My Polarized Parts: An IFS Heal-Along with Jaena

This is a companion article to this week’s topic in our IFS therapy series. That article is on Polarized Parts, what they are and how you can mediate your own. Now I’m sharing the work I’ve done with my own Polarized Parts. From how I discovered them, to how I got to know them, to how I began healing their relationship. If you recall in the article for mediating your own parts, healing the Exile they are guarding is one way to get both parts to relax. However, in my case, healing the Exile they are guarding wasn’t an option.

That’s because there is a third Protector behind my Polarized Parts guarding the same Exile. Her name is Alex, a sixteen-year-old Firefighter. You will meet her in the story’s middle and understand why she still won’t allow me access to that Exile. It’s also an opportunity to show you the sort of dialogue to expect when meeting one of your Firefighters. What’s a Firefighter part? Your fight-or-flight response. They tend to be overprotective of the Exile they’re guarding, like a mama bear on crack. Just in case you need a refresher, here is a link to my introductory article on IFS, which lists all the various types of parts and basic IFS rules.

So, first, an introduction to our main characters Parts with a small quote from this week’s topic and its link:

Another example is my own: my Freeze Response versus my over-active Flight Response. Their names are Distractor and Live-Wire. Distractor wants to withdraw and daydream, while Live-Wire wants action. Live-Wire fuels my whole system with anxiety and guilt because it despises Distractor’s idleness. Distractor tends to give up for a while, only to come back later and the fight starts up again.

Polarized Parts: How to Mediate Fighting Parts in IFS

The above link will include links on how to heal the Exile and how to create a biography sheet and open up dialogue with 16 questions. Just in case this is the first article in my IFS series you are reading. In which case, I’m sure you have plenty of questions.

Meeting My Polarized Parts

I had no idea I had a set of polarized parts until I got annoyed one day by a tendency to daydream while trying to work. That’s when I met Distractor, a ghost-like little boy. After creating a biography sheet, I opened the dialogue with him. He fears missing out on “fun life”. Being an Avoidant Part, he answered only the first four questions before flitting away.

Then he showed me images of chronic daydreaming followed by the memory of when I was group bullied in third grade P.E. class. That’s when I realized he was guarding that Exile memory. And so, I asked him if daydreaming was his way of protecting us from feeling inadequate (how the bullies made me feel in that memory). He came back and said, “I help you pretend because real life is bad,” and flitted away once again.

It was while attempting to cater to Distractor with computer games (Freeze type entertainment) that I was overwhelmed by a surge of energy. My shoulders, neck and jaw tensed up. So did my feet and ankles. I felt restless and panicky that I was running out of time because I was wasting my time (with Distractor). And that’s how I met my over-active flight response, Live-Wire – another little boy!

Even his dialogue was opposite of Distractor’s. Live-Wire happily answered all 16 questions. I was chuckling to myself as I got to know this swashbuckling, larger-than-life personality. But Live-Wire was also stuck on the term important. “I make things go really fast in here, so you move. Important people do stuff. We can’t relax until we’re important. I fight Distractor a lot because he doesn’t do anything. I want to show everyone that we’re special too and there’s lots of cool stuff we can do.”

Mediating My Polarized Parts, Phase 1

I needed a few days to process the shock. How could this be that the extreme energy I’ve had my whole life has been powered by a little boy? And then it slowly made sense. It’s why I gravitate towards the children at every gathering and children love it when I play with them because our energies match. Live-Wire blends with me on these occasions. And every time I accomplish something, my first instinct is to talk about it with childlike excitement and optimism. Also my impatience whenever I’m behind a slow walker. It’s Live-Wire who is blending with me. My whole system is energized each day by this little boy with a thirst to prove himself, and he doesn’t want anyone getting in his way.

Then I confided to my close friend with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) who is my IFS mentor. I told her everything I discovered about my Polarized Parts, including the Exile memory that at least one of them is guarding. Her insights blew my mind. When children feel unloved and unvalued, they will either shut down (Distractor) or show off (Live-Wire). And that was why I had two child parts acting as Protectors. So, now it was time for a mediation.

As I explained in our main topic article, this was the result of my phase 1.

Sharing My IFS Discovery with the Wrong Person…

The person I shared my third grade P.E. story with is still in my life today. So, I will call this one Person (pronouns included) because Person has been my rock in all of my healing work. Person has validated every one of my traumas…except for my third grade P.E. story. Whatever the reason, our initial conversation about this was what led me to discover my Firefighter, Alex. So, now that I have established my disclaimers, here’s what went down.

