In our Complex-PTSD community, we tend to get excited when we find the right tools. Our first instinct is to share what works with everyone else. It’s certainly well-meaning. We just want to save others the time and trouble it took us to find it. But we forget the time and trouble was what led us to being open to the right tools. Because until we are open to it, it’s the right tool at the wrong time.
On day one of my healing journey, had someone put me in front of a punching bag and told me to beat it so that I won’t be in emotional pain anymore I’d have rolled my eyes. But a year later, after processing my trauma and learning how to be fully present for it, I walked into a kickboxing gym and beat the bag for forty-five minutes. And that was the day I discovered I needed martial arts in my life. It was also the day I took to the internet like a public service announcement. “You have to try this!” I said with exclamation points behind each sentence. “It’s so empowering! It took me a year but my flashbacks are officially managed!” How quickly I forgot my original view of martial arts prior to healing.
So, does this mean that we should all aspire to martial arts? Of course not. For some, violence – even on an inanimate object – is too triggering for that to ever be an option. All problems will always have multiple options. We are all individuals with unique needs. As we navigate our healing journey, we will find the right tools for us along the way.
Right Tools, Wrong Time vs. Right Tools, Right Time
We must learn to practice self-compassion and patience as we explore ourselves. It’s also crucial that we find the tribe we belong with, not the one we were born in. And finally, because trauma is stored in the body, we must practice mindfulness so that our nervous system learns that it’s safe now and stops overwhelming us with painful memories.
The great conundrum of course, is that all trauma survivors despise mindfulness and it will always feel like the right tool at the wrong time. Many of us have such poor confidence and self-esteem, we cannot imagine being kind and patient with ourselves. Social anxiety is another common problem. How are we to find our tribe when the mere idea of reaching out and communicating overwhelms us with fear?
Then there are some traumas that bring up so much overwhelming pain that in order to function, we have a reverse-order of what we typically need to heal it. In such cases, we may first need tools to manage the flashback and then start processing the trauma. So, even when processing, in some rare cases it can be the right thing to do but at the wrong time.
That’s where we find the right tools that will help us get there. There are some tools we will never need and that’s okay. Other tools will be the right tool for now but as we grow, we may outgrow the tool itself. And then we may say to the tool, “Thank you for your service, but your services are no longer required.”
The Right Therapies at the Right or Wrong Time
In the Complex-PTSD community, we tend to promote the best therapy that has worked for us. The most popular are EMDR, IFS, Somatic Work, and Art Therapy. And these vary in order, from therapist required to options for using them as a self-therapy. While there is no one-size-fits-all, even in the Complex-PTSD community, there is one fundamental thing these therapies have in common. It’s being open to what they each have to offer. Just as we may find the right tools at the right or wrong time, so it is for therapies. So, with that said, let’s explore what these do and why they may be right or wrong for you at this time.
EMDR
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps desensitize our Big T traumas into lower disturbance levels. Because it uses bilateral stimulation to achieve this, it’s also in the category of Somatic Work (body work specifically designed for our nervous system). EMDR is intense and it’s designed to work fast. This tempts many into trying it. However, there is a definitive link between the EMDR success stories and those who had a strong foothold in their trauma before starting EMDR. So, if you have just begun your healing journey, EMDR might fit your needs later on, but not at this point. Everything you need to know about EMDR is (here), just in case you want to explore it more.
IFS Therapy
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. It’s also known as parts therapy. It’s highly effective and it’s great self-discovery and healing work. IFS forces us to use self-compassion, because without that component, we won’t get to know the various parts of ourselves and we certainly won’t heal any Exiles (traumatic memories). Having done my own IFS work as a self-therapy, I was so impressed with it, I wrote a total of seven articles on it. Four how-to articles and three heal-alongs sharing my own IFS examples. IFS can potentially be for everyone, but what’s the catch?
IFS is so weird, it’s downright woo. If you’re uncomfortable with getting weird, then you will reject all the weirdness that IFS has to offer. And hey, as someone who once thought EMDR was woo when I first began my healing journey, do you think I’d have been open to IFS, which is truly the weirdest therapy of all? Of course not. In fact, it wasn’t until four years into my healing that I was ready to embrace the IFS weirdness. (Here) is my introductory article on IFS, just in case you want to know how weird you need to get for this therapy.
