Secure base? What is that? It comes from attachment theory, and it has everything to do with…well, everything. A secure base is key to forming a secure attachment and, the stronger our secure base is, the better equipped we are for taking on life’s challenges: our internal locus of control. Think about it, when we don’t feel secure, risks tend to look far more threatening than the reality. Even those risks that can lead to growth and improve our quality of life. That’s because every risk we take requires a leap of faith (confidence). But in order to make that leap, we need a solid foundation to spring from. That solid foundation begins with developing a secure attachment.
Secure attachments are known as “The Dependency Paradox.” That’s because they are opposite of both codependency (Trauma Glossary 2) and ultra-independence (which is a trauma response). Whereas when we are able to check in with or get some form of assurance from our partner, we are then able to turn our attention outward with improved confidence and peace of mind.
It’s also the very thing that survivors of childhood trauma, like Complex-PTSD have difficulty recognizing, for many reasons. But mostly, it’s from lacking a solid enough foundation from our caregivers. This created trust issues and insecurities, both in ourselves and others. So, how do we learn to recognize and then appreciate the very thing we have never known? Well, stick with me, because this is the first article in our new series where we cover all things related to attachments, from attachment styles to attachment disorders. But first, we need to understand the basics, and that means understanding what it means to have a secure attachment style.
3 Basic Requirements for a Secure Base
A secure relationship is formed when both people act as a secure base for each other. If you’ve heard the phrase, “give and take” where relationship advice is concerned, you may appreciate that for this to work, both parties must be willing to give in order to get back what they need from the relationship. Not one person giving while the other takes, but both people being present for each other in times of distress.
- Be Available: Both physically and emotionally. Hold space for them as they process and vent out their problems. Be willing to listen and respond with sympathy and comfort. A soothing tone of voice, a gentle facial expression, and human touch will go a long way!
- Don’t Interfere: You are not solving their problems for them, because when we do this, we are accidentally undermining their confidence in their own abilities. There is a major difference between depending on versus total dependence on someone. Instead of taking control of their situation, offer support and help in such a way that empowers them with taking the initiative.
- Encourage: They have choices. Therefore, they have a sense of control of the situation, and they can do…whatever it is they need to do. Show that you believe in them. Be accepting of their path towards personal growth. Cheer them on towards achieving their goals. This builds self-esteem.
Now, read the three basic requirements again, only this time, through the perspective of parenting. They are just as applicable for healthy child development. The only difference between a child’s secure base and the one that exists in a partnership is the give and take principle of the latter.
How a Secure Childhood Influences a Secure Attachment
As human beings, we are social creatures with social needs. From the moment we are born, our survival hinges on our attachment with a caretaker that can provide our needs. As we grow and develop, we need reassurance from our attachment figure. If our attachment figure acts as a secure base while encouraging us to go out into the world and form bonds with peers our own age, we learn to be “in sync” with our environment. We learn self-reliance and empathy. We develop an understanding of how others have similar and different thoughts and feelings.
How we are cared for teaches us how we value ourselves. It determines how we practice self-care, our expectations in our relationships, and what we are attracted to. Mentally, we can want what is best for us. However, on an emotional level, we are rarely attracted to the unfamiliar. In other words, those raised in a secure environment are more inclined to feel attracted to the person who can act as a secure base. Those raised in an adverse home will, on a mental level, want a secure partner, but they feel hopelessly addicted to partners who are, at the very least, emotionally neglectful.
When our parents are a reliable source of strength and comfort, we are less inclined to fear emotional intimacy, as our parents’ actions have taught us that we are worthy of love. That’s why those who experienced a secure attachment with a caregiver have a lifetime advantage. They develop a solid foundation, which acts as a buffer against the worst challenges in life. Let’s explore this in a case study from a story that I know well.
How My Paternal Grandfather Recovered From Tragedy
My grandfather, Campbell was 21 years old when he lost his first wife (Carolyn) and their only child (5 months old) in a horrific car crash. Most of us can’t imagine recovering from something like that. I know I couldn’t until I investigated his story and then turned it into a history comic on August 22nd. (Free on this site, no downloads required.) And yet, he was able to work through his grief and open his heart again when he met my grandmother two years later. How did he do this? Well, what my investigation unearthed was that Campbell was raised in a secure environment. In fact, his surviving brother described it best. Notice how this statement lines up with the three basic requirements for a secure base.
“I’ll tell you something about how our family was and still is, those of us who are left. I know some people like to say I love you every 15 minutes. Well, we were never like that, but we always knew anyway. I can’t tell you the last time I heard Gracie or Faye [Campbell’s two surviving sisters] tell me they love me or the last time I said it to them. But I know if I ever need help, I can depend on them, and they can depend on me.” -Sam T.
His First Love, Carolyn: My Grandfather’s Recovery From Tragedy
Secure Base: Holding Space For and Giving Campbell His Space
When we are available, we are holding space for someone. When we don’t interfere, we are giving someone their space to work things out on their own terms. And somewhere between holding and giving space is the emotional language of encouragement.
The night of the wreck, Campbell went straight to his parents’ house. The moment he walked through the door, he hollered, “Mom! Carolyn’s dead!” And then he burst into tears. Campbell literally cried for his mother, who was his first attachment figure. Then both parents stayed up with him all night to comfort him and help him grieve. Campbell was desperately seeking comfort from his secure base and his parents were available at once.
Then, the following day, Campbell moved back in with his parents (which also included his five siblings). He had a whole family of available people, but they all gave him his space. For Campbell was very much the so-called “strong, silent type” who was more wired for holding it in than letting it out. And yet, having reassurances from his environment helped him look outward. One of the first things he did was forge a solid bond with the parents of his deceased wife, Mr. and Mrs. Kelly. They helped each other through the grief, and that’s how Campbell’s bond with the Kellys lasted a lifetime.
When he was ready to open his heart again, he found a partner that was just as wonderful as his first wife. It’s easy for an outside observer to say, “He sure had great tastes in women.” But really, Campbell was just attracted to what he was familiar with. He came from a secure home, and that gave him the ability to spot those traits in others.
The Internal Locus of Control
As we explore our social world from a secure base, we learn that certain actions can change our feelings and how others respond to us. We learn what it is we can do on our own and when we need to ask for help. Challenges look less threatening when we have a sense of security, self-confidence, and peace of mind.
By contrast, those from adverse homes were conditioned into believing that there was nothing they could do to change their situation and that no one would help them. They arrived at adulthood with no confidence, no peace of mind, and certainly, no sense of security. Challenges and threats look the same through the eyes of a trauma survivor until they start their healing work.
Advantages Do Not Mean It’s a Guarantee!
While those who were raised in a secure home have an advantage, that does not mean they are guaranteed to only find secure partners like my grandfather did. After all, Campbell and Pearlene (my grandmother) created a secure environment for their children, and my father was one of their children. Yet my father married a woman with borderline personality disorder (Trauma Glossary 1), who created a home of domestic violence. There are some relationships so toxic, that they shake the foundation of our security, and as a result, my father became the very definition of the enabler parent in Trauma Glossary 1.
Survivors of adverse homes are at a disadvantage, but that does not make us guaranteed to only find toxic relationships. I am an adult survivor of child abuse, and yet I have been in a secure marriage now for 17 years. And how’s this as an added bonus? I only started my healing work four years ago! That should tell you two things. 1) A secure relationship is not going to heal our trauma. 2) We don’t have to be “healed” in order to find a secure relationship.
Be sure and check back next week, when we start exploring the insecure attachment styles: Anxious and Avoidant. What do they do and how did they develop?