Good for you on finding this article! It means that you’re finally considering what you need instead of what your abuser needs. But finding this article also means you have many questions, which I will cover. You may wonder what no contact means and whether or not you are ready. You need to know how to prepare for and combat the repercussion stage so that you can reap the benefits that no contact has to offer. More than likely, you’re wondering if you “qualify” for no contact. In other words, you are questioning whether your toxic parent has abused you enough.
Validate Yourself 101
If you’re struggling with the latter, I got you covered. Trauma Glossary 1 includes a list and definitions of what the abusers do that creates trauma. Trauma Glossary 2 is a list of ongoing problems you may have because of what happened to you. Finally, in Trauma Glossary 3, you will see how trauma has adverse effects on the body. If you identify with anything in those glossaries, you have a justifiable reason to have no contact with your abuser. Sharing DNA is irrelevant.
Your current circumstances: Ready now or wait a while?
I promote no contact because it’s the only tool for managing a relationship with an abuser. However, life is rarely so simple as waking up one day and making this decision. Going no contact is your choice and no one can tell you what’s right or wrong. In fact, everything from your feelings to your current situation are valid and worth considering. Here are some of the most common:
- Radical Acceptance: Do you accept that your abuser will always abuse and you’ve had enough?
- Are you financially independent of your abuser? For example, if you’re in college and your abuser is footing the bill, you may want to wait. This is NOT because “you owe them” for providing your education. It’s because they are wired for laundry listing (Trauma Glossary 1) and will use that to justify both financial and educational abuse. The truth is everything from the cost of feeding a helpless child to birthday gifts are on that list. Every little thing they do has a price and unfortunately, they can, and they will cut off your college education.
- How far away do you live from them? You certainly don’t want to live down the street from your abuser if you go no contact. No, I’m not saying flee the country. I am recommending you live at least thirty miles away. Your abuser shouldn’t have easy access to you. Nor should you have to worry about a chance run-in every time you run an errand.
- Your feelings for those living with your abuser should be considered. Unfortunately, no contact includes those living with your abuser, from the enabler parent (Trauma Glossary 1) to minor siblings. The house tyrant knows who you love, and it will become the first weapon they use against you. More on this one later.
What Does No Contact Mean?
No contact means the complete annihilation of physical, verbal, and written communication with the abuser. No card sending and no participating in back and forth messages with a third party, because it still counts as communicating with the abuser. The purpose of no contact is removing the primary stressor from your life so that you can gain some clarity.
The trauma bond (Trauma Glossary 1) that exists between the abuser and their child is powerful. No matter how much you have validated your experiences to justify no contact, I guarantee you have no idea how much more you were abused. Both time and distance from your abuser will start bringing that validation to light. I have said this before and I will keep saying it. We need a strong foundation to begin healing. Clarity and validation are what build this foundation.
How To Drag Out The Process: What NOT To Do
You do not owe your abuser “fair warning” or “one last chance” prior to going no contact. Your abuser had several years of second chances and opportunities to consider how their behavior was hurting you. So, informing your abuser that you won’t speak to them again unless they start DBT therapy will only be interpreted as an ultimatum. (And let’s be honest, it kind of is, despite how well-meaning the intent.) Sending your abuser a letter or message declaring yourself in no contact and your reasons for doing so will also make them reactive. In fact, their reaction will go one of two extremes, but both will end with them showing the same abusive behaviors you’ve always known.
They will either attack relentlessly, because in their head, it goes something like this: “How dare you make me feel bad about my abusive behavior!” The only upside to this reaction is, you just got extra validation for going no contact. The other extreme is Love Bombing (Trauma Glossary 1). If you think their overt attacks are hurtful, their love bombing stage (and it is nothing more than a stage) will break your heart. The child of an abuser is the most vulnerable to their manipulations. Love bombing is a trick and when the mask slips, all the false hopes you built on finally having a good parent will come crashing down. That’s when you learn the hard way that parental betrayal cuts deeper the second time around.
How To Start The Process of No Contact
Notice how I worded this section. You are starting this process by doing everything on your end to block the abuser. It takes a little while to be in no contact because no abuser is willing to fade quietly from their victim’s life. Don’t let that discourage you, because you will see how to put an end to their harassment in a bit. What you need to start:
- See also the four bullet points above regarding your current circumstances. Hopefully you have checked each box, because going back to the abuser is retraumatizing. Take my word for it. When you show the abuser how willing you were to get away from them, only to realize one of your circumstances wasn’t first squared away, the abuser will go on a power trip. The abuser knows you are only in their life because you have no choice. And they will take full advantage by adding more abuse. In their entitled mind, they are punishing you for being in their life purely out of obligation.
- Block them! Block them on social media, your email, and your phone. And no calling or messaging them. Can’t they just create a second account or use a burner phone to contact me anyway? Yes, and as a matter of fact, I guarantee that they will do one or the other. There are some who have changed their email and phone numbers just to avoid this. Changing your accounts is entirely up to you, as it has been an added buffer to those who have. But for others, changing all their accounts is too much hassle and that’s fine too. Rest assured that no contact does not mean treating it like it’s the witness protection program.