After explaining to Person the great discovery with my Polarized Parts, I excitedly announced that I was going to ask permission to examine that Exile. That’s when I told Person what happened in third grade P.E. class.

And just a little side note, just in case I haven’t mentioned this in my IFS series of articles. Recalling the memory is not the same as Witnessing the Exile’s pain. Sure, it will show us the traumatic memory. But when we Witness the Exile’s pain, it will also show us the feelings, thoughts, and how the experience left a lasting imprint on it.

The Memory

Third grade P.E. class, we were divided into teams to play a game of ball. I wasn’t as fast or as coordinated as the other kids but I didn’t worry about that because I thought we were all here to have fun. But the kids on my team got so swept up in the competition that they started blaming me for losing a game that didn’t even come with a trophy. They were screaming and hurling insults at me for not catching the ball. I was trying but I wasn’t fast enough. Over half of the kids that were screaming at me were my friends. Watching them turn on me over something like this broke my heart. One kid even cussed me. But the worst was yet to come.

Towards the end of P.E. class, the coach had us run to a certain line on the field, turn and do five jumping jacks, and then run back. We were to form three lines, and it was the next kid’s turn when the one before them ran back and slapped their outstretched hand. By this point, I was withdrawn from everyone and trying not to cry. So, I was the last in line. By the time it was my turn to run, I was crying. This impeded my speed all the more. By the time I reached the line to turn and do my five jumping jacks, I was the only one there. Everyone else had already returned. I felt ridiculous out there all by myself. That made me cry harder.

Person Invalidates the Memory and We Both Meet Alex

Me: No wonder every time I feel like I’m falling behind, I get that image of me doing jumping jacks all by myself and crying my head off. It was a traumatic memory this whole time. I just didn’t realize it until I broke through my alexithymia.

Person: Well, you know, when you’re playing sports, people on the team will tell you what you’re doing wrong so that you can be a better athlete.

Me: Huh? I know how constructive criticism works but that’s not what the kids were doing. Besides, where was the coach while all these kids were screaming at me? It took me making a beeline to her after my stupid jumping jacks to tell her what had been going on through the whole class. The look on her face, like Oh my God, I had no idea! What did she think was happening while those kids were screaming at me?

Person: Sports are loud, and everyone has to yell to be heard.

Me: Okay, again, I know the difference between screaming in my face and raising their voice because it’s the only way someone can hear them. A whole group of kids were screaming and blaming me for our team losing a pointless game. And even when we returned to our third-grade teacher, our coach told her what happened, and I told her what happened. But to the best of my knowledge, nothing was ever done about it. Because it happened again, and it kept happening until I started faking sick on P.E. days. This is exactly why I always say P.E. should be outlawed. School is for learning. Sports are moron activities…

(It suddenly dawns on me that I’ve been raising my voice.)

Me: I think I’m blending with a Firefighter!

You know it’s a Firefighter if…

I went straight to my office. How could I not have seen it before? Behind my Polarized Parts, I had an even stronger part guarding that Exile. I couldn’t wait to get to know my first Firefighter. I created her biography sheet, did a quick meditation so that I was in Self, and then opened the dialogue. Check out her rage and that sailor tongue!

Self: What do you feel?

Alex: P***** off! I want to make those kids suffer. And I want to hold the teachers accountable. B**** slap them.

Self: What are you concerned about?

Alex: That poor baby got ganged up on and nobody gave a F***. I’ll do everything in my power to ensure nobody comes at her and gets away with that S*** again!

Self: What is your role and what do you do to perform it?

Alex: I’m a force to be reckoned with. If anyone suggests I participate in a ballgame, they see my face and tone of voice. I will shut them down and tell them where to stick it if they dare push. I protect that baby because no one protected her.

Self: What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role?

Alex: I already told you. Protect her. She’s hurting and she can’t defend herself.

Self: That question made you pause and consider the present. Your response has lowered venom, like you’re reading an old script that’s stripped of emotion.

Alex: It just occurred to me how many years have passed, and circumstances have changed. Look she deserves validation and protection alright? She never got that.

So close…yet so far away

Did you see how close she was to letting me examine the Exile? Her last response to me was practically granting permission. She just needed that final assurance. Alas! Our dialogue ended abruptly because Person was still around and it was at that point, Person decided to enter my office and pick up our conversation right where we had left it. More invalidation and more speeches defending the bullies of a memory that Person was never even a part of. That’s when I got the perfect image of Alex with her raven hair and thin mouth set for defiance. She looked at me and gave me “the finger”.

