Our emotions are our signals for meeting our needs. Our uncomfortable emotions are simply telling us that one of those are unmet. When we understand what our emotions want, we can learn how to work with them instead of against them. These visual aids are a wrap up to the past five weeks, where we explored the benefits of (Links provided in case you missed one or more, or if you need more information.) anger, fear, sadness, and guilt. We also explored ways we can use the cognition sheet for understanding our emotional language and challenging our programmed beliefs. A copy of your own cognition sheet is available here, because you might want to review it for yourself as we delve into using our cognitions with our emotional work.
First 3: Overview of What Our Emotions Want
A break down of our emotions, what they want and what they are asking us to do. Also included is where in time each one is primarily focused (past, present, or future). Starting with our high energy emotions, which often speak to us in exclamation points. Anger wants “Action! Now!” (present focused) and wants us to assert ourselves after naming the problem. Fear is showing us a problem and wants us to focus on taking control of the situation. Fear is giving us options based on the information we’re gleaning from Anxiety.
Our minds become flooded by anxiety because it’s a rapid-fire thinker. It’s our “forecaster” of problems that might come up and the list of options we have at our disposal. The reason anxiety can be so troublesome is because it not only has a list of options, but pro’s and con’s for each decision. (More problems can happen for each choice? Thanks a lot, you pessimistic emotion!) But anxiety’s language is acting as that prerecorded voice that says, “Choose one of the following options.”
Moving on to the next visual aid. Dread wants a reward for enduring obligations and its focus is on the immediate future.
By comparison, Sadness and Grief are focused on the past, present, and future, so that we can fully process a problem into acceptance. Both emotions want us to use self-compassion as we do so. Rest is a part of self-care, which is why our melatonin rises after a good cry and it makes us sleepy.
Our inner ethics committee.
Guilt is our troubleshooter. It sees an action we committed as bad (recent past focus) and then takes action (present focus) to make amends.
There’s a difference between having a sense of shame and experiencing shame, itself. Our sense of shame is future focused and warns us of what NOT to do, lest there will be consequences. It’s key to developing our conscience and moral code. Shame, however is our inner judicial system whose wrath we don’t want to incur. Its present focus is what causes us to use negative “I am” statements. Shame is a “red zone” emotion, as we will see.
Next 2: Our Emotions in the Red Zone
An overview of how our emotions can escalate into the Red Zone. The red zone is where we want to prevent ourselves from spiraling, as the closer we get to there, the more we lose control of our senses.
Starting with the high energy emotions. When we are irritated or angry, we are inclined to name the problem and assert with a cool head. However, as we spiral into the red zone, anger’s high energy gets increasingly difficult to contain. When we are furious, we are right on the edge of exploding. Our movements become quick and jerky and our tone becomes snappish. Enraged is that final stage, when our fury explodes because we can no longer contain that volcanic energy.
Above and below: three parts of the brain are referenced and they can be found in section 1 of Trauma Glossary 3. They are: Amygdala, Timekeeper and ACG (Anterior Cingulate Cortex), which is under Control Panel. The ACG is our brain’s gear shift. When we are in a panic attack, our ACG is stuck. It traps us in a loop (Trauma Glossary 2) of seeing problems without solutions. The amygdala hijacking makes split second decisions: Fight, Flight, or Freeze. A little known fact is that both dread and anxiety are influencing those decisions.
Next we have the red zone of sadness. Anyone who has suffered depression knows how devastating the pain is. Our brain’s timekeeper goes offline, which causes us to feel like our hurt will go on forever. Depression is almost always the result of repressing our sadness and grief for too long. All sadness wanted was for us to fully accept we have a problem. So, depression is forcing us to process it while overwhelmed with pain.
Lastly, shame is the only emotion that has zero benefits.
Cognitions When Repressing/Ignoring Our Feelings
Here we start putting together how our cognitions (beliefs and thoughts) influence our choices on handling our emotions. Referencing the cognition sheet, it brings our emotional language to light.
Guilt’s language is “I did something wrong.” Shame takes it to the next level by adding “Therefore I am…” anything in the negative side of the responsibility/defectiveness block. Guilt keeps the action separate from our sense of self, while shame uses the action to define ourselves.
Next we have the reasons we might repress our anger. When we believe “It’s not OK (safe) to feel/show my emotions,” for example, we have a problem with safety or vulnerability. The other common cognitions listed here are in the negative side of the power/control/choice block. Whatever the belief is, it’s simultaneously telling us that our anger is bad.
Next is a map of what happens when we believe anger is bad and then use that belief to repress it. Anger is energy, so when we repress it, it builds into a volcano. When the volcano explodes, it’s usually over something inappropriate and unrelated to the original problem. So, when that happens, it “confirms” our belief that anger is bad.
Dread is obligation based. Dread is satisfied with enduring them as long as there is an immediate reward. However, when our sense of obligations are askew, we tend to invalidate our feelings of dread. This gets us stuck in a rut. When we assume that everyone else has the identical problem, we are minimizing our feelings. Therefore, we are doing nothing to solve our problems. This leads us into believing we don’t deserve anything better, which leads us into even more negative cognitions.
Dread is easy to ignore…until it isn’t anymore. Below is a map of how it feeds our anxiety and depression.
Last 4: Emotional Benefits
First we have our inner parental unit, which is sadness and anger. Pete Walker has preached about the importance of using them both in concert for healing. Anger is part of the five stages of grief for a reason. I can confirm that, as the Heal-Along I published was the story of how I went through the five stages of grief in a single night to recover from a major setback.
Now we arrive at how working with our emotions instead of against them helps us improve our cognitions.
Anger certainly has the power to rewire our self-abandonment (Trauma Glossary 2) programming. The other Heal-Along I published was the story of how my year of rage flashbacks (Trauma Glossary 2) helped me rewire that.
Guilt and a sense of shame work together to keep us safe from experiencing shame itself. Healthy guilt is developed out of equal parts humility and confidence. When we are humble enough to accept that we made a mistake but confident in our ability to make amends, we start developing resiliency.
Our cognitions become “I can be myself/make mistakes” and “I am a good (loving) person.”
A Note on Our Fear Based Emotions
First, this 9 step process is not something that develops in a single day. It starts with confronting our feelings of dread. As we develop the habit of checking in with ourselves and dare to question our obligations, we learn how to validate our feelings. So that instead of believing “It’s not okay to feel/show my emotions” we start to understand that it is okay, after all. This leads to major growth, as our anxiety is open to more options than before. What’s the best way to manage the information overload anxiety brings us? Brain Dump, which, as its namesake, is listing everything in our head so that we can “clear up space.” Then we can see our list and make a choice.
“I now have choices” becomes the new cognition which helps us work with fear. Act on the choice by giving it our full attention. The more we focus, the greater our chances of reaching “flow state.” That’s when fear drops off and our new cognition develops into “I am now in control.”