The Break-up was a 2006 comedy starring Jennifer Aniston (as Brooke) and Vince Vaughn (as Gary). What’s most brilliant about this film is, it’s a case study of the doomed romance between opposite attachment styles. Brooke’s character is the Anxious Style, while Gary’s character is the Avoidant Style. What could possibly go wrong for these two? The answer is, as the movie title suggests, everything that can go wrong will. In the past three articles, we’ve covered the three main attachment styles (Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant). So, I figured, let’s have a little fun this week and watch as our fictional characters, Brooke and Gary chart a course straight into relationship destruction. There will also be links to certain movie clips. This way, you can watch for yourself and let me know in the comments if there are any insights I might have overlooked.
Warning! This article will contain spoilers for the movie: The Break-Up
The movie opens at a baseball game in Chicago, where Gary and Brooke meet for the first time. Gary is bold, confident, and funny, and it’s clear that his charms are working on Brooke. Then cue in the opening credits, as we watch their relationship develop through a series of pictures. There is lots of togetherness, happiness, and they are even in a bowling league together. Then we see them posing for a picture with spackled and painted walls in the background. So, their relationship has progressed to moving in together.
Cohabiting is the stage where we start coming down from the “high” of building our relationship into a calm state of security. Ideally, both partners are willing to maintain the connection that has gotten them this far. But as we will see, Anxious and Avoidant have strategies that couldn’t be more opposite.
Trouble in Paradise
Gary comes home from work and hands Brooke the bag of lemons she asked him to pick up on the way. Brooke is in the kitchen preparing an elaborate meal as Gary makes a beeline for the television. She notices that there are only three lemons, but she had asked Gary for twelve. It’s for the centerpiece, which Gary immediately dismisses with one excuse after another. He does not want to go back out for more lemons, and all he wants to do is watch the baseball game. Gary tells Brooke that he had been working all day and he just wants to relax, and anyway, he reasons, it’s just a centerpiece. So, she can improvise.
Brooke reminds Gary that she, too had been working all day. But she has also been cooking and cleaning since she came home, in preparation for tonight’s dinner party. If he can’t go out and get her more lemons, would he at least set the table, since their guests will be here soon? Gary says no, as he wants to finish watching the inning first. Then the doorbell rings and Gary shoots up from the couch and announces he needs to hop in the shower. An exasperated Brooke is left alone to answer the door.
We haven’t even gotten to the pivotal scene that will live up to the movie title. But already, Gary’s thoughtlessness is foreshadowing the break-up. (Come on, Gary! Your girlfriend looks like Jennifer Aniston, but you’re choosing your game over her?) But how aware is Gary, and what’s going on with him?
Gary as the Dismissive Avoidant
As we learned in the article on Avoidant Attachment Style, it’s clear that Gary is avoidant. Avoidants are rarely present, which is why they are terrible listeners. (Gary thought Brooke asked for three lemons, when she had actually said twelve.) They rely heavily on distracting activities which take them out of the present moment. (In Gary’s case, it’s on the couch in front of the television. It’s worth noting that this is the only time we see him watching anything on it. He spends the rest of the movie engaging with his gaming console, as we will see him often on the couch playing either Grand Theft Auto or Madden.)
Avoidants tend to run on a half-charged battery, which is one reason why the urge to disengage and “recharge” is so powerful. (Gary needs to relax after working all day, and the urge for engaging with the television is so strong, he dismisses Brooke’s needs.) This, of course is what brings out the thoughtless behaviors that avoidants tend to show.
Now, here is a clip from that the very scene we’ve just described. What are your thoughts?
The Break-up Scene
After the guests leave, Gary goes straight to his gaming console, but Brooke wants him to help her wash the dishes. Gary falls back on the same excuse, that he’s tired from working all day. Then he adds, why can’t we just do the dishes tomorrow? To which Brooke responds that she doesn’t want to wake up to a dirty kitchen.
Gary: Who cares?
Brooke: I care, alright? I care!
Brooke has officially hit her limit, and she reminds Gary of everything she had done today. This time, she is understandably angry as she tells Gary it would be nice if he at least helped her with the dishes. Gary flings his game controller to the floor and says, “Fine, I’ll help you do the damn dishes.” Brooke tells him to just forget about it. She wants him to show he cares enough to offer help without her having to ask. Gary’s thoughtlessness has been going on for a long time, as Brooke reminds him that even when they go out, it is always whatever Gary wants to do. “How many times do I have to drop hints about the ballet?” Brooke fumes in frustration.
Gary is not getting it. As this argument escalates, he has his own string of complaints. He talks about the tour guide business he is trying to establish so that she doesn’t have to work. “I want to work!” is Brooke’s response. Gary then adds that all he wants is a little understanding of his need to relax for twenty minutes without being nagged. According to Gary, “All you do is nag me,” and “Nothing I ever do is good enough. I just want to be left the hell alone!”
Brooke roars, “I’m not spending one more second of this life with an inconsiderate prick!”
Classic Case of Anxious and Avoidant in Conflict
Every line in this pivotal break-up scene not only shows the opposite relationship behaviors between Anxious and Avoidant. It also shows the differences in how they handle conflict. (Believe me, I only quoted the highlights.) See it for yourself in this clip.
