Last week’s heal-along was my example of how to heal our parts when access to the Exile is denied. This one is my IFS work on freeing one of my Exiles. And so, it’s a companion piece to our third article in this IFS series, which is on healing the Exile (here).
Interestingly enough, the story of the Exile and her Protector parts I’m sharing with you were the very next set of parts I worked with after discovering my Polarized Parts in last week’s heal-along. You will see the “stars” of last week’s heal-along, Distractor and Live-Wire come up in conversation with this new set of parts you’re about to meet. I have done extensive IFS work since December of 2022 and have met many interesting parts of myself. All of whom provided me with insights so valuable, I wish I could share all of them.
However, just as I could only share one of the traumas I processed in my EMDR heal-along, the same applies here. After all, these are articles, not books. And since I consider my site an educational one, I only share my personal experiences when they are relevant to topics we are covering.
Finally, with each part I met, visualization was my dominant inner-sense. I was able to visualize the scene and what each part looked like perfectly. And I do believe it was my Alexithymia years (which spanned over two decades) that gave me this ability. Much in the same way the blind tend to develop excellent hearing to make up for their lack of sight, I developed excellent visualization to make up for my broken emotional signal. So, my point is, you likely have your own inner-senses that will guide you and it won’t necessarily be visualization.
Baby Girl: Age 3, My Most Successful IFS Work
This Exile was a catastrophizing (Trauma Glossary 2) part. I got curious one day after noticing an ongoing pattern. Every time I do any kind of admin work that involves speaking to a professional – even if it’s tech support – I am swamped with a blind panic. And it can take several hours of calming my system down just to make the phone call. But it was the various ways of soothing myself that made me realize I had an Exile and more than one Protector. As it turned out, I had one Analytical part and two Avoidant parts protecting this Exile.
Body Sensation: Heart racing, numb forearms.
What it says: “You’re going to get bad news.”
Behaves: Nervous, procrastinates, hesitates.
What it wants: Safety and hiding.
Makes me behave: Move around, rocking, shallow breathing, urge to find something else to do.
Concerned Parts Activated:
- Preparer (Thom)
- Sleepy and Hungry (HALT)
- Distractor
Having already worked with Distractor (the chronic daydreamer), I only had to create two more biography sheets. It would be a while before I got to know Preparer and learned that his name was Thom.
Name: Preparer (Thom)
Looks Like: Lawyer with papers preparing a brief. Wears a blue suit.
What it says: “It’s going to be okay as long as we go over it again.”
Situations that trigger it: Insecurity and inadequacy.
Thom was so focused on preparing his briefs, he didn’t even look up when I asked permission to examine the Exile. “Yes,” he said dismissively with a wave of his hand.
So, that only left HALT in my IFS work.
She hates me…
I named her HALT after the Al-Anon tool (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) because her means of avoidance was to give me sudden cravings, especially hunger or an urge to take a nap. But she would also cause me to pee more frequently. Having been a chain smoker for nearly thirty years, I also wonder if her cravings include my nicotine addiction. So, after creating her biography sheet, I opened up our dialogue.
Self: What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role?
HALT: Soothe and calm your stress. I keep you from being overwhelmed.
Self: What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
HALT: You won’t function.
(I yawned and felt a sudden urge to lay my head on my desk.)
Self: You’re powerful. I feel you making me tired and going blank, but I feel your presence still. I see that you’re aware of your power. And you don’t like me, or you don’t like the Exile?
Her response was turning into the Emperor from Return of the Jedi. The meaning behind the image was crystal clear. HALT despised me and wanted me destroyed.
She Hates Me Not…
That was when I spoke to my close friend with DID who is my IFS mentor. She assured me that HALT doesn’t really hate me. She is a young part acting out, just like children say “I hate you” when they don’t really mean it. So, in IFS work, I should validate its emotions and give it lots of assurance. Watch how quickly it worked after following my friend’s advice.
Self: I see you’re angry. I made you wrathful by my question. I also see how protective you are of the Exile. So, thank you. Your job is not threatened. We’re on the same side here with the Exile. I want to help heal it and you can be by my side while we do so. But for now, I want to get to know you. Is this okay?
HALT: I can be there when you talk to it? It’s a promise? All right, what else do you want to know then?
Self: How do you relate to people?
HALT: We don’t, we stay away.
Self: How do you interact with the other parts?
HALT: Distractor helps me and so does Preparer [Thom]. We prevent you from feeling failure. Live-Wire is just using and redistributing the panic energy into moving and doing.
Self: You really are powerful. Perhaps you could help me mediate between Live-Wire and Distractor. Did Distractor tell you that we’ve been working on his confidence?
HALT: I might like that. But let’s see the Exile first.
Baby Girl, the Healing Virtuoso
I had no idea how old my Exile was or what trauma it was holding until I Witnessed its story. She led with the memory of dropping a glass jar of jelly on the floor and it shattered into pieces at my grandparents’ house. I was three years old and I cried so hard, Grandmother thought I had hurt myself. Once she realized I was crying over the broken jar, Grandmother said, “It’s okay baby, it was an accident. I’ll clean it up for you.” Then I pleaded, “Please don’t tell mommy!” To which Grandmother assured, “I won’t.”
