She Made His Death All About Her: An Interview

Kelley McCord is back with us this week. In case you missed her debut interview, it’s here. Last week, the focus was on how Kelley’s borderline mother (Trauma Glossary 1 – who she has nicknamed Egg Donor) committed serial parental alienation. Against husband numbers one, two, and three! It should come as no surprise that any parent who does this has an “all about me” mentality. So, when Kelley described what happened during the three day period the whole family had gathered for her brother’s (Jimmy) death, I knew that was a fresh theme in itself. Kelley’s mother made her own son’s death all about her.

But wait! There’s more! It wasn’t the first time Kelley’s mother made someone’s death all about her. There is even more to the story of Kelley’s stepfather (husband number three), the great love obsession of her mother’s life. If you recall from last week, Kelley’s stepfather died of sudden stage four cancer, despite there being no family history. (Just a friendly reminder. High conflict relationships overwork our stress hormones, which impact the immune system.) So, Kelley’s mother found and seized the opportunity to make his death all about her, too.

She Made His Death All About Her: Kelley’s Stepfather

Recap from last week:

Kelley McCord: They [stepfather and mother, “Egg Donor”] separated for the last time when I was probably 19 or 20. Still legally married. (Egg donor refused to sign the divorce papers.) He would check in on me via text here and there, have dinner like, once a month, that sort of thing. Very sweet of him. Then out of nowhere all communication stopped. He stopped replying to texts too. I was like, WTF? I ran into him downtown and it was awkward, and I said, “Hey where have you been?” He didn’t say much other than “Your mom doesn’t want me talking to you,” and he kind of left it at that.

And then he passed away nine months to a year later. So, it wasn’t like something I could have ever really asked about. I was like, whatever, he’s didn’t care like everyone else. Well, years later, right after my brother Jimmy died, I found out why.

He [Kelley’s other brother, Mini-Me] says, “You know she [Egg Donor] protected you.” And I was like, “What the hell are you talking about? Protecting me from what?”

Then he said, “Well you know, she felt that your relationship with our stepdad was getting really inappropriate.”

That’s kind of when it hit me. Holy s***! She told her little flying monkeys that she kicked him out because he was inappropriate with me, when the reality was, he left because he was done with her B.S..

Parental Alienation: Daughter of a Repeat Offender Speaks Out

Reconnecting Before His Death

Jaena: My impression was that you never heard from your stepfather until he passed away, which was Christmas Eve when you were twenty-one.

Kelley McCord: Well, I didn’t see him for months after that awkward little run-in. But it’s a small town, so you run into everybody all the time. Egg donor was the one who ran into him next. It must have been probably six months before he passed, but I still had no contact with him. So, she would mention things to me like, “Oh yeah I ran into to Stepfather a couple weeks ago. He lost a lot of weight and I was urging him to see a doctor.” That’s when she was in communication with him again because she wanted him to see her doctor and get blood work done.

Then months later it was, “Some surgeon is trying to talk him into having part of his pancreas or liver removed.” I don’t remember which. But according to her, “He shouldn’t get it done because he’s going to die anyway.” Turns out he had cancer, and they did a bunch of scans. It was everywhere. Bone cancer, brain cancer, lung cancer, and liver or pancreas cancer. There was no hope. It was stage four and they waited way too long. So, I was of course, shocked and devastated. I really wasn’t aware of anything, probably until October. Then all of a sudden, “Oh he’s having surgery tomorrow.” That’s when I was like, oh crap he’s having surgery? Let me go and visit him.

“It was all about making sure he was okay and him ‘claiming’ to be fine.”

Kelley McCord: I remember when I was going in the hospital, Egg Donor was leaving but she looked super distraught. I asked her what happened and she said, “His girlfriend’s there.” So I was just like, Okay, you leave, I’m going to visit him and make sure everything is okay. His girlfriend was in there and I was cordial because I wasn’t a part of that and I didn’t care. So, I said hi, she said hi, and I asked how he was doing. Then she said that she was going to go to the café, or something like that. Well okay, fine. I talked to doctors. He wasn’t feeling any pain or anything like that and so, I left. I think he was released the next day.

