Parental Alienation: Daughter of a Repeat Offender Speaks Out

Parental alienation is when one parent intentionally manipulates their child against their other parent. It’s most common in “high-conflict” custody battles. (High-conflict divorce, by the way, is courtroom code for divorcing a Cluster B disorder – Trauma Glossary 1.) Petty vengeance is usually the motive. So is jealousy. It’s as though the “high conflict” parent is saying to the other, “I’ll show you for not loving me anymore. I’m going to use our child to hurt you.”

Then, there are those who take parental alienation to the next level by, shall we say, moving without a forwarding address. We know this as ghosting, except for the “high conflict” parent takes the kids with them when they disappear. But that’s kidnapping! we say, and yes, it is. But incredibly, it isn’t always prosecutable. This is what I learned from one of my group members who is sharing her story with us today. Her name is Kelley McCord, and her mother has borderline personality disorder (Trauma Glossary 1). Kelley’s mother is well-seasoned in the art of parental alienation, as in her lifetime, she has committed this not once, not twice, but three times!

Just a couple more things need establishing before we begin. I let all interviewees choose their anonymous name. However, Kelley McCord is a Fight Type. So, it should come as no surprise that she has chosen to use her real name. As she put it, “F*** her! Let her [Kelley’s mother] see that I know what she did.” The other thing is, many of my group members who had abusive mothers have chosen to nickname those mothers something else, instead. Kelley is no exception, as she has nicknamed hers “egg donor.” So, when you see that term used (often), you now know she is referring to her BPD mother.

Parental Alienation of Kelley’s Biological Father

Kelley McCord: My biological parents divorced when I was about four. My dad had every other weekend visits. One day he came to pick us up, the house was sold and everything was gone. Egg donor moved us into this roach apartment that had shootings pretty often. So, she vanished. Same state, different county. Maybe a couple hours away at most. But they had no judge ordered custody. So, my dad didn’t get anywhere with the courts.

Jaena: How many lies did she tell you over the years to justify hiding you and your brother from your father?

Kelley McCord: Oh god, any time he was brought up there was a lie. Was told all our lives he abandoned us, didn’t want us, etc. He was an abusive alcoholic. The most recent lie is how he has schizophrenia! He never wanted kids (we were planned!). How she had to escape with us. So, if he ever finds us, we needed to run away and call the cops because he was dangerous. How he wouldn’t pay child support. (She never filed for it. She needed to keep the victim status.)

I remember around age ten I was crying because I wanted my dad in my life. She got livid, yelled at me along the lines of “After all I’ve done for you. You don’t appreciate anything.” And she left. For days. Then when she came back, she acted like nothing happened.

Jaena: As a child of a borderline, myself, I’m all too familiar with BPD splitting. It’s like flipping a switch. That’s how rapidly their moods shift. Then, once they calm down, they fully expect their victims to just go along with their calm state. And don’t even think about bringing up any lingering hurt you have from their latest episode!

Context Time: Who is “us?” (Kelley’s siblings)

Kelley McCord: So, I have/had 2 brothers: “Mini-Me” and Jimmy. (You can use Jimmy’s name since he’s deceased, and he’d probably want his name in here, LOL!)

Jaena: A little side note to my readers. Kelley’s choice for calling one of her brothers Mini-Me is in reference to my article on The 6 Assigned Roles in Family Dysfunction. The Mini-Me is the Golden Child gone terribly wrong, because not every Golden Child will turn on their siblings. However, the Mini-Me (who typically turns out just like the disordered parent) will.

Kelley McCord: Jimmy was from my egg donor’s first marriage when she was around seventeen. She had Jimmy to try and keep his dad with her. They ended up divorced within a few years. Then egg donor met my biological dad and got married. They eventually had Mini-Me and me. Jimmy and I were ten years apart, Mini-Me is two and a half years older than me.

22 – 4 = 18 Years Alienated From Her Father

Jaena: When did you finally see your father again?

Kelley McCord: Probably around twenty-two? Boy was egg donor pissed! She wanted to be the only one I’d have a natural bond to.

