“Why Didn’t They Tell?” 5 Reasons Abused Children Stay Silent

The third article in this series to help raise awareness for children who are currently living in an abusive home. My group members, all of whom are adult survivors of child abuse, have been helping me by supplying their testimonies. Each article has addressed what an abusive home looks like to those on the outside looking in. First, we addressed six behavioral signs to look for in spotting an abused child here. Then last week, we showed five red flags for spotting an abusive parent here. Now, for the final installment, we’re addressing why noticing the signs are so important. It’s because there’s a reason abused children stay silent. Actually, there are five reasons.

If you are the safe person for a child you suspect is living in an adverse home and you’re wondering why they won’t tell you, rest assured it isn’t because they don’t trust you. It’s because living in an adverse home complicates the child’s perspective. Unfortunately, abusive parents are master manipulators and they know just how to prey on young minds. It’s the very reason abused children stay silent. Even once they understand that you are their “safe person” they still might not open up.

The Most Fundamental Reason Abused Children Stay Silent

The trauma bond (Trauma Glossary 1) is powerful, especially the child’s first twelve years. Their development and survival hinge on believing that at least one parent has their best interests in mind. Accepting that their parents do not spells soul death (Trauma Glossary 2) for a young mind. So, they will go to great lengths to make excuses for their parents being “mean to them.” That’s why children are more apt to see themselves as bad than their parents’ abusive behavior. It’s where loyalty to their abusers who happen to be their own parents is coming from, and they don’t want their parents to get in trouble. This unfortunately normalizes many abuses that they simply don’t see as abuse.

Bear in mind that age twelve is average for challenging the trauma bond. For some, they are able to challenge it earlier but for others, it can last well into the adult years. How does this happen? And is there a common denominator that can make or break those chains of the trauma bond, itself? The answer is, yes, there is.

1. Trauma Bond

Opposite experiences from the child’s home life helps them to start making comparisons. For example, if the child’s home is chaotic, they experience peace outside the home. If the child experiences verbal abuse at home, then experiencing validation outside the home will help, and so on. But this in itself comes with major challenges:

1. The controlling parent (covered in last week’s article) is fully aware of the sort of power positive experiences outside the home have on the child, and they will stop at nothing to keep their “human property” bound to them.
   
   
2. The abused child is vulnerable to sexual predators, who have an almost “sixth sense” for spotting them. Groomers are the most manipulative of all pedophiles, because they deliver sexual abuse under the guise of kindness. My interview with Becky Schonscheck, a major advocate for victims of sexual abuse, educated me on groomers. Episode 1 of the documentary on Jeffrey Epstein (still available on Netflix) demonstrates everything that Becky taught me applied in action.
   
   
3. Abused children require multiple positive experiences outside the home. It takes time for a young developing mind to gather the thoughts for identifying what it is that’s better than their home life.
   
   
4. Even if they do speak up about whatever it is they’ve noticed is better than their home life, it is typically one minor thing. While so much more is left unsaid. The child’s mind is so confused by what is and is not acceptable treatment, it can quickly snowball into the assumptions they tend to make.

“I tried my best to stay away from my family but it’s hard when they’re breathing down your neck 24/7. By the time I was an adult, my trauma bond was indeed very strong. My mom could do just about anything, and I’d always come back.”

Assumptions as the Reason Abused Children Stay Silent

When abusive parents display the slightest hint of dislike for their own child, children are paying attention to the reactions of those around them. From the insults to the full blown smear campaigns (This term is in Trauma Glossary 1 under Distortion Campaign.) children want to see who among them agrees with what their parents are saying. When verbal abuse is the way of life as they have known it at home, the child has a hard time noticing who is good and caring. It’s not unheard of for them to jump to conclusions when interpreting facial expressions. For example, a caring adult may frown or widen their eyes in disapproval at the parent for saying such horrible things about their child. But the child may take such silent expressions to mean that they disapprove of them instead of their parents.

2. “Nobody Cares” Assumption

Children are taught the importance of trusting their parents, as they are the ones who love them more than anyone else. So, when their parents are abusive, it curtails their perception of how much “everyone else” cares.

Then there are the abusive parents who are crafty enough to surround themselves with other disordered adults. These people create a false sense of an outer community that further invalidates the child’s self-image. This very dynamic was done to Nobody’s Child:

“One of my adopted mom’s sisters & her husband were foster parents. They were NOT nice to me thanks to the smear campaigns my adopted parents used against me. I almost ran away from my aunt I think I was 11 or 12. She once said in front of me I’d never amount to anything. I think I was 11, when that happened. She & my uncle thought I was a monster. No one ever knew the truth, even extended family members believed the lies. Smear campaigns protect the abuser & cause others to abuse by proxy.” – Nobody’s Child

A note on this person we know as Nobody’s Child: she shared her story in my first interview. Adopted by Disordered Parents: An Interview with Two Survivors. I would just like to add that, in most cases, how well an abused child turns out depends on whether or not they had access to a safe person. However, in Nobody’s Child’s case, she had no safe people in her life. And yet, I’m blown away by all the goodness she somehow, miraculously kept in spite of it all. She is further proof that despite what all the so-called “trained professionals” are spewing, NOT all hurt people hurt people.

3. “They Know Anyway” Assumption

Children make the assumption of anyone who detects a clue in the abusive parents’ behavior, that they must know everything else that’s going on behind closed doors. So, the child doesn’t see much point in bringing it up.