- Join a support group. You’re going to need it.
Brace Yourself: It’s the Harassment Stage
If your abuser knows where you live, they will show up. If they know where you shop or where you work, they will look for you there. The abuser is not above using other people’s accounts to snoop on your social media. If they can find any means of contacting harassing you, they will use it.
The Changes in Your Body Will be Rapid
You know that feeling of dread you always experienced when the phone rang because you were anticipating your abuser before seeing the caller ID? Well, dread is actually a form of “high functioning” anxiety and sadness. You can thank your body chemical, norepinephrine for lowering your emotional response and helping you cope with ongoing abuse when escape was not an option.
Norepinephrine is a fast learner. As soon as we go no contact with our abuser, our norepinephrine lowers because it no longer has to help us cope with the toxic element in our life. However, adrenaline takes over the job, which is all about fight or flight and emotional thinking. That’s why, when we reencounter our abuser (even through a phone call) after declaring no contact, those old feelings of dread jump to panic attacks. Please understand that this is a natural reaction and it in no way suggests you have suddenly become a coward. (Don’t you dare give yourself this self-talk!)
Prepare for What’s Next
I know, you’re tempted to join the witness protection program. But rest assured that their harassment will be temporary because their actions are what will do them in. Here’s what to do to fortify yourself:
- Be careful what you message to those who live with the abuser. Especially siblings, because I get it. It’s natural to care about their welfare and to refuse going no contact with them. Regardless of how much you trust them, always remember that they still live with your abuser. It only takes ONE time for your sibling to leave their phone unattended long enough for the abuser to snoop.
- Set up your phone to send all unrecognized numbers straight to voicemail. This way, no matter how many burner phones they buy, you never have to deal with them. On voicemail, go to transcripts of their recording. It’s easier to read “this is your mom/dad” instead of hearing their voice.
- Give your boss and your landlord a heads up. I recommend explaining that your parent is a borderline, narcissist, histrionic or psychopath. If they have no idea what those words mean, just say Amber Heard, and then they will get it. Money trumps personal bias. So, regardless of where they stand on the child’s feelings for “their own parents” (cue in the eyeroll) the bottom line will win the day. Repeat after me: Crazy on the property is bad for business. So, if and when your abuser shows up and behaves as their usual selves, they will be escorted off, and possibly banned from the property. There’s also an extra incentive: security footage! This leads into the next part…
Evidence Gathering: Document Everything!
Do NOT engage! Do NOT react! Any time your abuser confronts you in public, they are attempting to trigger you into a reaction. (See also Reactive Abuse in Trauma Glossary 1.) They are also trying to gain public sympathy. Stay mindful of the fact that both witnesses and security cameras know nothing of your history with your abuser. They are only concerned with what they are seeing in the present. Do whatever it is you need to do to not react. Many of us coped in our childhood by dissociating (Trauma Glossary 2). Such moments as a public encounter with your abuser might be a good time to use dissociation as a tool for coping. Believe me, the longer you can hold your own without reacting, the faster they will be triggered. That’s when they will expose their crazy and you will come out on top.
The same can be said on anything written they send you. Delete nothing. Save everything. And do not respond. Put it all into a special file so that you don’t have to look at it every day. There’s a good chance that you will gather at least one piece of evidence that can get the law involved. Everything else they have sent will help build your case and confirm the patterns of harassment.
Now, what about the social community and extended family members?
You learn quick who is and is not worth keeping in your life.
I wrote an article a while back on the five community victim shamers and how to deal with them here. Anyone who falls into the five types described should also be blocked. At the same time, I hope you understand that not everyone in your community will be a victim shamer. The purpose of that article was to show you the red flags and also how to affirm yourself in the face of their shaming campaign. But those who care will ask how you are doing, first. Then they will leave the door open for you to talk, without pressuring you to do so. They are the ones who deserve to hear your story when you are ready to share it.
The Benefits of Going No Contact
- You never know what you’re made of until you challenge this hierarchy. I mean the child victim of an abuser who shares their DNA. I know, our abusers had the mentality of “it isn’t me, it’s everyone else.” This made many of us hyper-sensitive to what “everyone else” thought. However, in this case, the so-called “everyone else” is wrong. Your needs are more important than your abuser’s. Choose you! You will be on the path towards the greatest growth and the greatest healing.
- You get a crash course on developing your fight response. Our fight response entails saying no, asserting, and setting boundaries. Going no contact with your abuser is setting the ultimate boundary. Standing up to and affirming yourself in the face of the community victim shamers is also how we develop our fight response.
- Your healing is going to take off even faster than had it started with your abuser still in your life. You get to heal now without your abuser barging into your life and making demands. That was always a distraction. But not anymore.
- The worst day without your abuser will always be better than your best day with your abuser. This is self-explanatory. It’s something you have to experience in order to fully understand. But believe me, I’m not the only one who has said this very thing.
Going no contact is complicated and all situations are unique. That’s why next week, I will be back with members of my group, who will share their experiences with how they went no contact, mistakes they made along the way, and what advice they can offer you based off their own experiences.