Somatic Work
Somatic Work is body work. Trauma is stored in the body and so, somatic work helps us locate where it is and release it. It also helps us train our nervous system into understanding that it’s safe now. Because while we may know that what happened to us is in the past, our nervous system tends to be the last to get that memo. That’s why we have problems with our flashbacks, trauma responses, and even our cognitive distortions. There’s a vast array of somatic therapies and so, there is something for everyone. The catch is finding the right one for you. Yoga and Vagus Nerve exercises are the most popular but don’t be afraid to explore any kind of body work.
My martial arts example is also somatic work. Why did it take me a year to find the right tools for my flashbacks? Because it took me that long to explore myself and my trauma. But most importantly, I learned how to be present for my trauma so that I can give it what it wants. Each time we exercise, we have the potential to contradict or master how we felt in the original trauma. It’s using our bodies to “complete” the unfinished business the trauma has left us holding. (Here) is an article that may help you use exercise as a self-therapy.
Art Therapy
Art therapy and creativity in general have amazing healing powers. It doesn’t even feel like we are doing any healing work because it’s fun. But creativity is the fastest means of breaking barriers. It’s great for practicing patience, self-care, and recovering from mistakes. But if your creativity is blocked then you may need to unlock yours before you can benefit from this sort of therapy. I can once again use myself as an example. Art therapy wasn’t my thing until I did IFS work and it unlocked my inner artist. Now I paint canvases and my skill continually improves because it has made me more open to using patience and working through my mistakes to create beautiful pieces. Whereas before, art therapy was right tool, wrong time. Now it’s one more thing I get to add to my arsenal of growth tools.
Self-Discovery & Self-Reflection Tools
Exploring ourselves is top priority in all healing work. Self-reflection helps us develop an understanding that we are not as fatally flawed as our programming has led us into believing. It also helps us detect patterns both within ourselves and in others. And then we learn how to set realistic goals without dragging ourselves into the vicious cycle of self-improvement thinking. Just check out this video (here) on Instagram. Dr. Chris Duquette is talking about New Year’s resolutions and why we should have New Year’s reflections instead. She packs a lot of valuable insights into a video that’s less than one minute long. And everything she says on New Year’s reflections also applies to life itself. Because self-discovery and self-reflection will always be key to our growth and successfully meeting our goals.
Journaling
So, how do we develop this when we don’t fully understand ourselves just yet? Well, for one thing, a lot has been said about journaling. It helps us process our day and reflect on ourselves. But in some cases, even journaling can feel like the right tool at the wrong time. This was me at the start of my healing. Since my borderline mother read my diary at age thirteen, I was unable to write about myself due to the emotional flashbacks that would ensue. Then I discovered bullet journaling and it led me into creating my own formula.
My Reflections x3 Bullet Journaling has been my favorite tool for self-discovery and growth. I also use it to this very day. But the drawback is that it requires setting a daily intention to reflect on your day. Then reflecting on your week (reflections x1) and then month (reflections x2) and then 90 days (reflections x3). It takes time and work. If you don’t have that sort of time or if you just don’t have the energy for it, then that isn’t a good fit for you either. But just in case it might lead you to find the right tools at the right time, (here) is the how-to link.
Cognition Sheet
The cognition sheet was originally designed for EMDR and the concept behind it is brilliant. What happens in an emotional flashback? We experience emotional overwhelm and it tends to drown out our thoughts and feelings. The cognition sheet gives us context for those thoughts and beliefs behind our feelings. This is how we understand ourselves and our patterns from a single sheet of paper (or a digital copy on your phone). Reflect on the events of the day and using the cognition sheet, try and locate the thoughts you had in each event. Obviously, the more we use it, the more we grow and the sooner we break free of our cognitive distortions and improve our quality of life. Just in case this may lead you to find the right tools in your self-reflection work, the article on the various ways we can use it in our healing is (here).
Find the Right Tools by Creating Your Own!
As we get to know ourselves better, we will learn what works and what doesn’t work for us. It’s okay to “borrow” from other resources and mix it up to make it more suitable for our unique needs. Because as we heal, we become more open to other tools. And we find more of the right tools at the right time. Below is one more example.
Also a reminder that we have two master toolboxes on the main menu of this site. Master Toolbox 1 addresses tools for the ongoing problems we tend to have. Tools for managing differing problems up to skill builders and resources are available.
Master Toolbox 2 addresses tools for working through the biological science behind our problems. And there are multiple options for each problem. So, there is something for everyone.