Trauma Attraction and the Chaotic Nervous System

Trauma attraction is having an attraction to those who make us feel in some way similar to how we felt when we were raised in an adverse home. It’s a failure to see the value in peace. That’s because when we’re raised in chaos, we learn how to cope in chaos. Dissociating was our only option and the closest we came to feeling at peace. So, having never experienced true peace, we tend to “check out” in peaceful settings because we don’t understand what we’re supposed to do here. And until we learn to understand and appreciate peace, our trauma attraction will continue to have its hold on us.

How often have we heard these cliches? “Bad boys are exciting. Nice guys are boring.” “Crazy women are so sexy!” What they’re really saying is that they don’t know how to find joy in a relationship without abuse. Because let’s face it, Cluster B disordered (Trauma Glossary 1) parents tend to create low self-esteem in their children. So, when we don’t know how to see value in ourselves, how are we going to value those who value us? We are more inclined to attract those who keep us on edge in a never ending loop of earning their love. Earning our keep, earning approval, and yet somehow we are always falling short. Sound familiar? How our parents treat us teaches us how to allow others to treat us. And we continually believe it’s what we deserve.

The final reason we struggle with trauma attraction is because trauma does more than just program us on a cognitive level. It also programs our bodies. And where trauma attraction is concerned, it’s primarily the nervous system. See also section 2 of Trauma Glossary 3 because we will be talking about that as well.

Trauma Attraction and the Nervous System

Childhood trauma survivors have nervous systems wired for “excitement” because we never learned peace. But here’s the thing. Have you ever noticed the similarity in body sensations between fear and excitement? Both trigger the racing heart, that rush of adrenaline, and the tingly sensation in the stomach that we nickname “butterflies”. The only difference is that we interpret one as uncomfortable and the other as pleasurable.

Let me introduce you to the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). It has two major nerves: the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nerves. The parasympathetic nerve is for resting, digesting, and also accepting defeat in threatening situations. The sympathetic nerve, on the other hand, is our fight-or-flight response in threatening situations. It also stimulates our arousal (excitement and sexual arousal). So, no wonder fear and excitement have similar body sensations.

Even more interesting is which part of the brain the sympathetic nerve operates. It’s in the mid-section of the brain known as the Limbic System or “emotion brain”. The Limbic System is also home to the amygdala, which is stimulated by the sympathetic nerve. This part of the brain, when affected by trauma is home to our “high energy” problems found in Trauma Glossary 2, such as catastrophizing and hyper-vigilance. By contrast, the parasympathetic nerve operates in the bottom section of the brain known as Primitive or “lizard brain”. When it’s affected by trauma, it’s home to our “low energy” problems from that same glossary, such as dissociation, depersonalization, and learned helplessness. In other words, they are the difference between hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal.

A Need for Speed

That so-called instant connection, or instant chemistry is the ultimate high of an intense relationship. It’s wildly fun and exciting when we have a trauma attraction. Here are some signs of an over-stimulated sympathetic nerve choosing your partners for you.

On the first meeting or the first date:

• Lots of laughter and excitement is a guarantee that you want to see this person again.
• A calm exchange of getting to know each other and/or sharing ideas causes your mind to drift off. You think that this person is better off as a friend or acquaintance because there isn’t enough chemistry for a romance.
• You tend to have sex quickly, if not by the first date, then definitely on the second date.

Relationships that tend to survive up to six months:

• There’s an element of control and manipulation.
• You believe that your partner is better than you. You’re constantly on edge, trying to prove yourself or earn your worth in your partner’s eyes.
• You live in your partner’s potential while failing to see your own. Cue in the cliches we often hear. “I see something in my partner that no one else sees.” Or, “I know my partner is really good deep down because I’ve seen glimpses of it.” (AKA: those so-called “beautiful moments in between the abuses”.) And finally, “We just need to work through this one crisis my partner is going through and then everything will be great.”
• You don’t fully trust your partner but you blame yourself. You believe that your partner could easily discard you and find someone else tomorrow. So, the thinking is, “I had better go that extra mile to keep my partner happy.”
• You don’t share your most vulnerable parts with your partner. There are three main reasons for this. 1) You don’t know yourself very well. 2) You don’t like what you “think” you know about yourself. 3) Your partner will reject or ridicule you if they know.

