I spoke of the healing powers of creativity and how to unlock your own last week. One sure sign of healing is when our creativity starts to flourish. But in what direction varies from person to person. Just as no two healing journeys are the same, the same applies to our creative journey. So, since we tend to learn even more from other people’s examples, I get to share the story of my own creative journey this week. You see, in my pre-healing days (which spanned over two decades of my adult life) I was “too analytical” for creativity. Knowing what we know about left (logic) and right (creativity) brain, what does this tell you? The neuropathways in my right brain had some major blockages. Apart from my (bad) fiction writings, there just wasn’t much else.
Every time we try something new, we open new neuropathways. But when we limit our neuropathways, we are also limiting our life. Believe me, I lived that that one. Educating ourselves on trauma and what we need to do to heal only takes us so far until we open fresh neuropathways. And that’s where creativity comes into play. After all, creativity also leads to innovation.
Today, I look back on my past self and think, Oh what a dull existence it was for me as an extreme left-brainer! But at the time, I didn’t know any better. I thought this was all there was in my nature and that’s all I would ever be. Then my healing journey began in late 2018 and by 2020, my creativity began to flourish. But that was just phase one of my creative journey. In 2023, it really took off and continues to this day. It’s a reflection of my healing, growth, and improved resilience.
Brief Recap
Last week’s article is (here). It includes a directory of dirt cheap beginner kits – with links – to various creative venues that may pique your interest. Also includes ten different ways that creativity can and will help you heal. And I hope you find something to try. Because this article includes my lived experiences confirming that creativity works.
My Creative Journey Phase One
The year was 2020, post-EMDR, struggling with not one, but two overwhelming flashbacks. Desperate for relief, I went on a quest trying new things. In other words, I opened new pathways and both my healing and creativity flourished. All of this happened in a single year!
Martial Arts – Creating a Rap – Scrapbooking – Decorating a Room – History Comics
Martial Arts: February 2020
One day on a whim, I thought, What if I just need to beat the snot out of something? So, I walked into a kickboxing gym and upon trying it out, I realized it was the very thing my flashbacks needed. This was the same year everyone in the USA received a government stimulus check. This meant I had enough money to buy the biggest punching bag stand on the market. But not having the time or resources to join a dojo, I did the next best thing and taught myself through YouTube videos.
Creating a Rap: May 2020
Then by May of that same year, four words popped in my head, “Coward! Traitor! Spineless Enabler!” This was the hook of an unwritten song. But I was no musician, and what did I know about rhyming? Someone from my past – who was the source of one of my overwhelming flashbacks – deserved a confrontation letter but the idea of writing it long-handed seemed daunting. Why not play with telling him off in a rap? So, I told him everything I wanted to say to him, set it to the instrumental version of Yorktown from the Hamilton Musical, and performed it in time for Father’s Day. I crammed so much creativity into my performance (which included a segment of “kicking his butt” via my punching bag) that I defeated that flashback! And I did it without forgiving my abuser.
Scrapbooking: August 2020
By the end of July, I was so proud of my amazing growth in the span of 90 days, I created my first scrapbook commemorating my progress. Combining pictures with (for once, decent) writings, “Previously, in Jaena’s World…” telling my story in third person like a narrator refreshing the “audience’s” memory. I still do these every 90 days. Reflecting on what I have done through the lens of an outside observer who is always rooting for me helps me remember my small wins and practice self-compassion.
Decorating a Room: August – October 2020
Next came the understanding that I had spent a lifetime living inside my head and ignoring everything else around me. So, it was time to teach myself that I have control of my life by the practice of making my outer world as beautiful as my inner world (imagination). I decided to decorate my home office and immediately envisioned a spring-themed room with splashes of bright canary yellow. I knew nothing about spackle, primer, and paint, but I learned. Just for laughs, I decided to share my daily progress on Facebook and was shocked by the number of people who became invested so quickly. They enjoyed rooting for me and giving me tips. And I was happy to receive them. I cannot tell you what this did for my social engagement system. It also helped me accept myself and my creation as perfectly imperfect.
