Polarized Parts: How to Mediate Fighting Parts in IFS

Check out our featured image for a moment, because it’s a great analogy. We have all seen the classic angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Both being polar opposites of the ethereal realm, they naturally despise each other. And they are fighting for the owner of those shoulders to “Pick me!” Well, far from a battle of good versus evil, our Polarized Parts work like the angel versus the devil on our shoulders. They are two parts disagreeing over a specific action they want you to take.

If you struggle with anxiety or shame, chances are high that you have at least one set of Polarized Parts. Perhaps you want to get ahead in life but each time you try, you’re swamped by feelings of inadequacy. Or perhaps you assert yourself, only to shame spiral (Trauma Glossary 2) immediately afterwards. Or the reverse, saying yes while inside your head, you’re screaming no. These are just a few examples of having two parts that are always fighting each other.

The Thinker versus the Daydreamer, the Boss versus the People-Pleaser, the Ambitious versus the Procrastinator, the Self-Controller versus the Self-Indulgent. Whichever part we blend with, there is no calm or resolution for long. One may give up for a while, only to return later and then the fight starts up again.

3 Main Features of All Polarized Parts

Just a quick note. As we get to know our parts in IFS, we tend to notice many opposite parts. While all Polarized Parts are opposites, not all opposite parts are necessarily Polarized. But if they check all three boxes, you will know for sure.

• Two parts in a same time conflict over the same time action, thought, or feeling.
• Both parts are extreme opposites, both in energy and asserting what they want you to do. If it feels like a real-time tug-of-war inside your head, it’s a sure sign of two parts that are definitely fighting.
• They are extreme because they tend to worry about the other part taking over if they do not perform their extreme role. In many cases, they are guarding the same Exile. But they are more worried about what the other part is doing than their own Exile!

One example is the Boss versus the People-Pleaser. The Boss wants to assert with venomous tyranny because it worries that the People-Pleaser will cause us to get trampled on by others. Meanwhile, the People-Pleaser wants to use self-abandonment (Trauma Glossary 2) because it worries about the Boss’s bad behavior.

Another example is my own: my Freeze Response versus my over-active Flight Response. Their names are Distractor and Live-Wire. Distractor wants to withdraw and daydream, while Live-Wire wants action. Live-Wire fuels my whole system with anxiety and guilt because it despises Distractor’s idleness. Distractor tends to give up for a while, only to come back later and the fight starts up again.

I share that story of Distractor and Live-Wire and how they resolved their conflict in my heal-along companion article. (Here)

The Fight is the IFS Trailhead

The trailhead is an IFS term. It’s any situation that makes us curious. We call it the trailhead because like its name implies, it heads us down the trail of discovering more parts. When we discover a set of Polarized Parts, we certainly know that one part of us wants one thing, while the other part wants the opposite. But in some cases, these parts form alliances with other parts and instead of it being a fight between two parts, it’s like a gang war or political faction fighting.

Our goal is not to create a bland compromise between these warring parts. Both sides have valuable qualities, we just need them to be less extreme. So, the trick is to get both sides to see this in each other.

Before we mediate, we must get to know these parts as individuals. That means creating the biography sheets and then opening up the dialogue with one part at a time. How to create a biography sheet and the 16 questions for opening up the dialogue is available here. Trust me, Polarized Parts tend to bring up their strong opinions of the other part somewhere in the dialogue questions.

The acronym TARA is important here. (Trust, Appreciated, Respected, and Assured, what all parts, even the Polarized Parts, need from us.) Because to get them to see the value in the other part, we must first see it from Self.

Mediation with the Polarized Parts, Phase 1

Now that we have gotten to know our parts as individuals and fully understand both sides, we are ready for phase 1 of the mediation. Create a two-column list. One part has one column while its Polarized other half has the other column. Then compare them side-by-side by answering these five questions.

• Role in my System: What is it each part does?
• Positive Intent: Why is each part doing what they do? Name the good intention behind what they do.
• Conflict: Each part addresses the concerns they have with the other part.
• Fears the Part has if it’s Less Extreme with its Role: Polarized Parts tend to worry that the other part will take over and it will lead to some disastrous outcome.
• What you need from me: Both parts address their basic needs from you. Be sure and set a daily intention to meet both sides’ needs. This is the most important because by honoring their needs, they will trust you as you move into the next phases of mediating. Without trust, there will be no progress.

