So, you got your “starter pack” from last week’s article and you’re ready to navigate the healing journey? Well, grab your compass because healing complex trauma is never straight and narrow. What sort of compass, you may ask, because surely we aren’t going on a literal hike or something? And you’re right. We are embarking on a mental quest. The “compass” is your reminder of why we are on this quest and more importantly, your goals (the reward). Just like in life, so it is in our healing journey, that we will encounter many obstacles. And it can feel discouraging.
Last week, we talked about building the foundation to begin healing. Those basic resources are what we need in our “backpack” to better navigate our healing journey. So, using the Morpheus analogy from The Matrix last week, (here) we took his red pill and “woke up” to the truth. “Oh, it wasn’t me, it was my disordered parents the whole time,” we exclaim.
“Not so fast,” says Morpheus. “That trauma matrix programming still exists in you. All the abuses they inflicted on you have taught you how to perpetuate those same abuses on yourself. You must un-learn this programming. It is your only hope for improving your quality of life.” He opens the door and points us towards the most convoluted path we have ever seen.
And now we are ready to begin our quest.
Navigating the Healing Journey
As children, our brains and bodies developed inside trauma itself. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal were such a normal part of our lives, we had no choice but to develop coping mechanisms just to survive. Cluster B disordered parents are notorious for scapegoating, gaslighting, and denying their children their right to autonomy. (Both underline terms are in Trauma Glossary 1.)
This gave us many cognitive distortions, such as feeling irrational guilt over things that are not our fault. And not to mention, other distortions in Trauma Glossary 2. Just look for these terms, in alphabetical order: Catastrophizing; FOG; Hyper-vigilance; Impostor Syndrome; Learned Helplessness; Negative Noticing; Repetition Compulsion; Self-Abandonment; Toxic Shame. That’s quite the list, isn’t it? Every one of these are rooted in having poor confidence and self-esteem. That will automatically impact how we see our place in the world. And so, we make decisions based on these cognitive distortions and it keeps us stuck in the same outcome.
The biological science behind our trauma is the reason we can’t just snap our fingers and develop better beliefs. Because our cognitive programming also programs the nervous system, body chemicals, and the brain’s wiring. That’s why, even after taking Morpheus’s red pill, we must go on this journey to teach our brains and bodies new ways of navigating life.
The Voyage of Self-Discovery Breeds Resiliency
Healing isn’t “self-improvement”, it’s self-discovery. The major folly for low confidence and self-esteem is believing we need to improve ourselves. But this thinking is how we stay trapped in the vicious cycle. Remember what was said at the beginning of this article. The abuses our parents inflicted on us have taught us how to perpetuate those same abuses on ourselves.
So, if you had the sort of parent who was always moving the goalposts and made you feel as though nothing you ever did was good enough, you will end up moving the goalposts on yourself. And no amount of self-improvement will ever make you feel good enough about yourself. Believe me, I spent twenty-two years of my adult life doing this to myself and I can confirm that it got me nowhere in life. Don’t do to yourself what I did to myself. The truth is, you are already good enough. You just don’t know yourself. As we get to know ourselves, we build our confidence and self-esteem.
Not knowing ourselves is the reason for another major problem we tend to have. It’s a lack of resiliency. When the world looks dangerous to us and we don’t have enough confidence to believe we can handle it, we are unable to see how we can recover from our mistakes or life’s setbacks. This is particularly challenging for anyone who was severely punished for minor mistakes. It causes the risks to loom larger than the reward. We fear making mistakes on an extreme level because we were never given the opportunity to experience the beautiful growth of learning from them. And so, as we navigate our healing journey, self-discovery will help us understand that mistakes are not dangerous and we can always recover from them.
The Road Blocks of Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is when we hold two opposite beliefs at the same time. The old belief is being challenged by a new one. It creates confusion and sometimes, mental paralysis. We are unsure what to do with this new information, even when the new belief is kinder than the old one. That’s the reason it takes a few re-reads of Pete Walkers book, Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving to digest what he is telling us. It’s also why when I tell you that having Complex-PTSD means you have terrible beliefs about yourself and that you are more capable and deserving than you think, you can’t go forth in the world right away with improved confidence and self-esteem.
Cognitive dissonance is also the reason that certain tools might not work for us just yet. We need to be open to them first because some might be the right tool at the wrong time. Or it can be a tool that you will never need. We are all individuals with unique needs. As we navigate our healing journey, we will discover what works for us along the way.
Even as we process our trauma, we may have a difficult time validating our side because we are so used to seeing ourselves as fatally flawed. This is another example of cognitive dissonance. Then, once we finally break through it, we may see our abusers a little too clearly and it creates overwhelming pain. The pain makes us feel like we aren’t making any progress, when in reality, that’s when we make the most amazing growth. This happened to me when I had a year of rage flashbacks at my enabler father. But that year of rage flashbacks rewired my self-abandonment programming. That heal-along example is here.
Navigate Healing with Patience and Self-Compassion
Just like in life, so it is in healing. You will make mistakes and nothing is ever straight and narrow. And as long as you remember that healing is a voyage of self-discovery to reach that destination, you will never heal “wrongly”, regardless of mistakes or setbacks. Patience and self-compassion will be your most important tools. Because there will be times – especially early on in your healing – when you’re making progress, only to feel like you’re starting over again. I assure you, it’s still progress. Conversely, you may feel as though you haven’t been making any progress for a while. And then one day you will catch yourself in the act handling a situation better than you used to. Progress and growth are sneaky that way. And that’s one more reason you should practice patience and self-compassion.
So, what about emotional healing, or learning how to integrate (social healing)? We will get more into those in the upcoming weeks, including how to find the right tools for your needs. This series of articles are for those whose healing journey has just begun. When we first learn about our problems as trauma survivors, it feels overwhelming and we are confused as per how to navigate our healing journey. That’s why these articles must be shorter pieces so that they are easier to digest.
However, I can leave you with something as a “test” on your willingness to practice patience and self-compassion.
Further Reading
Our beliefs are what drive our thoughts and feelings into action. So, from the list of cognitive distortions that I named in Trauma Glossary 2, I have written comprehensive articles, including what we can do about them on five of those problems. In a trauma-informed therapist’s office, a good therapist will ask you “What is it you would like to work on?” Not “Let’s work on every single problem at once”. In other words, choose one problem at a time. Since my site targets those who either can’t access therapy or they are being re-traumatized by a bad therapist, I offer up ways we can practice self-therapy.
And so, from the cognitive distortions in Trauma Glossary 2, which of the following would you like to work on? But more importantly, which one feels most doable for you?
Six steps for negotiating with the False Prophet known as Catastrophizing is here.
How to practice thought reframe when we have Impostor Syndrome is here.
Understanding Learned Helplessness and why we really need to practice patience when working on this one is here.
How to practice positive feedback loops to combat Negative Noticing is here.
How to use new experiences to break free from Repetition Compulsion is here.
Finally, since we also talked about Cognitive Dissonance, you may appreciate this article to better understand how to break through it here.
If none of these are doable for you, that’s better than choosing all of the above. We also have two master toolboxes on the main menu of this site that can help. Healing isn’t about making leaps and bounds. It’s like learning to walk again. We take one small step at a time.