Healing the Exile: IFS Therapy Part 3

Once we get the Protectors’ permission to examine the Exile, we need to know what we should expect. Healing the Exile is a process of first Witnessing its pain, then three R’s: Reparent, Retrieve, and Release its burdens. But before we start, we must be mindful of IFS rule #1: always be in Self when doing IFS work. Because the witnessing stage is when we are most vulnerable to other parts blending with Self. Not just the Protectors and Concerned parts, but the Exiles, themselves; and when the Exile blends with us, so will the Protectors. That’s why we must also remember IFS rule #2: never examine an Exile without first getting permission from its Protectors.

Last week’s article (here) covers how to get to know these parts, gain their trust, and then gain their permission. If you follow the exercises and steps for understanding your set of parts, you most likely have a biography sheet on that Exile. So, you should have a sense of what the Exile is feeling, but you may not understand what caused it to feel this way. And that’s what the witnessing stage will reveal. Our dialogue questions with the Exile will also differ slightly from those in last week’s article.

Healing the Exile

Assuming you have gained your Protectors’ permission, are you ready to start healing the Exile? Well first, we must make sure the Exile knows we are here as Self, not blended with other parts. Not all Exiles are aware of us. They tend to be trapped inside the time loop of the traumatic series of memories. So, the trick is to get their attention while protecting ourselves from the emotion overwhelm. We use any of our inner-senses to make contact. For example, if you can visualize, what is it doing? Is it looking at you? If not, move closer to it, say something to it, or even gently nudge it. If body sensation is strongest, pull the awareness to where you feel the Exile in your body. Are you sensing the Exile? If not, gently touch that part of the body and send it some soothing thoughts.

Now that we have the Exile’s attention and it knows who we are, do a check-in. How are you feeling towards this part? Feeling some of its pain is normal, as long as we are not overwhelmed by it. Feeling sympathetic towards it is also good. But if you feel anything other than curious, compassionate, welcoming, and patient, then it’s a sign that you’re blended with another part. In which case, ask the part to step aside or stop and address its concerns until it agrees to un-blend from you. Blended parts tend to happen most frequently during this initial contact with the Exile. Parts will worry that the Exile’s pain will hurt you, and they must be assured that you are in Self and you can handle it. And then there is the Exile, who needs a special kind of assurance.

Assuring the Exile

The Exiles tend to be children. They are hyper-eager to plead their case because they are afraid you will abandon them. So, the first thing you need to do is assure it:

1. “I am not here to abandon you. I am here to save you.” You are here to retrieve it (one of the 3 R’s on healing the Exile), not abandon it. And this assurance tends to calm the Exile so that it can listen while you explain what you need from it.
2. “But to do that, I need to Witness all of your pain without you blending with me.” Exiles think the only way you will understand them is if you feel the same way they feel. That’s why their instinct is to blend with you.
3. “Let’s work on a container for your emotions and that way, I can help you better.” Exiles tend to have big, painful emotions and as a result, we tend to feel them like a shockwave, even when we are not blended with them. So, the final thing you need before witnessing the Exile’s pain is to “build a container” for the emotion overwhelm. Remind the Exile that you’re here to heal it, but you cannot do that if its emotions overwhelm you.

Don’t overthink “container” as anything that involves throwing up a wall, unless of course, visualizing that is what works for you. All trauma-informed therapies have their own techniques for keeping us inside our window of tolerance. The “container” happens to be what’s used in IFS.

“Feeling the feels” is always acceptable. But when the emotions are extreme, we are outside our window of tolerance and then we lose our focus and another part will blend with us.

Building the Container

Since staying in Self is Rule #1 in all IFS work, and we must maintain enough calm while witnessing the Exile’s story, the container is important. Here are some examples that don’t involve building walls.

• Use a flashlight. In Jay Earley’s book (here) he spoke of using this one in IFS work. Imagine yourself holding a flashlight, and the Exile shares its story inside this spot of light. If you have difficulty visualizing, you can try holding a real flashlight and shining it against a wall like a “movie projector”. As long as it feels like you are separate from the Exile while still being supportive, it will work.
• Safe memory or safe person. You can imagine the Exile’s safe person into the scene and they share their story through the safe person. The safe person is “absorbing” the Exile’s emotion overwhelm so that you are feeling more tolerable pain. This one worked for my age three Exile, who wanted to tell Grandmother what was happening to it, but it couldn’t articulate at the time. As Grandmother listened sympathetically and held her, it became the perfect container as I witnessed its story.
• Hold your own hands together tightly. Think of childbirth. The mother goes into labor while squeezing her partner’s hand. The partner isn’t experiencing the labor pains, but holding the mother’s hand and allowing her to grip it as tightly as she needs, is how the partner shows support and sympathy for her pain. This one worked for me when working on my summer of 1986 trauma (age 11). I held my hands tightly together and “sent” eleven-year-old me that visual so that she understood. I was not overwhelmed by the emotions while the Exile felt my unwavering support.

Witnessing the Exile

Sometimes we must also use one of the three R’s in healing the Exile (Reparent, Relocate, Release its burdens) while witnessing its story. So, don’t think of these steps as static. However, understanding its pain is the first priority so that we can successfully heal it. My age three Exile for example, not only told her story to Grandmother. She also did it inside my grandparents’ house. (Relocate while witnessing.)

