Escaping coercive control tends to be even more perilous than living in it. For one thing, there’s a science behind the reason we see domestic violence victims return to their abusers several times before they leave for good. If they leave at all. And the other thing is how the abuser tends to pose the greatest threat to their victim when they escape. As someone who is so deeply passionate about raising awareness on coercive control, I wrote a 3500 worded article on the topic, which included citations and other links to further round out our understanding (here), I also know that nothing educates us quite like listening to other people’s lived experiences.
That’s why Taylor, who lives in Canada, is with us again. This time she is sharing her experiences of not only living with, but escaping coercive control. In case you missed her first interview, Taylor and her (non-disordered) partner Don introduced themselves. Both are survivors of abusive partners before finding each other, proving that both life and love exist after escaping coercive control. While Don’s story will be next week, their introductory interview was focused on Taylor’s autism. It laid to rest the latest confusion happening on the internet. “Is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder Trauma Glossary 1) another form of autism?” The answer is despite both autism and BPD being neurodivergent, that’s also where the similarity ends. Taylor and Don discussed the stark contrasts between the two.
Their introductory interview is (here).
Coercive Control Stage 1: The Whirlwind Courtship
Jaena: So, in these types of relationships with the Cluster B disorders, they tend to mask and present this too-perfect image of themselves to hook their victims swiftly. We know this as love bombing (both underline terms in Trauma Glossary 1). Did this happen to you?
Taylor: We were together four years before we married. But we were living together from the get go. I don’t know if he love bombed me – that’s part of the problem with the autism is recognizing what is normal and what isn’t in the infatuation stage of a new relationship. It can be tricky.
Jaena: I see. And from the time you were living together up until your escaping his coercive control, how long were you in this relationship?
Taylor: Thirteen years. I was 21 when we met, and 34 when we split in 2015.
“What traps the autistic person”
Taylor: In the first place, I was so used to reading social things, making mistakes, being told regularly that what I said or did was wrong, and I p***ed someone off without meaning to. Because that is sort of an autistic person’s childhood to early 20s – just us trying to figure out all those things that neurotypicals just know. And so, we’re very used to being told, “You really shouldn’t have done that” or “What you said was really hurtful and you could have said it in a nicer way.”
Then you get with someone who’s a Cluster B and they start telling you the same thing. So, you start thinking Okay, I f***ed up there. And then when you do it the way they wanted it, you’re told that it’s still wrong and that you should have done it the way you did it the first time around. So, you’re like Okay, this must be a complicated social thing that I’m not understanding right. You start tying yourself into knots figuring out how you’re reading these social things wrong, not understanding they’re just moving the goal post constantly and it’s not you. So, that’s what traps the autistic person with someone who is Cluster B.
Coercive Control Stage 2: Gaslighting, Isolation, Intermittent Reinforcement, & Enmeshment
Taylor: So, in the relationship I was always a “whore” and a “slut” because I had slept with people before we met.
Jaena: These were the names he called you?
Taylor: Yes. We had an open relationship in that he could sleep with other women but I couldn’t sleep with anyone because “I was a slut and slept with people before we met and he didn’t”. During that period of our marriage, he was openly on Plenty of Fish [Canadian dating site] and going on dates with women.
Jaena: So, he had the open relationship but you did not. I swear, Cluster B disorders use the strangest logic for justifying themselves. It’s classic gaslighting (Trauma Glossary 1).
Taylor: In my mind – and this is the autism – I do think in my mind: fair is fair. So yeah, I’ve had all these experiences so, he should be allowed to have these experiences too.
Jaena: So, what about his adult temper tantrums? Cluster B disorders can’t regulate their emotions, which is one of many reasons they are labeled as erratic and irrational.
Physical abuse does NOT have to mean beating someone.
Taylor: Throughout the relationship, he would have violent rages. They would start with screaming, name calling and tantrums. The first time I saw it was when we bought the farm and hadn’t closed yet. (We bought it in 2006, a year before we married.) He tore up the contract (not that that actually changed anything) saying that we wouldn’t get the farm if I didn’t submit to whatever his wish was at the time. That should have been a red flag of the type of person I was dealing with, but….
Those violent outbursts would get worse as time went on. I got really good at patching holes in drywall. It’s a good thing he has small hands LOL. (Sorry, bad joke. I just try to make light of things to help me deal). He smashed a bookshelf I got from my dad one time because I didn’t give in to him. He would smash the closet doors – several of them still don’t slide on their tracks anymore.