Alex is an all-or-nothing thinker. Everyone validates my third-grade experience or no one will come near her Exile. And until Person apologizes and fully validates without making excuses for everyone else, Alex will continue to guard that Exile and attack anyone who suggests she play sports. After a roaring fight that spanned two days, Person and I agreed to never discuss my third-grade experience again. This is a lesson that we should always use care when confiding a painful memory. Even our strongest supporters can have a blind spot.

When You Can’t Heal the Exile…

Fortunately, there was a second option for resolving the conflict between my Polarized Parts. My IFS mentor suggested I work with Live-Wire because he was stuck on being important. She said he needs to understand that he is already important. However, at the time I had no idea how to feel like I was good enough. So, how could I teach it to Live-Wire? I chose to work with Distractor because he seemed to be the first part that developed from my third-grade experience. I remember freezing in P.E. class all the way through high school and I was that kid who would ease out of the way if a ball came near me. No effort to even touch the ball. I was inadequate and I had given up, no longer caring who was mad at me.

This proves that there’s no such thing as choosing the wrong Polarized Part. Once one makes progress, the other will become less extreme. So, I bought a pocket-size notebook and kept it next to my desk. I called it Distractor’s Daydream Book. Whenever a daydream hit while it was Live-Wire’s time, I made a single line notation on what the daydream was. Then I promised Distractor that we would review those daydreams when it was his time. It worked! My focus improved and I zipped along with my work in a timely manner. But it didn’t take me long to notice a pattern in his daydreams. They were all social success daydreams, but on an extreme level. Being applauded for sharing his knowledge, impressing everyone, people hanging on to his every word while sharing a story.

Distractor wanted to be important too. But instead of actively pursuing it like Live-Wire, he believed he could only get what he wanted in daydreams.

Building Confidence by Accepting Reality

My Polarized Parts were almost ready for mediation, phase 2. Having Live-Wire time and Distractor time was working well. Distractor had his daydream notebook so that he wouldn’t interfere with Live-Wire’s time. And in addition to regular kickboxing practice on my home punching bag, I joined a dojo. That way, Live-Wire could spend his extra energy without interfering with Distractor’s time. I just needed to help Distractor build his confidence.

Real life is always drab when compared to a child’s imagination. So, I worked with him on understanding how he could make his daydreams come true in the real-life world. We aren’t likely to be applauded anytime soon, but people tend to quietly appreciate certain things we do. I made a point of remembering each positive encounter and then checking in with Distractor.

The inner-dialogue would go something like this. “Oh look, that person likes you and so does that person. This person came to you for advice and did you hear them thank you? We made this daydream come true in real-life world just the other day. Don’t you remember how you made that person smile? No, you won’t get an award for it but you did make a positive impact on someone.”

Distractor was learning to believe in himself and see the possibilities real life had to offer him. That was progress and that meant we were finally ready for phase 2.

Remember, when working with a Polarized Part, we don’t have to heal it. I’m still working with Distractor’s confidence, as a matter of fact. We only have to make enough progress so that the other Polarized Part will see it and be less extreme. And that’s just what happened in my case.

Mediating My Polarized Parts, Phase 2

Check out the harmony. The moment Live-Wire learned that Distractor wants to become a legend too, and that Distractor had been working on his confidence, respect was easy for Live-Wire. And notice how Live-Wire was open to Distractor’s wisdom. Live-Wire, who has always worried about wasting time while pursuing his dreams realized that when we spend all our time living for the future, we run out of time enjoying the present. But that’s the unique wisdom that all Freeze Types can offer us when they do their healing work. Slow down and appreciate the moment.

Three Parts Developed From One Traumatic Memory

I find it interesting how I met these parts in the same order they developed. First was Distractor who shut down. Next came Live-Wire with his thirst to “show them all”. Though I know there’s more to Live-Wire than this single traumatic memory. He is after all the little boy responsible for energizing my whole system. Next came Alex and of course she’s sixteen. That’s how old I was when I finally earned enough P.E. credits to graduate and I never had to take it again. I was determined that no one would ever force me to play sports again. At least not the sort that involved a ball. I do love running and martial arts.

But there’s something important I want to leave you with. My traumatic memory is one of those “part of life” traumas. Death of a loved one and a relationship breakup are a “part of life” and so is schoolyard bullying. “Kids will be kids,” they say, as if the experience doesn’t count as trauma. No wonder I invalidated this experience until my IFS forced me to accept this for the major trauma it was. But that’s the beauty of IFS therapy. It forces us to validate our painful experiences. But it also helps us heal those hurt parts of ourselves.