Grieving a Major Loss: An IFS Heal-Along Interview

Death of a loved one, a relationship ending, or loss of a job are life-changing events that can be devastating. When grieving a major loss, we tend to feel more than just sad. We may also feel fear, anger, shame, guilt, abandonment, or we may even get defensive. But in times like these, there is so much emotion overwhelm, it’s hard to distinguish these feelings, much less the thoughts behind them. In IFS, we know this as many parts of ourselves being triggered at the same time. These past few weeks, the focus has been on IFS as a therapy to heal our past traumas. Now, as our last installment of this series, the focus is on how we can use IFS as a tool. Particularly for grieving a major loss, because though they are “a part of life that happens to everyone”, it doesn’t make them less traumatic.

In this special heal-along interview, you will meet my friend, Katherine. Her long-term relationship ended around the same time my Grandmother passed away. (September 28th, 2023.) And so, she and I have been grieving a major loss of someone important in our lives. Apart from our friendship deepening over our shared experiences, we have also been sharing something else. Identifying those parts of us triggered by this overwhelming grief. When we identify the multiple wounds within, we can “feel the feels” without spiraling into depression. This one thing has the power to save us from thinking “death would be a welcome relief from this pain” (This was me on day three of grieving my Grandmother.) by gifting us self-discovery and healing.

As I have done IFS work since December of 2022, Katherine is learning how to use IFS for the first time. But watch how we both start healing through it.

Grieving a Major Loss is the Trailhead

Any situation that creates an emotional reaction (internal or external) tends to trigger more than one part… This incident is what we call the trailhead because like its name implies, it heads us down the trail of discovering more parts.

IFS Therapy: Getting to Know Our Parts

Jaena’s Trailhead

Jaena: My Grandmother started declining the past eight or so years with dementia and she recently died. She was the great first love of my life, my safe person, my nurturer and for 49 years of my life, she was my great constant. Going the rest of my life without her in it is not something I’m used to. I feel like a major pillar within me has been destroyed. I keep getting the vision of myself trying to move on with my life and I’m picking up all these pieces that keep dropping out of my arms as I’m racing to move forward.

All the passion and enthusiasm I once had is gone. Before I lost my Grandmother, I loved martial arts, creating, and writing. Now I barely like them. My motivation is gone and even my energy is depleted. My high-energy has always been “my precious” because I’ve always been capable of doing so much and going for so long. These days, I’m flying that energy flag at half-mast. I used to laugh quickly and easily and now that’s a struggle. I’m getting headaches purely from frowning too long. Oh, how I miss my endorphins!

Katherine’s Trailhead

Katherine: ‘Adam’ was my male best friend for 35 years. Our friendship was spiritual. His influence helped shape how I grew up to choose men. He helped me grieve my mom’s death; we fell in love and began planning our future. Neither of us had experienced a relationship so comfortable and effortless. We bonded with each other’s children. Our families referred to our dating as “the most natural thing ever”. At the height of our happiness he cheated, started a new relationship. I was shattered because he was such a main figure in my lifetime. I blame his alcoholism for the destroying of the relationship and friendship. This loss surpasses any I have experienced including death.

The betrayal by Adam was such a shock mentally, physically, and spiritually, I experienced wide-spread organ decline causing overwhelming pain, illness and requiring diagnostic testing, tissue analysis and medication. I am still dealing with the impact this nightmare had on my health. I attribute this to my mind’s inability to comprehend and accept Adam shutting me out of his life.

A Note on Doing IFS Work with a Partner

First, having an IFS partner is not necessary for any IFS work, even when grieving a major loss. This is just how Katherine and I have chosen to do this. Having an IFS partner can be extra beneficial in our healing and self-discovery work. But it’s crucial to understand our primary job is to act as our partner’s Witness. We practice TARA (Trust, Appreciation, Respect, Assurance) with each part our IFS partner shares. Never judge or intervene, no matter how “mean” or self-critical a part may seem. All parts are welcome in IFS and all parts have positive intent and useful information, no matter what.

For example, if Katherine discovers a part that wants ‘Adam’ back, as her friend, I may want to say “No, you deserve so much better!” But as her IFS partner, it is my job to keep that thought to myself so that Katherine may explore that part for herself.

