Online quizzes on “What’s my attachment style?” vary in names. If you’ve scored ambivalent or preoccupied, you have an anxious attachment style. One common misconception with this style is that they are preoccupied with getting into a relationship. When actually, they can come off as one who is confident and independent when they are single. Yet what lies in the core of this one is self-doubt. And “mysteriously,” their insecurities are triggered once they are in a relationship.
Anxious attachment style craves intimacy and needs constant assurance from their partner. They spend a lot of time thinking of their partner and second-guessing themselves. They often feel ashamed of their needs and worry about coming off as too needy or clingy. That’s because anxious style lacks the confidence and self-esteem for a solid foundation.
Two weeks ago, we covered the basics by showing the importance of a secure base for a secure attachment. But Anxious is an insecure attachment style. So, what is their approach to the secure base, and what areas are holding them back from getting their needs met? There are three basic requirements for a secure base that was talked about more in depth in the last article. But here are the cliff notes version:
- Be available by offering comfort and assurance in times of distress.
- Don’t interfere, because if we do that, we are accidentally undermining their confidence in their own abilities.
- Encourage because nothing fortifies our self-esteem better than knowing that someone believes in us.
Anxious attachment style has an overreliance on availability and assurance. But there’s a breakdown where the other two needs are concerned. How can we bolster confidence when there is none to work with? And how can we fortify something that’s absent?
Anxious Attachment Style in a Partnership
Two weeks ago, it was hammered home that for a secure base to work in a partnership, both parties must be willing to practice give and take. In other words, both people meet the three basic requirements for each other. The anxious style is only too eager to act as a secure base for their partner, but they won’t necessarily get back what they put into the relationship. There are three major reasons for this.
First, no confidence and no self-esteem means we have no solid foundation. When we don’t have a solid foundation, we don’t feel worthy of love. So, the anxious attachment style will put their partner on a pedestal and overestimate their abilities while underestimating their own. It’s as though they are stuck in a loop of “earning” their partner’s desire to keep them.
Second, we need to understand the differences between confidence and self-esteem. What we do builds our confidence. Positive feedback from others builds self-esteem. So, until the anxious style learns to internalize positive feedback and believe in themselves, they will remain unresponsive to two of the three basic needs we get from our secure base. I refer to this as the “void and funnel effect.” When our needs can’t be met (void) we funnel our attention on where they can be met. That’s why the anxious attachment tends to double down on being close to and assured by their partner.
Third, there’s thinking brain (Prefrontal Cortex) versus emotional brain (Limbic System, both underlined terms in Trauma Glossary 3). Thinking brain can want what’s best for us. However, our attraction doesn’t live in our thoughts. And usually, we’re attracted to what’s familiar to us. So, if we truly feel unworthy of love, then we will only have an attraction to those who make us feel inferior.
Important Vocabulary Words for When We’re Anxious
If you recall from two weeks ago, a secure attachment style is no guarantee that they will always be “safe” from a toxic relationship. There are some relationships that can shake the foundation of our security. In other words, if you’re secure but you find yourself feeling anxious in a relationship, it’s a sign that it’s the wrong person for you. So, what you will find below is just as much for secure as it is for anxious attachment style. You have a lot of value to add in any relationship. Please don’t waste it on a toxic one.
Activated Attachment System
Any time we find ourselves excessively worrying about our partner losing interest, our attachment system has been activated. This compels us to seek assurance from our partner. Be it physical affection or a compliment, we need something that calms the system. As if to say, “Oh, my partner loves me, now all is right with the world.”
As children, at least one parent is our first attachment figure. So, if you’ve ever seen a child dropped off at daycare for the first time, or seen one lose sight of their parents at the supermarket, you’ve witnessed their activated attachment system. What do children do when they lose their parents (the familiar) while surrounded by strangers? They panic and cry, but the reunion with their parents will calm their system. “I have my parents back, now all is right with the world.”
Obviously, as adults, we don’t scream and cry when our attachment system is activated, but there is the same urgency to be reunited with our partner. Ideally, both parents and partners are able to act as our secure base and ensure against that activation as often as possible.
When an Activated Attachment System Becomes a Problem
We mistake the activated attachment system for love. The reality is, an activated attachment system is activating our stress hormones. Few people know that “feeling butterflies” in the stomach or the “rush” of a pounding heart are actually signs of an activated attachment system, and that’s opposite of a secure base in a secure relationship. Of course we are going to feel that in the initial stage of attraction. But that’s due to the natural course of forming a commitment and the secure base that comes with it. Once that’s established, the “rush of the butterflies” goes away. However, toxic partners know how to play on this, and no one is more vulnerable to it than the anxious attachment style.
