In my Frederick Douglass comic book, we were introduced to Poised Readiness and how it can resurrect us from soul death, itself. Poised Readiness acts as a bridge between Radical Acceptance and developing resiliency. It does so by reframing our thoughts against the vicious cycle of the “3” P’s, or procrastinating habits (covered in last week’s article).
Poised Readiness is a process of shrinking the inner critic by expanding the outer critic. Why would we want to expand the outer critic? This is because where soul death is concerned, we are being hijacked by the inner critic. In order to understand how this works, let’s take a look at soul death’s brain child, the shame spiral.
Just one note: Critic; Depersonalization; Learned Helplessness; Shame Spiral; Soul Death can all be found in Trauma Glossary 2.
Soul Death and its Ripple Effect
When we’re in a shame spiral, we are taking an event and using it to define ourselves in a negative way. A shame spiral can last hours or even days. Due to its intensity, it triggers a strong urge to both isolate and overcompensate, anything to escape the pain of our inner critic’s self-talk.
Soul death can be seen as the shame spiral on steroids with just a couple of distinctions. One is that the human mind is not equipped for the ongoing intensity of what we experience in a shame spiral. So it numbs over time (In my example, I depersonalized for a year at age 21). Then it develops into the inner critic directing our lives (“self-improvement” became my new identity).
Learned helplessness is typically the outcome of unresolved soul death. This is because once we’ve picked up the pieces the best we can, we are left with a “permanent” (until it’s resolved) hole in our identity. We remember the pain of our soul death and see “risks” of history repeating itself.
This is how unresolved soul death creates its ripple effect and ensnares us into the vicious cycle of procrastination. The more we feed this cycle the more inclined we are to “complete” the process of our childhood brainwashing (Trauma Glossary 1). Poised Readiness, on the other hand, reverse engineers this.
If you followed along in part 2 of that comic book, you know that how I resolved my second soul death (age 16) versus how I handled my last one (age 21), reads as a series of Do’s and Don’ts. With that said, I will include those meme styled excerpts as we break down the five steps of Poised Readiness.
5 Steps: The Vicious Cycle vs. Poised Readiness
Step 1: Do’s and Don’ts
Procrastinate: “I am less than what I want” (or) “The situation I’m in defines all of me.”
When the human mind is developed in trauma itself, we are predisposed to see ourselves as small and helpless. When unprocessed, it causes a ripple effect. Making our place in the world can seem just as hopeless as it was when having our childhood needs met. Setbacks and challenges feel like threats. This causes us to see the situation as a reflection of who we are. Whatever it was that happened or is happening, only occurred because we believe we are fatally flawed.
Poised Readiness: “It isn’t me; it’s the situation.”
Validation is crucial. In order to do so, we must separate our identity from the situation, obstacle or setback. In other words, set a clear boundary in our minds between our identity and the event, itself.
Step 2: Do’s and Don’ts
Procrastinate: “Self-improvement”
I cannot stress this enough. Self-improvement is the most detrimental self-talk that anyone in the CPTSD community can give themselves. Sure, we’ve heard people from the non-traumatized crowd go on quests for self-improvement and it seems to be working out for them. This is because what they really mean is self-development (often about something specific) and self-discovery. However, when our community goes on a quest for self-improvement, we mean this in the literal sense. In so doing, we are telling ourselves that everything about us is flawed. As long as we believe we’re flawed, no amount of “improvement” will ever feel like enough.
Poised Readiness: “I’m good enough now.”
Fully accept who you are in the moment. So what if you’re not perfect? None of us are. Once you validate you and separate your sense of self from whatever is currently going on in your life, accepting yourself for who you are becomes easier. No friend, you don’t have to have a strong identity. Just disentangling it from the current situation is enough.
Step 3: Do’s and Don’ts
Procrastinate: The vague language of “someday”
Here’s a fun fact. Did you know that the primary cause of the 3 P’s vicious cycle is long term goals with no specific “deadline” in place? Preparation coping mechanism develops out of believing in the False Prophet (Catastrophizing Trauma Glossary 2) too long. Always preparing for the proverbial opening night that never happens. False Prophet is a pathological liar, willing to make beautiful promises about your future like a carrot on a stick. All you have to do to appease it is keep feeding the 3P’s. If you even think about opening night, False Prophet will send you into a panic at once, convince you that you’re not ready “yet” but someday you will be.
