The avoidant attachment style has a bad reputation. That’s because narcissistic personality disorder happens to have this attachment style too. Does this mean that everyone with the avoidant style is a narcissist? Certainly not. In fact, of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, there is a distinction between how the cluster B personality disorders respond to relationships and how everyone else does it. (Both underlined terms are in Trauma Glossary 1.) That’s probably why, as attachment theory has evolved, two different types of avoidant styles have been named. They are dismissive and fearful. With that said, however, thoughtlessness and being neglectful are the most common character flaws in the avoidant attachment style. Regardless of subtype.
The avoidant attachment style values independence and self-reliance. Relationship minimalists, they can survive on very little love from their partner. That’s because they have learned to suppress their emotional needs. So, they use distracting activities to maintain the illusion of confidence and self-esteem. This very process of suppressing and distracting is what Bessel Van der Kolk calls “dealing, not feeling.” It’s as if the avoidant style’s self-talk is, “As long as I attend to my own needs, I am okay. If others do it for me, I am not.” Accepting that they just might have emotional needs that they cannot fulfill themselves is a threat to their identity. That’s why they fear emotional intimacy. It requires sharing that which they have suppressed.
A Brief Recap on the Secure Base
At the start of this series on attachment styles, we were introduced to the secure base for a secure attachment and its three basic requirements. Simply put, when we have a secure attachment, we are able to look outwards into the world with improved confidence and peace of mind. A person with a secure attachment style has two core traits that make them receptive to the secure base. They are unafraid of intimacy and they know they are worthy of love.
The problem for the insecure attachment is that at least one thing is holding them back. Now let’s look at the cliff notes on the three basic requirements again. This time, exploring the breakdown in the avoidant’s ability to give and get their needs from the secure base.
Be available by offering comfort and assurance in times of distress.
Don’t interfere, because if we do that, we are accidentally undermining their confidence in their own abilities.
Encourage because nothing fortifies our self-esteem better than knowing that someone believes in us.
Anxious, Ambivalent, and Preoccupied: It’s the Same Attachment Style
Don’t interfere is the avoidant’s primary focus. The avoidant attachment style has distracting activities that keep their needs suppressed. This process of distract and suppress maintains the illusion that they can meet their own needs. So, being available for their partner in the true sense forces them to be present. And being present interferes with their need to “feed the machine” of self-reliance. Self-reliance that relies on their dissociative (Trauma Glossary 2) activities. It’s a classic case of emotional needs for connection that’s been redirected anywhere but the human kind. This is why they fear intimacy.
How the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Developed
Our parents are our first attachment figures, and their parenting style has a major impact on how we connect with others. But don’t forget that there are some experiences that can shake our foundation, from sudden life changes to shocking betrayals. Somewhere in the avoidant’s life, they “learned” that seeking comfort in times of stress has steep consequences to their core selves.
Children who develop an avoidant attachment style tend to have parents who are emotionally unavailable. Many painful rejections teach them that their distress is shameful and they shouldn’t bother their parents with their needs. So, the avoidant child learns that they must fend for themselves. Because their needs are “bad” if they ask for help, they develop self-soothing and self-nurturing strategies. This of course is how they become extremely self-reliant to a fault. Independence maintains the peace, while relying on others is a threat.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style as the Relationship Villain
The moment the infatuation “high” develops into a calm and secure relationship, the avoidant takes their partner for granted. Once they see that they have a secure base, they are flooded with relief. All that hard work to have this partner in their life has paid off. So, the avoidant thinks, it’s back to business as usual. Then they look outwards into the world with improved confidence and peace of mind without much of a backwards glance at their partner. It doesn’t occur to them that first, the sudden shift from sweeping their partner off their feet, to “checking out” via routinized distractions is unfair. Second, all relationships require the work to maintain them. This includes sharing and a willingness to listen and compromise.
The avoidant is rarely present, and that’s why they are terrible listeners. There tends to be lots of rigidity in the avoidant’s makeup, especially where distracting activities are concerned. For example, if the first thing the avoidant does when they come home is go to their gaming device, but on one particular day, their partner needs them for something, it feels like the partner is interfering. And in the avoidant’s mind, that’s like breaking all ten commandments at once.
What Triggers Avoidant Behaviors (Fearful and Dismissive)
If you identify as avoidant attachment style, you may not understand why you’re disengaging from your partner in times of stress. Here are the most common thoughts and feelings behind it.
- Feeling awkward or uncomfortable: When we repress our needs, we can’t articulate what’s missing. That’s when the critic (Trauma Glossary 2) wakes up and says, “Oh, this is stupid.” It threatens us with shame, and then the urge to disengage becomes powerful.