Jaena: Ha! By demanding her children appreciate her for having alienated them from their father and then expecting them to go along with her splitting and child neglect? I don’t mean to play Captain Obvious here, but that isn’t the world’s brightest strategy for achieving her goal.

Kelley McCord: When I told her I found him, started writing letters, and was giving the info to Mini-Me, she was furious. But she was clinging because I had already moved out and at that time, I was the only kid talking to her.

Jaena: Oh? How ironic then, that she who committed parental alienation ended up alienating herself. What about Jimmy’s father? Did she alienate him, too?

Kelley McCord: Ohhh!

Parental Alienation: Take One…and a Half?

Kelley McCord: Yeah she tried hiding Jimmy [post divorce] as a toddler I think? Moved to Oregon.

Jaena: Oh, and he found her?

Kelley McCord: Yep! I suspect Egg donor’s mom told Jimmy’s dad where she was. She [Kelley’s grandmother] always preferred Jimmy’s dad.

Jaena: Wow, what a shame your grandmother didn’t tell your dad when she did the same with you and Mini-Me.

Kelley McCord: My dad hated her, LOL! My grandmother was really evil too.

Jaena: So, Jimmy’s dad basically threatened the law on Egg Donor?

Kelley McCord: Oh absolutely!

Jaena: And Jimmy had a good relationship with his dad and saw him regularly?

Kelley McCord: Yep! I’m not sure what the custody arrangement was but he saw Jimmy a ton. Helped him get into construction too. But Jimmy’s dad made good money and egg donor knew she’d never be able to fight him in court.

A Special Kind of Hell for the Spouse of the Disordered

Jaena: So, Egg donor maintained custody of Jimmy when your father entered her life?

Kelley McCord: Yes! My dad raised Jimmy since he was about three years old until she decided one day ten years later he needed to go live with his dad. My dad was so upset. He considered Jimmy his son too. Egg donor often reminded him “That’s not your son” through their marriage.

Jaena: So, doing a little math here, does this mean that you were about three when Egg donor decided that Jimmy should live with his biological dad? (That would be just one year before their divorce?)

Kelley McCord: Just about, yep! My dad said their divorce was like six months to a year later.

Jaena: You know, statistically speaking, when people file for a divorce it’s because problems have built up for about that long. Six months to a year. I’m only pointing out that the timing of when she chose to alienate Jimmy from a stepfather who loved him is…well, interesting.

Kelley McCord: Oh! And my dad told me how he found out she filed for divorce. He was looking in the paper for a new job. And next to those ads were legal notices. There was a legal notice that they were getting divorced! He came home, played dumb, so did she. Then he showed her the paper and was like, what is this? She ran off to their bedroom crying and refused to talk about it.

Jaena: I have to say, this is some bizarre foreshadowing on what happens next in your story. It’s like her modus operandum was set from these early experiences. Not just the parental alienation she successfully committed against your father, but also, what she would do to your stepfather.

Conning Her Next Victim (Kelley’s Stepfather)

Just a slight interlude for a moment, because you’ve met Kelley before (albeit anonymously) a couple months back in my article series on how to spot abused children and abusive parents. With her permission, and because it’s relevant, I’m quoting what she shared. (As if the use of “egg donor” wasn’t a dead giveaway.)

3. “I Thought The Kids Were Just Spoiled.”

“Egg donor was ALWAYS in credit card debt trying to show off she had money. Yet grocery store trips were at most once a month. Food was often scarce by week 2. Friends thought I was so lucky! Then I’d see how their parents actually liked them and I was so envious. But at 7, 10, 15, how do you begin to gather your thoughts to even explain the torment?”

“But I Thought Their Parents Were Just…” How to Question What We See

Kelley McCord: She was also in credit card debt because she’d buy clothes from Ann Loft. (I think that’s the name?) And expensive makeup and s***. So, my stepdad was seriously dating egg donor when I was 10 or 11 and then they got married. Obviously in the beginning I was just like, You’re an idiot, how do you not see that she’s a liar? He of course thought we were spoiled because of all the lies she said.