Poised Readiness: Set date/time situation will end
Having a goal you can see on the horizon is the fastest and most effective way of breaking the vicious cycle of the 3 P’s. The sooner you practice meeting deadlines with your goals, the sooner you will become greater than the False Prophet. Having a fixed date for ending whatever unpleasant situation you’re in will drastically increase your resilience. You will discover your ability to endure the unpleasantness with a clearer mind, all because you have, as they say, “eye on the prize”.
Step 4: Do’s and Don’ts
Procrastinate: Negativity blocks Creativity
The longer we are stuck in a rut, feeding that hamster wheel of “earning” our right to love ourselves, “someday, when I’m good enough”, the more blocked we become. Our creativity is a reflection of our core selves and our ability to give it space. When chronic self-doubt is the driver, our attempts at creating come out choppy and poor.
My last soul death at age 21 is the perfect “case study” for seeing this in action. Prior to age 21, I had endless story ideas. However, past age 21, the ideas dried up permanently. Worse still, I spent over two decades of my life attempting to write fiction based on the old ideas that had long turned stale. Just to reiterate this point, have a second look at the disaster above. (Fortunately, it no longer looks this way: Just FYI.)
Poised Readiness: Blocked Negativity unlocks Creativity
Once we set that fixed end date for when the unpleasantness will end, our ability to endure the situation increases. This is because by giving the situation an expiration date, its power over us decreases dramatically. As it loses its power, our core selves develop more freedom of expression.
Age 16 me serving as a “case study”, I recovered from soul death by using my eighteenth birthday as my fixed end date. While yes, this is technically a long-term goal, I used my history as a reminder that I had survived sixteen years and I only had two left. I was still enduring abuse but in a way where my borderline mother could no longer penetrate my core.
Two major avenues of creativity were unlocked, and both happened immediately after I set the date for my freedom: I spent my last two years writing a screenplay (which sucked, by the way, but not the point!) that was a fictionalized version of my abusive home life. And, I got heavily into drama and theater. Anyone who has looked up “Bottom Up Therapies”, which are new and innovative treatments for trauma knows that drama therapy is among them. What do the two have in common? I was processing and healing my trauma while I was still enduring hell itself!
Step 5: Do’s and Don’ts
Procrastinate: No head space for setbacks = giving up
As our creativity is blocked, so is our ability to think outside the box. By feeding the vicious cycle of the 3 P’s, we continue to limit ourselves with an overcrowded head space. It leaves us with no room for knowing how to handle setbacks or even learning from our mistakes. When we don’t know how to handle them, it causes us to give up. This causes us to pop right back to the top of the funnel, where we once again believe that we are “less than” the reality. In so doing, it solidifies “confirmation” that we can’t. The more often this cycle repeats, the more negative “history” we have of ourselves to back up these false beliefs.
Poised Readiness: Acute awareness of options lead to Action
As creativity unlocks, it blocks the negativity from penetrating our core selves. When our core selves are freed, we are more acutely aware of what’s going on in the moment. This gives us the opportunity to notice options that we had never before noticed and ready ourselves for action.
Age sixteen, I became acutely aware that I was now taller than my abuser and also more fit. What was not mentioned in the comic book was that I had a secondary reason for standing up to my borderline mother. She was starting on my brother, who was only six years old by the time I experienced that intense stand-off with her at age 17. I will not divulge any further than that, however, because it’s my brother’s story; I was only his witness. My point is, someone in that house needed to stand up to her and that responsibility fell on me.
Notice that I was building my nerve and developing my courage. I didn’t “give up” just because I lost my nerve to take a stand in the moment. I did not use the vague language of “someday” I would take a stand. Instead, I told myself “Next time, I will take a stand.” I was being specific.
Why didn’t I develop resiliency out of my age 21 trauma by remembering how I handled myself at age 16?
Age 21 me knew nothing about trauma, much less tools for working through it. I had no idea that everything I was doing was feeding the vicious cycle of the “3” P’s, purely because I had never heard of it before. I never even stopped to consider that how I handled my soul death as a teenager had any significance at all.
In fact, the three trauma glossaries and two master toolboxes that are available here are the result of everything I wish I had known all those years ago but didn’t. Not knowing there were words for what I was going through was what kept me stuck.
It’s been an unnecessarily LONG road just to get where I am today. That’s why I’m determined to preserve not just our trauma language, but also our tools for working through it. I don’t want to see anyone else’s healing take as long as mine has.
With all that said, I created an in-depth series of visual aids pertaining to both this article and last week’s. A total of seven helpful “flashcards” in one spot that may well help you digest this further. At least I hope so! Click here to see it.