Setting Boundaries and Holding Your Position

Setting boundaries and holding firm to them is the greatest challenge in our Complex-PTSD community. That’s because our self-abandonment programming tends to run our life. Until we do the healing work, of course. You see, behind our programming is toxic shame. And so, when attempting to assert, it tends to trigger a shame spiral, or at least the threat of one. And that is our core problem with setting boundaries.

Shame Spiral: a common side-effect of being raised in toxic shame. When triggered, spirals into self-attacking accusations to the point where the sufferer is tempted into giving up and isolating. (e.g., Disappointing any ONE person triggers the grandiose belief “I disappoint everyone…and must therefore give up and/or isolate myself.”)

Trauma Glossary 2: Ongoing Problems You May Have

Yikes! With a headspace like ours, who needs enemies? How did this come about and what can we do about it? Well, think character assassination because it’s a great word. Instead of bullets flying at us in the physical sense, we are being shot at emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Having parents who consistently assassinated our character has taught us to consistently assassinate ourselves. That’s our programming.

This is a continuation of our last article, which was on self-abandonment, people pleasing versus helping people. (Here.) It also covers how the programming developed, what causes it to trigger in real time, and what we can do about it. Since setting boundaries is the ultimate goal of breaking free from this and it tends to be the most often asked question, it should have an independent article.

What are Boundaries and Why are They So Hard?

Boundaries come from a place of validating our side, knowing our worth, how we deserve to be treated, and then asserting those needs. That’s why they are so hard to implement when we have Complex-PTSD. How can we set boundaries if we can’t even begin to understand that we are more worthy than our programming has (mis-) led us to believe? We tend to over-anticipate the other person’s reaction if we set a boundary. Will I be attacked? – we wonder – Or will I self-attack (shame spiral) because it will feel like I am “confirming” all of the bad things my parents taught me to believe about myself?

Unfortunately, working through the programming takes time. That’s why the first and most important boundary we should set is internal. And from there, we look outward and start small. Setting boundaries is a skill. The more we practice, the greater our skill level. So, just like when we learn any new skill, we need to start at a beginner’s level. But there’s one more reason why we should start small. It’s our biological science.

*See also Trauma Glossary 3, because trauma impacts our brain and body. Our biological science tends to be the last to get the message that it’s finally safe. That’s why we can’t just snap our fingers and adopt better habits and beliefs. It’s also why we have a “pain period” of practicing what we learn. We have to teach our science new experiences and new ways of understanding ourselves.

Now, are you ready to practice self-compassion, patience, and champion for yourself? Let’s begin.

Boundary 1: Start with the Self

Self-care is crucial for self-discovery work. It’s also important for proving to our science that we are on our side now. So, the first thing we want to do is create a three-column list.

In the first column, answer these questions. These are areas of your life where your needs are unmet and where you will want to start implementing boundaries.

1. Who/What drains you?
2. What type of situations do you dread?
3. What settings or situations make you uncomfortable?

In the second column, answer these questions. These are areas of your life where your needs are being met. You may want to implement boundaries to protect them.

1. Who/What brings peace to your system?
2. What activities bring you personal fulfillment?
3. Where do you enjoy going?
4. What types of experiences bring you a meaningful human connection?

In the third column, answer these questions. This is to explore the types of boundaries you currently practice. (Weak or rigid.) In situations where you don’t do these, you are practicing healthy boundaries.

Weak boundaries:

1. Do you need another opinion to validate yours before voicing your own?
2. Do you tend to verbally agree with others’ views even when you don’t entirely agree?
3. When someone texts or asks for help, do you feel pressured to answer immediately?
4. Do you tend to say yes to “helping” people pleasing when you would rather say no?
5. Have you ever over-promised only to find yourself overwhelmed by acting on it?
6. Do you tend to over-share?

Rigid boundaries:

1. Do you isolate excessively?
2. Do you keep yourself aloof and emotionally distant from others in a social setting?
3. If someone disagrees with your viewpoint in a polite conversation, do you disengage immediately? Give them the “silent treatment”?

Affirmations for You

First, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Craving time alone to decompress – especially after socializing – and then tending to that need is one of the ways we practice healthy boundaries. It’s only a problem when isolation is a lifestyle. Where our self-abandonment programming is concerned, we tend to isolate because of our weak boundaries. If no one gets too close to us, no one will think of asking us for any favors. While it’s an understandable means of protecting ourselves from doing things we would rather not, it’s also how we stay stuck. Remember what I said earlier about our biological science?