I don’t remember a defining moment when he started to grow on me. It was like a year or two later. She was kind of becoming herself. He was realizing that everything that she was saying wasn’t true and I wasn’t a spoiled brat and all that stuff.

5. “They Will Send You to an Even Worse Home”

“My egg donor would randomly throw in the threat. If we ever told anyone what was going on behind closed doors, they’d take us away. We’d never see her or any family again, we would never see each other again, and we’d probably go into homes worse than how we had it. ‘So don’t let anyone know about the pills in my closet’ was reminded often.”

“Why Didn’t They Tell?” 5 Reasons Abused Children Stay Silent

Jaena: So, how did she get these pills?

Kelley McCord: She was a nurse and she worked at a convalescent home. So, the doctor would take a patient off a pill for whatever reason, and it was the nurse’s job to destroy them. And if she wanted it then she would just take it home with her. She worked night shift. So, she was the only nurse on duty all night and it was just easier to hide them in her purse or whatever she used to do.

As the Mask Slips

Jaena: How did she hide or excuse all this to your stepfather?

Kelley McCord: When they were dating, she switched to day shift. And up until maybe six months after they got married, she was cooking all the time. (She actually bought cookbooks!) She was doing laundry and was home a lot. He seriously thought that’s how life was. Well, he quickly learned that wasn’t her.

Before he moved in, she also used to have jugs of wine in her closet floor. She got rid of those and then hid the pills behind towels when he moved in. They were in the linen closet in the master room/bathroom area. Then when she trapped him, the pills slowly came out. Within a year, she went back to night shift. So, working opposite shifts, he didn’t see a lot of the active pill taking.

Jaena: And what did he say to her slow unmasking (Trauma Glossary 1)?

Kelley McCord: She’d make excuses, he’d get mad at her, but when she felt he was being pushed too far, she’d hide them again. He probably thought she had a few prescriptions but no idea 90% were stolen and she was taking so many. They separated like, I don’t know, three times? But only for a month or two. I’m sure she promised to change because when he’d come back, she’d start cooking again and doing all the wifey things. Then she’d go back to being a crazy b****.

Kelley and Stepfather Bond

Jaena: So, through their marriage drama, you came to trust him?

Kelley McCord: It was little things, like he’d help me with homework if needed, or would drive me to friends’ houses, etc. He’d go to the grocery store and ask me what I wanted. Nothing egg donor would waste her time with.

I was always really into cooking when I was a teen because I had to feed myself, but I got creative and found it so much fun. So, I’d ask my stepdad whenever I was cooking if he wanted some too. He’d always say yes. So, it became a thing. I’d make us dinner and some leftovers. Well, egg donor used to get pissed when he’d like my food.

There were a few nights, he just wanted to go out to eat, because, you know, egg donor worked nights. And he would ask me if I wanted to go. It’s really sad thinking back on it, but that was a defining moment. Nobody had ever asked me that. Egg donor certainly didn’t. She would just go off and eat and then come home. And she would be like “Oh well, you do you.” So, those kinds of things I remember.

For my sweet 16, they asked me what kind of party I wanted. I said I just wanted to go horseback riding and didn’t want a party. (I’d been into horses forever and rode in competitions.) He booked a weekend at Circle Bar B Ranch in my hometown. It’s a famous fancy stable that also has a dining hall, nice hotel rooms, etc. up in the mountains. He hated horses but he went riding with me and made sure I had a lot of fun. So, that kind of all solidified he was a good guy.

Parental Alienation of Kelley’s Stepfather: Part 1, The Mystery

Jaena: So, we are going to make a slight jump in your story’s timeline for a moment. First, from your mother’s patterns, she seemed to choose very good men as partners, only to lose them by her poor behavior. Then she took it a step further by punishing them via parental alienation. Your stepfather was yet another casualty.

Kelley McCord: They separated for the last time when I was probably 19 or 20. Still legally married. (Egg donor refused to sign the divorce papers.) He would check in on me via text here and there, have dinner like, once a month, that sort of thing. Very sweet of him. Then out of nowhere all communication stopped. He stopped replying to texts too. I was like, WTF? I ran into him downtown and it was awkward, and I said, “Hey where have you been?” He didn’t say much other than “Your mom doesn’t want me talking to you,” and he kind of left it at that.