Coercive Control Stage 3: Fear, Shame, and Destroyed Identity
Jaena: I want to offer you this article and also to my readers. It’s in my opinion, one of the most important articles I’ve written. So many domestic violence victims don’t understand they are being abused just because they aren’t being hit. This article (here) explains the seven different types of covert abuses, how each escalates, and the lasting effects of each abuse. Taylor, what you are describing is covert physical abuse. So far, he hasn’t physically hurt you, but his rages and destruction of property creates just as much fear as being hit.
“It wasn’t that things got better, or he learnt that was wrong and he needed better control. Instead, I learnt to recognize when his rages were escalating and to acquiesce to him.”
Taylor: In two instances, he grabbed me hard enough to leave marks. I don’t remember the details of the one time, but I do remember the other time with clarity.
He came home late at night high on coke. I remember how his jaw just kept working back and forth. Coke is one of my hard lines – no coke. I said I was done and went to leave. He blocked the bedroom door. I pushed through and he grabbed me. Hard. I couldn’t get away from him. He told me I couldn’t leave. He fluctuated between raging and crying while he continued to pin me and not let me leave. I was terrified. I told him I wouldn’t go so that he would calm down and let me go.
The next day, I showed him the bruises on me, and he denied it ever happened. That was the last time he touched me because I learnt to never push him that hard. To never hold my boundaries when he was emotionally dysregulated. It wasn’t that things got better, or he learnt that was wrong and he needed better control. Instead, I learnt to recognize when his rages were escalating and to acquiesce to him. I learnt that when he started to smash walls or furniture, to say I was sorry and hold him and tell him he was right. I learnt to shut down my fear and comfort him as he threatened me so that it wouldn’t get worse. And I learnt that his needs mattered and mine didn’t.
This is Jaena openly addressing the enablers
Jaena: First to Taylor, I highlighted your quote for a reason. Thank you for the wisdom in your statement. “It wasn’t that things got better, or he learnt that was wrong and he needed better control. Instead, I learnt to recognize when his rages were escalating and to acquiesce to him.” There is a hormone called norepinephrine that starts working overtime when we are trapped in an abusive environment. It helps numb our emotions so that our adrenaline isn’t constantly spiking. Otherwise, there would be no survivors of abuse because we would all end up with cardiac arrest. But the problem with norepinephrine numbing our emotions is that it tends to trick us into thinking “things are getting better” or that our abusive environment is “not so bad”.
Notice what Taylor said after her highlighted statement. She learned to apologize for his abusive behavior, tell him that he was right, and that his needs mattered while hers did not. There are domestic violence victims who are working hard at escaping coercive control and Taylor’s wisdom has the power to help them do just that.
And this is why I am calling out the enablers right now. Those of you who are taking to the internet, falsely claiming your success stories as a means of shaming the victims into staying with their abusers, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I was raised by an enabler father and I know exactly how your tiny minds operate. I also know the biological science behind your ignorance. (Here) is your article and also to assure the victims of what’s really going on with enablers, both mentally and medically. Okay, soapbox over. Let’s proceed with Taylor’s story.
Taylor Sets a Boundary
Jaena: So far in your story, you are working hard at maintaining peace by placating his rages and allowing him to cheat while you remain faithful. What starts to change?
Taylor: I turned 30 – and it happens to every woman, your body does a massive change. The biggest mistake someone can do with a Cluster B is being honest. But I said “I’m feeling really unattractive right now, I’m feeling old, and I really am not comfortable with you seeing other people anymore. I wanna shut that open part of our relationship down.” That led to a two-day screaming fight where I was repeatedly called a whore and cruel and abusive because I didn’t want him sleeping with other women. It was one of those fights where you’re not able to go to sleep at night. I’d go to work and he would sleep while I was at work. Then I’d come home and it would start all over again and it was unrelenting.
It was awful but I still held that boundary. In the end, he said he wouldn’t, [sleep with other women] but I doubt very much that he actually stopped. Since I was working so much to pay the bills and support him, he had lots of time to continue seeing people.
Jaena: So, this is four years before you would begin escaping his coercive control. And for the first time in this relationship, you held your position on a boundary. I just want to point out for our readers that this is a typical Cluster B response to a boundary. All Cluster Bs despise boundaries and being held accountable for their irrational behaviors. These types of relationships are like cancer. Early detection is key. Setting boundaries are the fastest means of knowing what you’re dealing with.