Baby Girl wanted Grandmother to know why she cried over the broken jar and why she was terrified of her mother finding out. She needed my help articulating so that her grandmother would understand. And so, I gave her that. I always remembered the countless times my borderline mother beat me for spilling or dropping anything, and I resented her for it. But experiencing this three-year-old narrate her story made me teary-eyed. I recalled vividly the thoughts and feelings I developed as a toddler who was learning to hate herself for making mistakes. I watched as my Grandmother responded to Baby Girl the same way she responded to me when I was twenty-five years old and finally told her my story. She held me, cried with me, and gave me her unwavering support.
When Baby Girl finished, she looked at me and said, “I want to live with my Grandmommy and I never want to see my mommy again.” Then she flung her arms to the light and returned to Grandmother’s embrace. Baby Girl had just achieved two of the 3 R’s (Relocate, Release the burdens) in the Witnessing stage of healing the Exile. But there was more IFS work to do.
Party Central Brain Fog
Each Sunday, I make a video in the support group I run. Nothing fancy and certainly without editing equipment. I just share tips, something new I have learned, or fresh insights in general. And whatever I say in that ten or fifteen minute video gets posted, verbal ticks included. Well, my IFS work with Baby Girl happened on a Sunday, just before I recorded my video. Since I had been studying IFS, I was sharing what I was learning and also my experiences applying it on myself. But my brain fog was intense and also strange. I kept seeing the same image. A sea of faces looking at each other with laughter and amazement, all saying the same thing: “I can’t believe she did that!”
So, there I was, recording myself and attempting to explain how to heal an Exile while my whole system was throwing a party. Miraculously, I got through it, though with obvious struggles and apologies. I recall saying, “I just released an Exile less than an hour ago, and apparently its side effects include brain fog, but a weird happy kind.”
Fortunately, my IFS mentor also happens to be my co-admin of the group. She assured me that my happy brain fog means that my brain is re-wiring. She advised me to sit with it and “just let the s*** settle” and don’t do any more IFS work until the brain fog lifts. I was curious what it was that was being re-wired and if I would notice the change. It wouldn’t take me long to find out what it was.
Preparer Thom Prepares a Beautiful Treatment Plan
A couple days later, the brain fog lifted. It was time to complete the 3 R’s, which was Reparenting Baby Girl. So, we visited her at her new location, my grandparents’ house. And of all her Protectors, it was Thom who stepped forward. The image of a lawyer preoccupied with his paperwork suddenly transformed into this kindly child psychologist. Thom gripped the legs of his trousers to squat in front of her with a smile and soothing voice. Baby Girl was scared her Protectors were here to take her away, but Thom assured her we were only visiting. We were here to help her develop better thoughts and feelings about herself and to not be afraid of mistakes anymore. Baby Girl relaxed and even got excited.
Thom created a two-column list. One side for “Burdens” and the other side for “Lifted”. He began with her Burdens column and asked for three things. Uncomfortable emotion (Fear), body discomfort (Racing heart and weak, numb forearms), and the worst belief she has because of what happened to her. (“Mistakes are dangerous.”) If this sounds like Phase 3 of EMDR to you, then you’re very much correct.
He even showed her the cognition sheet and asked her to point at every negative cognition she has when making a mistake. It was quite a list! Then he gave her a new belief under the Lifted column. “Mistakes are good because we learn from them and it’s how we develop our character.” He told her to practice saying that every time she feared making a mistake. He then asked her to list the positive cognitions that might help her better believe in the mantra he gave her. And so, another list was made.
Thom’s Assessment and Goals
Thom assigned Security as the counter-emotion to Fear. Then, for her body sensations, he wanted her to practice looking forward to something and being exited about it, since the heart rate tends to rise in such moments. He told her she did enough work for one day and promised we would return tomorrow with fun activities to help with the rest of her reparenting. I went out and bought some spinach cans – and not just any kind of spinach, Popeye spinach cans. Because she was a fan of the Popeye cartoons. (Yes, I am that old.) According to Thom, these were to be Baby Girl’s “weights” to use in her five minute arm curls. This way, her forearms would stop feeling weak. The IFS translation is, I do five minute arm curls with the Popeye cans of spinach while being present for Baby Girl.
We arrived the next day with her very own “weights” and a canvas and paints. Baby Girl was excited to play with paints. Her mother had always forbidden it. Thom explained the assignment. Since Baby Girl was beaten for spilling, he wanted her to choose two or three paints to spill on the canvas. Then, as her first practice assignment for recovering from mistakes, her challenge was to make pretty abstract artwork out of the spilled paint. It was oddly good for a first time.
And Baby Girl loved it so much, she wanted to do it again. So, off to the craft store I went for more canvases and paints. And that’s how Baby Girl went from a healing virtuoso to a budding artist.
Today I paint pretty canvases and no one suspects they are all done by my three-year-old part. That’s the power of IFS work. We unlock hidden talent.
Artwork by Baby Girl
Here is how the artwork progressed, in order. Sure, there were two or three duds that have been created and disposed of, so they aren’t pictured. But most of the paintings have turned out surprisingly good and currently reside in homes of various friends.
My whole life, I have jokingly referred to myself as the “anti-artist” because as far back as kindergarten, I seemed to have a special knack for butchering all art projects. Who would have predicted that healing a catastrophizing part that feared mistakes would unlock my inner-artist? That’s the main takeaway I want to leave you with. If IFS work led me to discover an artist within me, what might your IFS work unlock in you?
This is phenomenal! Thank you!