We hear this in crime documentaries after the tragedy: “I thought their parents were just (choose your adjective).“ Be it the murdered child or the child who, seeing no alternative, takes matters into their own hands. Both are equally tragic. The red flags were there the whole time, they only became obvious in hindsight. The witnesses we see in these documentaries, particularly those who at the time “thought their parents were just…” all have something in common. They were good people who couldn’t make sense out of being in such close proximity to someone evil. Unable to process what they saw, they constructed a narrative that helped assure them it couldn’t be “that bad.”
This is not to encourage anything derogatory towards those who simply don’t understand what they’re seeing. Especially when the real issue is there’s scant information for spotting an abusive parent. How can we expect those who have never been abused to pick up on subtle clues and see them for what they are if we don’t educate them?
Last week, we covered how to spot a child who is living in an adverse home here. This week, we are covering how to spot an abusive parent and what they look like to the outside observers. Not all abusive parents murder their children, at least not in the physical sense. And not all battered children will snap and take their abuser’s life or their own. But all abusers will mask in public and go to great lengths to ensure that what goes on behind closed doors remains a secret. The good news is, like anyone who pretends to be something they’re not, there are cracks in their masks, no matter how high-functioning the disordered parent is. Once you know what you are looking for, it becomes obvious.
My Group Returns with More Testimonials This Week!
The members of my group are all adult survivors of adverse homes. They helped me with last week’s article when I asked how they, as children behaved due to the home life they were enduring. This week, I asked them how their abusive parents were perceived by outsiders and any red flags that were overlooked. And here are our results.
1. “I Thought Their Parents were Just Really Strict.”
Strict or controlling?
There is a vast difference between the two. Setting house rules that make logical sense while allowing no room for compromise is being strict. For example: “Lights out at 10pm on a school night. Not 10:01, not 10:02. Ten o’clock on the dot.” -or –“No watching television or talking to your friends until you finish your homework.” What if there’s more homework than usual? A parent who is strict about homework will say that they will have to miss out on fun that night because homework is the priority. It’s an unpleasant rule but it makes logical sense because the child is being taught the importance of handling responsibilities and hopefully, doing well in life.
Controlling parents set rules that make no logical sense and curtail the child’s ability to explore the world outside their home. That’s because the controlling parent has something to hide and they see their children as property instead of people.
“We always had to get permission before we had friends over and now I see why. That’s when we suddenly had food in the house, things were clean, etc.”
“Momster [survivor’s nickname for her mother] timed and monitored all my calls. Every single one turned into an argument. She also installed a recording device, in case I snuck in some calls when she wasn’t in the room. By then the door to my bedroom had been removed from the hinges. There was zero privacy.”
2. “I Thought Their Parents Were Just Overly Protective.”
Overly-protective or did they isolate their child?
This is the same controlling parent as the first example. They are just giving a different impression to outsiders here. The child seems unusually sheltered for their age and most likely, this parent knows how to hide their mean side in public. So, the kindest assumption to make is that the parent must worry that something bad will happen. One way to challenge this thinking is to ask what is the threat and who needs the protection?
The overly protective parent can give a specific answer while allowing other freedoms that prevent the child from feeling isolated. For example, I asked my friend why he is choosing to homeschool his children. His response: “Because too many school shootings are happening these days and it scares the heck out of me.” He is specific about the threat, and while one may argue that he is protecting his own anxieties more than his children, he does something else to ensure their social needs are met. He takes them to visit their cousins, grandparents, and friends of the family who have kids their age.
The parent who isolates their child cannot be specific. They will offer one excuse after another to justify keeping the child stuck at home. The controlling parent is both paranoid of exposure and jealous of their own child.
“One thing I truly resent was how I was robbed of my childhood, because my child abuser was so paranoid that people outside the home would figure out about the abuse. I had to ask permission to talk on the phone or go outside. I had to always come straight home every day after school. Every little thing I wanted to do required asking permission first. And the answer was usually no.”
3. “I Thought The Kids Were Just Spoiled.”
All that glitters is NOT gold.
There are parents who shower their children with both material possessions and love. Those are easy to spot because there’s lots of ease in the parent-child interactions.
Then there’s how abusive parents do it. They “financially spoil” their children while neglecting all their other needs. It’s amazing how often flashy objects distract onlookers from what’s hiding in plain sight. And that’s the verbal abuse that the “lavish gift giver” dishes out in public. All while the child is seen as a spoiled little ingrate. See also Laundry Listing in Trauma Glossary 1, because I guarantee you this is going on behind closed doors. While there, Negging is another term worth your time because it’s a sneaky, covert form of verbal abuse.