Coercive Control Stage 4: The Body’s Ultimatum
Taylor: I started a spiritual journey in 2011 and it was the reason my body started acting up. Committing yourself to growing and healing but staying with your abuser go against each other. I got really skinny. We figured it was an autoimmune of some sort but didn’t know what kind. I did so many tests and got no answers.
Jaena: Stage 4 is when the victim’s body begins to reject the abuser. The body chemicals: dopamine, norepinephrine, cortisol, serotonin, oxytocin, and – if the abuser has been sleep depriving its victim like Taylor’s abuser has – there is also a melatonin deficiency. In the first three stages, these body chemicals are overworking themselves to survive this environment. In stage 4, they have reached that point where they can no longer go on this way. And that’s when the body delivers its ultimatum. “We are escaping coercive control – if not physically, then in a body bag.”
A cortisol imbalance is the most obvious tell. Sudden weight loss is a sign of cortisol deficiency. So are autoimmune disorders and digestive problems, such as irritable bowel syndrome and acid reflux. The body is stuck in learned helplessness. Sudden weight gain is a sign of high cortisol. So is high blood pressure, diabetes, and cancer. The body is stuck in fight-or-flight.
Taylor: When I decided to start working on my growth and healing my body decided it was going to get me away so I could. I just didn’t realize what was happening until after I left him and I rapidly started improving.
And he had the audacity to body shame his victim.
Jaena: So, you told him he wasn’t allowed to cheat – I mean, have a one-sided open relationship with you anymore. You start a spiritual journey, which leads you into stage 4. In your case, it’s the rapid weight loss, a sign of a cortisol deficiency. What else is happening in these final years of your marriage?
Taylor: He would just continually eat at me and eat at the fact that he likes heavy girls and I’m skinny. The reality is if I had been heavy he would have liked skinny girls because I just was not going to be enough. So, I was too skinny and it’s not the type of girl he likes and he’d be pointing out all these heavy girls that he was into.
The woman that caused it all to blow up was my own fault. She was a friend and I brought her into our relationship. We met in 2014. I started hanging out with her and she was heavy. I was like [to her abuser] “You know what, I like her, I trust her. If you want to sleep with her, go ahead.” She moved in with us in early 2015.
“It’s part of how they trap you is by having you do things that you’ll later be ashamed of and embarrassed about.”
Taylor: I don’t know if I was subconsciously looking to sabotage the relationship, if it was coercive control, or what the hell I was thinking at that point. She definitely was not someone I found attractive in any way. I’m glad it happened, as it’s what freed me from the trauma bond (Trauma Glossary 1), but what actually led me to say “you should sleep with her, and she should live with us” …. I don’t know if I will ever know what I was thinking.
It’s part of how they trap you is by having you do things that you’ll later be ashamed of and embarrassed about. It’s why I talk about it openly despite how embarrassing it is. So, I’m not giving him the power of me having a piece of my life that I’m ashamed of. I’m gonna own the fact that this is where I was at and this is what happened. So then I invited her into our relationship as a third person and looking back on it, I was probably manipulated into thinking that was my idea and maybe not. Maybe in my f***ed up mental state it seemed like a good idea.
Jaena: There are a slew of documentaries on Netflix that cover survivors of coercive control. Look up the series on R. Kelley or Jeffrey Epstein. There’s also The Puppet Master and Escaping Twin Flames, just to name a few. In all these documentaries, the survivors talk about being led into doing things they wouldn’t normally do. So, please understand that as much shame as you’re carrying, you’re not alone. Doing things you wouldn’t normally do is an unfortunately normal part of being a victim of coercive control.
Escaping Coercive Control: Taylor Sets Another Boundary
Jaena: So, this woman moves in at the beginning of 2015, the same year you will be escaping your abuser’s coercive control. What’s happening in between?
Taylor: It lasted six or eight months and then I said, “You know what? No, this isn’t working. When we agreed to having her come in, we agreed that if it wasn’t working for either of us, she would go. We were going to sell the farm at the end of 2015 and buy his parents’ farm [8 hours away]. We were in the process of moving there to make it easier to sell my farm when I realized he was still seeing the other woman.
Jaena: Of course he was. She was his new supply.
Taylor: She ended up moving to [8 hours away] as well and not far from his family’s farm. We brought the livestock to [8 hours away]. Before leaving, I asked if he was sure he wanted to stay with me. Or if he needed time to decide. He told me he was done with her along with a bunch of BS about how he thought so little about her, blah blah blah. I got on a bus to head back to [8 hours to home] when I got the inkling he was seeing her…
Escaping Coercive Control: Taylor is D-O-N-E!
Taylor: In the thirteen years that we were together I never checked up on him.
