Where trauma informed therapies are concerned, there tends to be an unspoken rule. That the weirder the therapy, the more highly effective. So, when I say that IFS therapy is so weird, it’s downright woo, I’m also saying how effective it is. If you’ve ever wondered “Why do I do some of the things that I do?” IFS therapy will answer your questions because it’s the deepest self-discovery work you will ever do. It’s inner-child and reparenting work, because IFS forces us to practice self-compassion. Another great thing about it is that we can actually heal our small t traumas.
Naturally, the catch is that we must first make peace with its weirdness before we reap its healing benefits.
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. It’s also known as parts therapy. The gist is that we all have multiple parts within us that respond to differing situations. We know these as our trauma responses and triggers. These well-meaning parts of ourselves developed because being authentic was dangerous. And so, in IFS work, we separate ourselves from these parts and get to know them. Ask them questions, develop a trusting relationship, and even name our parts so that we can understand their good intentions and then heal them.
Is IFS for DID?
If this sounds suspiciously like therapy for DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) to you, then your suspicions are correct. As my close friend with DID (who has been in therapy for eleven years now) informed me before I began my own IFS studies, “DID is IFS.” IFS simply acknowledges that we all have parts just like DID. The difference is that we are not dissociating or even co-conscious with whatever parts are taking over. Instead, we tend to be blended with the part, which is IFS language for when our thoughts, feelings, and actions seem authentic to us, but on closer inspection, it’s a part of us that’s reacting in the moment.
IFS Parts 101
Most people who look up IFS for the first time learn that we have three major parts within us: managers, firefighters, and exiles. But we also have concerned parts that tend to interrupt our work as we get to know our protector parts (managers and firefighters). And then sooner or later, we will discover a set of polarized parts (two parts that want opposite things at the exact same time), in which case, we have to act as mediator. So, how do we work with all these parts? By staying in the most important part of all: the Self.
The Self: Watch Your Language
The Self is our authentic core. Over time, we developed multiple parts (trauma responses) that respond to differing situations (triggers). The Self is calm, curious, and compassionate. It welcomes each part with openness and patience while getting to know them. The Self understands that all parts have good intent for doing what they do, even when those intentions lead to poor choices.
IFS Rule #1: Always Stay in Self When Doing IFS Work. And so, instead of saying “I feel, think, or want,” we say “A part of me feels, thinks, or wants to (whatever we feel compelled to do in the moment)”. This is how we separate ourselves from a part and begin getting to know it. Staying in the Self without blending with another part is crucial for all IFS work. Guided meditations are excellent tools for going to the Self. I guarantee that you will find an abundance of meditations for IFS, specifically for the Self, the Protectors, or even the Exiles from a keyword search.
The Protectors and the Exiles
The managers and firefighters are both protectors of our exiles. They simply protect in different ways. The exiles are our hurt memories that we could not fully process at the time. There was no closure or resolution and so, these exiles are stuck in a time loop. That’s how we developed our protectors, either guarding us from the exile’s pain (managers) or guarding the exile from further hurt (firefighters).
IFS Rule #2: Never Examine the Exile Until You Get Permission from its Protector. Those who look up IFS for the first time (like I did) learn that we simply ask the protector to step aside so that we can examine what they’re guarding. While true, that’s the goal, they won’t usually step aside just because we ask. And even if we figure out which exile memory they are guarding, we don’t shove the protector aside to examine the exile. That’s because in order to free an exile, we must first understand how the memory impacted us. The protectors are the only ones who can give us that information.
IFS Rule #3: Develop a Trusting Relationship with the Protectors. All protectors feel like they have a specific “job” that is of life-or-death importance. So obviously, if we feel like the only thing that’s preventing doomsday from happening is our guardianship of an exile, we wouldn’t likely move aside just because someone asks. The protectors want us to understand them in such a way that we can sincerely thank them for all their hard work. Whether the protector is protecting us from the exile, or protecting the exile from everyone else, they are our trauma responses, attempting to keep us safe from more trauma.
Managers protect us from the Exile
The managers are easy to work with because they do what managers do. They make us toe the line “or else.” You may also know your managers as your vicious inner-critic. Managers are big on self-discipline because they see the exile as the problem. And that’s why managers tend to be judgmental, self-critical, and over-thinkers.
So, if the managers are all parts of the vicious inner-critic, how are they easy to work with? It’s because the managers see themselves as “middle management” and the Self as the CEO. Once we open up the dialogue with a manager, they will happily report what they do, why they do it, and deliver it with surprisingly sound reasoning. Managers tend to believe that there is something we must do to avoid doing that which we can’t do. And whatever it is we can’t do is coming from the exile memory.
For example, if the exile memory is harsh punishments for minor mistakes, the manager believes we must be perfect or overly prepared because we can’t make mistakes. Or if the exile memory is experiencing shame for expressing emotional needs, the manager believes we must people-please because we can’t express our own needs.
