Cognitive Bias to Cognitive Dissonance: How Our Beliefs Direct Our Lives

We all have some degree of cognitive bias. It gives us our fundamental beliefs, after all. We need that foundation to interpret information so that we can understand it. That’s because to function in our day-to-day life, we must make sense of ourselves and our place in the world. So, when confronted by a new belief that challenges the foundation, our brain has a moment’s shock. We know this as cognitive dissonance (Trauma Glossary 1) It’s when we are holding two contradictory beliefs at the same time. The new information feels like an anomaly. How we process it depends on how long we’ve held the old belief and how much it has merged with our identity.

Last week, we learned about the two most extreme types of cognitive bias: the Dunning-Kruger Effect and impostor syndrome (here). Both are using some but not all of the facts that support their beliefs and how they see themselves. So, their brain responds by creating a rebuttal script for rejecting alternate views. It fires so rapidly in real time, that until they become aware of this, they will never experience a cognitive dissonance moment. But when we never take the time to consider and process new information, we limit our growth. We stay stuck in the same patterns.

Of course, we don’t all live in one extreme or the other. There are many gray areas in between. Let’s start with a simple example, since I think it’s safe to say that we have all struggled with appearance issues at some point in our lives.

My Paternal Grandmother

My grandmother was born one-fourth Cherokee which gave her a beautiful olive complexion. She grew up believing she was unattractive because at the time, a milky white complexion was the standard of beauty. But times had certainly changed by the time I entered the world. That’s when everyone wanted a tan. I grew up watching her struggle to understand how her olive complexion had become the most coveted.

Her cognitive bias caused her to dislike her skin color. She experienced cognitive dissonance each time she heard someone say that they were working on their tan and then look at her skin with envy. Every time she would respond with a shake of her head and say, “I just don’t get it,” and then change the subject. Beliefs that have merged with our identity are the most difficult to challenge, even when the contradiction can improve our self-image.

How Toxic Parents Weaponize Cognitive Bias

Not unlike the above image, toxic parents use limited facts while blinding their children to other facts. We know this as gaslighting (Trauma Glossary 1). To survive, we were forced to live by their creed. It’s how we developed our experience in handling certain types of adversity and yet very little understanding of how to grow. The cognitive bias this type of parent feeds us gets hard-wired, while new and improved information feels like “insufficient data” against our programming. Adult survivors of adverse childhoods are often aware of the programming they received but they struggle with digesting more user-friendly beliefs.

Let’s use the most common example I have seen in support groups. Many of us raised by Cluster B disordered (Trauma Glossary 1) parents struggle with understanding how to set boundaries. That’s because in our child development years, we weren’t allowed to have them. So, we never gained experience with setting them. As adults, we learn that we have the right to set boundaries, but we don’t know how. Then people tell us how and we struggle with applying it. Our emotions and the “thought messages” we received come rushing back. There’s either a fear of consequences or shame itself. Because both are too painful in real time, we tend to fall back on what we are most familiar with. Without meaning to, we end up applying outdated methods for approaching new situations. That’s how we stay stuck.

My Cognitive Bias in 2014

Me to my therapist: We only have ourselves as the guaranteed constant in life. Think about it, even if we do find someone who’s like our other half. That person could die tomorrow and then what?

Therapist: (looking at me strangely) Well…that’s true, but…

Me: See? That’s why we should all strive to be more independent.

I was self-righteous with this belief, all because I had one fact that no one could debunk. How many facts was I ignoring just so I could cling to this one truth that was directing my life?

I was determined to be ultra-independent. Not only was the idea of relying on others terrifying, but it triggered my vicious inner critic (Trauma Glossary 2). It would flood me with painful shame messages like “For god’s sake, don’t be so needy!” and “Other people have things they’d rather do than drop everything to attend to your needs. Give them their space and don’t be self-centered.”

So, I gave other people space while I took up as little as possible. I refused to ask for help because it triggered too much shame within. Yet, how quickly I jumped to say yes to other people while inside my head, I was screaming no. I despised people pleasing because it drained me, but I couldn’t figure out how to be any other way without being overwhelmed by shame. Naturally, this cycle I was trapped in created lots of bitterness. My beliefs were: I have no right to ask anything of others, but if I don’t take care of other people, I’m bad. So, I isolated and became even more bitter at the world.

How my programming developed

At age eleven, my brother was born, and the mother role was flung onto me. I didn’t want the job but my parents called me selfish if I complained. So, I used three facts that kept me from taking my resentment out on my brother:

1. He’s a baby, he’s helpless, and he doesn’t understand what’s going on.
2. Children are not able to attend to all their needs, so it’s up to me to help my brother.
3. Somebody must always look out for him, and it’s not his fault it keeps falling on my shoulders.

I raised my brother his first seven years of life. The three facts that I lived by ensured that he stayed safe in my care. Unfortunately, those years took its toll on me. It caused me to develop the belief that I was “the strong one” because I could compartmentalize my emotions to get the job done. No one else in the house seemed able to do that.

This transferred into my adult life, as I developed a hyper-sensitivity to other people’s pain. I learned quickly that I despised human suffering just as much as I despised people pleasing. But my childhood taught me that it was okay if I suffered because I could handle it. Everyone else couldn’t. Therefore, it was my job to help them. I lacked “sufficient data” on how to validate my right to say no. So, I clung to the one “fact” that I could use to feel good about myself: my independence compared to everyone else. It’s as though I was saying to myself, “I might be fatally flawed, but at least I’m not as needy as everyone else.” No wonder I was self-righteous about my independence in 2014.

The Pain Period of Breakthroughs

In the movies, someone sees the therapist and in one session, the patient starts crying. This is usually the part where the therapist says, “Oh, you’re having a breakthrough!” The person cries because they’ve just digested a brand new truth and then, once the crying session is over, they ride off into the sunset with a brand new outlook on life. Well, movies are like events that move in fast-forward. In real life, breakthroughs bring fresh pain and believe me, it’s a pain period, not a single crying session.

The pain of the breakthrough period begins the moment we finally integrate the new belief in lieu of the old one. The reason a pain period follows is because our emotions and our memories of all the times we were using the false beliefs need time to process. I experienced that one the day I saw my father for the lying enabler he was the whole time. It gave me a year of rage flashbacks and I shared that story and how I mastered the flashbacks here.

Another useful tool on challenging our beliefs is using the cognition sheet. I wrote an article on that, with step by step instructions on how to use it for growth by reflecting on our day here. Finally, I have a book on Amazon you might be interested in: Complex-PTSD’s Handbook for Recovery and Flashback Mastery.

Our beliefs have the power to direct our lives. They impact our perception, what we notice, and how we interpret it. For example, when our self-image is poor, it limits our options and therefore our decisions. Challenging the very programming that went into our development is difficult but it’s worth it. It puts us on the path towards thriving in life.