And so, your two-column list will look something like this. Here is my example mediating between Distractor and Live-Wire.

Notice what they both need from me. Live-Wire wants me to “do stuff” and help him spend his high energy. This way, we can take relaxing breaks uninterrupted. Distractor needs assurance that he is safe. This is doable.

Next Step: Two Choices

1) Heal the Exile

Polarized Parts tend to be Protectors of the same Exile, but not always. Sometimes they are parts guarding different Exiles. And so, they fight because how one part is guarding one Exile is interfering with the way the other part is guarding its Exile. In either case, since Polarized Parts worry more about what the other part is doing than their own Exile, chances are high that they will grant you permission to examine the Exile. And why is this so important? When we heal the Exile, it begins the healing process for its Protectors. Without an Exile to guard anymore, the Polarized Parts will start to calm down. And then we can proceed to phase 2 of the mediation. So, if you gain permission to examine the Exile, proceed to this link, which will guide you through the process of healing the Exile.

Sometimes there is another Protector guarding the same Exile and it refuses to let you near it. This happened to me. I discovered one angry Firefighter behind Distractor and Live-Wire, and she was guarding the same Exile. Long story short, she gave me “the finger” and continues to do so to this very day. Her reasons will make sense in my heal-along. Just suffice to say that there are options for healing our Polarized Parts’ grievances without healing the Exile.

2) Work with one of the Polarized Parts

The ultimate goal is to discover their common ground and get them both to acknowledge it. Polarized Parts tend to want the same thing, they just don’t see it. The Boss versus the People Pleaser for example both want social success. But they will never achieve this as long as both sides are too extreme. However, it isn’t always so obvious until we work with them. So, we choose which part we would like to work on while letting the other part know what we’re doing and why. There is no such thing as choosing the wrong part to work with. When one part makes progress, the other part will become less extreme.

Mediation with the Polarized Parts, Phase 2

Phase 1 of the mediation was the parts talking to you. In Phase 2, the parts talk to each other. Now that we have made progress with a part, be it the Exile or one of the Polarized Parts, it’s time to get them to acknowledge each other. So, we remind them that they must be respectful and no fighting is allowed. Then we create a new two-column list of five questions.

• Common Ground: Both sides state what they both want. This becomes the focus behind how they answer the rest of the questions.
• Basic Position: What each side wants to do to get what they both want. It’s okay if they have opposite positions. Let both sides explain their needs and why it’s important to them. They may also include the progress they have made since phase 1.
• Response: They respond to each other’s basic position with respectful understanding.
• Acknowledge: Something positive in each other. This can vary from seeing a positive trait to noticing the progress the other part has made.
• Resolution: Sometimes the parts can find the resolution, particularly if you’ve noticed any shifts in thinking during this exchange. And sometimes the Self can see the resolution. In which case, you can suggest it and see if the parts agree with it.

This should give you an idea of what phase 2 looks like. Check this out. By choosing to work with Distractor, I learned that his daydreams have a distinct pattern.

If they can’t reach a resolution like my Polarized Parts did, don’t give up. It only means that one part needs more time to work through. Or, it could be that the other part needs work now so that they can reach a resolution. Patience and compassion are key.

From Tension into Flow

This is the last of my educational articles on IFS therapy. But I am not yet done with the overall topic. I still have a couple more healing examples using IFS based on the four educational articles. That means two more heal-alongs. So, watch for those in the upcoming weeks.

IFS is the weirdest therapy I have ever encountered but it’s also the most amazing. The moment we make peace with its weirdness, we begin unlocking our true selves. As we heal the hurt parts of us, we learn to trust ourselves because our parts develop a deeper trust in us. And so, I want to provide you with a link to a workbook that helped me figure out what to do with my Polarized Parts. Because believe me, having my work interrupted by daydreams and feeling impatient while at rest was an ongoing problem for me until I began my IFS studies.

Here is the workbook I recommend. It’s by Bonnie J. Weiss and it’s a companion book to Jay Earley’s book, which I have also recommended throughout this IFS series.