So, you’re ready to accept the unique weirdness of IFS therapy so that you can understand yourself on the deepest level imaginable. You’re in the right place because that’s what we will be covering here. How to open up a dialogue with our parts and understand each part’s positive intent. This is a continuation of last week’s article, which was an introduction to IFS therapy.
The various parts we are likely to encounter (Exiles, Concerned parts, and Protectors, which are managers and firefighters) were fully defined last week. We also learned some basic rules we should follow. So, we won’t be going into what these parts mean or how to un-blend from them. But just as a brief recap, the most important rule is staying in the Self without blending with the other parts while getting to know them. So, what is the Self again? Well, here is an excerpt from last week’s article with the link, just in case you need a primer.
The Self is our authentic core. Over time, we developed multiple parts (trauma responses) that respond to differing situations (triggers). The Self is calm, curious, and compassionate. It welcomes each part with openness and patience while getting to know them. The Self understands that all parts have good intent for doing what they do, even when those intentions lead to poor choices.
IFS Rule #1: Always Stay in Self When Doing IFS Work. And so, instead of saying “I feel, think, or want,” we say “A part of me feels, thinks, or wants to (whatever we feel compelled to do in the moment)”. This is how we separate ourselves from a part and begin getting to know it.
IFS: It’s the Weirdest but Most Highly Effective Therapy
Don’t forget there are also meditation audibles specifically for IFS therapy, just a keyword search away. Believe me, even if meditation isn’t your thing, you will find these meditations as your most useful tool for going to Self and un-blending from other parts.
How to Start Self-IFS Therapy
You will need one spiral bound notebook, or a binder if you prefer. This will help us keep up with the who’s who of our multiple parts. Each part will have its own biography sheet, which is a brief overview of who they are and what they do. There will also be a section for corresponding “interviews” with them when we open up the dialogue. Writing out each question and answer is optional. But I do recommend at least recording the main points gleaned from the interview. It’s an extra point of reference for marking the part’s progress as we work towards healing it. Because we are healing more than just our Exiles. We are also healing their Protectors and giving them easier jobs to do in our system.
First exercise
I am crediting the IFS therapist, Jay Earley’s book (here) for our first step. It’s a great way to sort of “dip our toe in the water” of IFS therapy before we start diving deep. When we consider how the Self is calm, curious, compassionate, and patient, life doesn’t always allow us to be these things. So, we all use different ways to manage life’s ups and downs. In other words, this exercise helps us get a general feel of our main managers that we will be getting to know later on when we dive deeper.
Think of at least two parts of yourself that help you handle life on a day-to-day basis. Name them, and then try to answer as many of the five questions as you can. Don’t overthink it. It’s okay if you can’t answer all of them. I named four: Thinker, Good Wife, Workaholic, and Self-Reliant. And of the four, Workaholic was the only one of whom I could answer all five questions.
- What is this part’s role in helping you manage your life and interact with the world?
- How does it relate to other people?
- How does it protect you from pain?
- What is its positive intent for you?
- What is it trying to protect you from?
Start with the Trailhead
In an IFS therapist’s office, we share one incident that occurred since the last visit that we would like to explore. There could have been multiple events that happened since that last visit but we are encouraged to choose only one. That’s because in IFS therapy, we want to get to know one set of parts at a time.
Any situation that creates an emotional reaction (internal or external) tends to trigger more than one part to blend with the Self. (The Exile and at least one Protector.) It’s as though the Protector is saying, “This is my job to handle this situation.” It may not have been the wisest decision. Or we may simply want to understand why we felt hurt by the situation. This incident is what we call the trailhead because like its name implies, it heads us down the trail of discovering more parts. And that’s when we begin creating our biography sheets.
But don’t forget IFS Rule #1: Always be in Self when doing IFS work. So, before you make your first mark on your biography sheet, it may be a good idea to find an IFS meditation for un-blending your other parts from Self. Once you feel calm, compassionate, curious, welcoming, and patient, you are ready to proceed.
Biography Sheet: 10 Things
First, don’t worry if you’re unable to answer all ten questions. Some of us can’t visualize and so, we have to leave “what it looks like” blank. Alexithymics in particular will have a hard time understanding where they feel the part in their body and so, they have to leave “body sensation” blank. But the beauty of IFS therapy is that it’s for everyone. So, even if you’re only able to answer half the questions, don’t let that discourage you. We are just trying to gather as much information about the part as we can. Think of the biography sheet as giving us a basic “blueprint” for understanding the part before we open up the dialogue with it. Chances are high that we can go back and fill in those blanks once we get to know them more.
And just one more thing. When we name a part, it helps us separate the Self from the part. So, on the first and last questions, where you’re naming parts, I recommend starting with generic or archetypal names. For example, if the main part you’re trying to get to know is prone to anxiety or daydreaming, you can name it Anxiety or Daydreamer. As per the last question, there’s a list of the different types of concerned parts you will likely encounter in last week’s article. (See link in this article’s opening.) Most parts will give you a name they would like you to call them once you open up the dialogue.
- Name:
- Emotion:
- What it looks like:
- Body sensation:
- What it says:
- What it wants:
- How it behaves:
- How it makes me behave:
- Situations that trigger this part:
- Concerned parts activated:
IFS Therapy Wisdom Before Opening Up the Dialogue
Before you open up the dialogue, be sure and create biography sheets for each concerned part you list in the last question of your first biography sheet. Most concerned parts tend to reveal themselves as Protectors of the same Exile because most Exiles have more than one Protector. Since rule 2 in IFS therapy is that we never examine an exile until we get permission from all its protectors, it makes sense to go ahead and create more than one biography sheet.