Notice how Brooke was triggered by two little words that Gary said. (“Who cares?”) He just verbalized the core problem for Brooke, in that she feels he doesn’t care. In fact, throughout this scene, Brooke’s arguments are so focused on their internal problems as a couple, we don’t even know yet what she does for a living. Not so for Gary, on the other hand. We know that he has a tour guide business (outer-directed problems) because he leads with this in his defense as their argument escalates. He uses it as a means to justify his need to come home and “relax” (disengage from everything, including Brooke) “for twenty minutes.” But time flies when we dissociate (Trauma Glossary 2). In other words, it’s a guarantee that it will always be far more than just twenty minutes for any avoidant.
As we learned in the last article, which covered the Anxious Attachment Style, we know that Anxious relies on lots of availability from their partner to feel secure. Avoidants, by contrast, rely on no interference to feel secure. Don’t interfere with what, exactly? The Avoidant’s distracting activities. So, as Brooke confronts Gary over his lack of emotional availability, Gary sees it as interference with his needs. (“I just want to be left the hell alone!”) Gary has been using deactivating strategies (avoidant traits) in his argument, which triggers Brooke’s protest behavior (anxious traits) when she says the final line that leads to the break-up.
Protest Behaviors vs. Deactivating Strategies
Deactivating strategies are what avoidants use to avoid the present and keep themselves “safe” from relying too much on their partner. Distracting activities are their bread and butter because it’s the ultimate escape hatch. To keep themselves safe from their perceived threat of intimacy, they distract themselves from appreciating the good traits in their partner, while holding on to the flaws. (Gary called Brooke a nag and added that nothing he does is ever good enough.)
Protest behaviors are strategies that anxious types use, especially once they get fed up with ongoing problems in the relationship. The behaviors tend to be motivated by a need to make their partner “see the light” in some way. When Gary told Brooke “I just want to be left the hell alone,” his words flew in the face of the unmet needs she was trying to communicate. So, Brooke, exasperated for the second time in the same night, responded with the break-up words. (“I’m not spending one more second of this life with an inconsiderate prick!”)
The break-up scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie. It becomes a true comedy of errors, as both Brooke and Gary will use these very strategies against each other in such a way that their relationship will live up to the movie’s title.
Protest behaviors tend to backfire most when dealing with an avoidant.
Brooke’s only goal is to make Gary realize that her needs matter too, as we see in the next scene when she calls her friend and confides what just happened. She hadn’t meant to break up literally. She was at her wit’s end and said the break-up words out of desperation. But surely, Brooke reasons, when Gary cools off and comes home, he will see how important this issue is to her.
In the very next scene, though, we see Gary drinking with his friend. He seems to have accepted the break-up, as he confides what happened and his main concern now is that he keeps the apartment. (Yet another avoidant strategy, where they direct their attachment anywhere that does not involve humans.) Gary comes home and, instead of crawling in bed with Brooke, he goes to sleep on the couch. Thus turning the break-up words that Brooke hadn’t meant into a reality.
While Gary is determined to keep the apartment, Brooke’s reasons for staying differ from his. She is holding out hope that she and Gary will work things out. However, Brooke’s strategies keep falling back on protest behaviors. We can’t fully blame Brooke here. After all, her communication attempts have failed, but she still loves Gary. Her only other option is to humbly apologize to Gary and simultaneously give up on ever having her needs met. So, good for her on asserting her needs and sticking to them. Unfortunately, these protest behaviors trigger more deactivating strategies in Gary, and push him into seeing more flaws while forgetting her good traits.
Brooke’s Protesting Disasters
- Gary buys a pool table as a means of establishing the apartment is his since the break-up scene happened. Brooke goes to their bedroom, cranks up You Oughta Know and flings Gary’s clothes into the hallway. (Hey, nothing says a woman scorned like purging the bedroom to Alanis Morsette.)
- 2. Gary and Brooke have been in a couple’s bowling league, but Brooke informs Gary that he is the one who has to leave, since they are no longer a couple. As Gary storms out of the bowling alley, Brooke confides to her friend that this will make Gary realize that he needs to change. (Sadly, avoidants tend to be rigidly stubborn. It’s the very reason they are the worst at compromising.) See the clip here.
- 3 and 4: Brooke goes on two different dates. This one is the oldest protesting trick in the book, in that the anxious type is trying to make their partner jealous. But both times, Gary engages with his gaming console as he responds nonchalantly to her dates. That distracting activity is what helps him maintain the appearance of caring less than he actually does.
- 5. It’s weekly game night and it’s Brooke and Gary’s turn to host it. But Brooke informs Gary that, even though she is the one who cooks the elaborate meals and cleans the apartment for such occasions, he is on his own. “But these are your friends, too,” argues Gary. But Brooke sees an opportunity to show him up and she seizes it.
It’s during game night when Brooke and Gary’s argument explodes in front of their friends. One of whom tells Brooke and Gary that it’s clear that they are not going to work out. To which Gary angrily responds, “There’s no way in hell.”
