Sometimes thoughts get stuck in our heads and then we can’t think of anything else. We know this as ruminating, and it happens to everyone. But in complex trauma, it’s amplified. Not only does it happen more frequently, but the emotional overwhelm keeps us stuck there longer. That’s why ours is called looping in Trauma Glossary 2. Because it’s ruminating on steroids.
So, why looping? Well, imagine if all our memories were on a long strip of film. Sometimes our film gets stuck and we are sucked into the vortex of a past scene. And it’s playing in a never-ending loop. If that analogy is too old school for you, one of our digital memories are stuck in a gif. It keeps playing over and over again and we can’t close it out or scroll past it.
While we aren’t physically trapped in this time loop, our thoughts and feelings certainly are. And these memories are deeply painful, as they trigger feelings of shame, heartbreak, or outrage over a past injustice. Either way, the memory hurts and it won’t stop replaying.
Then what if we spend a lot of time ruminating on a future event? Is that looping too? Yes, but we call that one catastrophizing. It’s when we imagine the worst possible outcome and then fully believe it will happen if one little thing goes wrong. Our past experiences are the root cause. So, when we have a lot of painful memories, we tend to use them to predict a painful future.
That’s why this article will focus on our past loops. They are all clues to painful memories that we haven’t fully processed.
What Causes Looping and What Can We Do About It?
Complex trauma alters our brain and body chemistry. (See Trauma Glossary 3 for a full rundown of the biological problems that tend to come up.) But I’m only going to talk to you about one of them. An area of our brain known as the ACG (Anterior Cingulate Gyrus) acts as our “gear shift”. It helps us “shift” from task to task and also “shift” between our thoughts and feelings. But when the gear shift is stuck, so are our thoughts and feelings. They stop flowing and we start looping instead. A stuck ACG is also linked with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). So, if anyone with OCD has found this article and is thinking, Hey, I have trouble looping too, they are right. It’s one thing we have in common with OCD.
When we remember the tool for looping, we can open that loop and escape it. Remind the memory, “What happened next? Then what? And then what?” We do this several times until the loop gets the message that yes, it happened, but we no longer live there. We restore our balance and can proceed with our day, grateful for our return to the present. Until the next time the memory hits us and then we have to repeat the same process.
The other thing we have in common with OCD is intrusive thoughts. I’ve often referred to this one as the great bugbear of complex-PTSD. You see, the human brain fires random memories throughout the day. And we can be unaware of how often the brain is doing this when those memories aren’t emotionally triggering. But in complex-PTSD, we have so many painful memories, those random memories become intrusive thoughts. Just one intrusive thought has the power of returning us to the same loop.
What’s the Difference Between Looping and an Emotional Flashback?
Looping is an emotional flashback (Trauma Glossary 2). The difference is, in an emotional flashback, we don’t always know what we are flashing back to. However, when looping, we know exactly what we’re flashing back to because the scene is playing over and over again. So, we can say that looping is a highly intense emotional flashback that’s giving us specific information on repeat.
Common Loop Types
Regret and remorse are behind every loop and they tend to involve other people. A mistake we made or someone hurt us and got away with it. Such memories fill us with anger, grief, and shame. Oh, how we wish we could go back in time with what we know now but we didn’t know then! The loops amplify our would have, could have, should have thinking. They remind us that we can’t change the past. And so, we need a different solution. Let’s look at a few examples of loop types.
The Anger and Betrayal Loop: Age thirteen, I’m angry-venting to my enabler father about my borderline mother’s ongoing abuse of me. (Both underline terms are in Trauma Glossary 1.) My father replies, “You’re just like her. See your temper? You’re getting more like her every day.” I take this to mean that I am evil and I must overcompensate through my actions. He tells me this lie and keeps repeating it, all so he can justify his refusal to help me. My father is revealing himself as my covert enemy but it will take me over thirty years to see it.
The Guilt and Grief Loop: My baby brother, age four or five says, “I’m such a idiot!” and he is trying not to cry. I am fifteen or sixteen and I reply, “No you’re not.” Then he reiterates, “Yes I am! I’m a idiot!” I was calling him an idiot occasionally, not because I thought he was one, but out of frustration. Because of me, this innocent child fully believes that he’s an idiot, and I can’t change his mind.
Both loops are mine. I mastered one but still struggle with the other.
Closure Closes the Loop Forever
Unresolved pain is behind every loop. And until we process it, it will keep reenacting the same scene in an infinite loop. That’s why they continue to haunt us like a ghostly imprint from the past. So, how do we bring it closure so that we are not returning to the loop over and over again throughout our lives?
Name the Legacy. What was the overall theme of that period of your life? This is where we widen the loop so that we can see what was going on around this scene at the time. A lot of times, the mistake looms so large, we lose focus on everything else that was going on, including the things that we did well. Or the injustice that was done to us blinds us to the impossible situation we were stuck in and with limited resources.
Make Amends. Obviously, when we hurt someone, we show remorse and offer a sincere apology. We can also follow that up with a compassionate learning experience. Even a simple acknowledgement of what caused the mistake followed by a plan on what to do next time in a similar situation. This gives our loop some long-term information on What happens next? Then what? And then what?
This also applies to an injustice done to us. When we are looping it’s because we are holding ourselves responsible in some way, even when we were the injured ones. Dare to explore the parts we are holding responsible for our own abuse and show them compassion. Then make amends to the Self in some way.
The Ultimate Goal is Self-forgiveness
Contrary to popular misinformation, forgiving our abuser is not a healing requirement. Forgiveness always starts with the self. So, what does self-forgiveness look like when someone hurt us? Well, let’s take a look at how I mastered my anger and betrayal loop at my father.
Name the Legacy: I couldn’t see my father’s lies for what they were at the time because I was still a child. As children, survival hinges on believing at least one parent cares. I knew my mother didn’t, so I needed to believe my father cared.
Make Amends: Thirty-two years of poor decisions were made before I finally saw the lie for what it was. Not only did I have major self-abandonment issues but I also said “no” to ever having children. I went through a year of rage flashbacks – which I wrote about (here) – until I finally championed for myself by writing and performing a confrontation rap to my father.
Self-forgiveness: I did not forgive my father, but I brought peace to my system and said goodbye forever to that anger and betrayal loop. Self-forgiveness was achieved by “telling him” everything I didn’t know then but I certainly know it now.
Forgiving Our Mistakes Too
Forgiving the self is how we guarantee ourselves from getting sucked back into the loop’s vortex. We bring relief to our system by making amends when we are the ones in the wrong. Then we can forgive ourselves and recover from it. So, let’s look at the grief and guilt loop with my baby brother.
Name the Legacy: Childcare responsibilities fell on my shoulders from age eleven and up. I was mostly good to him, validated and comforted him when our mother was verbally abusive and gave him freedom when he was alone in my care. I was also the family scapegoat in an abusive home. So, I was constantly under pressure. But I did the best I could for my brother under the circumstances.
Make Amends: I’ve apologized to my brother, even as adults. He has forgiven me, and he’s even gone as far as telling me that what I did wasn’t a big deal.
Self-forgiveness: Not yet, but I’m working on it. Seeing his baby face and those big blue eyes welling up with tears while calling himself an idiot still breaks my heart. That loop doesn’t last long because I’m able to remind myself of what was going on at the time (name the legacy) and that my brother has forgiven me (make amends). But until I forgive myself, I will remain vulnerable to that loop.