Our Cognitive Distortions: Why We Reject Those Who Value Us

Conversely, when we’re under the spell of the trauma attraction, many of us can befriend those who see our worth and believe in us. However, the romantic or sexual attraction is completely absent. To piggyback off the last bullet point above, (Because the last one is not directly tied with the sympathetic nerve but more on that later.) when we don’t know ourselves, and what we think we know is an unlovable and undeserving person, who in their right mind would want to share their most vulnerable parts with others? Much less share them with the sort of partner described above. Because spoiler alert: that sort of partner will use your vulnerabilities against you, just like our Cluster B parents exploited and shamed us.

So, the reason we are attracted to those who treat us the same way our parents treated us can’t all be blamed on the sympathetic nerve. There’s also the fact that who our parents told us we are were lies the whole time. And until we get to know who we really are instead of who they say we are, we will continue living in the illusion that we are bad, faulty, and unworthy of real, authentic love. Just check out this excerpt from Trauma Glossary 2.

Cognitive Distortion: Perception of reality is distorted because of the false beliefs Cluster B parents teach their children. This can manifest in one’s perception of self, of others, or of the relationship between things. This has a major impact on our decision making and keeps us stuck in a “confirmation bias” (manifesting the same outcomes). Many different types of cognitive distortions can be found in this glossary.

See also: Auto-gaslighting; Catastrophizing; FOG; Hyper-vigilance; Impostor Syndrome; Irrational Guilt: Learned Helplessness; Negative Noticing; Repetition Compulsion; Self-Abandonment; Toxic Shame

Trauma Glossary 2

Notice the “see also” list. They are all various ways we carry false beliefs and use them for decision-making. This includes choosing our partners. For example, the foundation of gaslighting is to make the other person doubt their reality. So, if our parents gaslit us, we end up with chronic self-doubt and learn to gaslight ourselves (auto-gaslighting). Already doubting ourselves, we are vulnerable to partners who gaslight us. Irrational and unfair parental blame teaches us to have irrational guilt and blame ourselves for our partner’s abuse.

Trauma Attraction and the Nervous System Part 2

The Vagus nerve stimulates the ANS. And like the ANS, the Vagus nerve also has two systems: the VVC (Ventral Vagal Complex) and the DVC (Dorsal Vagal Complex). Since I prefer simplifying, let’s call one Ventral and the other Dorsal. The Dorsal works alongside the parasympathetic nerve in the bottom section of the brain (home to the “low energy” trauma problems we discussed earlier). And here’s where it gets interesting. The Ventral stimulates the top section of the brain known as the Prefrontal Cortex. This section of the brain is also known as our social engagement system and our level of executive functioning, reason, and planning. So, it’s how we endure the “daily grind” on the job and also living in our purpose as a tribe (social engagement system). This part of our brain, when affected by trauma is home to our cognitive distortions.

Why We are Vulnerable to Love Bombing

So, when we put it all together, it explains why we have no attraction to authentic people who see our value and yet we are so vulnerable to love bombing (Trauma Glossary 1). When authentic people show that they value us, the sympathetic nerve (excitement) isn’t triggered and so, the prefrontal cortex stays online. That would be a good thing except for all those cognitive distortions are reminding us why their perception of us “doesn’t count”. We may even find ourselves questioning their value purely because they see something worthwhile in us that we can’t see.

With love bombing, it’s the reverse. A well-packaged charmer who’s exciting and a little mysterious singles us out. This triggers our sympathetic nerve and so, there’s increased activation in the emotion brain. This decreases the awareness of our cognitive distortions and puts us in an emotional “high”. We respond like starving children, open to everything the love bomber says. “Someone finally loves me!” we think, “And thank goodness I’m not as flawed as I thought.”

How ironic that we release our cognitive distortions in the love bombing stage, until the love bomber slips off their mask in stage 2: intermittent reinforcement also known as breadcrumbing (Trauma Glossary 1). Then they all come rushing back with a vengeance. That’s how we stay hooked in this toxic relationship because 1) we have a number of cognitive distortions that are causing us to blame ourselves for our partner’s sudden neglect and 2) we hunger for that next “fix” – that emotional high we experienced in the love bombing stage.

