To understand our goals, we must first understand the major problems we tend to have as survivors of childhood trauma. Have you ever come across the term, interpersonal trauma? You can also think of it as an attachment trauma. When we are abused, abandoned, neglected, or betrayed by someone who is supposed to care for us, it’s an interpersonal trauma.
In a secure relationship, a conflict arises and we can talk it out. One or both parties will show remorse for the mistake or misunderstanding. Then they back it up with a new understanding of not repeating the same mistake. This is how we process interpersonal conflict into closure so that it doesn’t become interpersonal trauma.
We all make mistakes, but not everyone will have remorse. And not everyone is willing to make amends for the mistake. So, when experiencing conflict with one who intentionally hurt us without remorse or accountability, it’s an interpersonal trauma.
This is the most difficult trauma to heal and do you know why? It’s because our brains and bodies still function as they did in primitive times. That’s when safety in numbers was key to survival. Mutual trust, unity, and working together within the tribe was how we took down outside threats. It’s how the human race prevented itself from going extinct.
So, what happens to our brains and bodies when the threat doesn’t come from the outside, but instead, it comes from within our own tribe? Our whole system is affected because it goes against everything it is designed to do for us.
Interpersonal Trauma in Adult Partnerships
I have heard from numerous ex-spouses who, three years out of an abusive relationship, are still reeling from the trauma. Even when that abuse was purely psychological (abuses that don’t leave bruises). Some have given up on love and are unsure if they can ever trust again. If interpersonal trauma has this sort of effect on the battered spouse who escaped, what do you think it does to the child who was raised in this type of environment?
Now let’s look at a slightly less extreme example.
Ghosting
Have you heard of the term ghosting? It’s when one person in the relationship decides to disappear from their partner’s life. No warning, no discussion or explanation. One day the relationship seems good and the next day, poof! The partner vanishes from their life like a ghost. The one who was invested in this relationship is now dealing with the shock of destroyed trust both with the now ex-partner and with the self. “Why did my person do this?” thinks the broken-hearted. “What did I do wrong? And why didn’t I see it coming?” The ghosting partner won’t give them the closure they need. And in the rare case when they do offer an explanation, the ghosting partner tends to project unfair blame on the one they have hurt.
This is an abandonment and betrayal wound. The broken-hearted has the devastating journey of creating single-person closure in a two-person relationship. The ghosted partner questions their value as a person because they tend to absorb more accountability than the ghosting partner who has already moved on. To heal this wound, the broken-hearted must see the ghosting partner more clearly. Until they do, they will continue feeling unlovable and responsible for what has happened.
If they came from a loving home, healing this trauma is much easier. They can see the relationship more as a learning experience. They know the sort of people they should avoid so that their next relationship will be meaningful. The ghosted partner can reintegrate with renewed trust and confidence because their parents taught them that they are valuable and loved.
However, if their parents taught them the reverse, this type of interpersonal trauma feels like they just experienced one more person who “confirms” they are unvaluable and unlovable.
Childhood Trauma is Starting from Scratch
It’s true that we will encounter bad people just like our abusive parents. We will encounter friends, lovers, and colleagues who will betray us or make us feel just as unlovable as our parents made us feel. But we will also encounter good and trustworthy people.
It’s difficult to heal from those who hurt us because it is re-traumatizing. It further “confirms” all those cognitive distortions I named in last week’s article (here) and impacts how we see other people in general. Instead of seeing that friend, lover, or colleague as one person, we tend to see them as representing the collective. And so, when we start believing the whole world is bad, we tend to also believe that it’s because we aren’t valuable enough.
When we forget that the world also has good people, we stop looking for them and then we stop noticing them. See my article on Negative Noticing and what we can do about this programming, just in case any of this information is hitting home for you. Because this circular belief tempts us into isolating. And that’s the worst thing we can do for our healing.
“The call is coming from inside the house.” Why Isolating is Never the Solution
When a Stranger Calls was a 1979 thriller about a babysitter who receives a series of threatening phone calls. She stays inside and locks all the doors as protection from the threat and then calls the police. A while later, after more threatening calls, the police call her back. They say, “We have traced the call and it’s coming from inside the house. You need to get out.”
And that’s just what happens without abuse entering the equation. Psychological abuse with isolation makes this biological programming even more intense. Abusers tend to isolate their victims. And as I said in last week’s article, the abuses our parents inflicted on us have taught us to perpetuate those same abuses on ourselves. So, if our parents isolated us, the temptation to isolate as a response to adult interpersonal trauma is even stronger. This is especially true when we have our own place that’s free from our childhood abusers. No one can abuse us in this safe place, we rationalize, while completely unaware that the psychological abuses are continuing inside our own heads. The call is indeed coming from inside the house.
Processing Our Original Interpersonal Trauma
There are those who will only have bad intent towards us. It’s a sad part of life that we must be aware of. But there are also those who will see our worth and they will care about us. Our only hope at not forgetting that there is good in the world is by learning to heal from the bad experiences. And this is where resiliency comes into play. We learn to recover from our bad experiences by challenging our cognitive distortions. All those horrible lies our Cluster B disordered (Trauma Glossary 1) parents taught us to believe about ourselves must be undone. That’s why processing our childhood trauma is so crucial. It’s the original no closure wound.
We learn that the very people whose job it was to help us discover our value and purpose actually set us up for the reverse. Parental betrayal cuts deeper than that in an adult partnership. But take comfort in this. Through that pain, there is always growth on the other side. We see that our view of the world was one big misunderstanding. “What do you mean it’s one big misunderstanding?” we think, “I have all these experiences!” And then we sigh with relief, because we learn we are now in control.
Finding Our Tribe
Repeat after me. “I was raised in the wrong tribe. And now I must find the tribe that is right for me.”
Even those who were not isolated tend to grow up feeling like an island unto themselves. After all, disordered parents are notorious for masking in public and then unmasking (Trauma Glossary 1) behind closed doors. And so, we grow up wondering why our parents are nicer to others than to us – and if we speak out, who will believe us? Most heartbreaking of all was how we grew up questioning our value. “If my own parents don’t care,” the child thinks, “no one will care.” Not knowing that lots of people would have cared had they only known. Having our right to autonomy constantly denied also gave us more than our fair share of socially awkward experiences. By the time we reach adulthood, all this programming is working against us.
A support group is a great place to start. Ask anyone in our Complex-PTSD community and they will tell you three things we all have in common. We had the same types of parents, we grew up feeling the same way, and we all have similar ongoing problems. In this type of support group, we tend to discover our tribe members in different stages of healing. And we can glean insights and validation. It’s also a great alternative for those who do not have access to a therapist. Start sharing your experiences with your tribe. And keep sharing them, even when it feels like you’re repeating the same stories. A single trauma isn’t fully processed in one therapy session. And so it is in a support group.
Further Reading
Besides Negative Noticing, we also talked about the Vagus Nerve and how isolating is the worst thing we can do for it. If you’re looking for a more comprehensive understanding of what trauma does to the Vagus Nerve and more importantly, what we can do about it, that article is (here).
Since interpersonal trauma is also an attachment trauma, you might be interested in my wrap-up article on attachment styles. There are seven visual aids and also links to other articles – secure and insecure attachment styles, and our social hormones. That article is (here).
To find more like-minded people (more tribes we belong with outside support groups) we must first practice self-discovery, not self-improvement. As I said in last week’s article on our cognitive distortions and why self-improvement thinking is dangerous, that link one more time is (here). To discover ourselves, we must first understand what happened to us. And then we can move forward.