My last soul death at age 21 remained unresolved. Therefore, as trauma’s golden rule dictates: it gets us stuck. I was stuck in the vicious cycle of Procrastination, known as the “3 P’s” for the vast majority of my adult life.
In my Frederick Douglass comic book, we explored ways of resolving our trauma to secure a better future. It was also an opportunity to share with you as a Cautionary Tale from my own life, what happens when that trauma remains unprocessed. Trauma gets us stuck. The vicious cycle of Procrastination ensures we stay there.
The vicious cycle is rooted in a toxic level of self-doubt that’s terrified of making mistakes. It’s a core belief that we are bound to screw up in some irreparable way unless we check and double-check ourselves at each step.
The Vicious Cycle of the “3” P’s
Procrastination, Perfectionism and Paralysis are also known as the 3 Deadly P’s to prosperity.
There are some sources that have replaced Paralysis with People Pleasing, while others have replaced it with Preparation. I won’t disagree. In fact, I’m grateful to those who thought outside the box and helped shed even more light on what’s going on in this vicious cycle.
First, we can look at Paralysis as the inactive state of Procrastination. Meanwhile, what do People Pleasing and Preparation have in common? They are both active states of Procrastination. When we’re actively “doing something” we don’t realize that we’re procrastinating.
Whichever one of the P’s we use, the presence of one will feed both Procrastination and Perfectionism. This is how the cycle develops into a trap that continually “confirms” and “reconfirms” our negative self-talk.
Paralysis
Paralysis is the inactive state of Procrastination. It gets manifested from being overwhelmed by our expectations or having too much on our plate for too long. Paralysis can also be seen as spiraling into executive dysfunction (Trauma Glossary 2). The primary tell in executive dysfunction is when we are not seeing any options in the moment. In other words, having no room in our head for “Plan B’s” leave us confused on how to proceed. No wonder it sends us into paralysis.
Another form of Paralysis is what’s known as “mental paralysis”, which is when we’ve temporarily hit a brick wall on processing information. Mental paralysis is a symptom of our Broca’s Area (Trauma Glossary 3: Section 1 under Cerebral Cortex) disconnecting, which is mild aphasia.
People Pleasing
People Pleasing is rooted in a fear of rejection. Where the 3 P’s are concerned, it’s looking for constant reassurances from others. The People Pleaser is rarely satisfied with one person’s feedback, especially when that feedback is positive. This is why the People Pleaser wants that “second opinion” that can easily turn into a third or fourth. However, the People Pleaser doesn’t realize that they’re setting themselves up. When ONE person “confirms” whatever it is they’re insecure about, it causes them to dismiss everyone else’s positive feedback.
I have a great example of this in action. Back when I was painting my wall art, there was a small overlay right between the legs of the silhouette. All I “saw” at the time was…shall we say, anatomically correctness in an image that was supposed to be unisex. Notice what I posted and the number of people who assured me they had no idea what I was so worried about:
Now notice that ONE person’s feedback and how quickly I acted on it:
See how I couldn’t wait to assure that one person that I fixed it? Do I look like I was anxious for that one person’s approval? Because I certainly was!
Preparation
Preparation is rooted in a fear of surprises. There is often a primal emotional need to know what will happen next. The over-preparer anticipates multiple disasters and is attempting to control those events through an overkill of structure. There are many ways we can go about over-preparing: meticulously planning every detail; having a rigid daily routine; obsessive research; even getting swept up in the quest for self-improvement.
The scholar’s greatest weakness: calling procrastination research.
Stephen King
The over-preparer is, ironically, under-prepared for the most important thing of all: life’s surprises. Their minds are so full of structured predictability, they have no head space for responding in real time, when the unexpected happens. Most importantly, they are robbing themselves of flexibility.
Perfectionism as Procrastination in itself
Both active states of procrastination are also ways we get swept up in perfecting. When we are people pleasing, we are striving for a 100% approval rate. When we are preparing, we are striving for a future that will flow forever without a single hiccup. Both goals are equally unrealistic. The more energy we put into manifesting an unrealistic goal, the more we will end up manifesting our worst fear of all. That fear is creating mediocrity. The longer we manifest the mediocre, the longer we stay trapped in the very same habits that are feeding this hamster wheel.
“Good enough” or Perfectly Imperfect?
Let’s be honest. What was your first thought when confronted by the concept of accepting yourself as good enough? I know I recoiled from that term. In my head, I translated “good enough” as barely passing a test. Good enough, to me meant mediocre. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course. Yet my feelings were in stubborn defiance to logic.
To anyone whose perfectionist critic is as vicious as mine, Perfectly Imperfect is a great word replacement. It means exactly the same thing as accepting ourselves as good enough. It simply soothes our critic by holding onto that coveted “Perfect” concept. At the same time, it helps us accept the fact that what we create will never be as perfect as how we originally envisioned it. It’s always going to be perfectly imperfect, which is good enough.
The Foundation Step: Radical Acceptance
The sooner we can fully accept the following truths about life itself, the sooner we can practice letting go of how we were programmed into seeing ourselves and the world:
1) The unexpected will happen; it’s a part of life.
We have no way of predicting the unexpected because, let’s face it. If we could, it wouldn’t be called the unexpected in the first place. We have no way of controlling what’s beyond our control. No amount of meticulous planning will stop it from happening. The only thing we can control is how we respond to the event. Will we give up and curse fate in the process? Or will we review our options with enough head space for finding a “Plan B?”
2) None of us will ever be perfect; we are always a work in progress.
The longer we are caught up in perfecting ourselves or what we do, the longer it will take us to meet our life goals. This is due to having impossible expectations for ourselves. The quest for perfectionism is rooted in the belief that we aren’t good enough. As long as we believe that we aren’t good enough, we will never see our best efforts as good enough.
3) Mistakes are vital to our growth and development; we can always recover from them.
This misconception of screwing up in some irreparable way is what keeps us stuck in the vicious cycle of the 3 P’s. To fear making mistakes is to fear learning and self-development. By denying ourselves the experience of making mistakes, we are denying ourselves the active experience of new learning.
Of the three Radical Acceptance steps, are there any that you have difficulty accepting right now? It’s okay if you do. Understand that years of childhood programming created the habits of the “3” P’s. It takes time and a little work to develop kinder beliefs about ourselves and the world’s expectations of us. That’s why I’m going to leave you with a few additional tools that can help.
Additional Tools
First, understand that long-term goals that don’t have a specific “deadline” is the number one cause of what keeps us trapped in the vicious cycle of the “3” P’s. So the sooner you practice short-term goal setting, the sooner you can start breaking free from the cycle. My series of articles on Bullet Journaling with my Reflections x 3 Formula can help you practice confidence building by meeting short-term goals.
I want to also acknowledge that there are some times in life when we do have a long list of tasks in order to meet a goal. This can easily overwhelm us. First, look at the tasks individually and take it one day at a time. It’s also a good idea to assign specific days for taking on just ONE thing. For example, what helps me is having Mondays for my administrative days; Saturdays are my self-care days. On Mondays, I handle errands, any necessary maintenance or tech support. This way, the rest of my week flows a little easier for me, so that by Saturday I’m free to celebrate at least one thing.
This mindfulness tool will help you manage your executive functioning levels.
In Master Toolbox 1, look for tools under Learned Helplessness and Window of Tolerance.
Finally, we will revisit this topic next week, when I discuss Poised Readiness. How it can reframe our thoughts out of the “3” P’s while acting as a bridge between Radical Acceptance and developing resiliency.