So, how do we begin?

Well, it’s more simple than using IFS as a therapy. The greatest challenge is grounding ourselves and taking a few deep breaths. Just enough to tune inward and explore ourselves. Think of it as good-old-fashioned “brain dump”, where we ask ourselves, “What all is happening inside my grief?” Then make a list of every thought and feeling that’s going on.

Another thing that may help is checking in with the other emotions listed in this article’s opening. While grieving a major loss, are you also feeling parts of you that have fear, anger, shame, guilt? Are there any parts of you that feel defensive or abandoned in this situation? In Jay Earley’s book, he uses the example of a partner threatening to leave:

Take your time and pay attention to one emotion (and therefore one part) at a time. Even if you are feeling them all at once, focus on just one emotion or experience at a time, just enough to recognize the part and access it…For example, you single out the defensive feeling and hear that part say it wants to defend you against your partner’s accusations. Then you access the part that is terrified of being alone. Then you hear from the self-judging part, and so on. Give each one the microphone and let it speak. You don’t have to spend much time with each part – just enough to access it and get a sense of what it feels. Once you have accessed all the parts, you will have an overall perspective on what is happening, and it will feel less chaotic.

Self-Therapy: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness by Using IFS by Jay Earley (Chapter 9)

The Naming of Our Parts

Jaena’s Bullet List

• Gratitude: This one is a soothing part; it just isn’t enough to withstand all the other emotions. 1) My Grandmother lived to be 93. 2) She is finally free from dementia. 3) Grandmother had a wonderful son (my uncle) who stayed with her, fed her, even changed her diapers so that she never had to live in a nursing home. 4) She died in her own home and on her own terms. Her dying words were, “I’m ready to go now.” Then she closed her eyes to sleep and died. 5) Her death was completely painless.
• Child Abandonment: This is a collective. I keep seeing this sea of devasted inner-child faces all asking, “Who will love us now? Who will be sweet to us now that there’s no Grandmommy forever?” This collective of parts cares nothing about the gratitude. It wants her back, no matter what. Dementia Grandmother is better than Deceased Grandmother.
• Legacy Keeper: This one is the strongest within me. It says, “No one is allowed to forget this great woman existed.” I can’t stop talking about my Grandmother, sharing stories about her on my personal accounts, doing creative projects in her honor. I won’t even leave my house without wearing my black armband in remembrance of her.
• Anger: This one is triggered when well-meaning people say that I will always have the memories. I want to scream, “Don’t you see that’s just the problem? This phenomenal woman has now been reduced to a mere memory.” I don’t say anything, of course. I just wish they wouldn’t say that to me.
• Guilt: Feeling like I didn’t see her enough or show her enough love over the years. Also feeling disrespectful to my Grandmother’s memory if I start enjoying a moment. Guilt says, “Some loving granddaughter you were!”

Katherine’s Bullet List

• Unlovable I have never been loved the way I need to be loved in life, though I have loved with all my heart. I pushed Adam away during the early part of our relationship and felt like I didn’t deserve love from him. And at the end he told me that my hurting his feelings and pushing him away is what drove him away.
• Soul Mate (Eve/Lilith) wants him back regardless of how badly he hurt me because I know how close we were and how right it felt when it was right. And so that part of me is willing to forgive any b***s*** even though I wouldn’t put up with it from any other person and I refuse to accept otherwise. 
• Brat is I want my f****** way and I want it now because I deserve it. And this is right and he’s a fool and I don’t like it when people tell me no and I haven’t gotten what I’ve deserved most of my life. Brat is a teenager responsible for inner strength.
• Keeper is the sum of all parts that wants Adam to acknowledge what the parts and our families all feel- that we were supposed to be together. 

Assuaging the Parts Grieving a Major Loss

Jaena’s Assessment

Guilt to Gratitude: I acknowledge Gratitude is the one that helps me out of the overwhelm. Thanks to my uncle who talked to me hours after my Grandmother’s funeral. He showed me a stack of three quilts she made before dementia robbed her of her abilities. He told me that I was the grandchild that made all those trips to see Grandmother and that I continued to see her even as dementia was taking more and more from her. And then he said that I earned the first pick of those quilts. Those words – coming from the very man who took care of her – mean a lot. I’ve turned his words into a mantra, and it has soothed that part of my guilt. It has also served as a reminder that we all experience this kind of guilt when grieving a major loss.