And then he passed away nine months to a year later. So, it wasn’t like something I could have ever really asked about. I was like, whatever, he’s didn’t care like everyone else. Well, years later, right after my brother Jimmy died, I found out why.

Jaena: What was the cause of your stepfather’s death?

Kelley McCord: Cancer, which I blame egg donor for. No family history. Never smoked, didn’t go in the sun all day. But it was during their final separation where out of nowhere he got cancer.

Jaena: Despite all the enabling the internet gaslighters are promoting, “high conflict” relationships overwork the stress hormones. The longer they are overworked, the more at risk the immune system and psychological erosion. (To my readers: Expect a follow-up article on this in the future.)

Reconnecting with Her Biological Grandparents

It Starts with a Road Trip to San Diego

Kelley McCord: Okay so, I was maybe 17 or something. She had kicked out Mini-Me a year prior and my stepdad was separated from her. [This was not their final separation.] So, one day she asks me if I wanted to take a weekend and go to San Diego with her and we’d visit the zoo. Well, uh yeah! Sounded like fun! She got a hotel and said we were all set, so off we went.

First night I noticed she was always on her phone, anytime I was in the shower or something she was having secret calls. It was weird but whatever. Then she asks if I want to go to this cool restaurant for dinner. Sure! So, we get there, order some appetizers. Then some dude shows up! They act like they semi knew each other, and she introduces him to me. SHE MET HIM ONLINE! The whole point of the trip was to meet him! It wasn’t about us having a nice trip to San Diego, it was an excuse to go meet some dude.

Jaena: Sounds like a real…shall we say, “Tinder” moment.

Kelley McCord: So, I’m like WTF? Dinner is over, we go back to the hotel. Then that night she’s all “I’m going to go make a call.” And I kid you not, she’s gone for hours. Guarantee, he picked her up and who knows what they did. I just went to bed and when I woke up she was there. I don’t even remember if we went to the zoo.

Oh, by the way, Your Grandparents Live Around Here

Kelley McCord: But on the way down to San Diego, we drive through LA, and she goes, “I think your grandparents lived over here somewhere.” So, I ask if she can try to find the house. She finds it! After twenty-plus years she knew where the f****** house was. Nobody was home, so I left a letter in their mailbox asking if they still lived there, here was my number. So, while we’re in the hotel they call! They still live there and want to meet me.

On the way back home, we stop by, and she knows better than to show her face. So, she drops me off and has me call her when I want to be picked up. I visit with them, and they’re like, “Oh my god, we’ve always wanted to see you, talk to you. We didn’t know where you went.” So, it was a good visit.

They invite egg donor inside once they realize she’s basically around the corner having coffee. My grandpa offers to pay for my college education! She goes “No, I’ve been saving for her college.” Mind you, she was never good with money, but I was like, yay she’s going to help me! My grandparents had tons of money and they could have helped too, but she wanted to appear well off per usual.

“I eventually dropped out, but I had to go to school part time instead of full time.”

Kelley McCord: Fast forward a couple of years later and I’m starting college. I told her the books were going to be around $400 and asked when she could pay for them. She legit told me she couldn’t afford it and I’d need to pay for everything myself. I asked what happened to her story about saving up for my college. She goes, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I eventually dropped out, but I had to go to school part time instead of full time.

Jaena: I find it so bizarre that, after years of parental alienation, she so casually gave you that opportunity to reconnect with them. And it was all because she wanted to meet “Dude from online.”

Kelley McCord: Right? It was so weird she even mentioned them, let alone honestly found the house and let me leave a note. Funny thing is, I never heard about him (online dude) again. But our whole childhood, my grandparents were two hours away in LA. Absolutely ridiculous. Years later even my dad said, “She could have just dropped you guys off and went to live her life, but she was too selfish to do that.”

Jaena: Of course, because she was using you guys to hurt him. So, allowing you to live with him wasn’t an option. Classic parental alienation!

Kelley McCord: Absolutely! All while complaining she never got any help.

Jaena: Why didn’t you ask your grandparents for help with your tuition?

