“Less and more?” you may ask. “Don’t you mean less is more?” Well, if this was a topic on minimalism, we would be discussing the latter. However, this is a tool for increasing our bandwidth to see our goals as more within our reach. First we declutter the mind and address, “What is it I want?” Then we see which habits we need in order to get it. Finally, we use self-compassion while reviewing our current patterns. Try and locate at least one area of our life that might be holding us back from getting what we want. We are not saying “no more ever again” to it. Instead, we are saying less of one habit and more of another.
In a lot of ways, this is part two of my article, How to make room in your life for healing your trauma (here). It includes the five most important habits all trauma survivors should practice and why. But whereas that article addressed how to make time for our healing, this one addresses how to make room in our head. Improving our habits tend to be erroneous until we work on how to become the person who is open to them. And so, it starts within. But more than that, my less and more tool is also for achieving life goals and even managing addictions.
Guiding You Along with My Own Examples
Having recently lost my Grandmother (to date, five months of mourning this loss) my momentum came to a screeching halt. Last month, I developed this tool for myself and it helped pull me from the abyss. The more I practice less and more, the more clear-headed I am towards my personal goals. And while I am still grieving, I am no longer drowning in it. I will share my own work with you as we move along step by step.
The first thing I must share with you, dear reader is the poor choice I used as a coping mechanism in the wake of losing my Grandmother. I was numbing the pain with alcohol every night. No exceptions. As we know, alcohol is a depressant, and self-soothing depression with a depressant tends to add fuel to the pain. And yet, I was so deep in my grief, I had forgotten this fact until I confided to a friend. “I’m already a life-time chain-smoker,” I said, “I don’t want to be an alcoholic too.” That friend reminded me of the fact I had previously forgotten and that was my turning point. But I knew there were other changes needed to transcend my pain and reclaim my life.
Step 1: Good Old-Fashioned Brain Dump
Start with a two-column list. One column for what we want and the other column is for what’s going on in our life currently.
Now under the column for what you want, list the actions that need to be taken to achieve it. Be sure and use the overall “big picture” instead of bogging yourself down with minor details. We are not creating a long to-do list, because that’s micromanagement, which is opposite of the self-compassionate approach.
Then in the second column, name the blockages you currently have. What is holding you back from taking action? List your thoughts and feelings. Is there a situation in your life that needs remedying before you can take action? Write that down too.
My Example
My major goal is to keep advocating for my Complex-PTSD community full-time, before my financial cushion runs out. Obviously, I must strategize a source of income for myself. And so, the actions I must take are below.
- Update the Trauma Glossaries and Toolboxes
- Return to starting the Children’s Rights Movement
- Network with more platforms
- Write my stories
- Build healing modules
Like I said earlier, drinking away the pain was actually increasing the pain. But instead of berating myself, I dumped out my overall state of mind.
- Attention span fragmented
- Forgetting simple things
- No inspiration, fresh ideas, or motivation anymore
- Cognitive skills foggy
- Am I losing my mind?
Step 2: Review Your Current Patterns
Now dive deeper and review your current patterns. Take your time because more lightbulbs are likely to hit over the next few days. Make a list of what you’re doing today. Maybe certain things are fulfilling a need in one area of your life. List those. But also list what might be triggering your painful emotions, including feelings of self-doubt. It’s a trouble-shooting exercise, exploring what is working and what may not be.
I cannot reiterate this enough. Use self-compassion while reviewing your current habits and patterns. You are no longer a helpless child who is being relentlessly shamed by Cluster B disordered (Trauma Glossary 1) parents. So, please don’t repeat that cycle on yourself. All “bad” habits tend to be the side-effect of other problems. And unless we calm down and explore ourselves through a compassionate lens, we won’t understand the full scope of what’s going on.
My Example
- Drinking every night
- Mood drops with the setting sun
- Sleepless nights, waking up late
- Networking overstimulates and drains me
- Playing Grandmother’s playlist triggers more sadness but I can’t just NOT play her playlist.
- Her playlist also makes my artwork more meaningful and I’m less sad at those times.
Step 3: Creating the Less and More List
Once you have an understanding of what’s holding you back from getting what you want, you’re ready to start your less and more list. Remember, we are not saying “no more” to the habit or vice. Instead, we are saying less of one so that there is room for more of the other.
I do advise writing it down and keeping it where you can easily find it as your daily check-in. When we “put it in writing” we tend to feel more committed to ourselves. So, on a single sheet of paper, write your first “Less” and then directly underneath it, write your “More”. Whichever pattern you need to practice less of so that you can have more of what you need.
Then skip a line. Write your next “Less” and then your “More” underneath, and so on. Don’t feel discouraged if you only have one Less and More set. This tool tends to stimulate more self-exploration. And so, more insights are likely to develop over time and you may feel inclined to add to your list. I know I did.
My Example
- Less: Alcohol
- More: Chamomile Tea
- Less: Late nights
- More: Early mornings
- Less: Grandmother’s playlist
- More: Power songs (T. Powell and Rob Bailey for the win)
- Less: Distracting activities
- More: Mindfulness time for fresh ideas
- Less: Morning reflections
- More: Evening reflections
*For my Reflections x3 Bullet Journal. Reflect on the end of the day instead of using the mornings to try and recall what had happened the day before.
This tiny bit gave me new lightbulbs in the proceeding days. Understanding I have the most productive energy for writing my articles in the mornings, it made sense to do less networking in the mornings and more work during that time. Then with the networking problem of feeling drained, I realized I needed time to go outside and remind my system that I don’t live on the Internet. And guess what music accompanied me? My grandmother’s playlist and a creative activity. Then finally understanding the extreme difficulty I have with getting tired enough for bed, I needed more tools. So, the solution was to turn out the lights during my chamomile teatime while listening to audible stories on my phone app. I was free from my phone’s blue light (exposure to our phone’s light lowers melatonin) while listening to some very bad fiction that helps me sleep.
Less and More: Successful the More You Practice it
Best results happen as we turn our less and more list into action. It’s great for gauging our day, both for moving towards what we want and just having a good day in general. We can use it to check in with ourselves at any time with the question, “Am I moving towards where I want to be?” If yes, keep it up! If no, we can follow up with our list. “Have I practiced all my less and more statements?” If no, we see which of the following we should practice for better results. Be sure and use compassionate self-forgiveness while setting an intention to use it more often.
But sometimes there will be days we feel discouraged, despite having practiced everything on our less and more list. In which case, it comes down to understanding and accepting what we can’t control versus what we can control. We will face unexpected setbacks in life and we can’t control them. But we can also assure ourselves that setbacks won’t always happen. Other times, we are having a bad day because we are neglecting an emotional need. In which case, more self-exploration is needed, so as to add it to the list. It is never wise to neglect ourselves in pursuit of what we want. See the flow chart, which may further help you along.