How to STOP Being Attracted to Bad People

First, I want to say to you that I have been happily married to a wonderful man for nineteen years. But believe me, before I found my king, I dated three narcissists and one codependent. It’s my hope that sharing this much of myself inspires you to not give up on finding real and authentic love. Because you are valuable and you deserve to be valued, even if you don’t yet know it. We all have different journeys that help lead us away from those who don’t deserve us and into the loving arms of those who do. For myself, it was simply learning the term personality disorder and then discovering narcissistic personality disorder. It perfectly described my last boyfriend before I met my future husband. It was enough for me to finally validate myself enough to know I deserved better than the ones I had been involved with.

I was so fed up with all the drama, that peace became my new standard for sexy. Finding that with my husband was nothing short of divine timing. Because I know that had I not educated myself on personality disorders and gotten fed up with my old type, I would not have felt any attraction to him when we met. His great sense of humor and our weekly “grill night” (which is synonymous with just me and him partying in the patio while slow cooking our food) means we have a fun marriage minus the drama.

Nothing in my synopsis helps? Okay, let’s explore other options.

Affirmations Shift You From Negative Propaganda Into Positive Propaganda

How are your cognitive distortions the result of negative propaganda? Well, think of why propaganda is so dangerously affective. It’s because it’s easy. All one has to do is say something and keep repeating it until it leaks inside people’s heads and becomes a new belief. So, the only difference between global propaganda and the insults your parents hurled at you – on repeat – is the size of the audience. Their negative propaganda gave you your cognitive distortions. Affirmations, like positive propaganda are key to undoing it.

Affirmations should be “I” statements and in present tense. In other words, “I am” or “I deserve”, not “I did” or “I will”. There are a slew of affirmations on the internet, just a keyword search away. Find one or more that feels partly true. You don’t have to believe it fully. Then say it at least three times in a row at least three different times during the day.

Level up with the bonus plan! Involve your body in some way while you’re saying them. For example, say them to yourself while lifting weights or on your treadmill. Or say them to yourself while going for a mindfulness walk. This will help your nervous system get the message faster.

Just in case you can’t find any affirmations that you can even partly believe in, perhaps you may want to start with the cognition sheet. It has both a negative and positive side. The negative side is to help you understand what’s going on with you during triggering events so that you can ease your way into positive cognitions. I wrote an article on the various ways we can use this for self-discovery and personal growth. That article is (here).

Get to Know the Real You!

And speaking of self-discovery, there are tools for that in Master Toolbox 1 (here). I solemnly swear to you that everything your parents said you are is a LIE! It’s the very reason we struggle so much with identity and self-worth. Get to know yourself in such a way that it finally sinks in: “I’m pretty awesome after all. Why have I been wasting myself on all those Cluster B losers?” (There’s an affirmation you should practice for sure!)

Do Your Research So that You Don’t Spend the Rest of Your Life Isolating

So many people in our CPTSD community have been betrayed by not just family and partners, but by friends too. Feeling like a walking magnet for bad people is a terrible headspace to live in. And I’m certainly not invalidating those horrible experiences. In fact, I understand the need to isolate for a while, lick your wounds and get to know yourself apart from toxic people.

What I am saying to those who feel that urge to isolate forever is do your research until you have a thorough understanding of all four of the Cluster B disorders. This will help you understand red flags versus green flags. Because yes, there are certainly bad people out there just like our parents. But never forget that there are good people too. Research will help us gain another important skill called discernment. That way, when you are ready to come out and face the world again, you will know who you should close yourself off from and who is worthy of you opening your heart to.

I wrote an article on interpersonal trauma, what we can do about healing it, and why long term isolation is dangerous to our mental and biological health. That article is (here).

Mindfulness Helps You Practice Making Peace With Peace

Look! It’s so useful for training our nervous system, I turned it into a meme on my social media pages.

Yes, we need to practice that “boring” thing called mindfulness. Remember, trauma attraction means having a nervous system wired for anti-peace. Mindfulness is “boring” because it’s teaching our nervous system new tricks. The great conundrum of course is that we hate mindfulness. If only someone wrote an article on ways we can practice mindfulness that aren’t so yucky. Oh wait! Someone has done that. It’s me. That article on mindfulness is (here).

Further Reading

I know I didn’t go much in depth on the ANS and Vagus Nerve, trying to stick to the main theme of this article. In fact, they do more than just stimulate our brain. They also send and receive from our body chemicals and also our vital organs. If you want a more comprehensive article on either, the article on the ANS is (here).

And the article on the Vagus nerve is (here).