- Feeling drained or overwhelmed: Feeling like the partner is being demanding, or taking up more of our time and energy than we have to spare is taxing for anyone. While true, there are toxic people who will deplete our inner resources and still demand more, avoidants have fewer inner resources to give in one particular moment. Think of our inner resources as a battery. When we have a lot in us to give someone, our “battery” is fully charged. So, we have more time and energy to give until it’s time to recharge the battery. With the avoidant, however, their battery is only half-charged. And therefore, it drains faster.
- Boundaries (loss of self) feel threatened: Boundaries give us a modicum of control. When we are unresponsive to our partner’s availability, that security need gets redirected into maintaining our personal space. So, if our partner wants to get closer, it feels, at the very least, intrusive.
Deactivating Strategies: The Avoidant’s Toolbox
In the last article, when we covered the anxious style, we learned about the activated attachment system. When we worry about losing our partner, our attachment system is activated. This causes us to panic, and only the reunion with our partner will calm the system. Well, the avoidant has strategies for deactivating the attachment system. Some deactivating strategies have been covered already. (Distracting activities, not being present, and taking the partner for granted.) Here are a few more.
Idealizing a Phantom
This is a strategy that keeps the avoidant “safe” from the present. So, to escape the present, there’s only two directions, the past, or the future. Either way, there’s a phantom person that’s more real than the present person. The phantom person protects the avoidant from getting attached to the real person who’s right in front of them.
I call this one the Future Phantom. Avoidants have an idealized vision of love, that perfect relationship that requires no work because it runs on magic. The perfect partner is out there somewhere, they just have to find them. In this vision, there is no such thing as conflict because both partners are in tune with each other on a psychic level. All needs are met without asking, so that they never have to articulate what’s missing. Not that anything is missing, because they have found the perfect partner. Or so the daydream goes.
The Phantom Ex. This happens only when the relationship is over and there is no going back. That’s because the “threat” of intimacy has been removed. Then, and only then, are all the best qualities magnified. The avoidant forgets all the reasons they broke up. And then they convince themselves that they will never have a relationship as perfect as that one again.
Magnifying the Bad
The avoidant spends more time in general focusing on the partner’s flaws than their positive qualities. In a relationship conflict, (like an argument) the avoidant will go distant and aloof. In their emotional programming, relying on others is opposite of maintaining peace. So, when a conflict arises, it “confirms” this belief, because it feels like a threat. Thanks to their deactivating strategies, they are able to magnify every bad experience they had in the relationship. While all the good times fall into the shadows, no matter how much they outweighed the bad.
The Avoidant Attachment Style in the Narcissist
The narcissist takes all the villainous traits to the next level. The “infatuation high” is what we know as love bombing. They use a false image to get their partner hooked very early on in the relationship. Once they have their partner hooked, intermittent reinforcement follows. The narcissist looks outward into the world in search of fresh supply (and by supply, I mean people). Unlike the non-NPD avoidant attachment style, the narcissist has impossible expectations in their partner. The narcissist fully expects their partner to act as their secure base, but don’t even think of asking them to return the favor.
While it is true that narcissists fear intimacy just as much as the non-NPD avoidants, the narcissist fears it for different reasons. The non-NPD avoidants fear it because they can’t articulate the very needs they have suppressed. Narcissists, on the other hand fear intimacy because they know “deep down” (relatively speaking) that there isn’t much depth in them. That’s why they keep their connections superficial. And woe to those who see what’s hiding behind the mask! Where the idealized phantom is concerned, again, the narcissist takes it to the next level. See also hoovering in Trauma Glossary 1, as well as the other underlined terms, (love bombing and intermittent reinforcement). The narcissist also delights in holding their phantom ex over their current victim, I mean partner’s head.
How Can the Avoidant Attachment Style Develop Relationship Security?
There is lots of hope for the fearful or dismissive avoidants. Just not for the narcissists, because let’s face it, they’re a lost cause. The first step is self-awareness. Understand why we do the things we do. Clarity is always the foundation for problem-solving. The next challenge is being present and practicing gratitude. And that’s hard, because the avoidant’s inner world is so beautiful, it makes the reality look uglier than…well, reality. That’s why finding something in the present that’s worth appreciating is so important. When we are aware of how our deactivating strategies work, we can thought correct and remind ourselves of our partner’s good qualities.
Studies have shown that when the avoidant participates in an activity with their partner, the intimacy fear is turned off. So, start planning activities for you and your partner, such as: hiking, cooking a meal together, swimming, or do something creative.
Another method is what I refer to as the slotting technique. In this one, you can keep your distracting activities, but instead of getting immersed for hours, you stop, check in with the present, and then return to the activity. There are many ways to check in with the present. Reply to someone’s message, or stop and look at your partner, ask how they’re doing. Then return to your activity, stop and check in again, and so on. You’re giving yourself what you crave while “slotting” it with presence. This is how we teach our system that being present is safe. And the most effective way to teach it this is by allowing it the freedom of that which it most wants (distracting activities) while experiencing the new and “less certain” experience (being present). I identify as avoidant and I can confirm this technique works.