Growth Time: The Grieving Stage of Accepting The Break-up
The couple decide (with their friend’s encouragement) to sell the apartment, split the money, and then go their separate ways. Brooke sees how her protest behaviors have had the opposite effect of what she wanted. So, she offers Gary an olive branch. She has two tickets to a concert, and she asks Gary if he would like to go. Gary says yes, only to stand her up that night. Brooke leaves the concert, heartbroken and goes home to cry. This isn’t just any cry. This is the cry of full acceptance. What Gary doesn’t yet realize is, he just blew his last chance at keeping Brooke in his life.
How ironic it is that when Gary comes home and sees Brooke’s tear-stained face, it’s the first time he actually listens. Here is the clip. His lines are incredible, because it demonstrates how very little attention he’s been paying all this time.
“You broke up with me.” (Really, Gary? You were the one who ensured it stayed that way.)
“You have guys coming over here for dates…” (And this, boys and girls, is why we should understand what protest behaviors are and the motive behind them.)
Then, when Brooke says “All I want is for you to show me you care,” Gary responds, “Why didn’t you just say that to me?” (She did, Gary! We all saw that in the break-up scene. You just weren’t listening.)
Gary’s Epiphone: The Power of Confirmation Experiences
Next scene, we see Gary at the bar with his friend, confiding what just happened. His friend makes an off-handed comment that Brooke should have known what to expect from him. Gary asks, what do you mean? His friend tells him that he’s the fun friend, but there’s always an understanding that hanging out with Gary means doing whatever Gary wants to do.
Confirmation is when we have two or more similar experiences or two or more people giving us the same feedback. The more similarities we hear or experience, the more our perception gets “confirmed.” When Gary’s friend points out the same trait that Brooke has already pointed out, Gary finally realizes he has an issue, after all. (Here is a link to four visual aids I made concerning how our memories affect us, and confirmation is a major influencer.)
The Internal Locus of Control: Brooke and Gary Before and After The Break-Up
If you recall from the article on the Secure Base for a Secure Attachment, you know that when the three basic requirements are met, both partners are able to look outwards with improved confidence and peace of mind. This is known as the internal locus of control. It’s defined by our ability to take on life’s challenges, which relies on the strength of our secure base (our partner, or attachment figure). How extraordinary it is in this film that two equally insecure attachment styles vastly improve their internal locus of control after the scene where Brooke grieves the acceptance of the break-up! Let’s talk about their attitudes towards the outer world before and after the final-for-real break-up.
Brooke: Before and After
Before: Brooke is an art dealer (which is not revealed until after the first break-up scene) and her boss is demanding. She handles her with kid gloves, as Brooke is humble and agreeable with anything her boss says.
After Brooke cries the grieving stage of acceptance, we see a completely different Brooke. She marches into the art store and resigns, fully confident, stating that she wants to travel for a while. Her boss tries to persuade her into staying by holding out her checkbook and telling Brooke to fill in any number she wants. But Brooke doesn’t want money, she wants to practice some long overdue self-care (traveling is one of many way we can do this). Then her boss assures her that she sees so much value in Brooke, that she will still have a job when she returns.
Gary: Before and After
Before: We see that Gary is in business with his brother, who is the brains of their tour guide business. Gary’s brother asked him for one thing, which is to log in his tours in the books so that he can figure out the budget, and not to mention, for tax purposes. Gary refuses by informing his brother that he (Gary) is the talent, and that his brother, being the brains behind the operation, should figure it out, himself. He walks out of the office, leaving his brother completely exasperated (not unlike how he left Brooke in the break-up scene we analyzed).
After Gary’s confirmation with his friend, we see Gary make a final mark in the book just before he closes it and hands it to his brother. He finally did what his brother had asked of him. Gary then tells his brother how much he appreciates him and then gives him a hug, although it’s an awkward moment for his brother.
Too Little Too Late for Gary and Brooke
Gary is finally ready to be the partner Brooke has been wanting all this time. He has cleaned the apartment and given the table a romantic setting. He tells Brooke how sorry he is and that he is now willing to try. But Brooke informs him that she has nothing left to give him. Here is the clip.
Again, props go to Brooke for validating others in similar or even worse situations. How often have we been in relationships that were not good for us, but we felt obligated to give it another chance purely because the partner promised to change with far less sincerity than Gary has? Well, the truth is, sometimes we have too many bad experiences and bad memories, and once those set in, we simply can’t come back from them. Regardless of how much the partner is willing to change. In case you haven’t heard this, your bad experiences deserve validation and so does your heart’s unwillingness to try yet again.
With that said, let’s return to Gary. It appears that he has done some major growth by the story’s end. This is evident not by his willingness to change for Brooke, because when we make changes solely for our partner, it’s less authentic and it loses all meaning when facing the outer world. So, Gary’s growth is evident by his willingness to attend his brother’s needs in their tour guide business.
But here’s my question. How will Gary respond to his next relationship? Remember: avoidants avoid the present by developing attachments to phantoms of either the future or the past. So, will Gary open his heart to his next partner and remember the lessons he learned from his relationship with Brooke? Or, will Brooke forever be Gary’s phantom ex? Let me know in the comments!