Kelley McCord: I felt like I showed up out of nowhere and suddenly was asking for money, when that’s not why I wanted to see them again. If that makes sense? Plus it was instilled in me that if someone gives you something, you’re now indebted to them and it made me feel incredibly weird.

Jaena: Oh wow! I relate to that programming all too well. I call mine the “checks and balances” mentality. Loan me a dollar, I somehow owe you my life in return. LOL! It’s a real pain in you-know-what to rewire those circuits.

Kelley McCord: I had a feeling you would understand! I actually told my dad that when I saw him last. He felt so bad. He was like, “God, my dad would have helped you in any way possible.” And how he wishes he could have helped me back then.

Jaena: Ah! Speaking of your father, how did you reconnect with him after finally meeting your grandparents again?

Kelley McCord: I honestly don’t remember why I didn’t ask my grandparents for his info. But I went searching online after my stepdad died (My stepdad died Christmas eve when I was 21.) and finally found him.

Jaena: Finally reunited after eighteen years of parental alienation.

Kelley McCord: Then a few years later, I lost my grandparents. I want to say my grandpa went first, then my grandma (She was living in an Alzheimer’s home.), like two years later? But that’s how I learned they created a trust fund. I was maybe 24?

“When egg donor found out there was a trust fund…she asked, ‘How much am I getting?'”

Kelley McCord: Egg donor had always been very “He owes you guys money.” and I was always like, nobody owes me money.

Jaena: She owed him visits with his kids and watching you two grow up. He could have been in your lives the whole time and helping you. Yet by her committing parental alienation, he owes money for this? WOW!

Kelley McCord: When she found out there was a trust fund, I got back from LA, and she showed up at my house asking about the trust. She asked, “How much am I getting?” I said, You’re not in the trust. She got in her car all mad and left.

Jaena: After basically kidnapping the kids, she had the audacity to think she should get something. Unbelievable. Never mind how she used parental alienation to achieve her “I raised them without your help” status.

Kelley McCord: She has always felt people owed her something.

Jaena: You know what? This is just one more example that flies in the face of what the internet gaslighters and the so-called “trained professionals” are saying. There is NO overlap between Complex-PTSD and BPD. We instead have opposite commonalities. The parent who believes everyone owes them something end up programming their children into believing that they are the ones who owe everyone else. “Who owes who” is the common denominator, but the perception is exactly opposite. The only exception of course is the Mini-Me, who does overlap with the Cluster B parent.

Kelley and Her Siblings

Jimmy, the oldest

Kelley McCord: Jimmy had this infectious laugh. If he was cracking up about something, everybody was laughing too. He was super funny, he was super sarcastic. He looked like a big biker guy but he was an overall nice guy. If he had it and he saw somebody needed something, he would just do it. He started working when he was 16 or 17, and was a really good, hard worker.

I was talking to my dad about Jimmy when I was at his house a few weeks ago. He said when Jimmy was little, if someone f***** with him or if he just didn’t like someone, he would go out of his way just to mess with them, like move stuff around or just be difficult in public. But even that was funny.

Mini-Me, the middle child

Kelley McCord: So, with Mini-me, God he was like a holy terror for so many years of my life growing up. He was kicked out at 17 so it was probably around age 16 where he was just like the devil in the house and my stepdad was not putting up with it. If he needed to be home by a certain time for whatever reason, he just wouldn’t f****** do it. Or asking him to do anything around the apartment, like Hey, do the dishes or take out the trash, he just refused to do it. If he borrowed any of their cars he’d bring it back with an empty tank of gas and it was just happening every day. So, my stepdad was getting so sick of it and egg donor was finally getting sick of it because stepdad was.

I just remember one day coming home and it was, “Hey, you know Mini-Me is leaving. He’ll be gone this weekend.” And I was thinking he’s leaving for a short time, but no. So, he packed all his s*** which wasn’t much, and he moved in with his friend who he’s known forever but doesn’t talk to anymore. When he turned 18 he went into the military and he just disappeared. He had my cell phone number, but he didn’t call me, didn’t text me. As soon as he left the house, he never even came by. So, for six-plus years, I had no idea where he was in the world. He didn’t communicate with anybody, except Jimmy.