Please see Intermittent Reinforcement in Trauma Glossary 1. In the past year, this term has become more widely known as “breadcrumbing” but it means the same as intermittent reinforcement. It’s how abusers keep their partner hooked in a toxic relationship. Starve them of their emotional needs and on rare occasions, show short-lived acts of compassion and love. The anxious attachment style, who already feels unworthy of love, starts living for the next tiny, microscopic sign of affection, and will put up with all the neglect and abuse in anticipation of the next “high” of mere assurance.
But it gets worse! Even upon leaving the toxic relationship, the emotional “programming” has taken its toll. It’s highly common for the anxious attachment style to experience a secure relationship and dismiss it as “boring” or no chemistry, all because their attachment system didn’t activate.
Protest Behavior
I refer to this one as the bad behavior that can come out when our attachment system has been activated. The “I’ll show you!” attitude, where anxious attachment style punishes their partner for causing their attachment system to activate. The actions vary widely, from doing exactly the same to their partner that was done to them (“Doesn’t feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot, does it?”), to angrily venting at them, or even threatening to leave.
We all have our limits on what we can endure. And it’s only a matter of time until we get fed up. And then what typically happens once we’ve reached that point? We explode like an erupting volcano. We get overly dramatic and over-assertive while giving our partner a little shock therapy in the process. Once the anxious style calms down, they immediately regret their actions. Then they go right back to ruminating, believing that they made a mountain out of a molehill.
Jealousy is a major trigger for the anxious attachment style. It’s the very reason that they will stay in the relationship even if they’re unhappy. The primary concern for them is not losing their partner. But the protest behavior is where they often manifest their worst fear.
Magnifying & Minimizing: The Self-Imposed Manipulation
Magnifying the good times while “forgetting” the bad is the greatest cross that the anxious attachment style has to bear. Every time they think of ending a relationship – especially if the relationship was toxic – is when the curse hits. Every single good time they had with their partner floods the brain. It casts shadows over the bad times, even when the bad experiences far outweighed the good. And this is where the self-imposed manipulation begins. The bad times appear as “a big misunderstanding,” while the good times must mean that the relationship had potential this whole time. Maybe, anxious style thinks, my partner can change!
And that’s when every insecurity comes rushing back in spades. Anxious believes that they are only compatible with certain people, and if they let this one go, they will lose their only chance at love. Worse still, because they have had their partner on a pedestal, they start believing that their partner will be better for the next person. (And after all the hard work and investing the anxious style has done in the relationship, only for it to pay off for someone else? Oh no!)
How Can Anxious Attachment Style Build Security?
Until anxious style takes the initiative to build a foundation within, they will keep repeating the same cycle in their relationships. Confidence and self-esteem are crucial in a secure relationship. And yet those are the very elements that allude the anxious attachment style. Fortunately, there are many tools for that on this very site. Start with Master Toolbox 1 and look for tools under both Critic and Identity/Self-discovery. Then scroll all the way down to Resources.
You may find the book: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie useful, as it has helped so many people already.
Because our beliefs greatly impact our outlook and how we see ourselves, once we start challenging those beliefs, our quality of life improves. I wrote an article on how to use the cognition sheet to improve our beliefs over time. If you can spare fifteen minutes per day to reflect on your day, you can use this tool. This is one of my favorite tools, as it has helped me exponentially.
What’s my other favorite tool? My Reflections x3 Bullet Journaling. Last year, I wrote a series of five articles on how to use this formula to really break barriers. And it’s worth noting that I imbed a cognition sheet in all of my bullet journals for the extra win. That series starts here, and each article ends with a link to the next in the series.
Breaking Up is Hard When We’re Anxious
Breaking up is hard for everyone, but more so for the anxious attachment style. That activated attachment system wreaks havoc on both the mind and the emotions when it’s time to end the relationship. Just like the child who loses sight of their parents in the supermarket, only the reunion with their parents can calm their system, so it is for the anxious style. Only the reunion with the partner will calm the system. Unlike the child in our example, the anxious style cannot (or at least, shouldn’t) reunite with their partner. The pain is not unlike going through withdrawals from an addiction.
There is always at least one, if not a slew of good reasons a relationship ends. The challenge for the anxious style is remembering those reasons. Having an awareness of how the mind will flood with positive memories is the important first step. Don’t be afraid of relying on friends to help you remember why the relationship ended. After all, a secure network of available support has the power to relieve us as well.
Creating a two-column list of the relationship’s pro’s and con’s will help. It’s okay to acknowledge and even grieve over the good times. This is healthy. But for every good time you remember, challenge yourself to recall one time when your needs were not met in the relationship. When our attachment system is activated, it gets us stuck in the denial and bargaining stages of grief. So, when we recall the times that were not good for us, it will help us along into acceptance. And at last, we get some relief as our attachment system calms down.