Jaena: Until now, while you’re on the bus.
Taylor: Yeah, I messaged him and I said “Hey, how’s it going?” He said “Great, I’m just at my brother’s house.” I messaged his sister-in-law. She said “I respect you too much to lie to you. He’s not here.” So, I called him and I said “Hey, how’s your brother doing?” He goes “Good, he’s doing really good.” I went “You’re a lying sack of s***! I just spoke to his wife you’re not there.” He was with the other woman and he literally dropped me off at the bus and went straight to her. So, I asked to take a break. This happened November 28, 2015. That date is more important than my birthdate. It’s the day I started living again. By January 2016 I made the decision that I wasn’t going back and my life was better without him.
Jaena: What phenomenal timing! You were due to sell your farm by the end of the year, and November is certainly close to that cutoff point. But instead, you ended up dropping him off eight hours away from you and you kept your farm. In the bizarre string of events, that was the overall outcome.
Taylor: Yup. If I hadn’t caught him, we would have listed the farm and I would have been isolated eight hours from my family.
“I had ended it with him probably five times in the course of the relationship…because he was 8 hours away, I think that’s what made this one stick.”
Taylor: I had ended it with him probably five times in the course of the relationship. The first time I went and spent the night at my friend’s house. The other four times I just slept in my car because I was too embarrassed to go to any one of my friends or family because I knew I was gonna go back. And it’s such a mind f***ery, knowing that you shouldn’t, knowing that it’s dumb of you, and yet you still do.
Because he was 8 hours away, I think that’s what made this one stick. He was far enough away that I could get out of the FOG (Trauma Glossary 2) and having that space and that distance allowed me to finally see what my life was like without him in it. And it was f***ing good and it was easy! I used to think that I couldn’t maintain the farm without him after he was gone. I realized there were no extra chores, there was less work because I didn’t have a man-child in the house, and so yeah, that’s basically how we ended up.
Jaena: And not to mention your healthy weight gain – which you mentioned earlier – that swiftly improved.
Taylor: Oh yes!
The science behind the reason D.V. victims leave several times before they leave for good
Jaena: The body chemicals that I refer to as The Big Five: dopamine, norepinephrine, cortisol, serotonin, and oxytocin are imbalanced while in coercive control. They are reinforcing the abuser’s control over you. It does something else though. It induces codependency, which Ross Rosenberg renamed Self-Love Deficiency Syndrome, and it also induces Anxious attachment style. The activated attachment system – which is a fancy word for separation anxiety – is associated with the anxious attachment. It’s the mania from high dopamine. Only the partner can bring relief to that pain and so, when escaping coercive control, the victim has to work through those dopamine spikes because the other thing the activated attachment system does is it makes you remember those few and far between good memories and forgetting all the bad.
Taylor: What you’re describing makes a lot of sense. When we’re talking about people getting out of these relationships, it’s kind of like comparing someone who’s an alcoholic. You almost have to chaperone them to not run off to that partner again. Also everything you said explains why when I came out of my surgery, [which she mentioned in last week’s article] I so quickly went into that insecure attachment style – which in this relationship [with her current partner, Don] I haven’t been at all – but I went into anxious so quickly when I was in physical trauma. Before [abuser] I was secure. So, it was probably right after the surgery it went back to those thirteen years of of bad neuropathways and then the therapy helped me get back to the neuropathways I’ve worked so hard to cultivate in the last few years.
Taylor’s Epilogue…So Far
Jaena: As usual, your insights blow my mind. I never considered a physical trauma bringing up old pathways from an induced attachment style. But never mind. We are at the end of this particular story. After escaping coercive control on November 28, 2015, what were the next steps you took to dissolve the marriage and keep your farm?
Taylor: Our financial separation was finalized in 2018, where I paid him out the amount he requested. I assumed all our debt, and gave him any assets (car, cattle, heirlooms, etc.) that he requested.
Jaena: Oh dear, I’m going to assume you were so desperate to be rid of him, you didn’t look for a lawyer or legal consultant who specializes in divorcing a narcissist or the other members of the Cluster B variety pack. They are out there and they can save you from allowing them to siphon off more than they deserve.
Taylor: Our divorce wasn’t finalized until 2022, after seven years of separation.
Jaena: Oh, and that is a story for your final installment. But one more thing happened in between your financial separation in 2018 and your divorce in 2022.
Taylor: I met Don in 2019.
Jaena: Your current partner, who was escaping his own coercive control relationship at that time. Next week, we will hear Don’s story.