Do you know why isolating is such a devastating form of abuse? It shuts down our Social Engagement System, which is in the top section of our brain and half of our Vagus Nerve (the VVC). Isolation is the fastest means of having a Dopamine deficiency. Because Dopamine shares a converter (Norepinephrine) with Cortisol, it becomes imbalanced. Imbalanced Cortisol automatically imbalances Serotonin. Our system still runs the same as it did in primitive times, when safety in numbers was key to survival. So, when we are isolated, we have emotional numbness, a loss of identity, digestion and immunity problems, and we forget that we can call for help.

Interpersonal Trauma is the No Closure Wound

Isolation is not a boundary. You matter and you deserve to take up space just like everyone else. The great conundrum though is getting this truth to fully digest. And the only way to believe we matter and deserve to take up space is by putting it into practice. Giving ourselves new experiences with setting boundaries successfully. Now let’s explore some outer-directed boundaries, what they are, and how to establish them.

8 Outer-Directed Boundaries

The eight types are: body, emotional, mental, ownership, responsibilities, social, spiritual, and time. Many of these cross over. For example, there could be a situation that calls for mental, social, and emotional boundaries. But for a more digestible understanding, I am keeping each one “pure”. Different settings, situations, and people call for different boundaries. Sharing resources with a partner is understandable but sharing resources with someone who wants to mooch calls for a boundary. Boundaries in the workplace tend to differ drastically from an enjoyable night out. And so on. It’s all about your comfort level and saying no to behaviors that cause you discomfort or stress. All the examples you will see are how we state our boundaries diplomatically, which is level one of asserting. (More on the three levels of asserting at the end.)

Body

This is both physical and sexual. It’s saying who can and cannot touch you. It’s also validating your need for personal space. Some people like to lean in too closely. Though they aren’t touching you, it can feel intrusive. And speaking of personal space, it can also include an awareness of your discomfort in crowded areas and then speaking up when a friend or partner suggests going to such places.

• “I’m not in the mood for sex tonight.”
• “I’m uncomfortable with hugs.”
• “A little elbow room, please.”
• “I’d rather not go anywhere that’s too crowded.”

Emotional

This is where people pleasing tends to hit us hardest. It seems that most us have had that one friend who is always in a crisis. And we are “the only one” they can turn to for help. The problem is, the conversation is always circular. Meaning it’s the same type of crisis with zero growth. And each conversation tends to be all about them without us ever having a chance to talk about our day. This type of “helping” someone is draining because it isn’t helping someone at all. It’s the essence of people pleasing itself. So, more affirmations for you: Absolutely no one enjoys people pleasing. You are a human being, not a human doing. And you are not a human servant.

• “I can’t help you right now. I have too much on my plate.”
• “I can’t help you until you do something to help yourself.”
• “No, I need to unwind and recharge my batteries.”

Mental

Finding like-minded people is great for our social engagement system. But it doesn’t mean we will agree on every issue. A fear of rejection tends to hold us back in these moments we disagree with another person’s point of view. Just remember that we learn and grow from being open to other people’s perspectives and also sharing our own. Being open to someone else’s perspective doesn’t mean absorbing it. It only means considering it. We should also share our own views and expect the same consideration we give the other person.

• “I see where you’re coming from but this is what I think.”
• “Let’s just agree to disagree on this.”
• “That hasn’t been my experience.”

Ownership

This includes finances or anything material. If you own it – even if the bank owns it until you pay it off – some boundaries should be practiced with what belongs to you. There are those who think that just because you have it, you should share it. And contrary to what they think, you are not “selfish” or “uncharitable” for not sharing something you worked hard to earn. Ownership boundaries also include dealing with high-pressured salespeople. Sure they want you to own what they are selling but they also want your finances. They know how to play on your dopamine, which is convincing you in the moment that you must have this thing now! My best advice is to always go twenty-four hours of no contact with a high-pressure salesperson before signing anything. This gives your dopamine time to calm down so that you can think rationally.

• “What’s mine is not ours.”
• “I work too hard for what I have and I would rather not lend it to you.”
• “I will not sign anything today because I prefer time to think it over before I make my decision.”

