Previously, in Jaena’s World: The Prequel to My History Comics

Hello Trauma Warriors! Last week I made two promises to you. In Wednesday’s article, when I talked about the value of recording positive feedback, I promised to fully share the best affirmation I had given myself. On Friday, when I showed you how my creativity developed out of vision boards, I left you with a cliffhang. I showed you the first two pages of my “Previously, in Jaena’s World…” which accidentally acted as a prequel to my history comics. Now I have created the digital version, except where context has been added for your benefit.

This was my first ever “Previously, in Jaena’s World…” and as the title suggests, I scripted it with a narrator’s voice, referring to myself in third person. I still do these at the closing of each of my 90 Day bullet journals, but with more wisdom now. Yet I can honestly say that this particular one is still my favorite. For one thing, it actually had a plot, just like a story, which also included plenty of triumph. And the other is, it contains equal parts inspiration and cautionary tales. I will talk to you about the cautionary tales at the end of this.

The inspiration I hope you get from this is two-fold. 1) How enduring and working through our “growing pains” often lead to our greatest growth spurts. 2) You’d be amazed by the stories you’re living inside right now this minute. If you practice reflecting on who you are and what you do with self-compassion, what sort of narrative will you be capable of giving yourself? Think about it!

Terms referenced from Trauma Glossary 1: Gaslighting
Terms referenced from Trauma Glossary 2: Adult Attachment Disorder; Critic; Depersonalization; Flashback; Shame Spiral; Soul Death; Toxic Shame
Terms referenced in Master Toolbox 1: (tools for) Transference (especially Cognition Sheet); Window of Tolerance (especially Self-Care); Resources (especially Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker)

There is a profanity warning here, not just in the lyrics to my Father’s Day confrontation rap (which you will see at the end), but also in the prequel, itself. When I write my articles, I try to keep the language clean except in very special circumstances. However, given the nature of events that occurred here (especially in my Marco Polo rant!) I made the decision to keep the original language.

As always with my comic books, captions are provided underneath each image. This is so that those of whom English is not their first language can follow along with the translator.

Notice how I chose to handle what my ex-friend did that triggered a major series of events. Now notice how I worded that last sentence, because there’s been a trend where people have been encouraged to thank those who hurt them. This trend, which I strongly discourage implies that those who hurt us also “made us” better people. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whatever good we develop out of our hurt is always the result of us, never them.

Since my growth was far from perfect, let’s discuss the cautionary tales. It was my rapid growth and how much I had accomplished in such a short period of time that triggered my perfectionist critic. Except it was such an optimistic “voice”, I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time. You could say that I got swept off my feet by my own wins and it made me greedy. Instead of being satisfied with all the things I had already done, I wanted to close out my 90 Days with two major wins.

This set me up for impossible expectations for my next 90 days and caused me to take for granted every one of my wins and insights. No wonder I shame spiraled at the close of the next one! And only my first comic book with George Washington could pull me out of it.

Both “completing the trauma glossary” and securing my domain were grossly premature, anyway. The fact that it was called trauma glossary in the singular sense, (we have three trauma glossaries here) is proof that the project was far from “complete”. While true, I secured this domain on July 31, 2020, it would be twelve and a half months before I would go live with it.

Upon securing my domain, my nervous system immediately warned me that I was overlooking something crucial. It was, in fact, thanks to using my cognition sheet that I was able to understand where on earth all the panic was coming from. Cognition sheets can help us find words when our systems act up to the point where we only have sensory and images, as it helped me that very night. This is another takeaway I hope you consider. Practice using this as your tool. You will be amazed by the clarity it can provide you.

So, how did I quell the panic of my age 21 flashbacks and shrink my critic enough in order to finally go live? It took me actively experiencing the acceptance of “perfectly imperfect”. My first taste of this was in the performance of my Father’s Day rap, which included a kickboxing routine I had put together.

Keep in mind, I was an amateur kickboxer who was also self-taught through YouTube videos. A couple of my moves in particular were laughable disasters. (To anyone who kickboxes, I actually thought I could pull off the flying knee on a punching bag stand! Believe me, my attempt at pulling off that particular move was even funnier than what you’re imagining.) But at the close of “take one”, I looked at my husband and said, “No more tries, it feels right to go ahead and post this one as is.”