Don’t be alarmed if you discover an infant Exile. (This happened to me and I was certainly alarmed.) Believe it or not, infants can still communicate with us. They tend to show us images and the emotions associated with them. Also, if you allow its Protector part to be present (without blending with you) while witnessing the infant’s pain, it can be highly beneficial. The Protector can “translate” what the baby is showing you and tell you what the baby needs to feel safe enough to share its story. (Reparent while witnessing.) My infant’s Protector did this for me.

Some Exiles may not understand what they are supposed to show you. Or they may just need more assurance that you sincerely care. So, in that case, try these five questions. But remember to project extreme care and openness behind them:

1. Who are you?
2. How old are you?
3. What would you like me to call you?
4. What do you feel?
5. What makes you feel this way?

The witnessing stage varies per Exile. Some will show you everything in one sitting. My infant Exile took a few days of reparenting while witnessing to finally share all of its hurt. But once the Exile is done sharing its story, it needs to know that you fully understand and that you feel sympathy and compassion towards it.

Healing the Exile with the 3 R’s

Some Exiles move swiftly through this stage because they have a clear sense of what they want. My age three Exile, upon sharing her story with Grandmother, promptly informed me, “I want to live with my Grandmommy and I never want to see my mommy again.” (Relocated herself.) Then, almost as an afterthought, she flung up her arms to the light (Released her burdens to one of the five elements) and then turned and gave Grandmother her full attention.

But no matter how much of a healing virtuoso the Exile seems to be, we do not zip through the three R’s of healing the Exile. And even once we achieve the three R’s, we must set a daily intention to check in on the Exile for at least two weeks. In other words, there’s no such thing as healing the Exile overnight.

Reparenting the Exile by inviting its Protectors to help

This is the fun part and it has the potential to unlock talent you never knew you had. Don’t believe me? My age three Exile got into painting as part of her reparenting work. And – after spending a lifetime identifying as the anti-artist, because I seemed to destroy the simplest art project – now I paint beautiful canvases. Interested?

First, address the Exile’s burdens. Make sure it understands that what happened should have never happened and that it was not the Exile’s fault. Then ask if there is any lingering hurt that it would like you to mend. Be sure and also check for the negative beliefs the Exile may have “learned” from the traumatic experience.

Once you understand the Exile’s lingering hurts, ask its Protectors for their ideas. It’s a great first step towards creating mutual respect between the Exile and Protectors. It also begins the healing process for the Protectors. Being included in the reparenting stage reminds them that they are still valued and helps them understand how much easier their jobs will be from now on. Not all Protectors will have ideas, but they still get to witness the healing Exile.

A daydreaming Protector might imagine telling off those who hurt the Exile and make them look remorseful for what they did (even if those who hurt the Exile would never show remorse in real life). An analytical Protector might create a beautiful mini-treatment plan for the Exile. And so on. As long as there is plenty of love, play, creativity, and affirmations, it’s reparenting.

Relocate

The Exiles stay with us no matter where we place them. The only piece of the Exile that gets kicked from our system is its burdens. So, why are we relocating them? Exiles tend to live in deplorable conditions. I discovered my first Exile inside a cage within a dark basement. My infant Exile was living in a cave and covered by a filthy blanket. Obviously, these Exiles deserve better living conditions and that’s why we relocate them. Most tend to know exactly where they want to be moved. Sometimes they need our help deciding. Here are some options.

Visualize a place. Either a safe place from your memories, or an imaginary place. It could be a forest that magically stays sunny and seventy-three degrees all year. The imagination is limitless here, as long as the place is clean, safe, and bright.

Somewhere in your body. You can offer anywhere in your body for the Exile to live. For example, letting it into your heart or your core. There should be a sense of lightness and warmth there if the Exile accepts this as its new home.

A room in your home. This doesn’t make the room off-limits to everyone else, of course. It’s a means of providing a physical safe place for the Exile that’s also open to visitors.

Release the Burdens

We use the elements here. Exiles tend to have a particular choice element. For example, all of my Exiles have chosen to release their burdens to the light. But that doesn’t mean all your Exiles will choose the same element. Here are the options.

• Earth: The Exile may want to bury its burdens and maybe even stomp on the freshly turned soil a few times for good measure.
• Air/wind: The Exile may let its burdens be carried off by the wind. Or it can “fly in an airplane” and release its burdens from the sky.
• Water: Fling the burdens into the sea or “wash them away”. Another option, particularly for those of the Christian faith who also choose water can have the Exile submerge themselves like a baptism and then come up “cleansed” of their burdens.
• Fire: Burn the burdens into ash and watch those ashes disintegrate into nothing. Or let the wind take away what’s left of them.
• Light: Offer up the burdens to the sun or a brilliant flash of light.

Things Worth Watching Out For

Some healed Exiles will trigger brain fog for a day or two. But it’s the happy kind. This happened to me when my age three Exile revealed herself as a healing virtuoso, and I hadn’t even started reparenting her yet. If it feels like your whole system is having a party, that’s because it is. Multiple parts of you are celebrating a major milestone. The happy brain fog is also a sign that something in your brain is being rewired. So, just relax and go with it until the fog subsides.

Once you heal one Exile, it gets easier. Parts tend to become more trusting of you, and will even clamor for being next in line for healing. And for dealing with more stubborn parts, the healed Exiles can come along and help the parts gain more trust in you, purely from the parts seeing what you’ve done with the Exile part that used to be an Exile.

One last thing. We tend to have more than one Exile who is holding onto fear, shame, or sadness. So, for example, don’t think that healing one Exile that catastrophizes (Trauma Glossary 2) means that you will never catastrophize again. My age three Exile was a catastrophizer, but so was my infant Exile.