Responsibilities

Are you the only one in the house who does the chores and runs the errands? Or maybe in the workplace, your boss depends on you to pick up the slack of your coworkers because “You’re so reliable” when what the boss really means is, “Unlike your coworkers, you never tell me no.” Here again, you are a human being, not a human doing. And you deserve breaks and an easier workload, just like everyone else.

• “I need help with the dishes, please.”
• “If you could run this errand while I cook dinner, I would appreciate it.”
• “I need you to at least do the dishes and laundry two or three times a week.”
• “No, (boss’s name) I picked up the slack last time. Please ask someone else this time.”
• (To your boss) “I like feeling appreciated for my reliability. And I would like to have a conversation with you about a possible raise or bonus.”

Social

Haven’t all these boundaries so far counted as social? Well, yes because all boundaries involve managing our interpersonal experiences. But there are specific types of conversations you may rather not have. Perhaps when a certain topic comes up, it makes you uncomfortable. (For example, sexually explicit topics or you’re uncomfortable with the overuse of swear words.) Or someone wants you to share something that you would rather keep to yourself. And that’s when we use social boundaries.

• “I would rather not talk about this.”
• “I’m not comfortable sharing this with you.”
• “Please let’s change the subject. I don’t like where this is going.”

Spiritual

This one covers our belief system. It’s having a mutual respect for everyone’s beliefs and how they choose to worship (or not). But also remember that your beliefs and practices deserve the same respect you give other people. Atheist, Agnostic, Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu all deserve respect and also should not push their beliefs onto others. It also covers the principles of what we eat, such as vegan, vegetarian, or those who don’t eat pork. How we choose to nourish our bodies should always be respected, it is also not okay to food shame someone else.

• “I respect your beliefs but I need you to respect mine.”
• “I will give you a moment of silence while you pray but I won’t pray with you.”
• “I need a moment to pray.”
• “I understand you are passionate about the nutritional value, but I would rather not be lectured on what I choose to eat.”
• “I can’t eat this because I am a…” (vegan/vegetarian, etc.)

Time

This is where we determine how much personal time we are willing to make for someone. Just because we have free time doesn’t mean we should give it all away. Free time is free for you, not them. It’s up to you to decide how long you will be available. You also get to set certain times of the day that you will and will not be available.

• “I only have thirty minutes to spare.”
• “I am only available between these times.”
• “No, this is my self-care time.”

Asserting Boundaries

Asserting ourselves doesn’t mean making demands. In fact, there are three levels of being assertive.

1. Diplomatic: State your case calmly, which are all the examples above. Use “I will” or “I won’t” statements. Whatever you will or won’t do or what you will or won’t tolerate in others. It is okay to say why you need this boundary at this stage but it is not a requirement. And do not over-explain.
2. Be Firm: When there is any push against the boundary you just stated, remember that “No” is a complete sentence. You do not compromise, apologize, or repeat why you need this boundary. Only repeat the boundary itself.
3. Consequences: There are consequences for anyone who pushes against your boundary twice. Disengage from the conversation. Inform them, “We will not have this conversation again until you respect my boundary.” Blocking the person, going no contact, or in case of a workplace setting, a report to human resources all count as consequences.

This is also where you learn who is and is not worthy of being in your life. (Read that again.) Those who respect your boundary at the diplomatic level value you and whatever relationship you may share.

However, there are those who will question your boundary. “But” tends to be the most common verbal rebuttal. E.g. “But I need…” or “But I was just trying or wanting to…” The word “but” is no excuse for disrespecting your boundary. Minor emotional reactions such as slumping shoulders or frowning tend to happen but stay firm. If they don’t push further, it means your boundary was their learning experience.

But those who push until there are consequences are the very reason we need our boundaries.

Further Reading

There is a definite link between our problems setting boundaries and having childhood experiences where those same boundaries were violated or even nonexistent. And as I wrote this article, I was reminded of an article I wrote on covert abuse two years ago. There are seven types of covert abuse listed in that article. They are: emotional, financial/educational, mental, physical, sexual, social, and spiritual. Interesting how we talked about setting the same types of boundaries in this article, isn’t it? So, I invite you to explore that article because it also includes the lasting effects each type of abuse tends to have on us.

(Here) is my article on covert abuse. Because sometimes, when we learn how to validate where our boundaries were violated in our past, it helps us learn to validate our right to have them today.