He lived not too far away, like a five minute drive. So, I started checking on him a couple of times a week, just to make sure he had food and whatever he wanted and make sure he was comfortable.

Jaena: I’m going to assume that given the circumstances, that awkward meeting you two had months back was never addressed.

Kelley McCord: Yeah, it was totally out the window. Not brought up, not discussed at all. It was all about making sure he was okay, and him “claiming” to be fine.

Jaena: Completely understandable.

Kelley McCord: I remember I broke down crying when I saw he had a walker because he could barely stand. But even then he was acting like a dad. He was like, It’s okay, it looks worse than it is. You know, looking back as an adult and a mother, that’s what you, of course would do for your child. You don’t want them to worry, no matter how bad your condition is.

“He’s at death’s door.”

Kelley McCord: He aged so fast with the cancer. He was of Hispanic descent. So, he normally looked nicely tanned. His hair was jet black, but all of a sudden it started going gray. He was just totally withering away and even his skin color was kind of greyish. So anyway, it’s around early December and Egg Donor tells me, “You know that he’s at death’s door. He can’t get around, he can’t take care of himself. So, he will have to go to Hospice.” And then I said, “What if he just comes and lives here?” And for some reason, she agreed. Later on, I would figure out why.

So, he moved in again for the final time and he eventually becomes bed bound. I’m cooking his meals in between going to work. I dropped out of school, obviously. I told you about that.

Jaena: Yes, in our last interview. (Spoiler alert to my readers: Kelley’s mother was the culprit.)

Kelly McCord: Egg Donor must have switched her schedule or got time off. I don’t remember because she never used to work during the day. But I remember the Hospice nurses were there during the day. She would be gone and at night, she would take care of him.

Jaena: So, a constant rotation around your stepfather.

Kelley McCord: Exactly.

“Egg Donor wanted his car.”

Kelley McCord: Well, one day, this was while he could still talk, he told me that he wanted to give me his car. My car at the time was a hunk of junk, was going to break down any day, but it was still a car, so whatever. But Egg Donor wanted his car. Anyway, he had me go find the deed. It was in his car and he had me bring it over to him and then he signed it over to me. And I remember when he was doing it, Egg Donor was right there in the room, across from the bed, and just staring at that piece of paper. She did not want me to have that car. I remember she was just so livid, could not believe it was happening, but she couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Jaena: Was her car a hunk of junk on the verge of breaking down too?

Kelley McCord: No, her car was actually newer than his, but his car was already paid off. Egg Donor actually tried to convince me to sign over his car to her and have me take over the payments on her car.

Jaena: I’m sorry, what? In what way was that going to benefit you?

Kelley McCord: Right…then she’d get to hold that over my head. How I was driving her car and I guarantee, she’d have taken it away if I didn’t do what she wanted.

Jaena: From my own experiences with my BPD mother, I can confirm that’s exactly what would have happened.

Kelley McCord: But it was all about her getting her car paid off, then having all the cars. She knew I couldn’t afford to buy one.

Jaena: Obviously, his death was all about her getting everything of his.

“I would always keep track of his morphine because I knew how Egg Donor was.”

Kelley McCord: I remember there was some type of I.V. in him. I think it was just for fluids, because he couldn’t eat without throwing up anymore. And he had a morphine bottle and a dropper you could give him. It’s mid to late December at this point and he couldn’t talk anymore. So, he had to communicate by hand squeezes or blink twice for yes, that sort of thing. I would always keep track of his morphine because I knew how Egg Donor was.

One of his last nights my egg donor was there. I’m asking him because he’s seemingly uncomfortable, squeeze my hand if you want some more morphine. So, he squeezed my hand. My Egg Donor comes in and goes “No-no-no, I don’t think he needs any more.” And then I was like, no, and then I asked my stepdad, “Squeeze my hand twice if you want morphine,” and he squeezed my hand twice. So obviously, I gave him more morphine. It was like that the last couple of days. She was really trying to hang on to that morphine. Or maybe she wanted him in pain, I’m not really sure.

