When processing our trauma, there are three things we must practice. Mindfulness, Grounding, and building and maintaining our Window of Tolerance. Mindfulness means being present and aware of the moment. Grounding helps us feel fully present inside our bodies by using our five senses. So, put it together, it’s presence of both mind and body. And why is it important when processing the past? Because traumatic events tend to blur our emotional awareness of time. What happened long ago can easily feel like it’s happening now when we are processing it. And so, the more we practice mind and body presence, the more able we are to manage our window of tolerance.
The window of tolerance is how we go outside our comfort zone and tolerate uncomfortable emotions without being overwhelmed by them. “Feeling the feels” in order to heal is true. But when we feel too much, we reach hyper-arousal (fight-or-flight emotions like explosive anger or panic) or hypo-arousal (freeze response, e.g. spacing out, depression, and feeling powerless). And when this happens, we are outside our window of tolerance. The past has full control of the present and we are no longer able to bring closure to the memory.
Mindfulness, grounding, and the window of tolerance are also necessary when navigating life after trauma. So, what’s the catch?
We Hate Mindfulness!
All trauma survivors despise mindfulness because it means being present. And that goes against our brain and body programming, which is to “check out” of the present.
Let’s face it, when we are too small to outrun the threat or fight back (Fight-or-Flight), our only defense is dissociating (Trauma Glossary 2) which is part of our Freeze response. Over time, this programs our brains and bodies into dissociating on autopilot. We get comfortable with our system’s settings. Then when we first start practicing mindfulness, it’s so uncomfortable, it feels downright gross.
“Ew!” our whole system thinks, “What is the purpose of this mundane thing? It’s painfully boring. Can’t we just change the channel or something?” In other words, it’s used to watching horror movies and thrillers. And now it’s unsure what to make of this new show that’s uneventful and lacks a fast-paced plot.
Painful Presence: Fear vs. Boredom
We are certainly present when we are hypervigilant (on our guard while scanning for threats). But that’s what trauma teaches us. Mindfulness teaches us how to be present when there are no threats. And that’s how we prove to our system that it’s safe now. Because while we might know we are free from the traumatic past, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the brain and body have gotten that memo.
Adult survivors of chaotic childhoods are at an extra disadvantage. Our nervous systems developed in a constant state of high-alert and it doesn’t understand how to respond to peaceful situations. And so, it interprets peaceful as boring. That’s why we tend to be more comfortable with being fearfully present than we are with being peacefully present. It also explains why it’s so hard to train our nervous system into accepting uncomfortable boring over uncomfortable fear.
But take comfort in this. 1) Everyone – traumatized or not – “checks out” of the present when bored. Our nervous system just tends to get bored more easily than your average person. 2) There are ways we can practice mindfulness without the pain of boredom overwhelm. Because yes, boredom is a painful emotion. Otherwise, we wouldn’t despise mindfulness as much as we do.
Grounding
With grounding, we tune inward and become fully aware of our butt in the seat, our feet on the ground, etc.. Then we become aware of our surroundings and can turn it into a mini-game using our other senses. For example, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. Name five things you see, four things you feel by touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Each time you do this one means you just practiced mindfulness and grounding together. But there are other ways of practicing mind-and-body presence.
Yoga is using our bodies to tolerate uncomfortable stretches for a certain amount of time. Either by counting or by the number of breaths. Remember, the window of tolerance is not the window comfort. It’s where we can go while tolerating something uncomfortable. So, not only is yoga great for mindfulness and grounding. It also helps us widen our window of tolerance.
Meditation is another good one but for many of us cursed with an easily distractable mind, it doesn’t seem possible. Well, try this one on YouTube. “F*ck That: An Honest Meditation”. As you can gather from the title, Jason Headley cusses in this one. It’s also short and quite funny. Its entertainment value obliviates the boredom so that you will stay present.
Correcting Our Paradoxical Breathing
What is paradoxical breathing? It’s backwards breathing. If your stomach goes in when you inhale instead of out like it’s supposed to, you are paradoxical breathing. Breathing backwards overstimulates the sympathetic nerve (fight-or-flight and also arousal responses) and it’s common in survivors of adverse homes. The good news is, it’s an easy fix but you have to set a five minute daily intention for at least three weeks.
Lie on the floor and place one or two books on your stomach. Then breathe like this for five to ten minutes a day. It’s okay if your mind wanders, as long as you spend a little bit of that time being aware of how the pressure of the books on your stomach is forcing your stomach to expand on the inhale. The way it’s supposed to. In just a matter of weeks, your paradoxical breathing will reverse and it will be permanent. In other words, you will not have to spend the rest of your life lying on the floor with books on your stomach every day.
Correcting our paradoxical breathing is a great first step for training our nervous system to calm down. While it won’t “cure” our tendency to check out of the present when all is peaceful and calm, it will certainly help us moving forward. For a more comprehensive understanding of how our breathing impacts our sympathetic nerve and what we can do about it, this article is for you (here).
Other Not Boring Ways to Practice Mindfulness
The best news is that there are times we have practiced mindfulness. We just weren’t aware of it. When we are engaged in a conversation and giving that person our undivided attention, we practice mindfulness. Artists – especially when painting or sketching still life – practice mindfulness.
Group activities, from sports to theatre are ways we actively engage with our present environment. These activities force us to focus on now, pay attention to what everyone else is doing, and know when it’s our turn to actively contribute something.
Socializing not your thing? Try checking in with yourself two or three times a day for just five minutes each time. I refer to this one as the “slotting technique” and it has been most useful for me. Each day, you are free to check out of the present as much as your heart desires. The only catch is you must schedule a couple of five minute mindfulness sessions. Check in with yourself, check in with a person, or just take the time to notice your surroundings. You’re giving yourself what you crave while “slotting” it with mindfulness. This is how we teach our system that being present is safe. And the most effective way to teach it this is by allowing it the freedom of that which it most wants (distracting activities) while experiencing the new and “less certain” experience (being present).
Gratitude is another great one. Every time we notice something in our lives and we appreciate it, we are giving our system positive experiences with mindfulness. And that’s how it becomes more accepting of peace and less so of, shall we say, the “high-stimulant” situations. As we adapt to being present in calm situations, our nervous system learns that boring peaceful relationships are far more attractive than the high-conflict ones.
Further Reading
There is a science behind what is causing us to check out from the present and why we despise mindfulness so much. For a more comprehensive understanding of what’s going on and what we can do about it, I have two articles for you. The first is the Thalamus, that part of our brain that interprets the now. The thalamus is also responsible for filtering background noises so that we are better able to focus. That article is here.
The other one is the Watchtower and the Mohawk of Self-Awareness. The watchtower is the part of our brain that acts as the counterweight to the amygdala. It also sends information to four other parts of the brain’s midline (hence, why it’s referred to as the mohawk). But where trauma is concerned, there tends to be a breakdown in its communication. In this article, you learn how to practice interoception (tuning inward) and how that will help strengthen self-awareness. Because once we understand the science behind what’s going on, we can figure out ways we can hack it. That article is here.