I actively experienced even more Perfectly Imperfect when I ripped those hideous notecards off my walls (which you saw in the above pictures) and transformed the whole room into this:

If you take the time to scrutinize the above picture, you’ll notice the bulletin boards are not hung as symmetrically as I had intended. My wall art, the sun, has an uneven number of rays on either side. The drapery is hung slightly lower on one side than the other. In other words, my newly decorated room is beautiful and perfectly imperfect, like me, like all of us.

What a shame I took the whole experience for granted because I was too caught up in comparing one 90 day period to another. Just check out the 13 takeaways I got from this project:

Finally, in order to work through those intense flashbacks of my age 21 soul death, I needed to learn from a man named Frederick Douglass. My first history comic book pulled me out of my shame spiral and gave me perspective. My second history comic, which I created in March of 2021, incredibly, rewired my brain where that particular trauma was concerned. I am pleased to inform you that next week will be that very comic book in question: Issue no. 2 Guided Wisdom with Frederick Douglass.

For now, I will leave you with the lyrics to my Father’s Day rap:

Coward! Traitor! Spineless Enabler! (Lyrics)

I used the music from “Yorktown (Instrumental)” here. (Yes, from the Hamilton soundtrack.)

(Me)
Papa, Papa…I wish I could talk to you.
The words you used to tell me, I don’t think they was true…

(Papa)
You’re getting more like her every day.
That makes her child abuse a-okay.

(Me)
<robotic voice>
Welcome! I am programmed for
-people pleasing-

(Me)
That’s my amygdala, Papa, it’s my curse;
Check out my super-conscience, it’s even worse.
I’m a selfish bitch with no empathy,
A rage-a-holic with no accountability.

(Chorus)
You’re a Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!
So busy loving you dearly
That I never saw you clearly.
You’re a Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!
I’m the key to your mirror,
Hard truths you won’t consider;
That you’re a Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!

Papa, Papa…I wish I could rage at you.
Now my chains have broke, I see through you.
You was the sane one,
The so-called nice one,
The rational one.
Look at me, I ain’t done!
She was a sick, crazy bitch, a low functioning BPD.
I grew up in a hurry, just so I could be, finally free,
From her splitting, her projections and her rages.
You aided and abetted that shit through all her stages.

Papa…Papa…
She read my diary and got access to my brain,
Then used it to promote my shaming campaign!
She ripped it up and wrote: I hate you too!
But here’s the thing, I wrote that diary ’cause of you.

(Papa)
You’re getting more like her every day.
That makes her child abuse a-okay.

(Me)
I was just thirteen when you started saying that to me;
Had to save my kids from my tyranny…
She destroyed it two months in its inception,
And with it, my children’s possible conception.
You minimized, normalized, rationalized her abuse.
All so you could justify you wasn’t any use!

(Papa)
You’re getting more like her every day.
That makes her child abuse a-okay.

(Me)
You wanna see my mother’s daughter come out to play?
Sit your ass down Papa and watch what you say.
You THINK you fear the rage of BPD;
I’ll show you the wrath of Complex PTSD!
I woke up my sleeping giant,
And no more will I be silent.
See, I am my mother’s daughter, you son of a bitch,
And y’all done fucked with the wrong damn bitch!

<I perform my kickboxing routine while the electric violins play>

(Me)
One thing you taught me is never mistake the coward’s weakness for kindness.
The coward stands for nothing and will fall for anything.
The coward is always a traitor-in-waiting for the tyrant;
‘Cause the coward’s fear is greater than the coward’s love.
Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!

In the adult world, power is given, never taken;
Think kids have the same choice? – you’re sadly mistaken.
Real men make those HARD choices
For children with no voices.
Coward…Traitor…
Spineless…Enabler!

You turned my mind upside down,
But I turned it right side up.
I’m good now, can’t the same ’bout you…
Enjoy what’s left of your poor life choices.
I’m out of here.
I’m done with you!

(Chorus)
He’s a Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!
So busy loving him dearly,
That I never saw him clearly.
He’s a Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!
I’m the key to his mirror,
Hard truths he won’t consider,
That he’s a Coward! Traitor!
Spineless Enabler!
-And to him, I am superior!