Jaena: His death was all about her increasing her secret stash, or petty vengeance, since he was there not out of his love for her, but out of circumstance. Or, it could have been both.

Christmas Eve: “And now his death is all about making sure his girlfriend is uninvited.”

Kelley McCord: It was Christmas Eve and I remember I woke up in the middle of the night. It was four a.m. or something. I just had this feeling, like, “Oh my God!” So, I ran out my bedroom, went straight to his room, and he literally just took his last breath and died. It was horrible, traumatic and all these things. And then the coroner people came in and did whatever they do so he could be carried out in a black body bag.

I’m a disaster, I’m a wreck and I remember Egg Donor was making arrangements. She was advised to put something in the paper about his wake and her big concern was that if it was in the paper, the girlfriend would show up. So, she didn’t have anything posted about his wake or his funeral. She just told people and she made it very clear that if anyone knew the girlfriend, that she was to not come. So, from what I know, the girlfriend wasn’t at the wake. I don’t remember seeing her at the funeral but I really wasn’t looking for her either.

Jaena: And now his death is all about her status of being his widow by making sure the girlfriend is uninvited.

Kelley McCord: I think she didn’t want the masses to know he had a girlfriend. She needed to keep up the appearance that he loved her until the end.

The Wake: “And then there’s Egg Donor in the back of the room and she’s just giggling with some of her friends.”

Kelley McCord: So, at the wake, only one of my stepdad’s two daughters was able to fundraise enough money for plane tickets. Egg Donor could have easily paid to have the other daughter come out as well. But she didn’t do that.

Anyway, he was in the Air Force before he worked at the county jail as a corrections officer. So, all of the officers who knew him were there, just one of his daughters, and Egg Donor’s friends. Well, everyone is incredibly upset. And then there’s Egg Donor in the back of the room and she’s just giggling with some of her friends. I was just confused because, what could you possibly be talking about where you’re laughing and giggling like little high school kids in the back of the room? And so I went back there thinking, maybe they’re sharing funny stories of my stepdad, or, you know, good times. And anyway, people process grief differently.

They weren’t even talking about him! It was, “Oh yeah, do you remember when we went out two weekends ago? Oh my God we got so drunk!” And mind you, at this point she’s in her 50s. All I can think is, this conversation should never be happening because you’re a grown adult at your legal husband’s wake. He is dead in a casket like, 20 feet in front of you. His daughter’s there and his family’s there and you have all of these big buff grown men in uniform that are crying their eyes out. And you’re in the back of the room laughing and giggling as if this is a really funny event going on. So, that really p***** me the hell off!

Jaena: Wow, so much for playing the role of a grieving widow.

Funeral: “She made it this gigantic spectacle for these 50 people to all see ‘Wow, what a wonderful woman this is!'”

Kelley McCord: So, then a couple days later is the funeral and we’re all there again, just as emotional as before at the wake. Egg Donor is sitting front row, center because she’s technically the wife.

Jaena: Only because she refused to sign the divorce papers before your stepfather got sick.

Kelley McCord: Right! And she’s just sitting there as if she’s listening to a boring sermon at church. She’s got no emotion going on, no crying, none of that. And because he was a veteran, they had a flag and they did the the gun salute. So, when they folded up the flag and then they gave it to her, she stands up with the flag, turns to the audience, and then hands it to my stepdad’s daughter. I’m all for his daughter getting his flag. I thought that was fine and beautiful. She should get something from from him. But she made it this gigantic spectacle for these 50 people to all see “Wow, what a wonderful woman this is!”

Jaena: I know exactly what you mean when they put on a show. Sadly, only those who know what it’s like understand it. Everyone else just sees the show and never fully realize that they are watching a performance.

Kelley McCord: Yes! It used to infuriate me! Now, keep in mind, for the ten or so years they were married, any time he called his daughters, she would monitor his calls. It’s like she thought there was a big conspiracy against her. She always wanted to know what they were talking about.