I couldn’t resist adding my own experience to this one:

“For reasons I don’t get, my borderline mother felt more comfortable unmasking in front of my father’s side of the family than her own. Mind you, she didn’t show her full crazy and she definitely didn’t show the physical side of her abuse. But she showed her meanness and demanding side a lot, like the way she would openly belittle my father right in front of his parents and siblings. She would take me to their back room sometimes, just to twist the skin on my arms or dig her nails in them, and all while whispering ‘shut up’ because I was crying. (No wonder I cry silently to this very day.)

I always assumed that my grandparents knew what she was doing to me whenever she took me to their back room. But the reason she was telling me to shut up was so that she could get away with physically abusing me right under their roof. They knew nothing about it until I told them years later.” – Jaena

Unmask is in Trauma Glossary 1.

Our Joke of a Legal System as the Reason Abused Children Stay Silent

Children are treated as property rights in custody battles instead of the vulnerable human lives that they are. Naturally, this system favors the controlling parent, who already sees their child as their human property. Battered spouses can get a restraining order, while the battered child has court ordered visits with their abusive parent. And these are the “lucky” children. More often than not, full custody is awarded to the abusive parent just because they have more money than the safe parent. In the eyes of the American law (is this so in your country as well?) parental rights are more important than children’s rights. A system that allows Cluster B disordered (Trauma Glossary 1) people to buy, I mean “adopt” children have the same parental rights as the biological parents who abuse.

4. Child Protective Services (CPS) Fail to Take Cases Seriously

When we think of CPS failures, we instinctually point the finger of blame at the case worker. I am not saying that all social workers should be exempt from blame. What I am saying is that 1) social workers are severely underpaid, so those who choose to become a child advocate are not doing it for money. 2) In some areas, there can be an overwhelming number of child abusers and not enough advocates to adequately handle each case. 3) Each state has its own guidelines and protocol that the social worker must follow. These are all facts worth considering when we think of the martyred children. Those who had multiple visits from CPS, but nothing was done to save them. How quick we are to blame the case worker without thinking of the bigger problem, which is the corrupt system in place.

“Age 12, I had enough of my borderline mother beating me every single day. So, I filed my report with CPS and then they just sent me home! I had no safe person in that house of horrors, and I was at the mercy of parental gaslighting. They flooded me with so much shame and guilt for getting them in trouble, I changed my story immediately. I told the social worker that I made up the whole thing. She told me that abused kids protect their parents all the time, but she couldn’t help me unless I stick to my original statement. Well, fewer abused children would do this if CPS didn’t send them back home to their abusers.” – Jaena

My case worker cared. She came to my school multiple times, begging me to stick to my original story. But the moment I was sent home, protecting my abusers became a foregone conclusion.

An Ohio Resident Shares Her CPS Experiences

“I helped my sister run away after my mom beat the crap out of her leaving welts and cuts down her legs and back side. The call was made by my boyfriend’s mom. (I arranged for her to pick her up and call.) The other call was made by a teacher at the school. My mom had beat the crap out of me one morning because I missed the bus since she jumped on me for wearing jeans with holes in them as the bus was coming down the road. So she made me change and ‘clean my damn face up’ (tears) and then she had to take me to school. I couldn’t stop crying and was talking to a friend of mine in the bathroom and a teacher overheard what happened and called CPS.

But both times, CPS literally didn’t say one word to me or my sister. All they did was talk to my parents and leave.  For me, I eventually gave up. Nobody was coming to save me. It was useless. After CPS was called twice and nothing came of it, I gave up.”

Does anyone remember the martyred child, Aniya Day-Garrett back in 2018? If not, this might jog your memory. This four-year-old was a Cleveland, Ohio resident who was brutally murdered by her own mother. There were multiple CPS visits but nothing was done to save this child from her mother, even though her father was fighting for full custody of his little girl. Now, after hearing from one of my members, who is an Ohio resident, born and raised, all I can say is that Ohio, it seems, has a long history of acting as a safe haven for the child abusers. No wonder the system failed Aniya.

5. “They Will Send You to an Even Worse Home”

No matter how abusive the parent is, they can always imagine even worse abuse that their children should feel grateful they aren’t living in. And if their child tells on them, well, they threaten them with horror stories about the foster care system. Unfortunately, they aren’t too far from the truth. The state funded homes and the foster care system are like a game of Russian Roulette for children who are “property of the state.” They never know if they will end up in a safe environment or a dangerous one.

“My egg donor [Survivor’s nickname for her mother] would randomly throw in the threat. If we ever told anyone what was going on behind closed doors, they’d take us away. We’d never see her or any family again, we would never see each other again, and we’d probably go into homes worse than how we had it. ‘So don’t let anyone know about the pills in my closet’ was reminded often.”

A Final Note to the Safe Adults for Abused Children

I, and every one of my group members thank you. All children deserve at least one safe person in their life. Thank you for being that person to an abused child. This trilogy of articles was written with you in mind. Hopefully, you have learned at least one thing of value. Getting a child to open up about their home life is difficult enough. I wish I had an easy solution for you, but unfortunately, the abused child’s mind is a complicated labyrinth and the legal system helps abusers more than the children.

The reason abused children stay silent begins with the trauma bond. This snowballs into the assumptions they make based on their home experiences. Sometimes it leads them to the wrong conclusion, like it did in my case. Other times, the abusive parent creates an outer circle of disordered friends that cocoon the child from the goodness that’s beyond their scope, like what happened to Nobody’s Child. Then, when even the law abandons them, the child can’t help but think that they are the ones responsible for all the abuse.

As you can see, not everyone in my group had a safe person, and yet, they still became good adults. But for myself, I know there’s no way I’d have become a good person if not for my paternal grandparents. That’s why next week, I will share my own journey through my trauma bond. It’s a perfect “case study” of the reason abused children stay silent, even though I had a slew of safe people on my father’s side of the family!