Jimmy as the bridge between Kelley and Mini-Me

Kelley McCord: I was talking to Jimmy one day and he said, “Oh yeah, Mini-Me is hanging out here for the month he’s on leave.” So, we got in contact again. But we only ever came together because of Jimmy and for Jimmy. Even when we were at his house together, Mini-Me and I wouldn’t really talk other than “Hey, how’s it going?” And what was weird now that I think about it, it’s like Jimmy understood we were never going to be, or meant to be friends. Again, it was so normal for me and Mini-Me to have nothing to talk about. There was no desire to really know each other.

Jaena: So, at this point, both Jimmy and Mini-Me had gone no contact with Egg Donor?

Kelley McCord: Yeah, but I was still a part of her life. I was kind of cutting her out too. And then Jimmy died.

The Bridge Collapses: Jimmy’s Death

Kelley McCord: I was 28 maybe 29 when I got a phone call that Jimmy’s dead. A tooth infection is what killed him unfortunately.

Jaena: I’ve heard of this. It starts with a toothache, and if left untreated, it can contaminate the bloodstream. And when that happens, it’s fatal.

Kelley McCord: So, we all met at Jimmy’s house and I was just covered in tears. Jimmy’s dad was there and his other two siblings, and they were hugging and comforting each other. Egg donor and Mini-Me were there too. I ran up to Mini-Me and I hugged him, and it was like hugging like a complete stranger. Not the warm embrace that I would have expected, given that he and Jimmy were like, the best of friends.

So, we were all up there together for three days to handle everything. The whole time, egg donor and Mini-Me were already buddy-buddy and they acted like it was just another day!

Jaena: Whoa! Help me make sense of this. Mini-Me had been no contact with Egg Donor all this time. He had also been “best friends” with Jimmy. But as soon as Jimmy died, he no longer seemed to care about him. And he promptly attached himself to Egg Donor, the serial perpetrator of parental alienation, just like that?

Kelley McCord: Yes.

Jaena: Only in Borderland (Trauma Glossary 1) does this make sense. LOL!

Kelley McCord: Well, in just three days, she did a bunch of stuff that escalated quickly for me. And so I ended up calling her out on her s***. That’s when Mini-Me defended her. But what he said only confirmed how evil that woman had been the whole time.

Parental Alienation of Kelley’s Stepfather: Part 2, Mystery Solved

Kelley McCord: Mini-Me did what he always does. He makes these alluding kinds of statements, so that way later, when you call him out, he could be like, “Well, I never said that.” So, he starts alluding. He says, “You know she protected you.” And I was like, “What the hell are you talking about? Protecting me from what?”

Then he said, “Well you know, she felt that your relationship with our stepdad was getting really inappropriate.” I was like, “What??” because there was never a single moment in my entire life with him that was inappropriate. Then he said, “Yeah, that’s why you have your daddy issues.” And I was like, Okay you’re an idiot but I told him there was nothing ever inappropriate.

Then he said, “Yeah you know he used to take you out to dinner and you know, take you on dates.” And I said, “No, he would take me out for a meal, and that’s literally what it was. It was a meal, nothing else.” Then he said, “Well you know, you should really thank her.” That’s kind of when it hit me. Holy s***! She told her little flying monkeys that she kicked him out because he was inappropriate with me, when the reality was, he left because he was done with her B.S.

Jaena: That’s why he was awkward with you the last time you saw him and he said your mother didn’t want him around you anymore! She committed parental alienation by turning him into a social pariah.

Kelley McCord: When he got sick and died, he had a girlfriend and egg donor was livid. He was f****** moving on and she couldn’t handle it. So, she tells these lies and her flying monkeys help spread them.

Want More Kelley McCord?

She will be back next week to share yet another theme of her childhood. Believe it or not, there’s even more darkness that must be brought to light where her borderline mother is concerned. This story reads like a tale of the many different types of parental alienation. But just you wait until next week, when you find out how this repeat offender of parental alienation also made the death of Kelley’s brother all about her.