of yoga. The image below is one variant but they all follow the same pattern. Start with the top pose and work your way around clockwise until you return to the original pose. It’s a sequence of poses per breath. Inhale through your first pose, exhale through your second pose, and so on.

The ANS is hugely influenced by our breathing. Inhaling stimulates its Sympathetic Nerve and exhaling stimulates its Parasympathetic Nerve. So, the Sun Salutation uses motor timing in conjunction with mindfulness breathing. It wakes up the nervous system without upsetting it. And not to mention, it’s a great way to make us feel like we’re more in our bodies.

3-Talk it Out and Ask for Help

More science for you. Half of our Vagus Nerve is concerned with social engagement. So is the top part of our brain, where we’re trying to increase activation. High stress follows a chain of command from the top to the bottom part of our brain. Crying for help is the first (Vagus Nerve and top section of the brain). However, when we don’t ask for help or if we don’t see that as an option, that’s when the ANS takes over. And that’s how we move into fight-or-flight (mid-section of the brain) and then freeze (bottom section of the brain).

So, depersonalization is challenging you to ask for help, either with a friend or a therapist. The more we engage and connect with someone, the more we are increasing brain activation. Oh, how I wish I had known this science back in the day when I was going through mine!

4-Stop Feeding It Your Anxiety!

Any other time, we are encouraged to sit with the emotion and validate it. But when depersonalization holds us hostage, it’s the opposite. Golden rule here: anxiety triggered this condition and anxiety will prolong it. If you find yourself anxious or stressed, especially over your condition, distract your mind. Find something else to do and give it your focus. I know it’s unfair because depersonalization is scary the longer it sticks around. But it’s forcing us to practice decompressing and staying calm.

The reason our Parasympathetic Nerve is overactive is because the Sympathetic Nerve got overloaded and it needs time to repair itself. That’s why added stress prolongs it. If we can associate our Sympathetic Nerve with a broken bone, perhaps we can make more peace with saying no to anxiety. After all, we wouldn’t tell anyone with a broken leg that they should go running, would we? So it is for the “crippled” Sympathetic Nerve. It won’t be like this forever. Avoid stimulating it as much as possible so that it can heal.