Jaena: Oh my god, that sounds exactly like my borderline mother! Everything, from conversations to other people’s death is all about her.

His death is all about what’s valuable

Kelley McCord: He had a one bedroom, one bath apartment and we had 30 days or something like that to get his stuff out. I remember going there and my thought process was, Okay, what can be saved for family or friends because some of this might be sentimental. But that was not my egg donor’s mindset. Like, he had a little camcorder and this was back before cell phones could really do anything. And she was like, “Oh, you know this might be worth something.” And then she would just go through his stuff and anything that could have possibly been of value, she instantly grabbed. Everything else, she called some Salvation Army type of place and was like, “Okay, go ahead and load the stuff up here. It’s a big donation.”

Jaena: This story could almost be turned into a terrible poem, with every line starting with His death was all about her…His death was all about her keeping up appearances, his death was all about her making money, apparently. His death was all about her petty vengeance, etc.

Kelley McCord: I moved out I think around February because I just couldn’t deal with her anymore. But I was still in contact.

Jaena: Until her antics after your brother, Jimmy’s death. Unfortunately, we must save that story for next week.

Kelley’s Epilogue

“But because nothing of his was sacred, I got his wedding ring!”

Jaena: Even though I…shall we say, “sense” the answer, I have to ask anyway. Was there anything about your stepfather that was sacred to Egg Donor?

Kelley McCord: I’d say the only thing that was sacred to her was the illusion and making sure she could be a victim…forever. So, she kept his last name and a couple of reasons I can speculate: she was obsessed with the fantasy appearance of I Love Lucy. So, she needed the last name to keep the insane illusion alive. She needed the public pity of being a widow. A name like [his Hispanic last name] clearly isn’t white, and she’s clearly white, just looking at her; a great opportunity to mention she’s a widow.

But because nothing of his was sacred, I got his wedding ring! The one he had with Egg Donor. I saw it in a dish by the sink, or it was somewhere like that and I asked her, “Can I have it?” She was so nonchalant, like “Yeah, whatever.” And so I I took it but it barely fit on my thumb. He apparently had huge hands but I never noticed. So, anyway, fast forward about 15 years later and I get married. Because that ring was so big, there was so much gold and white gold on it that we actually took it to a jeweler and we had it turned into two rings. So, I have one ring and my husband has the other ring, and together they make up my stepfather’s ring.

Conversion to Judaism

Kelley McCord: A little side note is in Judaism, when you get married, you’re not going to have an engagement ring. You’re just going to have a wedding band with no jewels. It’s supposed to be made of pure gold. And the reasoning behind it is, you could have a lot of different stones or rocks that appear to be valuable jewels like diamonds or emeralds or something. But it could be a fake stone. So, you can’t tell if your stone is true or not. So, to get rid of that possibility, it’s just a band. And that’s why it’s a white gold and yellow gold band, and that’s how we turned his ring into our wedding bands.

Jaena: I love how you brought this up! First, a little something for my readers. In my group, we do extra things during the holiday season. One of which is sharing how we celebrate. Kelley has been wonderful and has put so many people at ease with her diplomatic willingness to answer questions, from Hannukah to the Jewish traditions in general. In fact, I felt I got a great education last year, just based off the questions she was kind enough to answer.

Second, this is to you, Kelley. Your maiden name is clearly Irish. So, I must ask, was your mother of Jewish descent, or did you convert?

Kelley McCord: We never had a religion and there was never a religion I fully agreed with. When I met my now husband, he told me he was Jewish. I didn’t know much about Judaism. So, I started asking questions, reading, I even took classes (which are required to finally convert). I finally found a religion that was everything I thought. So, I eventually converted.

More Kelley McCord Next Week!

What can I say? When someone in my group wants to share their stories with the public, I will drop what I’m doing every time. Kelley still has more to say. Next week, the topic will (finally!) be concerning those three days of dealing with her brother’s death and the added pain of getting fed up with her mother (Egg Donor), which led her to going no contact.