Child Abandonment: No wonder talking to my friends has been so soothing against the pain. They say you find out who your friends are when you’re going through something terrible. All I can say is that I have the most wonderful friends. So many people have reached out to me and have been listening and talking to me. I have never been alone in my grief for a single day. Every phone call and text conversation has been assuring this collective part that lots of people still love them and lots of people will be sweet to them.

Anger helps me see that I need to assert my grieving needs. Ask well-meaning people to not comfort me with the word, “memories” because that’s now all I have and that’s the part that makes me sad.

Legacy Keeper and that part of my guilt that feels disrespectful for enjoying the moment are still a problem. They seem connected.

Katherine’s Assessment

Unlovable A little child made to feel unloved, experienced trauma from her caregivers. Since working on IFS, I don’t believe that I am responsible for as much hurt as Adam says I am, as I have gotten clarity through his alcoholism that he may be blaming me because he cannot cope with how he hurt me. I know I did push him away in the beginning with being a b**** to see if he would leave. 

Soul Mate (Eve/Lilith) Through IFS Soulmate became two parts.  Eve is the part who still loves Adam remembers how things were with us growing up, during our relationship, wants to heal with him, even though he f***** me over. Eve is the rib, knows this connection is divinely purposed and nothing had ever felt so right to either of them. Lilith is the jilted, bitter, hateful, crying, angry, aspect.  Lilith feels wronged, feels cast out of Eden unfairly, is destroyed that her last safe person on earth discarded her. He showed me I was unworthy of love by cheating on me, lying and cutting me out of his life.

Brat The brat is a teenager version of Unlovable little child. The Brat saved herself by becoming braver than most people. Brat is responsible for inner strength. Brat is present every day of my life.

Keeper fuels the pain in all parts, anger, grief, disbelief, bargaining, hope. Adam don’t you see how it was finally our turn to be happy, to be loved, like neither of us ever had been? Keeper wants acknowledgement and validation. Keeper wants Adam to return, apologize and explain himself, then get help for his alcoholism, wants Adam to take blame for the physical breakdown in health I have experienced and help heal me by helping to take care of me. 

Self-Discovery

Jaena’s Legacy Keeper

I realize I’ve been stuck in this constant loop, thinking, “Grandmother was so important and how is it that the world keeps turning without her in it?” And so, I now know who Legacy Keeper is. I’ve gotten to know that part in the past and it’s a major part of my system. It’s Live-Wire, my overactive flight response, who also happens to be a little boy. I wrote of my discovery of him in this heal-along. Live-Wire is stuck on being important and proving himself. And he has all the optimistic enthusiasm of a hyper-active little boy. Now that he is sad, he has transferred all that energy of proving his self-importance onto Grandmother. He is keeping her alive in the only way he knows, and that’s by immortalizing her. No wonder I’ve lost my energy and motivation. Live-Wire is my fuel and the source of my endorphins.

I need to sort of redirect these thoughts in a way that is not saying let go – because we’ll never let go – but don’t hold on for dear life because it’s definitely not something our grandparents wanted. It’s a good idea to review my grandparents through the lens of what their lives represented. Then use it in a way of perpetuating their legacy. Not as an extension of them – because that’s just as toxic as the Cluster B parents (Trauma Glossary 1) who want their children to be an extension of them – but perpetuating their legacy in my own way.

Katherine’s Keeper

I see that Keeper is the collective grief of all parts in representation. Keeper is stuck on Adam’s demonstration that he saw these things too, spoke them out loud, that it was his idea for me to move home, start a life with him and at the height of our happiness, he left. Keeper struggles to heal because I have no closure, I want to understand how someone who loved me so much could hurt me so deeply. I don’t believe I will ever have the bond, the chemistry, the friendship, the effortlessness, the spiritual connection that I had with Adam with anyone else. 

People hurt for us that we didn’t make it, as one said, “The friendship was sacred”. Their acknowledgement that the relationship should never have ended is validating, also more painful, because it confirms that what I felt, what I saw, was real. So, why can’t he? I feel lost, like he died and so did part of me.