History Comics: November 2020
By the end of October, it was time to make my second “Previously, in Jaena’s World…” scrapbook. But upon comparing my accomplishments of my recent 90 days to the one before, I had one massive shame spiral. For comfort, I imagined my favorite person in history giving me a pep talk. A script was written and out of that exercise, I reparented myself. Wanting to make it more than just a script, and having no confidence in my ability to draw, I improvised with expressive selfies and my favorite pictures of George Washington. Then I laid it all out like comic book panels. I was shocked by the reactions of those who saw my creation, because I was sure it was weird. But they found it hilarious and the most entertaining history lesson they had ever read. That inspired me to create more history comics to entertain and inspire others.
Creativity Leads to Innovation!
Creativity doesn’t have to be linear and we don’t always have to develop an artistic skill before putting creativity into practice. Once we open new neuropathways, innovation happens. And that’s when we find unique ways of working around our perceived limitations to get the results we want. Not knowing anything about creating music, I managed to rhyme and then discover the instrumental version of my favorite Hamilton song. I didn’t know how to draw but I knew how to take pictures and glue them onto black cardstock. I ended up creating a unique comic book that uses pictures instead of illustrations. Right-brain helps left-brain receive fresh insights and then we can use our learning experiences to help others. I unlocked all that creativity and by the summer of 2021, I went live with this site and started giving back.
This directory to my history comics will show you my first “Previously, in Jaena’s World…” scrapbook (issue 0.5) which includes the lyrics to my Father’s Day rap. You will also see the other comics, but especially the one that started it all. Guided Wisdom with George Washington (issue 1).
How to take old school tools – like the confrontation letter and empty chair – and mix it up for maximum closure is (here). Because I want to see others completely heal an old wound like I did with my Father’s Day rap.
This developed into my creation of (this tool), The Branches of Healing. The more “branches” we use, the more we heal.
My Creative Journey Phase Two: 2023-2024
By the end of 2022, I left my soul-crushing job of 28 years. I cashed out on early retirement so that I could focus full-time on helping my Complex-PTSD community. I broke a major chain by leaving that job and daring to answer my life’s calling. So, more neuropathways were opening and waiting to receive new information. You could say that the year 2023 began as both scary and meaningful. But on September 29th, I would wake to a phone call that would shatter me to the core. It was up to my friends and my ongoing creative journey to pull me from the abyss.
Joining a Dojo – Painting Canvases – Memorial Art & Playlist – Memorial Writings – Embroidery
Joining a Dojo: January 2023
I finally had the time and resources to join a dojo. It’s always great when we meet a whole community of people who have a common interest. Even though, despite my two years of self-taught martial arts, I realized on my first day that I was the least skilled there, I was still welcomed. Having an opportunity to learn from literally everyone has been amazing. Always open to their tips on improving and elated each time someone told me I was improving, I am no longer the least skilled, nor am I the best. But it gives me the opportunity to continue learning from others and also encourage the newer members with the same grace I was given when I first joined.
Painting Canvases: March 2023
No one was more surprised than myself the day I unlocked my inner artist. It began with my IFS (Internal Family Systems) studies, knowing that writing at least one article on IFS therapy was on the horizon. (Spoiler alert: I ended up writing seven articles on IFS!) So, my motive was more for educating my Complex-PTSD community than for myself. I used it on myself purely to gain a deeper understanding on how it works. Lo and behold, I healed an Exile, who is my inner artist today. Since one of my heal-alongs was sharing that IFS story and pictures of my creative journey with art, I will just leave you with the link (here).
Memorial Art & Playlist: September 29th – February 2024
I lost my Grandmother, (and yes, I have turned her into a proper noun) the most important person of my life. Believe me when I tell you that whenever life deals you a devastating blow like the one I’ve suffered, you will be grateful for own your creative journey. Today’s “hobby” will become tomorrow’s most important healing tool. Because creativity gives you something to do when you feel like you can’t do anything else. Prior to September 29th, my artwork was just something to play and experiment with in my spare time. But after September 29th, it became something more. But first, I bought two beginner kits: mandala kit and paint pouring. And I just tinkered as I began to process ways to create meaningful artwork to honor my Grandmother.