“Everyone thought I was a spoiled brat. My adopted parents gave me stuff. Most of it weren’t things I wanted or was interested in. If I wasn’t happy with the gifts (there were always strings attached anyway – so there was a price I paid in some way), I was treated like an ingrate. There were times when I was disparaged in front of people. No one batted an eye. I guess onlookers thought I deserved it. If I received a compliment, that brought on more disparaging remarks about how awful I was.”
“Egg donor [survivor’s nickname for her mother] was ALWAYS in credit card debt trying to show off she had money. Yet grocery store trips were at most once a month. Food was often scarce by week 2. Friends thought I was so lucky! Then I’d see how their parents actually liked them and I was so envious. But at 7, 10, 15, how do you begin to gather your thoughts to even explain the torment?”
4. “I Thought Their Parents Were Saints.”
Good people don’t bounce between hero and victim roles.
Good people who do good deeds aren’t looking for attention. That’s because what they’re doing comes from the heart and their only goal is to make a positive impact in some way. My uncle is a great example of this. You see, my paternal grandmother (his mother) has dementia but he refuses to put her in a nursing home. So, he has moved in so that he can cook for her and change her diapers (yes, she is at that stage in her dementia) every day. I see it on every visit, but there’s something else my uncle does that proves he isn’t seeking anyone’s approval. He never complains or even brings up what he is going through. In fact, he prefers talking about politics and his obsession with Twitter.
Then there are the so-called upstanding members of the community: those image conscious, attention-seeking “do-gooders.” They enjoy talking about all the sacrifices they are making through the veil of false humility. And yet, they insert passive complaints about the very people they are helping. If you find yourself in a position to respond with “You’re so amazing!” -or- “Wow, I don’t know how you do it,” you have just supplied a false saint with the ego boost they wanted.
“My adopted mom was literally able to talk her way out of everything. The proof was right there, so many obvious signs. She babysat SO many kids on top of adopting and fostering. She was pictured as a saint! And if it weren’t for what went on behind closed doors, she would have been. I don’t understand what the actual reasoning is behind taking in a child that needs a family and then causing them harm. I’ll never understand it.”
5. “I Thought They Were Just Unusually Close.”
Unusually close or too close for comfort?
When we see that a child has a close relationship with their parents, it fills us with good feelings. The child knows they have a safe person that they can go to for anything and that’s how it should be.
Then there is the sexually abusive parent. All abusive parents violate both boundaries and privacy. In sexual abuse, boundaries don’t even exist. And therein lies the tell for outsiders to notice. If an interaction between parent and child seems more like what you would expect from a married couple, stop and check in with your sensations. Chances are, you will feel weirded out and disgusted by what you have seen. Then “reason” will set in just because “Well, it’s not like they’re making out right in front of me,” (of course it won’t go that far in front of people). The urge to give into that inner voice of reason will be powerful because it quells the disgust. Before you give in to “reason,” understand that not all incest victims respond to their sexual abusive parent’s touch with repulsion. That’s because groomer parents exist, and they hide in plain sight.
Groomer parents are pedophiles who play on the emotional bond between parent and child. They start them young (toddler to preschool), and deliver their sexual abuse in such a loving manner, that the child grows up believing this is part of their relationship. If you would like more information on groomer parents, I published my interview with Becky Schonscheck, a major advocate for victims of sex trafficking and sexual abuse. She educated me on how groomers operate and how they affect their victims. That interview is here. She also runs a website with her two co-founders: Stand By Survivors LLC.
How to Question What We See
Good people want to assume the best intensions in others. So often, when we sense a red flag, we try and create a narrative with interjection words that help us lower the threat. We don’t want to believe that bad people could be closer than we think. We don’t like the idea that someone we see at church, or that person we go have drinks with, or someone we see at the office every day could be someone sinister behind closed doors. But if we notice the red flags and take the time to challenge our inner narrative, we can start making a difference.
Instead of: “I thought their parents were just really strict.” Bear in mind that words like “just” and “only” are what we use to minimize an issue. Words like “really” and “very” help us strengthen (in this case) a word that’s non-threatening. So, when we get rid of the interjections, how does the interpretation of what you’ve seen feel to you? “I thought their parents were strict.” Does it go far enough? Or does it feel you need a stronger word, like controlling, instead? The same process can be used for: “I thought their parents were just overly protective.” The word “overly” is used to strengthen the term: protective, which is a very (See what I did there?) non-threatening word. Once we get rid of the interjections, we are left with a choice of which interpretation feels more correct. Are the parents protective or are they isolating their child?
Once we know what we are looking for, it becomes obvious. Bad people thrive in the shadows. So, when we expose the bad, we protect the good.