But this does not mean you will have to open up dialogue with each part. The whole point of the dialogue is to gain permission to examine the Exile. You may have a part who has no problem stepping aside right away, no questions asked. So, you won’t have to open a dialogue with that part. However, there tends to be at least one part who insists you talk to them first. And that’s the one you must engage in a dialogue.
If you’re unable to answer the last question of your biography sheet, proceed to the dialogue phase. Other parts tend to blend with the Self in the dialogue phase. And then you will have clues on what other Protectors might be guarding the same Exile.
The bigger the emotion, the younger the part.
I saved the best IFS wisdom for last and I did not learn this from any IFS therapy resource. I learned it from my close friend with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Since DID is IFS, and my friend has discovered over eighty parts in her eleven years of therapy, it’s safe to say that she is an “IFS expert” minus the degree.
So, big emotions usually mean you’re dealing with an Exile or a firefighter. In other words, if the trailhead part is more than just anxious, it’s a catastrophizer (Trauma Glossary 2), then chances are high that it’s a very young part. Also, the firefighters tend to have major trust issues with us. And so, you may discover a part that seems to hate your guts.
This happened to me when I discovered a part that hated me so much, it wanted to see me destroyed. I immediately stopped my dialogue, thinking “If you destroy me, you will destroy yourself too, idiot!” (Though I didn’t say it in our dialogue.) Still, I was freaked out and asked my friend with DID for advice. She assured me that the parts that “seem” to hate us are really just scared child parts that are acting out the same way children do. Children say “I hate you” when they don’t really mean it, and the same applies to those parts. They don’t really hate us, even when they claim they do. It’s our job to soothe and validate their feelings while showing that we are still on their side and open to them.
Her advice worked. Not only did the part calm down, it granted me access to the Exile. So, if you discover a part that “hates” you, I hope you now know what to do.
Opening the Dialogue
First, these questions are not static. If you feel an appropriate question (we always ASK the parts, never tell them) comes up, feel free to use it. These questions are just to act as a guide when you’re unsure how to engage a dialogue with a part.
Second, the moment the part gives you permission to examine the Exile, you don’t have to ask any further questions.
Now with that said, notice the number of questions that center around the part’s role. That’s because the part feels its very existence relies on playing its role. That’s why question 5 tends to trigger the biggest emotional reaction. Now notice how that same question is asked again in questions 10 and 15, but worded more gently. These are the questions that slowly challenge the part to consider releasing itself from all its hard work. And they are each interspersed among other questions. This way, the part has time to consider an easier role without feeling like they are being nagged or pressured.
16 Questions
- What do you feel?
- What is your concern?
- What is your role and what do you do to perform it?
- What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role?
- What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
- What makes you feel (whatever emotional reaction came up in question 5)?
- What would you like me to call you?
- How do you relate to people?
- How do you interact with the other parts?
- How do you feel about (something opposite of what the part does)?
- What do you want?
- How long have you been performing your role?
- What caused you to take on this role?
- How do you feel about your role?
- What emotions are you afraid would come up if you didn’t play this role?
- What do you want from me?
What if it still won’t let me examine the Exile?
Don’t let it discourage you. Give the part some space for a few days because it may need some time to consider this new information. It’s like meeting someone for the first time. We need to establish good rapport before we develop a meaningful relationship.
You may offer it to sit beside you while examining the Exile. This does not mean that it may blend with you, just that it can watch what happens as you (in Self) examine the Exile. And that way, it can share its concerns if it feels you or the Exile are in danger. (Meaning, the Protector will blend with you if it feels concerned. In which case, stop with the Exile and address the Protector’s concerns before continuing with the Exile.)
You may ask for its assistance in the reparenting phase for the Exile. This way, the Protector still feels like it has something useful to contribute towards the very Exile it’s been guarding all this time.
Next week, we will talk about the Exiles, what to do once the Protectors grant us access and what we should expect. Also, the steps to take to successfully heal them.
Final Words on the Parts
Think of the acronym TARA to help you remember what all the parts will need from you. Trust: they need to know they can trust you. Appreciated: for all their hard work. Respected: that you fully understand why they perform their role. Assured: 1) that they will not cease existing if they stop playing this role, 2) that you can find easier jobs for them in your system, and 3) if you can heal the Exile, you can heal them too.
One example of mine is, I have an avoidant part that I named Distractor because it’s prone to daydreaming when I’m trying to work. Once I got to know it, I learned that it feels inadequate and vulnerable. And so, it “escapes” by checking out of reality. Now I keep a pocket-sized notebook next to my computer just for Distractor. Whenever a daydream interrupts me while I’m working, I make a single line notation on what the daydream is while promising Distractor that we will explore the daydream together once I finish working. The daydreaming stops and I’m able to focus on my work.
Distractor’s daydreams are revealing. They are all fantasies of successful social encounters. So, upon reviewing the daydreams at the end of the day, we work through realistic social goals versus unrealistic ones. (For example: “No one is going to throw laurels at us if we share this, but they may quietly appreciate it instead.”) Noting the daydream is also the ongoing practice of getting it out of the head and out in the open (reality). Distractor’s confidence is slowly growing through this process.
Thank you for these!