Being a lifetime music junkie, I built a playlist of songs that represented my grief and also who she was as a person. I collected 24 songs in time for my road trip to my Grandmother’s funeral. Today that playlist has swelled to forty songs. It serves as the ideal companion while making art in her honor. Since losing her, I am far more patient with my artwork and I take my time. Her playlist acts as the auditory reminder of the visual I’m creating that is worthy of who she was. Art makes me feel like I am gifting her with more love even though she is no longer here to receive it. (I will share pictures of those creations at the end.)
Memorial Writings: November – February 2024
I have written three pieces honoring her memory. The Beautiful Woman, a short piece that I included in my latest scrapbook accompanying four pictures of her. Then two long pieces, Because I Had You, my gratitude letter to her, and She’s Still There, where I processed coping through her dementia years up to losing her. Creative writings have helped me unload the heaviness in my heart by getting it out and sharing those writings with others.
Embroidery: February 2024 – Present
Having inherited a collection of my Grandmother’s old embroidery work (60+ years old), I noticed one of her cloths was an untouched pattern. And it seemed to me that the greatest honor I could give was to complete that pattern for her. But first, I must learn embroidery. So, I bought the very beginner kit that I linked in last week’s article. As winter is in its death throes, I take my kit and her playlist with me to my gazebo on the warm and sunny days. I sit with it until all forty songs of her playlist have finished. The gazebo is where I feel more (for lack of a better term) “spiritually connected” with my Grandmother and I like to think of her watching me learn her craft. I’m making mistakes every day, but I’m also learning from them.
Some mistakes have been downright funny, while others have been frustrating. I have lost one needle and broken another one. Thank goodness this kit comes with extra needles. But I have also broken my threader and had to buy a new one. I allow myself to take breaks when frustrated but as long as my Grandmother’s playlist continues to play, it’s a gentle reminder to recover from the mistake. But the thing I’ve learned most is that I actually enjoy embroidering! I would have never guessed that had I not tried it.
My Gallery in Pictures
My creative journey through the grief, these are my creations. From “just tinkering” to getting inspired, to my writings, advancing my art, and finally, my embroidery lessons so far.
From Tinkering to Inspiration
I call this one The Light in the Darkness. After tinkering with my first paint pour, I took a second canvas and pressed all four edges around the paint’s overspill on the drop-cloth. It looked like a cave on the verge of collapsing. And just like that, I was inspired to create my first painting honoring my Grandmother. I painted light (yellow is my signature color) as the destroyer of the cave and in the middle of the light is a misty angel.
This is another paint pour that started as “just tinkering”. I used two colors in this one because I just wanted the sky. And it had everything to do with how I was going to the gazebo every day to stare at the sky while mourning my Grandmother. I would later paint my gazebo into the sky with me inside it. Also painting my Grandmother into existence, watching me as an angel.
Memorial spread with one of my writings
My creative journey reminded me when it was time to make my new “Previously, in Jaena’s World…” scrapbook, that I am also a writer. And my Grandmother deserved a memorial spot in my scrapbook. While I cannot include my other two writings because they are mammoths, I can include this short piece in the caption below the image. Here is my memorial spread. (And do you like my paint-stained desk?)
My artwork advances
My first experiment with painting still life. What else would I choose but the flowers I bought for her funeral?
I enjoy dipping pieces of polymer clay into my leftover paints and then setting them aside until I’m ready to use them in a fresh piece. I call this one Light is Calling. Those yellow clay pieces around the top edges all came from the night I painted The Light in the Darkness. The other clay pieces represent my creative journey from just before I lost my Grandmother up to my mourning period.
Learning and loving embroidery
This is the untouched pattern that belonged to my Grandmother. The good news is, it is all one type of stitch, the cross-stitch. The bad news is, the cloth is quite old and I must practice patience and gentleness before touching this one. Lest I risk ripping this cloth.
This is my embroidery work so far. It’s my favorite picture because it’s the day I practiced the chain stitch for the first time. Next to my work is my Grandmother’s chain stitches (which you see in her flower stems). I’m nowhere near as good as she was, but I know I will get there. Sewing is in my blood after all. I just have to teach my brain and my hands how to understand what already exists in my DNA.