Firefighters protect the Exile from everyone else
The firefighters also believe there is something we must do to avoid that which we can’t. But unlike the sound reasoning of the managers, firefighters use the fight-or-flight response. And dealing with a firefighter can at times feel like a hostage negotiation. That’s because the firefighters tend to be more enmeshed with the exiles, which explains the rage, panic (fight-or-flight emotions), or even escapism urges (addictive behaviors that numb the emotions) we feel when they are activated. And sometimes, we may discover that a firefighter is really an exile guarding another exile. (That does occasionally happen.) This is why we proceed with caution when examining a firefighter. They’re unpredictable and tend to be a little irrational. Let’s look at some examples.
Sigourney Weaver’s character in the 1995 movie, Copycat had severe agoraphobia after surviving a murder attempt. The murder attempt was her exile memory. Her unwillingness to cross the doorway for her morning newspaper was her firefighter. (Fear response.)
After enduring group bullying in third grade P.E. class, I developed a hatred of sports. The group bullying is my exile memory. My firefighter is my mean reaction when friends or family suggest I participate in any game that involves a ball. “I don’t play well with others,” I always say through flashing eyes and a thin mouth. I am not usually pushed further because people can see the fury that threatens to come out. (Rage response.)
Concerned Parts That Interrupt IFS Work
IFS Rule #4: See Rule #1 Because Staying in Self is That Important! The Self is always welcoming, curious, and patient as it gets to know each part. Whenever we feel otherwise, it’s a sign that another part has just blended with the Self. This tends to happen pretty frequently. So, it’s something we must be vigilant of when doing IFS work.
IFS Rule #5: Ask Concerned Part to Step Aside by Promising to Make it the Next Target Part. We will feel the shift as we return to Self. We are more calm and focused on the target part when the concerned part agrees to step aside. But what happens when they refuse?
IFS Rule #6: If Concerned Part Refuses, STOP Dialogue with Target Part and Open Dialogue with Concerned Part. Get it to share its concerns until it feels heard. In other words, it’s now willing to step aside so that we can continue dialogue with the target part.
Some concerned parts will reveal themselves as another protector, either of the same exile or another one. Because most exiles tend to have more than one protector. So, let’s meet some of the concerned parts we are likely to encounter.
Analyzer:
We may find ourselves analyzing the part we are getting to know. Putting the pieces together faster than the part is willing to share is a sign that we are blended with an analyzer part. These parts are useful, just not while getting to know the target part. The analyzers tend to make the target part feel inferior and their analysis can feel accusatory.
IFS Rule #7: Always ASK the part about itself. Never tell or imply to the part that we have it figured out better than it has while getting to know it.
Avoidant:
This one distracts, procrastinates, and/or creates confusion. Spacing out or daydreaming is one sign we are blended with an avoidant part. So is having a sudden urge to stop and attend to other things. We might suddenly become hungry for no apparent reason. Whatever it is, the avoidant part is distracting us from getting to know the target part. And just one more thing. Avoidant parts are the most difficult to get to know. They tend to drift off by the second or third question when we open up a dialogue. Then again, they wouldn’t be avoidant parts if they didn’t.
Exile:
We feel a sudden wash of vulnerable emotions, like shame, fear, or sadness, it’s a sign that an exile is blending with us. Or we might have a eureka moment and figure out which memory the protector is guarding. But remember IFS Rule #2. We never examine the exile without first getting the protector’s permission. So, this is the only concerned part that does not apply to IFS Rule #6.
Judge:
This is self-explanatory. When we find ourselves making any sort of harsh judgment or contemptuous feelings towards the part we are getting to know, our inner “judge” has just blended with us.
Impatient:
Some parts are less forthcoming than others. And if we start checking the time or wishing they would hurry up, it’s a sign that an impatient part has blended with the Self.
Skeptic:
I saved the best for last. Like I said, IFS is a unique level of weird. So naturally, we tend to blend with skeptic parts while getting to know the target. When we find ourselves asking if this is real or are we just imagining this whole thing, we are blended with a skeptic.
Further Reading
I’m going to leave you with not one, but two helpful books on IFS. Between these two books and my close friend with DID, who acted as my IFS mentor, I worked out amazing insights into myself. It’s the very reason I am able to start this brand new series of articles on IFS. That’s right, there will be more on IFS next week. This one has been your basic introduction explaining all the different parts you’re likely to discover. Next week we will talk about how to get started and what sort of questions we should ask our parts when opening up a dialogue with them. Or you can order the following books:
This one by Jay Earley, a practicing IFS therapist who shows us how to use it as a self-therapy.
This one is a workbook by Bonnie J. Weiss and it was written as a companion to Jay Earley’s book.
IFS Therapy: Getting to Know Our Parts