Healing the Overwhelm

Jaena’s Mantra

First, thank goodness I made this history comic of my grandfather just one year before losing my grandmother. It’s a reminder to Live-Wire that we have already immortalized our grandparents. It tells the story of my grandfather who was also grieving a major loss when he lost his first wife and his first born in a car crash. By the story’s conclusion, he did the healing work so that he could open his heart again when he met my grandmother. Had my grandfather abandoned the living in his pursuit of immortalizing the dead, I wouldn’t exist today.

My grandmother is another example. She lost her mother when she was eighteen. And I know she missed her because she always spoke so highly of her mother. But she didn’t let her grief get in the way of enjoying the living. Flash forward to the years 1992 and 1993. In 1992, one of her sons died (the second time my grandfather would lose a child) and then one year later, my grandfather died. Grieving a major loss like that would make anyone shut down, but she didn’t. Had my grandmother abandoned the living, I would have lost thirty years of beautiful experiences with her.

And so, after reminding Live-Wire of what our grandparents stood for, I worked out a mantra. I use my hand as a focal point and point to the most visible vein and say, “Their blood lives on in you. Remember everything they endured and keep going. Both grandparents lived exactly how they wanted. They never desired to become legends. That’s your dream, not theirs. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to enjoy the moment. We shouldn’t immortalize the dead by abandoning the living. Because everything we do for the living is how we perpetuate the legacy.”

Katherine’s Coping Strategies

Adam was a major pillar in my youth, my family life. This is the single worst pain I have ever experienced. If not for Jaena’s selfless act of working IFS with me while grieving her grandmother, I worry where I would be mentally today. And so, I began a TikTok channel which gives empowering advice on healing from breakups, and this has also helped me heal, through speaking aloud my pain, as well as seeing how it has helped others. I am concerned I am becoming a hardened individual because of this blow on top of the trauma I have already experienced in life. I am focusing on healing mind and body so I can get back to who I was before this loss. 

Journaling and using the 16 questions [See the article Getting to Know Our Parts] on my parts has helped me tremendously. Also, expressing myself through poetry and art are major healers for me. I am finally calm enough where I can express my pain and deal with it. Speaking with Jaena, working the IFS together made all the difference in the world. Literally, it kept me from losing my mind while grieving a major loss.

Grieving a Major Loss: Our Closing Remarks to Each Other

Jaena: This is no cure for grief because I know you and I both will hurt for a long time. But it has helped me see it more clearly and know how to better navigate it. I keep saying my mantras when Live-Wire is triggered to become Legacy Keeper. But each time is becoming easier. I perpetuate my grandparents’ legacy not by immortalizing them, but by giving to others what my grandparents gave me. I think that’s why I made my holiday video last week for my social media pages (here). It’s an opportunity to reach even more people in my CPTSD community and tell them about all the activities we do in my support group each holiday season.

Katherine: Collective healing heals everybody.

Jaena: Absolutely. I think when grieving a major loss, we tend to feel all alone on some level. And so, it’s important that we always reach out. Isolation is a silent killer. But we must reach out to those who will validate our pain and are willing to listen.

Katherine: Yes that’s crucial and it’s also crucial to have somebody that you can do that with. What I really liked about this was TARA because regardless of what I said or how I felt, it was acceptable, and I wasn’t going to be judged. Even when you go to your support network, you aren’t always free from judgment. People take what you say sometimes at face value, and they get overly concerned. But doing IFS with you made it so much easier. So, if people would adopt the TARA mindset more often, I think more people would be willing to talk about how they felt rather than self-isolate, which is what I tend to do.

Some Visual Aids For You

These were originally published on my social media pages. But I find them relevant for this topic. First, if you need something to help you remember the acronym TARA, both as an IFS partner and when doing your own IFS work:

The next two are to help you in case you are grieving a major loss too. While first, I hope you click on the link to my social media video. Then DM me if you want in my group, because bringing comfort and light to more people will help me through my grief even more. But digression aside, Katherine and I have found both art therapy and reaching out to be most helpful. These memes explain the science behind why they are so important.

For more information behind our science, check out my article on the Vagus Nerve (here).