Grieving is when we give ourselves permission to cry over a problem. Sadness is what we feel before we grieve, but we don’t always grant ourselves permission. Sadness is the emotion we easily push away, especially in today’s hectic life. When more urgent, high energy emotions, like anger or anxiety have our attention, it’s hard to notice the sadness that’s lurking beneath. It’s a low energy emotion that’s opposite of life’s demands. But sadness is a slow building volcano and the longer we repress it, the more devastating it is when it erupts. We know this as depression.
Depression: The Science of Sadness in the Red Zone
When we are depressed, it causes a part of our brain known as the Timekeeper to go offline. The Timekeeper, (Trauma Glossary 3) truly lives up to its name, as it rules all things time related. Our perception of time, event timing, and even motor timing is determined by this part of our brain. Therefore, when we’re depressed, it feels like the problem will go on forever. When a problem feels infinite, we feel trapped and overwhelmed by it.
This science seems so unfair, considering the dangers that depression can feed. (Suicidal Ideation among others in Trauma Glossary 2.) But this science is showing us the unfairness we’ve been committing against ourselves. Repressing and invalidating our problems for too long have led us into “the red zone” of sadness, itself. It’s forcing us to see them as the ongoing problems they have been and will continue to be until we fully process them.
Show me someone with low energy and I will show you someone who struggles with depression. We crave sleep after a good cry because of our body chemicals. Serotonin and dopamine levels drop, and our melatonin rises. (All underlined terms are in section 3 of Trauma Glossary 3.) Have you ever heard, “Sleep, it will all look better in the morning?” Rest is part of self-care and that’s what sadness wants, for us to see the problem and practice self-compassion. Depression is the super-nurse who’s forcing us to stay in the hospital because our wounds have festered. We have ignored our inner nurturer, Sadness for too long and now we’re at the mercy of a nurse who may or may not be competent enough to heal us.
A Word on Blocked Grief: My Disclaimer
I have blocked grief and believe me, if you’re able to cry without effort, I envy you. While I’ve been capable of going years without shedding a tear, I have also suffered the volcanic effects of depression because of it. My volcano of sadness only erupts every five or so years. Like I said, sadness is a slow building volcano and repressing it only causes the sadness to build until it has nowhere else to go but out. Healing has helped me understand it and work through this issue. I’ve learned that every time I allow myself to cry, I am resetting that five year clock. (Blocked Emotions can be found in Trauma Glossary 2, where I defined both blocked grief and blocked anger.)
The last time I had a good cry was New Year’s Eve of 2021, meaning, I’m safe from depression for another five years. If I cry again between now and New Year’s Eve of 2026, I can keep myself out of the “red zone” even longer. Why am I sharing this with you? Because only hypocrites tell others what they should be doing without disclosing that they have difficulty practicing what they preach. And I don’t ever want to be a hypocrite. The other reason is, I learned such a valuable lesson that New Year’s Eve, I’ve created a new Heal-Along sharing the story of what happened that evening. It’s also a story of how we can use our flashbacks (Trauma Glossary 2) to solve a problem in real time.
Dread: How We Invalidate Our Sadness
Last week I talked about dread as low-level fear. It’s obligation based and focused on the immediate future. Whatever it is we are dreading, it feels inescapable. When left unchecked, it gets us stuck in a rut. It isn’t the emotion that’s the problem, it’s the self-talk we are using to invalidate ourselves.
We minimize and normalize our feelings of dread by projecting it onto the collective. Consider how the one might say “All couples fight” while they dread going home to a verbally abusive spouse. Or one who dreads going to work might say “No one likes their job” as a means of limiting potential. It’s any form of self-talk that means “stop feeling sorry for yourself.” So, we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and keep enduring what makes us sad.
And yet the success stories did the reverse. I can’t tell you the number of stories I’ve heard that began with depression. They fully acknowledged that they were stuck in a rut and dared to question if there was more to life than what they were enduring. Then, after processing through the depression, they began thinking beyond their old limitations. They endured the pain of validating their sadness instead of using invalidation to endure a painful, ongoing situation.
The Five Stages of Grief: An Excellent Template
The 5 Stages of Grief are in no particular order:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
We grieve over a sudden loss, such as a breakup, death of a loved one or loss of job. We have identified something missing in our lives and our tears are helping us process it. The five stages of grief work us through our denial and into acceptance. We cannot recover until we reach acceptance.
This same template can be used for identifying the ongoing dread of obligations. Sadness and grief are only asking us to fully acknowledge we have a problem. If we can shut off the inner voice that’s telling us to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, then we can honor the other thing sadness wants. We can’t validate our problems until we dare to feel sorry for ourselves. When the reward is innovation and busting through the limits we have in our current lives, how can we resist grieving? When the reward is preventative maintenance from the “red zone” of depression, how can we resist grieving?
Sadness and Anger are How We Reparent
Did you know that anger is outer-directed grief? That isn’t all that anger and sadness have in common. They are actually two halves of our emotions that make up our inner-parental unit. Notice, for example, how anger is one of the five stages of grief. We can look at anger as our inner-father figure, or mother bear, whichever you prefer. Sadness nurtures and validates us. Sadness sympathizes and wants to comfort us (validation). Anger is our champion and protector. No wonder our leading authority on Complex-PTSD, Pete Walker talks about the importance of using them both in concert.
Additional Tools and Suggestions
In Master Toolbox 1, I listed tools for depression and followed it up with many “see also” in Master Toolbox 2. Depression is complicated and once we hit that “red zone” it’s difficult to find our way out, though not impossible. While those who suffer MDD, PMDD, or have low but ongoing depression in their daily lives will forever have my sympathy and respect, I also know that the best we can do is keep ourselves as safe from the “red zone” as possible.
I will offer one more suggestion. Take just a few minutes out of your day to reflect and check in with yourself. In today’s world, distraction is at our fingertips. How often do we distract ourselves by mindlessly scrolling through social media, video play or binge watching a show? It’s numbing us from our ongoing problems. No, I’m not saying cease and desist. I’m only saying that just a few minutes a day of putting down your phone and turning off the TV to check in with yourself will add up over time to a brighter tomorrow. Fully acknowledge, accept and validate yourself. In case no one has told you lately, you deserve it!